Partner’s attitude towards my Daughter

[Dominic1990]

Hi,

I posted before about another issue, the reason for me coming here to get peoples view as I like to know it I’m right in how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and I do not want to speak to friends/family about issues and they judge my gf. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable or being too protective of my daughter, as when I raise as issue I’m being made to feel in the write and have started to think maybe I am.

i have 9 yo daughter I was with her mother for 12 years and we have a very good co parent relationship. me and my gf have a son who will be 1 next week on Friday on Thursday me and his mum are going to take him out together to the zoo and on the Saturday we have a get together with some her family and on his actual birthday I said about having my daughter and she is saying no As it should just be us as a family and should be all about our son, I did reinform her my daughter is part of my family. And I stated we have Thursday together when we go out to the zoo, however this doesn’t matter as it’s not his actual birthday,

Please let me know what you would do In this position or if you have been on her position and understand.

You should have a word with your gf and insist on some therapy, both couples and individual for yourself.

Not to be harsh but soon your dd is going to be of an age where she can decide for herself whether or not she goes to see you and right now you look like you're not advocating for her and that you're sacrificing her for the sake of your son (and your relationship with your gf).

If you're not careful one day she'll see you in a cafe, you'll wave at her to say hello and she'll blank you. When the person who's with her asks her "who was that?" and she replies "he used to be my father" you will only have yourself to blame.

reading other examples though, it seems your gf might be a tad controlling so whilst in this instance I think it’s cut and dry. In other instances I think there is a much much bigger problem. Maybe some therapy or as you have already split as seems a my way or no way, maybe split is the best

Your poor daughter. If your gf can't accept or understand that your daughter is equally as important to you as your son, that she is as much your family as your son, that you love her the same as your son.... then she has a serious problem.

Your daughter is already being affected. This could affect her for life if you don't do something about it, and soon.

Pandering to your gf unreasonable demands isn't helping. By that I mean, you delayed your daughter giving her mum her Mothers Day card - do you think that's made your gf more understanding? No - it will have made her believe she's right even more. She will expect the same every mothers day. In fact worse - over time she will do all she can to further erode your relationship with hyour daughter, and her importance in your life.

By leaving your gf, you can still be the best father you can be to your 2 children. If you stay, you will be sacrificing your relationship with your daughter, and your daughter's wellbeing, possibly for life.

It's her little brother's first birthday. Of course she should be there. How sad it would be for her to be told she is unwelcome at that. It is hard enough for children coping with parents splitting up, having second families etc, without her then being pushed out because the new girlfriend wants it to be all about her and her child.

To use an MN cliché, she knew what she was getting into having a relationship with a man with a child.

I do not have set days as I work 4 on 4 off roster my days off differ so week before I let her mum
knows days and we are both happy with this. So the reason I asked my gf is I was going choose the Friday as one of the days.

Ah that is a good bit of context. I thought you had set visitation. This makes a difference so I assume this is the week before and your babies birthday is next week. Then yes I agree gf needs to make sure you still have your contact. Do you usually say to gf right next week ill have daughter the following days or do you two discuss it? Either way visitation doesn’t stop because your baby has a birthday.

Why on earth did you have a child with this horrible woman? Your poor daughter. This will go on for years and ruin her childhood if you don't sort this out..

This is a very hard situation but your instincts are telling you it's not right. Worth exploring with your GF how you can get on the same page about this- your daughter IS family and she is causing a divide if she's pretending she isn't. She needs to accept her or you can't be in a relationship together. Perhaps at a minimum worth finding an article online or something about blending families and showing her what it says about how to treat stepchildren, and then holding her to those standards so expectations are clear. If she can't meet those expectations then sadly you will need to protect your daughter and walk away. I'm sorry you're in this position.

I’ve found in my experience, jealousy is an ingrained personality trait and is managed rather than cured.

Being jealous of a 9 year old little girl points more towards a cruel streak - this woman may have some significant developmental issues or mental ill health.

Either way, no 9 year old needs this bag of problems.

I've read your posts before, very sad situation for you daughter.

Was baby planned?

Identifying that there is a problem is good but no use if you dont do anything about it.
You know your GF wont accept your DD so what are you going to do? Asking nicely seems to get you nowhere

Your gf should appreciate you want to be a decent df. And your dd will he a fab big dsis given the chance I bet!!

Regardless of what you are choosing to do, one or both children are going to be badly affected :(

It doesn’t matter if the baby was planned or not. It’s here, that’s all that matters tbh.

Agree with PP.
Be clear with GF that this jealousy of a little girl needs to stop or you will be leaving and applying for at least 50:50.

Why is your daughter subdued in her presence? Is she actively hostile? You need to put an immediate stop to it if so.

TBH I don’t think she’ll change. If she needs this pointing out to her then all is not right there. She should be wanting your daughter to feel loved and welcome in your home.

Oh for goodness sake. Stop acting like a wimp and realise what's going on here! It sounds as though you've posted about this before, so why again? Isn't it obvious that your girlfriend doesn't want your daughter and is pushing her out? Are you going to let this happen? If so, be aware your daughter may not forgive you. Ever. So grow a backbone.

Your daughter is non-negotiable, she's your child. The moral of this story is don't have more children with women like this. It just adds to the complications.

You could have given those to your DD the day before Mother's day so she could give them to her Mummy on Mother's day.

This woman's aim is to get rid of your daughter so that all of your focus is on her and your joint child.
She has you over a barrel, there's nothing you can do that won't hurt you, she's not hurting at all because she has no emotional connection to or regard for your daughter.
Your daughter is just a pawn in your girlfriend's game.

I don't see why your DS can't have his birthday with both his parents alone. You could take your DD to the zoo on her birthday. There are 8 year difference between your DC ages so there won't be many things that both DC will enjoy together. There should be time for you to spend with your DD alone when gf and DS are not with you but also some time with gf and DS alone as they are your family unit now. I don't see why you have to try to force gf to spend time with your DD and vice versa. I have an 8 year gap between my 2 DS's. I found it easier to take in turns for activities so I might have taken my younger son to soft play and my elder son on to the climbing wall. One activity that did work with both DC was a day at the beach.

My ex husband's girlfriend treated my son appallingly. He's autistic. She was eaten up with jealously that we had a child. She was the OW for context and my son was two years old when ex left to live with her. She was cruel to him, mocked his disability, put him in unsafe situations and was abusive in the extreme towards me. Eventually she told ex to choose and he chose her. They now live at the other end of the country and my son has no contact at all with his father.

The damage this has done to my son has been horrific. He has had endless counselling and therapy. It has affected his self esteem. His confidence is shattered and the rejection runs deep. Do not inflict this on your child. It is unfortunate that there is another child in the mix but I'd leave this relationship. Establish contact with your son via court if necessary. However, this won't get better. Women like her are never going to change. There are daily threads like this on here and I'm certain I remember your last one. Your children are equally as important but if your gf continues like this, your daughter is really going to suffer.

Tbh it's best your dd isn't with you on your son's birthday so she doesn't have to endure your horrible girlfriend.
Your daughter is 9 you are supposed to protect her from bullies - if someone was being nasty to her at school would you ignore it or would you speak to the teachers to put a stop to it? If you'd stop it then why aren't you doing that in your own house.

In a few short years your daughter will choose to not see you or your girlfriend and will justifiably blame you for her treatment and you will have to reap what you sowed.

Your daughter is as much your child as your son and if your partner cannot respect that then you have to choose.
She sees your family unit as you, her and the child you share. Your daughter will be damaged if you allow this.

Are you this rude to women who have children by multiple fathers without considering the consequences? Or do save your bile for men?

He now has another child. Who is also non-negotiable. Should he walk away from this one and be part time dad to two families? You can be sure this woman won't make it easy for him to see his son if he does and he will still only see his daughter around his shifts.

It is clear OP does not agree with his girlfriend's attitude to his daughter and is asking for support. The number of women who post for months or years about their unhappy marriages, but because he is a man he is only allowed to have one shot and if it isn't fixed immediately, he must be a wimp.

women like that are grabby, darling.