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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband touching me in my sleep

268 replies

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:42

Hi,
I woke up last night to my H giving me oral sex with his fingers inside me. When I woke up he said he was sorry (he tried to carry on and I was drifting in and out of sleep before waking) and he thought I was awake when I clearly was not...We haven't had a very good sex life recently so maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life) - we've had many discussions regarding sex and that I felt like a sex doll as intimacy was the only time I received any type of attention from him however due to my health I'm in pain from any sort of sexual act (going through tests with the dr) and he is aware of this...
This isn't the first time this has happened in the last couple of months, it is the 3rd time the other two times I woke to him inside me (having intercourse with me) and the 2nd I woke up before he could enter.
What do I do because I'm scared to say out loud to him what I think it is but he is fully awake so it's not in his sleep...but we have a family and already going through some issues and I really don't need it what to do...

OP posts:
WhatWhereWho · 22/03/2024 11:10

I am so sorry that you experienced this. He did not have your consent, do not let anyone convince you that you are in the wrong.

Patrickiscrazy · 22/03/2024 11:53

Oh dear....
Tired of giving thanks to people who mentioned rape ...
🤢

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 22/03/2024 12:05

@donnelly2021 omg this is definitely rape! You were not in any position to say no!!! you must report this to the police and get him out of the home!! why the hell did he want your underwear??? this is not the way a loving husband treats his wife!!!

Rachelsthorns · 22/03/2024 12:08

I am so sorry, Op.

This happened to me and the police discovered it while investigating another offence against him. They are fully prepared to prosecute him for his abuse of me and he's not allowed to see our child alone or to contact me.

You need counselling and you need support. Your doctor will help you and so will the police, if you feel strong enough. He needs to be out of your house and away from you and your children. What else is the vile bastard up to?

rooftopbird · 22/03/2024 12:20

I'm so sorry this has been happening to you. My vagina has retracted up into my body just reading it.

The monster needs to go to prison for this, perhaps then he'll wake up to someone using his body as he's been using yours then he'll know what's not okay and learn right from wrong and consent.

RollOnSpringDays · 22/03/2024 12:22

What a vile and disgusting low life he is. And to top it off he needs your underwear to wank into. He’s dangerous and he has no regard for you as a person, at all. Bin bag his belongings and change the locks.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/03/2024 12:32

My ex husband used to do this or I'd wake up to him having sex with me. It's rape. Plain and simple. He told me you can rape your own wife. Well he did. Frequently. Please seek some help Flowers

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/03/2024 12:35

OMG I just saw your update that he needs your underwear to wank. Jesus Christ this isn't normal at all. That would be enough for me, he's disgusting. Please contact Women's Aid in the first instance.

PossumintheHouse · 22/03/2024 12:43

OP, this is absolutely horrendous to read. He doesn't care that you're constantly in pain, has no regard for your boundaries, and only cares about his own pleasure. Like the many others have said, this is rape - there is no grey line just because you're married. And the fact he is expressed awareness for your pain this morning, offered a faux apology, and then immediately demanded your underwear to finish himself off is absolutely disgusting. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with his behaviour. Frankly, he is dangerous. Please, leave this horrible individual immediately and seek help.

CactusMactus · 22/03/2024 12:45

Well done for writing it down here. First step. You're stronger than you think.

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 22/03/2024 12:55

Right in this moment, what are the factors stopping you from asking him to leave and ending the relationship?

Noseybookworm · 22/03/2024 12:58

As others have said, this is rape and he clearly knew you weren't awake. You need to report him to the police - do you have a close friend or family member who can support you in this? Police should support you in telling him to leave the family home. I'm so sorry you are going through this but you need to take steps to make sure that you can feel safe in your own home.

You can get advice here:
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/

Get help after rape or sexual assault

If something sexual happened to you without your consent – or you're not sure – we are here for you. No matter when it happened.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help

DaBlackCatsAreDaBestCats · 22/03/2024 13:02

😱

webster1987 · 22/03/2024 13:02

In my profession, I have worked with people convicted of exactly this and serving lengthy prison sentences. As many others have advised, this is rape and is very much treated as seriously as it sounds.

This must be an awful experience and I hope you can get some support to report him, he deserves it.

BigBrotherDoesntKnowWhatACelebrityIs · 22/03/2024 13:05

Oh my god, OP that’s awful. Genuine LTB.

Irridescantshimmmer · 22/03/2024 13:06

It was impossible for you to consent because you were asleep and drifting in and out of sleep.

You could tell him to wait until you are awake, in the nicest way you can and if it continues then you need to be having stern words with him.

Shoxfordian · 22/03/2024 13:08

Stern words?! You need to be leaving him and living somewhere safe
He's a rapist, it's way past stern words

SamW98 · 22/03/2024 13:10

Irridescantshimmmer · 22/03/2024 13:06

It was impossible for you to consent because you were asleep and drifting in and out of sleep.

You could tell him to wait until you are awake, in the nicest way you can and if it continues then you need to be having stern words with him.

In the nicest way and stern words - oh ffs the blokes a rapist. He doesn’t need telling in a nice way he needs reporting the police

Newsenmum · 22/03/2024 13:11

He knows you have issue with sex and his answer is to rape
you whilst
you
sleep?

please think about that.

SamW98 · 22/03/2024 13:15

He raped and sexually assaults you on your sleep, pretends he though you were awake and then asks for your underwear to use as wank fodder.

Fuck me I’ve read some repulsive shit on here but this is up here with the worst.

He is disgusting. A vile predatory rapist with zero respect for you as a woman. Your body is a sex doll for him when he wants to get his rocks off - he’d be out of my bed and my life faster than his legs could carry him if he was my partner.

OSU · 22/03/2024 13:20

I am so sorry to hear this OP. I hope you are able to pluck up the courage to report him to the police. Can you get to a safe place tonight?

jannier · 22/03/2024 13:21

donnelly2021 · 22/03/2024 09:57

I feel like if I say anything he will simply say he thought I was awake and wouldn't of done it if I was asleep but I wasn't awake !

And.....whatever he says makes no difference you were asleep end of.

Hopebridge · 22/03/2024 13:23

Are you able to see a GP or nurse today (I hope that's the appropriate thing to ask) to get an internal. I imagine all of the responses are overwhelming and difficult to process.

I think firstly you need to check your ok and no damage has been done internally. Have you always had narcolepsy?

Do you have anyone in your life a friend or family member that can support you?

Hopebridge · 22/03/2024 13:25

webster1987 · 22/03/2024 13:02

In my profession, I have worked with people convicted of exactly this and serving lengthy prison sentences. As many others have advised, this is rape and is very much treated as seriously as it sounds.

This must be an awful experience and I hope you can get some support to report him, he deserves it.

Would they need to report straight to the police or could they do it in another way? I imagine all this must be incredibly overwhelming to process. In your experience what are the steps others have followed?

Therealjudgejudy · 22/03/2024 13:31

OP, I'm so sorry to read this. He is a rapist. He has zero respect for you.

Please find the courage to report him and kick him out.

Also, none of this is your fault x

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