Partner’s attitude towards my Daughter

[Dominic1990]

Hi,

I posted before about another issue, the reason for me coming here to get peoples view as I like to know it I’m right in how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and I do not want to speak to friends/family about issues and they judge my gf. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable or being too protective of my daughter, as when I raise as issue I’m being made to feel in the write and have started to think maybe I am.

i have 9 yo daughter I was with her mother for 12 years and we have a very good co parent relationship. me and my gf have a son who will be 1 next week on Friday on Thursday me and his mum are going to take him out together to the zoo and on the Saturday we have a get together with some her family and on his actual birthday I said about having my daughter and she is saying no As it should just be us as a family and should be all about our son, I did reinform her my daughter is part of my family. And I stated we have Thursday together when we go out to the zoo, however this doesn’t matter as it’s not his actual birthday,

Please let me know what you would do In this position or if you have been on her position and understand.

DD’s exclusion from her brother’s birthday celebration sums up your shitty GF’s poisonous attitude. She rates your young child as her competition, and intends to stomp out her flame like a cigarette butt. So far she is succeeding, with your help.

It sounds like this abuse began and has escalated for about 2 years. Whatever safeguards you have attempted have been totally ineffective. DD is still being devalued, belittled, criticized and excluded. GF even becomes enraged when you buy her a cookie. What glee she must have felt when you obeyed her and failed to deliver the MD gifts.

This vulnerable child who suffers from severe anxiety is being sacrificed while you second-guess, wring your hands, and subjugate yourself to your sadistic GF’s manipulation and punishments. She accuses you of causing a divide when you stand up for DD … and you believe her!

I sincerely hope that DD will divulge the mistreatment to her mother, teacher, counselor, or someone else in authority, and that they will step forward to protect her from your dangerous home.

As someone who has been in a relationship with somebody who didn't totally accept my child and saw how this affected them, please do the right thing by your daughter.
She is already becoming affected by it as her behaviour is changing around your GF. She is 9 and this will do a lot of damage to her mentally and emotionally.
You need to speak to your GF, or attempt to at least and ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. How she would feel if it was her son not coming to see her on Mother's Day because of the same reasons.
To be honest, from what you have said I don't think she will want to listen, seems as if it's her way or no way.
She entered a relationship with you knowing that you have a daughter. How long have you been together and has her attitude only changed since she became a Mum?
She is gaslighting you by trying to make out that you're too sensitive etc. You are not! This is your daughter, who doesn't deserve to be treated this way. She has a baby brother, of course she should be there to celebrate his birthday. Cutting her out of two seperate occasions (zoo and family get together) is wrong. If your girlfriend loved you, she wouldn't even put you in this situation.
I understand that its not nice if things didn't work out and you didn't get to see your son everyday, but staying with somebody toxic like that who is like that with your daughter....well that's not going to bode well for your daughter's development nor your future relationship with her.
She is your daughter, she comes first. Your GF needs to hear a few home truths. Good luck.

From your responses I'd say get your house in order I.e accounts and escape plan unless your happy being controlled.

LTB.

She is harming your DD. An adult bullying a child is just not cricket.

She wants to airbrush your child out of existence. I have personally known two women like this and both of the spineless men concerned allowed it to happen.

I hope you are not one of them as you have seen what is happening. I am afraid that you will probably end up splitting with your GF eventually anyway as this relationship doesnt sound like it will last much longer. But you stand a very good chance of losing your DD first if you dont make a stand.

Sometimes being a single parent makes you a better parent.

This is emotional abuse OP. I’m sorry for you but in all likelihood it will get worse. And put your daughter first. I split up with my ex DP who I really loved because of how she treated my daughter. And it didn’t even slightly compare to what your Dp is doing to yours. You’ll be ok but end the relationship

I have never met my husbands real dad, he wasn’t at our wedding, he’s never met our children.
when husband was 6 or 7 his step mom started making it very clear he was an inconvenience and in the way of them having “family time” with their shared child.
shortly after husband asked to stop going on weekends
please don’t overlook these little comments and dramas. Kids know when they are not wanted, it’s very hard to come back from that.

Exactly, the woman could be emotionally abusive and sounds like she’s gaslighting him and he’s been called a wimp! Shocking

I can guarantee you a mother would want all her children together for one of their birthdays, a dad should be no different, his family unit involves his daughter too

Oh, dear… she sound absolutely mean. Does she feel that having your daughter (her child’s sibling) around is going to take away from your 1yr old special day? If she does, she is mad.

No, you are not being unreasonable to be upset; that’s absolutely outrageous, OP. I couldn’t imagine behaving like that towards another child 😭😨

She is a nasty cow, leave her and co parent with her too.
If you have to post on such a regular basis about someone, you know in your heart they're no good.

You need to go to couples counselling or mediation to sort this out. You and gf are like highly emotional in any discussion and it is not getting better - you and your daughter are missing out on your relationship PLUS your son and daughter are missing out on a sibling relationship.

You need an external neutral person with no connection for your gf to see that she is being unreasonable. Hopefully she has a healthy sense of shame once she is vocalising her justification for excluding a 9 year old.

get the external person to give some guidelines that you both agree is fair and stick to that - if your gf can't or won't then you have to split. You and your children may be better off fostering a relationship outside of jealous gf. Think of how lovely it could be all 3 of you genuinely enjoying each others company and building connections without having to cater to your gf having a tantrum and demanding her way.

She is not only being cruel to your daughter she is being cruel to your son.
you have an equal say in what's in your sons best interest. Show him how to be a good man in showing up for him and his sister.

counselling doesn't work when one partner is actually abusive. this is not the kind of behaviour that can be changed with counselling.

the Child on the other hand will probably benefit from some counselling

I think, if you actually love your children, you should think more before bringing shit adults into their lives. You've created this harmful situation for your daughter and brought another child into it who is going to suffer if/when you finally do what's right by your daughter.

This is so sad, your poor daughter. She is already starting to feel excluded judging by her reaction and this will end up ruining any relationship that you have with her in the long term.
Worryingly with your gf’s attitude as it is your relationship with your son will be equally as bad.
Make the break when your MH is in a place to do so and be a good dad above all else.
Long term you are the only one that will suffer if you don’t stand up for yourself and your children,

If you're going to leave, do it now while your baby is too young to remember. Dragging this out 'til the little one is older is very cruel.

You are being bullied and are listening and believing her version of you OP.

My SS has married a woman like your partner and she has reduced my SS to a mess.

You have to call her out on every detail. when she says you are being over protective say you are just parenting the girl etc.

You cannot change her but you can change the way you interact with her but honestly, like PPs I think you might have to think about leaving, setting up on your own and parent from there. You can never get through to some people.

Tbh Your gf is out of order. Your daughter is part of the family and your gf knew this when she started a relationship with you. You come as a package. She has no right to say no to your daughter coming to the zoo for their siblings first birthday .

I am sorry - you let your daughter down on Mother’s Day - - left her with no present to give her mum - beciase your girlfriend had a temper tantrum?

you need to be a better parent.

I think you need to lose the mindset that you are going to ask her permission. You have equal responsibility to both children, and you should try to adjust your expectation to one where you expect the girlfriend to behave decently to both children. She shouldn’t try to divide and conquer.

You are absolutely in the right. Your daughter is also your sons sister and therefore your partner should not be preventing her sons sister from seeing her brother on his first birthday. She should be encouraging them to have a good relationship not putting barriers in place at such a young age.

No one should need permission from their gf.

In a healthy relationship, discuss things together, yes, to decide the best decision for all concerned jointly...
But need to ask permission isn't that.

@RAC208 👏👏👏

So what will you do op, take action or just bask in the comments criticising your girlfriend.

I have 3 children; me and their dad divorced when they were 3,5&7. They loved going to see their Dad, then he got with his fiance about 3 months after the split and they had a child together a year later. Closely followed by a second child. My ex's fiance did and still tries to do what your GF is doing to your daughter. He can't see our kids without their kids, he can't buy something for our kids without buying their kids something but is encouraged to buy their kids things and do things without doing the same for ours.
I've seen how it's affected their mental health and how it's affected their relationship with their Dad. But I'm also aware that they love their dad and want them to have a relationship with him
The difference is my kids are now 15, 13 & 11 and are finding excuses and reasons not to see their Dad. And they are telling him that it's because he thinks about X and what she wants more than he cares about what they and their step-siblings need.
Get counciling or leave - don't let it get to a situation where your daughter thinks that she isn't good enough for you.