Partner’s attitude towards my Daughter

[Dominic1990]

Hi,

I posted before about another issue, the reason for me coming here to get peoples view as I like to know it I’m right in how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and I do not want to speak to friends/family about issues and they judge my gf. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable or being too protective of my daughter, as when I raise as issue I’m being made to feel in the write and have started to think maybe I am.

i have 9 yo daughter I was with her mother for 12 years and we have a very good co parent relationship. me and my gf have a son who will be 1 next week on Friday on Thursday me and his mum are going to take him out together to the zoo and on the Saturday we have a get together with some her family and on his actual birthday I said about having my daughter and she is saying no As it should just be us as a family and should be all about our son, I did reinform her my daughter is part of my family. And I stated we have Thursday together when we go out to the zoo, however this doesn’t matter as it’s not his actual birthday,

Please let me know what you would do In this position or if you have been on her position and understand.

You are 💯 correct! Keep including her and if the gf continues to behave so horribly towards your 9 year old child then make the right choice.....

When you got your dd something for her to give her mum, you were helping your young child be a good daughter, feel proud of herself and experience the joy of gift giving for someone you love.
That process of marking an occasion and demonstrating a gesture of love is something she can replicate and carry through her life to be a happy adult able to participate in and experience healthy living relationships.

Your gf kicked off about that.

Your daughters step mum is abusive not allowing a child to celebrate Mother's Day with her mother is cruel and unnecessary

Wake up and protect your child from this abuse

No, I don't have any step children but it is difficult when there is an 8 year age gap between 2 DC. I did have that between my own DC.

I just don't understand why this man doesn't just take his DD out on her own and give her attention then. I would have thought the little boy would have preferred other DC to play with his own age on his birthday. It is his day. He could take his DD to the zoo on her birthday. I don't see why DC of very different ages have to be together on one DC birthday.

I'm sorry but if your gf cannot accept the fact you have another child then you should leave her. Why should you be split in between. Your gf obviously knew coming Into the relationship that you have a daughter with and ex. To be honest it seems as tho she is jealous and paranoid you might end up with the ex again.

You need to set your gf straight because its not about her. Your daughter needs the love and care from her dad.

I'm sorry I don't even know u or ur gf but I already hate the way slshe sounds. She needs to get a grip

I think if I were you, OP, I’d be exploring whether I could change my shift pattern or get a new, Mon-Fri 9-5, job.

Obviously easier said than done and might not be possible depending on your line of work, but it would be much easier to establish proper 50-50 care with your DD if you had the same hours each week. If your GF accepts there’s an issue and works to accept her DSD so much the better, but you’ll also find it either parenting two kids 50-50 while not being with their mums if you’re not changing shifts each week.

@Dominic1990 in your place I would worry that she is being abusive to your daughter when you are not present due to your daughters change in behaviour

you need to dump this gf. and in the future, keep in mind you have children before you shack up with someone

Why would his DD be over with her Dad's gf if her Dad is not home? Surely the DD would be with her own Mum.

My gf can not help but get annoyed about thing such as Mother’s Day I got card and flowers for her to give her mum and because I was going drop them off on mothersday morning for my daughter I was ruining Mother’s Day ( so I did it day after instead)

Sorry but she CAN help getting annoyed. She’s choosing to act this way and be selfish about it. She needs to understand it’s not all about her.

OP she sounds a selfish jealous controlling bully who you’re allowing to dictate you at the cost of your relationship the your daughter. This woman got into a relationship with you knowing you had a child and shouldn’t have pursued it if she get was an issue.

Its sad you won’t be with your son full time but you are better off being a good co parent to both of your children then continuing to allow this woman to upset and damage your daughter.

She isn’t going to change and your DD is much more important. I would separate, go for 50/50 custody or your son and make sure any future relationships are with someone better.

abusers always find a way. she can be abusing her right under her nose. doesn't have to be alone with her in the house.

My gf can not help but get annoyed about thing such as Mother’s Day I got card and flowers for her to give her mum and because I was going drop them off on mothersday morning for my daughter I was ruining Mother’s Day ( so I did it day after instead)

Wicked wicked woman. I've a 9 year old dd, I am also divorced. This brought tears to my eyes. How you can stomach to be in the same room as this thing I don't know.

my daughter is becoming very quiet and withdrawn In front on her.

The bitch is cruel and I would wager takes pleasure in making your poor dd feel uncomfortable and unwanted.

I would not enter into a sunken cost fallacy scenario by staying with this woman. She is deeply jealous and resentful of your daughter - and this will never change.

I have seen this before. Tha fallout and damage is irreversible. Make no mistake @Dominic1990 your dd is being damaged already. She is suffering already. Your son is only 1, he won't remember things as they are now so leave and save your dd and go to court for proper contact of your son.

From your other thread:

…once gf got pregnant the way she was with my daughter changed she never developed a bond and criticises her a lot.

My daughter suffers from sever anxiety and I Beleive this is making it worse…

Today I bought my daughter a cookie before we get her from school and then my gf was not happy about this saying I didn’t buy my son one (I thought him a bit young) and then I apologised … and she carry’s on all way to school and then says I’m dropping you here you can find your own way back while it’s raining. It’s 1.5-2 hour bus ride for me to get back. Was I in the wrong?

I feel like I am questioning myself all the time lately. I bring up a issue or how I feel about something then I’m made to feel crazy.

@Dominic1990, stop doubting yourself and kowtowing to this manipulative monster. You are allowing your young daughter’s severe anxiety to be exacerbated and her spirit crushed.

You are choosing to be with a mean-spirited abuser who mistreats DD as well as yourself. She despises your child and her very existence, and is bitterly jealous of your affection and any attempts to protect her.

The 2 examples you’ve given of GF’s twistedness are horrible. You massively let down DD when you caved and failed to drop off the Mother’s Day card and flowers. And the cookie/putting you out in the rain incident was absolutely hateful. Did DD also have to endure the 2 hour bus ride home?

GF didn’t learn a thing from your separation and she is not going to change. By staying you are enabling her cruelty and are complicit in your innocent child’s torment, which will have far-reaching destructive ramifications in her life. And something else: the golden child will also be damaged by witnessing the abuse of his sister and you.

@Dominic1990, your daughter’s mental health and trust in you are being destroyed. You must protect her by removing the gorgon from her life.

Does her mother know that she is being abused in your home?

I’ve been fuming about the Mother’s Day situation all afternoon!!

OP WTF! Get a grip. Your daughter had to wait until after Mother’s Day to give her mother presents. You and you only had to power to stop that cruelty.

Why don’t you stand up to this woman? Are you afraid of her? Afraid she will throw you out? Stop doing things for you? Keep you from your son?

Never let this happen again. Have a set way of dealing with it.

‘I will be taking presents over for my daughter to give her mother. It will take half an hour. This is not a discussion. The conversation is over. If you choose to sulk about it that is your decision and I will avoid you until you act like an adult’

’I will buy my daughter a cookie whenever I like. I will not always buy my son the exact same things at the same time because she is 9 and he is a baby. This is not a discussion. This conversation is over’.

‘I expect you to be kind to my daughter and welcome her because on the dates I have custody, my home is also her home. If you won’t do this, this relationship is over. This conversation is also over’

’The next time you are cruel to my daughter will be the last time. I will leave and I will have 50:50 custody of our son. This conversation is over.’

And so on

I feel sorry for you, OP, this is a real mess. The trouble is that your preferred solution of getting your dp to accept your dd isn't going to work without a profound change in her attitude.

But I also wonder if what you see as the alternative - losing touch with your daughter - could even work for anybody. Because your other half sounds controlling and abusive to you, as well.

You have a new baby and of course you don't want to break up his family, but there is no easy solution here. Have you thought of getting some Relate counselling, just for you?

Your daughter is your family, there is no way in hell I'd be letting anyone dictate how often and when I could see my child and making my child feel less than. I'd be getting rid of this nasty person.

Some posters are suggesting couples counselling, but it is not advisable with an abuser, which is what your gf is

Siblings should be invited to their siblings birthdays.

Its literally a non brainer and I can’t even imagine not being invited to my own siblings birthdays, whether fully biological or not.

She is being very unfair and I think you’re trying to keep everyone happy but you cannot let this behaviour continue.

Your kids come first.

You get to spend time as a small family unit on the days you don’t have your DD and so it’s so unfair that she gets to miss out on celebrating with her own brother, just because your DP is selfish.

OP - I wasn’t aware of your other threads but reading the comments your GF is a vile abusive manipulative controlling horrible piece of shit. She’s disgusting and she’s abusing both you and your DD.

Get the fuck away from this vile creature and put your daughter first before it’s too late.

There are 3 possible outcomes:

1. You stay in current situation and nothing changes (I think most likely). This is terrible for your daughter and you will feel guilty.
2. You leave your gf. This will be hard for you to balance being a present dad to two children with different mothers, given your shift work particularly.
3. You stay with your gf but make drastic changes to her behaviour (only you can tell if this is possible, depends if she is redeemable at all).

3 is obviously the best result but depends on your gf being a decent person at her core. Possibly she is feeling insecure about your amicable relationship with your ex. Maybe she didn’t like you buying flowers for your ex. See if you can reassure her you don’t have romantic feelings for your ex.
Make it clear to her that she is to treat your daughter well or you are ready to leave.

Grow a pair and sort it.

I feel sorry for your little girl. She should be included in everything.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas I specifically suggested Relate counselling just for OP, for this reason. The wellbeing of the children is non-negotiable, but OP will need to be dealing with his current dp for many years to come. He needs strategies and lines in the sand.

I can't imagine being deliberately excluded from my db's birthday, half or not. You've got yourself in a difficult position but you have to put dd first. I am not a stepmother but if I was I would accept dp's dc as my own.

You GF sounds like a manipulating b*h. Your poor DD is a child and deserves to be loved unconditionally by you and it sounds like your partner is putting conditions in the way. Get rid now before she does irreversible damage to the relationship you have with DD.