Partner’s attitude towards my Daughter

[Dominic1990]

Hi,

I posted before about another issue, the reason for me coming here to get peoples view as I like to know it I’m right in how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and I do not want to speak to friends/family about issues and they judge my gf. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable or being too protective of my daughter, as when I raise as issue I’m being made to feel in the write and have started to think maybe I am.

i have 9 yo daughter I was with her mother for 12 years and we have a very good co parent relationship. me and my gf have a son who will be 1 next week on Friday on Thursday me and his mum are going to take him out together to the zoo and on the Saturday we have a get together with some her family and on his actual birthday I said about having my daughter and she is saying no As it should just be us as a family and should be all about our son, I did reinform her my daughter is part of my family. And I stated we have Thursday together when we go out to the zoo, however this doesn’t matter as it’s not his actual birthday,

Please let me know what you would do In this position or if you have been on her position and understand.

I’ve read all of your messages op and I really feel for you and your daughter. Your gf is bullying you both. What is your gf’s background? What do you think might be driving the jealousy? Would she be willing to go to counselling?

I absolutely see you are in a difficult situation with the probability of not being able to see your son every day if you were to split up. Sending hugs 🫂

She is relentless and he has relinquished his agency in order to please her
She knows she has him by the balls, every move he makes causes him pain.

He has placed himself in a situation where he can very easily be exploited, I'm not saying it's all his fault, he's the 'do the right thing' person in this scenario, who assumes others will follow suit.
I think it takes wisdom & maturity to treat another's child as your own, as well as decency, and she seems to have none of these qualities. Her only loyalty is to her child. His is split between his 2 children. She is using his child as a lever to control him & there's nothing he can do about it that doesn't cause him more pain than it causes her.

What do you think might be driving the jealousy?
My guess is she enjoys the feeling of power, being able to jerk him around.

I would divorce her and get 50% custody so your son and daughter have a chance to be siblings . Your wife is awful to your daughter

Fuck that bitch.

Your children take priority.

Explain to her you're not tolerating her insecurities and pushing your daughter away.

Sure, your access to your son will change, but you will be able to spend quality time with them both without the drama.

As a father, you must put your children first and that means, for your daughter, protecting her from that woman.

Either you missed the warning signs or your gf is spectacularly un self aware or a combination of both. She doesn't want you to have a dd and she is trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. Don't let her. You are damaging your dd and your relationship with her.

Your daughter is your family, do not take your partners disrespect. That’s disgusting and if my partner ever said that I would seriously re consider the relationship. Are you okay with her excluding your daughter? This issue will only snow ball if you don’t tell your partner where she can F off.

I'd be taking your daughter to the zoo as well as her seeing her baby brother on the day of his 1st birthday. The gf needs to grow up and accept you have 2 children and she shouldn't be excluded from family occasions!

You just don't seem strong enough to stand up to your gf and your daughters well being is being damaged.
Imagine being that insecure that she can't let you pop out for an hour to drop off flowers and a card for your daughter to give to her mum. That little girl didn't get the chance to give her mum anything on the day and that's on you you gave in and let your daughter down and now the birthday she can't even attend her brothers birthday because she's not seen as family surely you are not going to let that happen because what will the next thing be?
what happens fathers day?
can she come on holidays with you? Christmas?
If you don't make a stand now forget your relationship with your daughter as it will be damaged beyond repair. You come as a package and if she's not willing to accept that then she's not the one.

So the child can't give her mum a mother's day present like other children do because if dad buys the flowers on her behalf it's romantic what a load of crap he's making an effort for his daughter so she can make her mum feel special how can you take that away from a child.

Yes he should buy birthday and Christmas presents for his ex from his daughter and let his daughter pick them out because he's doing it for his daughter and its shows they have a healthy co parenting relationship.

This thread has really gotten to me. Tell your girlfriend that your daughter is your family, your son is your family but if she doesn't sort herself out then she no longer will be. You have a responsibility as a parent, take it seriously and I mean this kindly. Your girlfriend is indirectly abusing your child. She is allowing her to feel excluded, like she is second class to her and your son. As a Mother herself, she should have the ability to imagine how she would feel if this were her child being treated like this by another woman. Tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is nothing short of abusive and cruel.

Heyyy,

the fact your girlfriend seems to not think about your daughter as part of the family is really sad!

Im sure your daughter would love to get to see her baby brother on his 1st birthday!

Your girlfriend is being completely unreasonable and it sounds like she is jealous of your daughter!

I would seriously sit down with her and have a deep conversation or this relationship is not going to work.

Hope it turns out ok!

Happy 1st birthday to your son 😁🥰

You need to get this woman away from your daughter. She is toxic an abusive. I hate to say this but I think you need to split. She loves her son so she won't hurt him while she's got him without you, but you need a way of having frequent regular contact with your girl without this toxic woman around. You can't do this if you are married to said woman.

OP this is gaslighting and emotional abuse. Look up the Freedom Programme or have a look on https://mankind.org.uk/ for support around understanding abuse. Hopefully that will help you to gather the strength you need to end things with your girlfriend and put your children first.

You are right. It's a shitty place to be because your gf is going to make you choose between being a dad to your son or a dad to your daughter but never both. If you can't make her see that how can we? All I can say is people make mistakes, children suffer for it but you can't make the world perfect for them or you.
Please show your gf all these replies anyway because people can change if they're motivated and can grow up to be better people. Once she stops reacting like a child she just might accept that and start to do that. Good luck and don't blame yourself for everything.

This.

OP your girlfriend should be including your daughter on your son’s birthday. IF daughter didn’t want to come that’s understandable but it just makes me angry that your girlfriend has told you your daughter isn’t going. Your daughter has had to accept you no longer live with her then she had new gf and then had to accept a new baby, she has had so much to deal with and I feel your girlfriend isn’t considering this poor girls feelings. Honestly be careful of her because it’s worrying.

@Dominic1990 , I can only hope you’ll be the father your daughter deserves ☹️.

I feel so sorry for your children and that you’re in this situation. Imagine if the situation gets worse - your ex gets sick and your dd needs to live with you. Sorry I sound bleak but for context I say this as someone who has faced their own mortality recently (luckily should be fine) and I talked to my dh about potential future new partners looking after our two kids and how to safeguard them from being marginalised. Sometimes these things happen sadly. Please take action.