Partner’s attitude towards my Daughter

[Dominic1990]

Hi,

I posted before about another issue, the reason for me coming here to get peoples view as I like to know it I’m right in how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and I do not want to speak to friends/family about issues and they judge my gf. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable or being too protective of my daughter, as when I raise as issue I’m being made to feel in the write and have started to think maybe I am.

i have 9 yo daughter I was with her mother for 12 years and we have a very good co parent relationship. me and my gf have a son who will be 1 next week on Friday on Thursday me and his mum are going to take him out together to the zoo and on the Saturday we have a get together with some her family and on his actual birthday I said about having my daughter and she is saying no As it should just be us as a family and should be all about our son, I did reinform her my daughter is part of my family. And I stated we have Thursday together when we go out to the zoo, however this doesn’t matter as it’s not his actual birthday,

Please let me know what you would do In this position or if you have been on her position and understand.

You’re right that your daughter should be part of your family and should be included as your sons sister. Has this not come up before, how has your partner been up until now about your daughter?

You are right. She is wrong. Your daughter is as much a part of your family as your son is. If your wife can't accept that, then maybe this isn't the relationship for you, or her

Take note that this may not be the first or last incident like this.
Your daughter may not thank you as an adult for subjecting her to someone like this.

Even if your daughter is “allowed” to come in future, children can sense when and where they’re not wanted. This can be psychologically very damaging at such a young age.

This girlfriend is no friend to your daughter and sounds awful.

What are you going to do about it?

How many posts about the same thing will it take for you to wake up and realise what is going on?
This is the same gf who got upset you bought your 9yo daughter a cookie and didn’t bring ken for your 11mo son.

She is clearly really jealous of your daughter and never developed any relationship with her. She very plainly doesn’t accept her as part of your family and does not want her around.
How you could stay with such a partner and have a child with her - is beyond me.

I feel very bad for the little girl as she must realise she is not wanted. And she has a father who can not stand up for her.

The boy is your daughter’s brother. Of course she should be at his birthday. Your gf is a vile human being competing for you with a 9yo child.
You need to wake up to that. You seem completely spineless.

You're right. Your daughter is your son's sister. Of course she should be there and celebrate with her little brother. Their sibling relationship is important, and it is equally important that your daughter does not feel excluded from the family party.

Your girlfriend is being particularly insensitive and is just plain wrong.

we have had many issues along the way we even split up over it and when we did split up she said I caused a divide and I started to think maybe I did cause this so I we agreed to start again and both put in effort however 3 months on we are back where we started.

My gf can not help but get annoyed about thing such as Mother’s Day I got card and flowers for her to give her mum and because I was going drop them off on mothersday morning for my daughter I was ruining Mother’s Day ( so I did it day after instead)

my daughter is becoming very quiet and withdrawn In front on her.

it’s hard to give up as we have a son however I am worried this going to come at a cost of relationship with my daughter

Your dd is already feeling excluded then.

I suggest you have one last try to make your gf understand that your children are all one family, and if she cannot accept that, then you have no future as a couple.

If she won't accept that, you need to put your daughter first and leave. 🙁

So your poor little girl didn't get to give her mummy her card and flowers on Mother's Day? That's shocking 😢

Your girlfriend is a weak and immature person, she has become the evil stepmother archetype, she knows she's got you over a barrel and she's working it without any thought for the feelings of a nine-year-old girl.
I think she is despicable and I feel very sorry for your daughter

Your daughter is becoming withdrawn and quiet in front of your gf?

What does your gf say to her when you're not there?

Your gf sounds horribly cruel either way because even if she's not saying stuff to your dd in private she's certainly saying enough that your dd is picking up on your gfs attitude. Absolutely awful shitty behaviour.

Your priority should be the emotional welfare of your children not on the selfish wants and needs of a spiteful woman with the emotional intelligence of a gnat. Yuk.

Also shame on you for letting this continue and for not letting your poor dd give her mum a card on mother's day.

Your poor daughter. You sound like a decent person and father. But it sounds like your daughter is being put second especially with your Mother’s Day story. I think your gf sounds insecure and jealous. Perhaps counselling or couple’s therapy would help. But all in all, it sounds like it will potentially become very toxic if your gf cannot accept your daughter as equal to your son which in turn would affect the relationship between your son and daughter.

Get a back bone and tell her how it is or you will be leaving and for good this time.

If you don't stand up for yourself and your daughter you will have no relationship with your daughter.

Well done for recognising your daughter is being mistreated, but you really need to find your balls and stop this.

You are your daughters advocate and you need to do so for her.
she has 1 childhood and s already learning poor messages that will affect her confidence, self-esteem.

I wasted years in depression and feelings of inadequacy due to the treatment of my father and SM.

It took me until my 30s to understand and be comfortable that it was my father that failed me (my SM was like your DP, she actually apologised to me a few years back, I haven’t seen or spoken to my Father for about 13 years now).

Who incidentally became an alcoholic in later years, other family members reckon it’s his guilt in choosing his wife over me.

my daughter is becoming very quiet and withdrawn In front on her

Regardless of anything else that has happened and the rights and wrongs of people’s opinions - read that line back to yourself.
If you don’t do something now to prevent this then it’s on you, is that what you want? It won’t be just the relationship with your DD that will be damaged, it will be your DD herself. Protect your poor little girl before this gets much worse.

Your failing your daughter every day this continues.

Put your daughter first. Your GF is a nasty piece of work.

Break up with GF and go for 50/50 PR of your son with her.

Never let your ex GF hurt your daughter any more than she already has.

Time to be a real parent.

Oh your poor little girl!. You have a duty to your daughter and you’re noticing she’s becoming withdrawn around your partner so you need to protect her. Your partner is being completely unreasonable, your daughter is a part of your family and she should be able to be at her brothers birthday party.

That’s so sad for your daughter. She is so young and already feeling pushed out and unwanted.
@MandyMotherOfBrian has it right, protect your daughter.

Stop failing your daughter. How can you look at yourself in the mirror, knowing your choice in girlfriend is actively damaging your child? Fix the situation, stop navel gazing.

Thank you all, and maybe I do need to get a back bone however already living without one child is hard and making a decision like this which will mean I will not see my son everyday and after work when I get home he won’t be here to see me is hard, I just didn’t want to chuck it away without knowing I tried everything I could and give things a chance.

Im made to feel like I’m over sensitive and overprotective over my daughter and that I get defensive over her straight away. When someone tells your over reacting or taking things the wrong way all the time you start to believe It and think your the problem.

Protect your daughter - the longer this goes on the more it will affect her.

My friend had this situation as a young girl where she was treated differently and ignored by her step mum and to this day it still makes he feel she wasn’t good enough and gets emotional about what she did wrong - she’s in her 50’s and it’s affected her self confidence her whole life.

All this whining self pity is very self indulgent, you need to be a 100% better parent than this mess you're inflicting on your poor kid.

Obviously get a court order to parent your son equally. This is so depressing to read about a child being failed so badly.

You're right to want to protect your daughter but I do think this needs to be taken into context. My DD is 2 next week and we are taking her out for the day while my older two are at school. I'm excited for her to get some 1-2time. So as a one off I think it's fine. However if your daughter doesn't live with you and therefore your son has lots of individual attention that may be a problem.

i think we should stay away from right / wrong. The day of the birthday is that a contact day with your daughter? If yes there is no discussion. If no, there is no discussion it’s not the agreed time and is therefore optional. They’ll be other years it will fall so you’re all together and other years you won’t be.