Husband touching me in my sleep

[donnelly2021]

Hi,
I woke up last night to my H giving me oral sex with his fingers inside me. When I woke up he said he was sorry (he tried to carry on and I was drifting in and out of sleep before waking) and he thought I was awake when I clearly was not...We haven't had a very good sex life recently so maybe it's my own fault for not just giving in (I usually put up and shut up about the pain and just deal with it for an easier life) - we've had many discussions regarding sex and that I felt like a sex doll as intimacy was the only time I received any type of attention from him however due to my health I'm in pain from any sort of sexual act (going through tests with the dr) and he is aware of this...
This isn't the first time this has happened in the last couple of months, it is the 3rd time the other two times I woke to him inside me (having intercourse with me) and the 2nd I woke up before he could enter.
What do I do because I'm scared to say out loud to him what I think it is but he is fully awake so it's not in his sleep...but we have a family and already going through some issues and I really don't need it what to do...

@donnelly2021

"This morning, he did the school run came back and asked for my underwear so he could deal with himself..."

Oh my god OP - this is actually one of the most horrific sentences I have ever read on MN and I've been here a while.
Ok, OP virtually all of us agree that this a regularly perpetrated rape situation so you don't need me to say it again. If possible could you explain what the issue is with your pain and whether there is a reason as to why you feel unable to do something about this straightaway? You don't have to answer but you came on here for advice and in order to do that we probably a slightly fuller picture if possible. People find it difficult to do the obvious immediately for various reasons (I've been there myself) such as being a SAHP/unemployed, cultural, very young children etc

Reporting to police as soon as possible is always the first advice. If someone needs support in doing this then women's aid initially can be contacted or the National Domestic Abuse hotline 08082000247 but ultimately the police can actually take action, as well as provide support.

One of the weirdest things about coupledom after however many years is that you often forgive/accommodate/excuse behaviour that you wouldn't tolerate for a second if you'd only just met.

This behaviour is no different from weak men who rant and rave and tantrum (and worse) at their wives, children and pets yet wouldn't say boo to a goose outside the safety of their four walls.

He is demonstrating a dysfunctional notion, a sense of 'ownership' over you and your body that he believes he can get away with because of his history with you.

Don't put up with it.

So he can't tell the difference between a woman who is comatose and one who is awake/responsive?

The bollocks he can. He's lying to try and wriggle out of a sticky situation.

You NEED to at the very least talk to the police about this. Set your phone to voice record and discuss this with him to find out exactly what he does say. Then pass that recording on as it's evidence.

At the very least sleep apart. Then, consent is proved by you jumping in with him.

OP, I completely understand why you're upset and distressed.

You went to sleep in your safe space and awoke to find yourself being sexually assaulted, having recently been raped by the same man.

If you are doubting the severity of his actions, consider what you would do if you fell asleep on a plane or train and awoke to find that the passenger next to you had taken off your underwear and put himself inside you (either with his fingers or penis). You would certainly consider it rape then wouldn't you?

The fact he is your husband doesn't change this.

Please go to the police and get the support you need and most of all get this sexual offender out of the home that you share with your children, he is not safe to be around.

That's helpful. Hopefully the poster reads this and gets the support she needs.

@donnelly2021 have you considered the reason sex is painful may be because you DH is regularly assaulting you in your sleep? Forcing himself on you when you are not in an aroused state may be causing friction burns, tears, bruising etc.

Maybe he is the issue overall.

I don't believe for one moment he's only done this 3 times. This is something he's been doing for awhile and its a turn on for him.

Please reconsider being with a man who thinks so little of consent and your comfort.

He's a disgusting predator.

this is plain and simple. RAPE. Please report. I get woke sometimes by my husband..always seems to be 5 am fml..lol. But he is not already started a sexual act on me without my permission.. he may be rubbing my hip (usually..thats his MO. ) some mornings I am into it and I turn to him.. some mornings i say...ugggghhh I am trying to sleep. he just kisses my shoulder and goes back to sleep himself. It is about respect OP. Your husband is a rapey fucker. get rid of the creep

PS painful penetration? Are you in perimenopause. I am in complete meno now and sometimes it is painful. Another thing about a good husband (non rapey asshole) Is sometimes we have been having fun, playing and kissing and one "entry" I hurt. He withdraws and cuddles. Never expects me to "finish" him as he understands that I am now a little disappointed also. Good men are hard to find.. Horrible rapey men are easy to LOSE if you have the guts to do it. Set yourself free. There is a man out there that will love and cherish you...this idiot is not him

Tell the bastard that only yes means yes. Please log it with the Police and then put him out. This is serious, it isn't something you can brush under the carpet.

Along side everyone else urging you to get some support, please request STI tests. Your pain could be related. Sorry but the man who lives in your home is a danger to you.
I wish you well 🌺

You don't need to convince him he is in the wrong in order to get the fuck away from him.

FYI, he knows what he has done. He is gaslighting you. He wants you to think he doesn't understand or, that you are over reacting. So that you remain available for him to abuse.

Run.

Would you not join in, move, make noise if you were awake? If so then he knows you're asleep.

Apologies, I need to work out what actually constitutes non sexual sex and if non consensual sex means rape. Is there a topic here/ website? If anyone knows please PM so I don't confuse this thread. Thank you.

even good men can have issues...I remember about fifteen years ago I got up (only a pair of sleep shorts on) Went to the kitchen to get some water and my husband was already up.. he saw me topless and did the whole boob grab thing.. said "MINE" I told him fuck off. Those are MINE not YOURS and if you ever do that again that will be the last time you ever touch them as I will leave you.. He was so very sorry. He thought it was a joke. Now he knows.. our bodies BOTH belong to ourselves. Good men learn. BAD men rape..which OP is what your husband has done to you

Oh god OP. This is absolutely repulsive! I'm not a very expressive person but this has made me recoil.
So he has had sex and performed sex acts on your unconscious body on more than one occasion? Then huffs your used knickers? Honestly that is absolutely vile.

I get it though. I'm assuming you're worried if people found out they would think there was a misunderstanding, because he's a nice guy who would never do that?

You also feel like you need to convince him that what he did was wrong, but you're also somehow worried that, in some very odd way, that you are actually the one in the wrong? That maybe you've been giving him the go ahead in your sleep?

OP, I beg you to tell one person in your real life. Just one. Someone you trust and who has your best interests at heart. I think when you see their reaction you'll realise how bad this actually is.

Your other option is to lock yourself in the spare room at night so he can't get to you. Is that really the level of protection you need from someone who loves you?

Rape

Nothing else to say

Get yourself and your kids away from him. ASAP.

Thankyou everyone honestly for all of your replies they have been very overwhelming to read.
I have DC with him and not due to start my new job untill the end of April.
I am scared of saying anything because I think he will get angry that I'm accusing him. On the flip side I know he knew I was asleep but if he does try to say he didn't know what do I do then? Do I feel sorry for him that I'm accusing him of something that he didn't realise? Then am I the wrong one here? What if in my sleep I made a noise that I'm completely unaware of? It's scary to think how he may twist and turn it to make me think I'm in the wrong...
This morning freaked me out and I have felt sick and shaky around him all day, literally my legs will not stop shaking and I've just passed it off as I'm cold and he hugged me and said he loved me so much which made me feel even more sick.
I'm unsure of what the pain in - I know I have cysts on my ovaries however I am waiting for result from my gp from blood tests etc to find out exactly what's what...x

You're not 'accusing' him, you're stating a fact - he has been raping you in your sleep.
You don't even need to discuss it with him. You take the kids and leave and then report him to the police.

Op if you found out you had non consensual sex with someone you supposedly love, you'd be fucking horrified right? ...not only is he not, he's even asking for your underwear to perform a sex act with.

So of course he knows what he's doing.

I'm so sorry that your partner turned out to be an abuser. But don't brush this under the carpet. You are in danger. Get him away from you and never meet him in private/alone again.

Speak to rape crisis. And women's aid. And your gp. They may be able to refer you to a special unit where they can take physical evidence of what's happened to you so that even if you don't feel strong enough to go to the police yet, this will be on file somewhere for you to pursue later.

But tbh you'd be wise to report him ASAP in the interestes of your own saftey.

You are being controlled as well as assaulted. You should not feel scared to tell him anything. You need to see your GP at the very least but also consider going to talk to the police.

Your own body is even telling you you are in danger from him. Listen to it!

Again, you do not have to convince him of his crime! He doesn't have to agree what he did was rape.

If a lion was eating your leg, would you spend time trying to convince it that it was chewing on your leg? And that it needed to stop because it was hurting you?

What about a psychopath who was attacking you?
Gonna hang around trying to explain to them what they are doing is wrong?

STOP.

He knows what he did.

It doesn't matter whether he thought you were awake.
Consent has to be given clearly, without any doubt.
Someone who's drunk, drowsy, (half-)asleep, unconscious can't say no, but that doesn't mean they gave consent.
Consent is eagerness, consent is saying yes, consent is reacting, consent is touching him back, consent is encouraging him.
Not reacting (because you were asleep ffs), means you didn't and couldn't give consent.
And honestly, who cares if he feels attacked because you're confronting him with the fact that he sexually assaulted you? Who cares how the perpetrator feels? What about you?
You're going through trauma. Who is there to care how you feel?

You need to see your GP, and contact the police.
If you are not going to do either of these yet, and still share a bed, at the very least, download the snoring app. It records all the noises in the night.

The only correct reaction to your wife saying you did something to her body that she didn't agree to and feels uncomfortable with, is by appologising a million times and begging for her forgiveness.
The only things he should be feeling, are guilt and shame and remorse.
If he feels anything other than that, he's an abominable human being who is more concerned with his own sexual pleasure than the fact he may have traumatised you for life.
Stop caring how he feels and thinking ahead of how he will gaslight you. You need to cut him from your life.