Partner’s attitude towards my Daughter

[Dominic1990]

Hi,

I posted before about another issue, the reason for me coming here to get peoples view as I like to know it I’m right in how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and I do not want to speak to friends/family about issues and they judge my gf. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable or being too protective of my daughter, as when I raise as issue I’m being made to feel in the write and have started to think maybe I am.

i have 9 yo daughter I was with her mother for 12 years and we have a very good co parent relationship. me and my gf have a son who will be 1 next week on Friday on Thursday me and his mum are going to take him out together to the zoo and on the Saturday we have a get together with some her family and on his actual birthday I said about having my daughter and she is saying no As it should just be us as a family and should be all about our son, I did reinform her my daughter is part of my family. And I stated we have Thursday together when we go out to the zoo, however this doesn’t matter as it’s not his actual birthday,

Please let me know what you would do In this position or if you have been on her position and understand.

I meant half-siblings not step-siblings

I'm new to this mum'snet thing and can't work out how to delete or edit my comment :/

I think we can expect to see a similar post in the future, as I doubt things will change here. The situation is quite plainly toxic and OP gives no indication he's going to do anything about it, other than wail. The only one I feel sorry for is the little girl, caught between two adults like this.

This is so wrong. I can understand why you're scared to put down your foot though - essentially you know you're together with a person who would turn nasty if you split up.

You don't want to lose your son and as the mother of your son she has a lot of power.

Tricky.

The problem is that your gf views this as a her family unit and then another unit which is the you and DD unit. There's actually a third family unit which is the sibling unit. I'm incredibly close to my siblings with similar age gaps incidentally. The relationship between your DD and DS is also really important and your gf needs to recognise this and encourage this relationship. When DS gets older he'll likely want to have DD around and show her lots of love.
If I am being charitable, maybe she's immature or has bad relationships with her siblings so doesn't understand this. Worst case she's selfish and controlling.

Either way, if you want this to be a relationship that you and your children can be a part of .. then get counselling for you and your gf. There's a lot you need to work through and investing now will reap rewards. If she refuses then that tells you all you need to know

@Anameisaname 👌

Well look - you may not have a choice soon because if I was your daughter’s mother and was hearing that my child had been mistreated in your home then I’d be making that decision for you. You don’t have as much time as you think. Also, you are not doing your son any favours by raising him in this environment - he will grow up with immense guilt at being treated differently to his sister. I realise this post is very blunt and I’m sorry for that but your actions have real consequences here.

@AmusedLilacBalonz true... Or he'll grow up like his cruel and selfish mum and regard his sister as an outcast.

I’m going to play devils advocate here as there could be many reasons why your partner feels this way and I think some comments are very unfair without knowing everything about your situation. Also, unless those posting negative remarks are from blended families then they have no room to judge.

I don't think she is being unreasonable by wanting her son’s first birthday to be all about him. After all, your daughter has had plenty of birthdays being an only child without siblings being present. As your partners first child she clearly wants this to be a special day for her and him. This is her first experience of her own child’s first birthday! Let her have her day with him then do something else separate from that day all together with your daughter so that she doesn’t feel left out.

Speaking from experience, my partner has a young daughter from a previous relationship and it can be incredibly difficult at times. He is also amicable with his ex and speaks to her almost daily which often can feel like there is a 3rd person in our relationship. The Mother’s Day situation probably felt very insensitive from your partners perspective (especially if she had your son at the time) as I assume she would have expected you to have spent the day together, not going to see your ex with a gift. My partner buys a present for his DD mother which I have no issue with but he prepares it in advance. Had we had a child together and he went to see his ex on Mother’s Day I would be very upset too!

How are you with your partner and son when your daughter is around? I’ve had times when I have felt invisible and like I’m being used as a babysitter when I spend time with my partner and his daughter and he acts like a completely different person when she is around which does build up resentment. His daughter is fabulous and we get along really well but his behaviour creates issues that shouldn’t be there. Since I raised this with him he has taken steps to change and integrate our time together better and it has made the world of difference. It’s not necessarily your daughter that is the issue to your partner but the way that you act when she is around. Maybe something to think about?

Talk to your partner and try to get to the bottom of why she is feeling the way she is.

What is wrong with you?? Are you OK?? Spineless is you typing away on your keyboard with your ranting. If you're having issues at the moment post a thread so we can all help and support you!

Christ, just reread your post! Your poor daughter is going to grow up feeling rejected by you and this doesn't bode well for her future relationships does it?
Grow a fucking backbone and stick up for her.
Don't get permission off the gf, just say OK I'm off to get Lucy at 9 before we take Jake to the zoo. This way, she has to argue against it which in turn makes her look bad. How can she make a good case for not letting Lucy come without looking like a bitch

Op. It's good you came for advice and it sounds like you're aware that your gf behaviour isn't acceptable and I don't think you're turning a blind eye, if you were you wouldn't be disssuing the issue here. Your gf is clearly upsetting you. I really think that you should sit down with your gf and remind her your daughter has and will always be in your life as a priority, the same and equal priority as your son. Which is also her sons half sister. Ask your gf, how would she feel as a 9 year old if her dad stopped caring about her because he had another child with another woman? Does she think this is acceptable, be firm that its not ok ! How will your son feel one day knowing his sibling wasn't treated well? I think perhaps your gf is feeling insecure and I'm not excusing her behaviour because it's awful but I think you must speak up now because our children should always be our priority. Once you have told the gf about herself (I mean in a nice way of course lol) please come back and let us know the outcome. Will be interesting to see her response.

@Georgina1987

Had we had a child together and he went to see his ex on Mother’s Day I would be very upset too!

He didn't want to 'go to see his ex' as a social visit. He wanted to facilitate his nine year old daughter giving her mum a card and present to her mother, on mother's day. To begrudge that (would you really?!) is horrible and selfish.

I’m not saying he wanted to see his ex, but he didn’t need to do that on Mother’s Day, it could have been prepared in advance. If your partner left you and your child on Mother’s Day to drop something off for his ex how would you feel? My daughter’s father was never involved and school always made Mother’s Day/Father’s Day cards so I never went without anything and my mum always used to buy me a gift from my daughter so I never went without. It’s great that OP makes an effort for Mother’s Day but what I’m saying is it could have been done more respectfully to his partner and prepared in advance.

100% agree.

This is about the grown ups acting like adults . However the GF is acting like a spoilt jealous selfish child - begrudging a little girl dropping off a Mother’s Day card because it means her dad isn’t at the new birds beck and call all day.

Spiteful and petty as fuck

Tell your GF that the end result will be that you and she will split up.

When you find a new partner and she states treating your son as an inconvenience how will your current GF feel.

Seriously though. Why did you even have your second dc without sorting out this dynamic. It's doomed. Your gf feels the way she feels. She wants in no way to compromise on anything. The Mother's Day drama is evidence.

It's going to fail. Better it ends sooner for your dd sake

Have you posted about this before it seems oddly familiar if so you were told your dp was being abusive to your dd and to leave her.

So is the nine yo girl expected to drive herself to her mum's house? Because how else is she to see her own mother, unless her dad takes her?

Maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick…if his daughter was with him on Mother’s Day then yes of course he should take her. I thought he was taking a gift to her and that daughter was already with her mum.

But OP should have dropped off gift and card to his DD in advance. He's not helping the situation.

Seems kind of odd to me to leave your daughter out of her half-brother's birthday. The only reason would be if you'd already agreed with her mother that that wasn't your day, but, as you say, this is flexible.

Sadly your GF is extremely selfish and emotionally inept.

How could a grown woman do that to a 9 year old is just terrible and she should be going to the zoo as well.

Your DD is your flesh and blood and whether your GF likes it or not, she is part of you and the whole package . Your DD and DS ARE brother and sister.

You need to speak to her in no uncertain terms.

I feel for you, but you need to set some solid ground rules, otherwise this is going to end in disaster.

OP god forbid you have another child with current gf would we want to exclude this child from ds birthday? Because it's his day?

Of course she wouldn't because that child would be his sibling

Just as your dd is.

Absolutely! We don’t know what the dynamic is in this relationship. I’ve been on both sides of this - my DD dad was never hands on and stopped contact with her when he had children with a new partner and as mentioned, my partner has a child with an ex that often feels like 3rd person in our relationship because she often calls about random unimportant stuff disrupting our time together that could have simply been asked in a text message.

There needs to be boundaries on both sides where time is respected for both relationships. If current partner is constantly feeling like an afterthought because there is constant communication and involvement with the previous relationship then there is bound to be resentment. I’m not sticking up for her behaviour but unless OP can hand on heart say that he nurtures both relationships equally then things will never change. If OP does, then maybe everyone is right in saying that the relationship should be ended.

Boundaries need to be set and allowed for personal time with partner/son, time for combined blended family unit and time with daughter. OP mentions shift work - does this involve time away from home that impacts the at home time/dynamic of current relationship also? If the ex is impacting the time that should be personal time with partner/son this will not be helping the situation.

Just because you get into a relationship with someone who has a child it doesn’t mean that you should expect them to drop everything you had planned to suit a person you are no longer in a relationship with. Unless it’s a matter directly involving the child’s health/care needs of course. I don’t feel that Mother’s Day in this case was one of those and should have been sorted so that it didn’t impact your partners first Mother’s Day.

You cannot lose the relationship with your over for the sake of your GF. It’s just not on. It will destroy your daughter. (It destroyed me when my father left me when I was 10) so I am speaking from experience.
You have to let your DP know that it’s you and your DD and you have come as a package and always will. You must demand that she accept that. If she cannot accept it then you can either have your time with your DD and DS together without GF or she gets stuck in and accepts you are a family of 4 but that there will be no compromise. It is better to deal with it properly once than to allow this behaviour to drag on especially if it is already affecting your daughter.

@Georgina1987

I’m not saying he wanted to see his ex, but he didn’t need to do that on Mother’s Day, it could have been prepared in advance. If your partner left you and your child on Mother’s Day to drop something off for his ex how would you feel?

I would feel absolutely fine. Because a child dropping off something to their mum on Mother's Day makes perfect sense and is a nice thing for her child. I'm confused as to why you think otherwise?

What would be the downside for you for your partner to pop over to his ex's place to facilitate his daughter giving her mum a Mother's Day card and gift? What specifically about it bothers you?

Unless you think he's going to shag her while he's there there is absolutely nothing disrespectful about it!

It's not about you, it's about the child.

I'm genuinely shocked that you would be put out by this and think it's indicative of someone being in an insecure relationship.