Husband touching me in my sleep

[donnelly2021]

Hi,
I woke up last night to my H giving me oral sex with his fingers inside me. When I woke up he said he was sorry (he tried to carry on and I was drifting in and out of sleep before waking) and he thought I was awake when I clearly was not...We haven't had a very good sex life recently so maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life) - we've had many discussions regarding sex and that I felt like a sex doll as intimacy was the only time I received any type of attention from him however due to my health I'm in pain from any sort of sexual act (going through tests with the dr) and he is aware of this...
This isn't the first time this has happened in the last couple of months, it is the 3rd time the other two times I woke to him inside me (having intercourse with me) and the 2nd I woke up before he could enter.
What do I do because I'm scared to say out loud to him what I think it is but he is fully awake so it's not in his sleep...but we have a family and already going through some issues and I really don't need it what to do...

So even if we gave him the benefit of the doubt and he believed he was having consensual sex with you... his response to finding you upset and in pain about him having sex with you is to wank into your knickers. Not to talk or apologise or to be horrified you weren't consenting. But to sort out his hard on.

This is so disturbing.

My ex husband used to do this too. He would claim it was happening in his sleep. I felt unsafe in my own bed. Nobody should have to feel unsafe to sleep in their own bed.

As I always say on these threads you can contact Rape Crisis for advice and support. They have heard this a million times, they will know what to do.

If its not enthusiastic consent then he should stop. This isn't some man who doesn't know you, its your husband, he knows what consent looks like from you and hes not looking for it. he clearly feels guilty because he sounds to be trying to make up for it the next day. If this has happened more than once the very basic thing he can do (and I cannot believe i'm writing this) is ask if you are awake!!
I know a few people have said its rape, i'm sorry but it really is and this type of behaviour doesnt de- escalate itself it gets worse, sorry to be blunt but how long before he's taking that from you when you're awake too?
Your language around sex suggests that neither of you are in a good place with your sex life at the moment.
reporting him to the police is your decision and no one can tell you whats right for you but if you report it or not this doesnt sound like a situation that will get better.
i'm so sorry you are being treated like this, I cant imagine how heartbreaking it must be to be betrayed and hurt in this way

On the flip side I know he knew I was asleep but if he does try to say he didn't know what do I do then? Do I feel sorry for him that I'm accusing him of something that he didn't realise? Then am I the wrong one here? What if in my sleep I made a noise that I'm completely unaware of? It's scary to think how he may twist and turn it to make me think I'm in the wrong...

No, he raped you. The reality is that you are telling him you did not give consent. It doesn't matter whether or not it was a mistake or on purpose on that basis - if he is pretending it was by mistake (and let's be clear, he IS pretending. he knows perfectly well you were not awake), he should be begging your forgiveness and constantly saying he's sorry. Not insisting that you give him your panties so he can have a wank.

A man "misunderstanding" is NOT an excuse for rape. And in his case, I'd love to see him explain this to the police,
Him: Well officer, when she's sleeping, I think she's awake and is keen. She's certainly not pushing me away.
Police: Does she say anything specific to show you she has consent?
Him: Well, she moans occasionally. And she doesn't push me away .
Police: But after the first time this happened, she told you that she had not been awake nd did not like it?
Him: Well, obviously, that was a mistake and I didn't realise. I really thought she was awake.
officer: Okay, but when you tried to have sex with her the second time when she was sleeping, did you not think that perhaps you were, again, misunderstanding her?
Him: Well, she moaned.
officer: Yes, but last time, it turned out she had said no....

I mean, the most imcompetent barrister in the land could rip his story apart.

The reality is that he has been penetrating your body without your permission and when you were not turned on. As a result, I suspect that there is actual physical damage of some sort so if you really wanted to take this further, you could probably ask to be examined by a doctor. I appreciate that this is very unlikely to be appealing.

Show him the cup of tea video. In fact, re-watch it yourself.

On the very, very, very slim chance he was under the impression you were okay with this (bullshit), he needs to understand that consent is to be given and never assumed.

OP I understand you're scared, upset and heartbroken. Honestly I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. You've mentioned this on an anonymous forum and look at the responses. Overwhelmingly condemning his actions. Imagine a friend came to you with this problem, what would your advice to them be?

There will be charities you can speak to for advice, practical and emotional.

Also, leaving doesn't have to be an instant thing. You don't have to decide and act then and there.
You know what's going on. You know what he's capable of doing. Take whatever precaution you can. Tell him that in no uncertain terms he cannot ever touch you without permission. Read up on what you can do to separate from him. Report to the police when you can.

As MN always says, get your ducks in a row.

If you're not earning till April I'd advise reporting him to the police ASAP, that way he will be taken away from the current house. Don't wait till you can afford to rent somewhere on your own to get away from him. It's too big of a risk with this guy.

Alternatively, you could go stay with family and push through a divorce ASAP so that you can get your share.

Tell your gp

Agree. I’ve always known some men will do that to a sleeping woman. But before I came onto MN I’d thought it was restricted to casual situations with a lot of alcohol involved. Now I know some husbands do it stone cold sober and some take photos too.

This morning I was raging on OPs behalf (I hope she can get away from him soon). Now I just feel incredibly sad because unless the men who wouldn’t /don’t abuse women actively challenge the scum that do it will never end.

Nothing women say will ever make a difference because those men don’t respect us and won’t listen. At times it seems to them we are sub human. The only chance for change is if they were to listen to their peers.

But the “good” men seem to be happy to say “I don’t do those things so I’m good and that’s enough.” When they should be shaming and alienating their misogynistic brothers, friends and colleagues, because those cowards would rein in their shit behaviour in if “good” men treated them with contempt.

You must tell him that he can’t do that - that you have to be awake and talking and choosing to have sex before he does anything to you. It’d be divorce paper personally. Honestly. Just so not on.

He's a rapey bastard. You need to get away from him.
Have you been diagnosed with narcolepsy, or do you just go into a very deep sleep? He could be drugging you. Does he make you a drink or anything before bed? I wouldn't be touching anything he's made for a while and see if it makes a difference to your sleep.

I really hope you get help and get rid of him.

There are men out there who get employed in hospitals to have sex with vulnerable women including coma patients, and sometimes even get them pregnant. Knowing what lengths some will go to, you can't be surprised they would take advantage of their sleeping wife.

That's probably the most depressing post I've ever written.

If you’re in so much pain what else has he done to you OP?
I would be telling him to get out, I couldn’t stand staying in the same house with a rapist, which is exactly what he is.

I'm starting to strongly suspect that this isn't the only abusive thing that he does OP.
You should not be afraid to bring any subject up to a person who says that they love you. Sadly there is no difference between your husband sexually assaulting you in your own marital bed or you going to a bar, having something put in your drink and then waking up naked in a strange bed the next morning. None. Rape is rape. It's a really hard thing to get your head around. This person is supposed to cherish you, love you, protect you and you're worried that he's going to get upset and/or angry like you've made some kind of mistake like accusing him of eating the last cake.
To be honest you sound shocked at being told that he IS abusing you. You have probably had this as a suspicion at the back of mind for some time. You have been so brave even coming on here to tell us and start to open up to the possibility that things are not right in your relationship so well done.
Even if you choose to not go to the police then please consider going to be examined by someone at your GP surgery and get any damage recorded and the reason for it. You will not get a decent response from your husband and he will do it again - may be not for another week, month, six months but when he feels that you've shut down those doubts he will do it again. HE WILL DO IT AGAIN.
Please contact Women's Aid or Rights of Women etc (someone has given numbers further back on your thread) just to talk it over with them and see what they say. They will be able to help you.

ok, im going to go there, not sure if anyone else has. BUT, i have a feeling, your 'narcolepsy' is him drugging you to have his way with you. a cousin of mine had this happen to her for years, thankfully, she managed to escape him and was almost instantly 'cured'. some people are just vile and dangerous

I'm afraid I have a suspicion that this happened to me. Absolutely zero proof but I've never been a heavy sleeper yet I'd wake up and quite clearly sex had happened and I had no awareness of it. It's a big accusation to make but my ex was obtaining steroids from dubious sources so it is possible. I will never know.

He is drugging and raping you OP. Please either leave asap or get him to leave. Do you have family you could stay with if he won’t leave?
Please take care of yourself as he sounds like a very dangerous, twisted individual.

For all we know, op had had narcolepsy symptoms her whole life. I think the situation is terrifying enough without jumping to the idea she is being drugged. But maybe he picked her because he thought her narcolepsy might help him gaslight her in future tbf.

If your narcolepsy has only appeared/got worse after he arrived though op, have your blood tested for drugs that could cause you to pass out ASAP.

You can't put off the police if this is a possibility, as the drugs being in your system is evidence that won't remain if you wait. So police ASAP if you think he could be drugging you.

"Just so you don't misunderstand the non-existant enthusiastic consent signals, tonight and every night, I shall be going to sleep in a different room as an indication that you do not have consent".
Should you sneek in my room and repeat the behaviour, understand in no uncertain terms, that it is rape.
That makes it clear as a step, but really, you should aim to be in a different house altogether, not just a different room.

Please don’t stay with a rapist.

A rapist who knows you have a gynaecological problem that causes you pain, and rapes you in your sleep anyway, causing you pain.

He should be in prison. My god.

Is there anywhere else you can sleep tonight op? At least another room, with a locked door?

Can you contact rape crisis, they can help support you through this. Wishing you all the best.

But you know that's not true and that's all that matters.
Please separate from him.

Sorry op, but what he is doing is rape.
He knows full well you were not awake each time. He will likely say that you were awake to convince you (and himself) that what he is doing is normal and consensual - it really isn’t.

First of all, I hope you are ok as this must be awful to you. Do you have a friend or family member you could talk to for support?
I think you know you need to raise this appropriately and leave to a safe place if you can.

@Lurkingandlearning

You've nailed it on the head,

Totally 💯 per cent agree with you emotionally intelligent post..

ive been saying similar on a different mumsnet thread post...

Thank you. We need to accept only men can change men and keep reminding/badgering the men we know to actively do that