Page 7 | Partner’s attitude towards my Daughter

Georgina1987 · 20/03/2024 12:20

whatsitcalledwhen · 20/03/2024 12:10

@Georgina1987

I’m not saying he wanted to see his ex, but he didn’t need to do that on Mother’s Day, it could have been prepared in advance. If your partner left you and your child on Mother’s Day to drop something off for his ex how would you feel?

I would feel absolutely fine. Because a child dropping off something to their mum on Mother's Day makes perfect sense and is a nice thing for her child. I'm confused as to why you think otherwise?

What would be the downside for you for your partner to pop over to his ex's place to facilitate his daughter giving her mum a Mother's Day card and gift? What specifically about it bothers you?

Unless you think he's going to shag her while he's there there is absolutely nothing disrespectful about it!

It's not about you, it's about the child.

I'm genuinely shocked that you would be put out by this and think it's indicative of someone being in an insecure relationship.

But it wasn’t the child dropping something off - the child was already at home with her mother (I re-read the post).

To me it is prioritising the ex partner over the current partner. As I’ve already said it should have been done in advance so she could give the gift to her Mother’s Day morning. Not dad rocking up with something part way through the day.

It’s not about being insecure, it’s about expecting a level of respect from your partner. Had they not had a child together and it not been his partners first Mother’s Day I wouldn’t have seen a problem with it.

Allyliz · 20/03/2024 12:44

Your girlfriend sounds like she's got some serious issues and is trying to exclude your daughter from being part of your new family. Its not your daughters fault that you've got together with an evil stepmother so you should not be letting her suffer for your mistakes. Get a backbone and tell her that your daughter is coming and if she can't handle that then you're taking your daughter out for the day and she can enjoy the party with 'her' family...I hate manipulative people and the effect that they have on innocent children...its just nasty

whatsitcalledwhen · 20/03/2024 13:21

@Georgina1987

I'm sorry I just can't see how him popping over (with or without the child) to give the child some presents for their mum is somehow ruining his partner's Mother's Day. I really don't get it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agree to disagree I guess.

EG94 · 20/03/2024 13:23

whatsitcalledwhen · 20/03/2024 13:21

@Georgina1987

I'm sorry I just can't see how him popping over (with or without the child) to give the child some presents for their mum is somehow ruining his partner's Mother's Day. I really don't get it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agree to disagree I guess.

If you took all the other issues away I get this. Dad could have given daughter stuff the day before. Ex would have had a nice Mother’s Day and gf would of felt prioritised on her first Mother’s Day

i think the other issues taint this incident because it seems everything to do with SC is a competition her or me and jealousy.

we are also only hearing one side of this. There are three sides, his, hers and the truth.

SamW98 · 20/03/2024 13:30

whatsitcalledwhen · 20/03/2024 13:21

@Georgina1987

I'm sorry I just can't see how him popping over (with or without the child) to give the child some presents for their mum is somehow ruining his partner's Mother's Day. I really don't get it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agree to disagree I guess.

I agree with you. I don’t see any issue at all with him dropping in for a short time so his DD gets to see both her parents on Mother’s Day.

I cannot fathom how that can be seen as prioritising his ex over his current partner in the slightest. It’s about adult exes working together to do what’s best for the child.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 20/03/2024 13:42

Georgina1987 · 20/03/2024 09:20

I’m going to play devils advocate here as there could be many reasons why your partner feels this way and I think some comments are very unfair without knowing everything about your situation. Also, unless those posting negative remarks are from blended families then they have no room to judge.

I don't think she is being unreasonable by wanting her son’s first birthday to be all about him. After all, your daughter has had plenty of birthdays being an only child without siblings being present. As your partners first child she clearly wants this to be a special day for her and him. This is her first experience of her own child’s first birthday! Let her have her day with him then do something else separate from that day all together with your daughter so that she doesn’t feel left out.

Speaking from experience, my partner has a young daughter from a previous relationship and it can be incredibly difficult at times. He is also amicable with his ex and speaks to her almost daily which often can feel like there is a 3rd person in our relationship. The Mother’s Day situation probably felt very insensitive from your partners perspective (especially if she had your son at the time) as I assume she would have expected you to have spent the day together, not going to see your ex with a gift. My partner buys a present for his DD mother which I have no issue with but he prepares it in advance. Had we had a child together and he went to see his ex on Mother’s Day I would be very upset too!

How are you with your partner and son when your daughter is around? I’ve had times when I have felt invisible and like I’m being used as a babysitter when I spend time with my partner and his daughter and he acts like a completely different person when she is around which does build up resentment. His daughter is fabulous and we get along really well but his behaviour creates issues that shouldn’t be there. Since I raised this with him he has taken steps to change and integrate our time together better and it has made the world of difference. It’s not necessarily your daughter that is the issue to your partner but the way that you act when she is around. Maybe something to think about?

Talk to your partner and try to get to the bottom of why she is feeling the way she is.

I agree with this x

Its unnecessary to bring flowers to your ex on Mother’s Day.

Your daughter could have just made a card for her mum. I would have been happy with that. It is not necessary for you to be spending money on a slightly romantic present for your ex.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/03/2024 13:44

PrimalOwl10 · 20/03/2024 10:43

Have you posted about this before it seems oddly familiar if so you were told your dp was being abusive to your dd and to leave her.

He did and I don't think he came back to that thread either. You can only lead the horse to water.....

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 20/03/2024 13:45

Georgina1987 · 20/03/2024 10:13

I’m not saying he wanted to see his ex, but he didn’t need to do that on Mother’s Day, it could have been prepared in advance. If your partner left you and your child on Mother’s Day to drop something off for his ex how would you feel? My daughter’s father was never involved and school always made Mother’s Day/Father’s Day cards so I never went without anything and my mum always used to buy me a gift from my daughter so I never went without. It’s great that OP makes an effort for Mother’s Day but what I’m saying is it could have been done more respectfully to his partner and prepared in advance.

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Also agree!

Do you also feel the need to buy birthday and Christmas presents for you ex “from your daughter?”
Your ex has her own family members (which you are not any more) to be buying her presents. It doesn’t need to come from you.

SlackAlice1 · 20/03/2024 13:47

This makes me incredibly angry.

My DSS was 9 when DH and I met. We went on to have 2 boys and DSS was ALWAYS welcome to come to any and all outings/ events/holidays because HE IS MY FAMILY TOO.

Do not let your horrible wife exclude him. It will hurt him and he’ll rightly never forgive you.

Justkeepswiimming · 20/03/2024 13:49

This is one of the reasons I think staying single is the best possible option. I have an excellent co parent relationship with my ex. Could I guarantee I'd find someone who was mature enough to accept that or my daughter in the way I think they should? I feel strongly the answer is highly unlikely!

WorkCleanRepeat · 20/03/2024 13:55

Your gf sounds jelous and immature. Good luck navigating the next 18 years with her if your son is only 1. I'm not sure I'd want to.

Coconutter24 · 20/03/2024 13:58

Dominic1990 · 19/03/2024 11:42

we have had many issues along the way we even split up over it and when we did split up she said I caused a divide and I started to think maybe I did cause this so I we agreed to start again and both put in effort however 3 months on we are back where we started.

My gf can not help but get annoyed about thing such as Mother’s Day I got card and flowers for her to give her mum and because I was going drop them off on mothersday morning for my daughter I was ruining Mother’s Day ( so I did it day after instead)

my daughter is becoming very quiet and withdrawn In front on her.

it’s hard to give up as we have a son however I am worried this going to come at a cost of relationship with my daughter

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Whatever you do, do not stay in this relationship at the cost of your relationship with your DD. My ex chose his new gf and new children over his daughter. It’s heartbreaking for the child to be excluded from their father’s life just because a new gf can’t handle being a step mum and is jealous over the fact your child with her won’t always come first. Stand up for your DD she’s only 9!!

638298362a · 20/03/2024 14:06

SamW98 · 20/03/2024 13:30

I agree with you. I don’t see any issue at all with him dropping in for a short time so his DD gets to see both her parents on Mother’s Day.

I cannot fathom how that can be seen as prioritising his ex over his current partner in the slightest. It’s about adult exes working together to do what’s best for the child.

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Child didn’t need to see both parents on Mother’s Day. It’s Mother’s Day, not family day.

He has a women at home who he’s in a Relationship with and has kids with. That’s who he should be prioritising on mothers days.

Not popping out to see his ex.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 20/03/2024 14:48

638298362a · 20/03/2024 14:06

Child didn’t need to see both parents on Mother’s Day. It’s Mother’s Day, not family day.

He has a women at home who he’s in a Relationship with and has kids with. That’s who he should be prioritising on mothers days.

Not popping out to see his ex.

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Agree!

I don’t understand the posters who find this part a terrible offence. I really would not expect a visit or flowers from an ex on Mother’s Day. It is disrespectful to his actual partner.

If my child is young, I don’t need a present.
If my child is >4-5, anything they write on a card will be great.

Willnoonethinkofthebirds · 20/03/2024 14:54

It wasn't about HIM seeing his ex on Mother's Day. Or about his current partner. It was him facilitating a card and gift from their daughter. It was him being a good father and co-parent.

638298362a · 20/03/2024 15:46

Willnoonethinkofthebirds · 20/03/2024 14:54

It wasn't about HIM seeing his ex on Mother's Day. Or about his current partner. It was him facilitating a card and gift from their daughter. It was him being a good father and co-parent.

He could of got his daughter to make a card when he had her the time before Mother’s Day and sent it back with her. No need for a gift at all to be honest either.

Absolutley no need to want to go over on Mother’s Day when it appears he didn’t even have his daughter with him to drop of a card and flowers.

It was his GF first Mother’s Day so he should of been at home making her feel special.

638298362a · 20/03/2024 15:48

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 20/03/2024 14:48

Agree!

I don’t understand the posters who find this part a terrible offence. I really would not expect a visit or flowers from an ex on Mother’s Day. It is disrespectful to his actual partner.

If my child is young, I don’t need a present.
If my child is >4-5, anything they write on a card will be great.

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Exactly. If my ex showed up with flowers And a card on Mother’s Day for me from the kids I’d find it extremely odd.

Im happy with a handmade card from my kid, a and a cuddle, not flowers from an ex.

Bsgpuss · 20/03/2024 16:36

Your daughter is your family and should be included. She is yours for ever!

SamW98 · 20/03/2024 17:14

Willnoonethinkofthebirds · 20/03/2024 14:54

It wasn't about HIM seeing his ex on Mother's Day. Or about his current partner. It was him facilitating a card and gift from their daughter. It was him being a good father and co-parent.

Totally agree. It’s about making the daughter seeing her parents working together for her wellbeing.

Can’t believe anyone would get the hump about him being out the house to drop a card and present for a short period. The new one sees him the rest of the day and apparently that’s still not good enough.

But then from previous threads this is a woman who threw a hissy fit because he bought his daughter a cookie ffs so she’s shown how petty and jealous she is over and over again

Lwrenn · 20/03/2024 17:32

Dominic1990 · 19/03/2024 12:05

Thank you all, and maybe I do need to get a back bone however already living without one child is hard and making a decision like this which will mean I will not see my son everyday and after work when I get home he won’t be here to see me is hard, I just didn’t want to chuck it away without knowing I tried everything I could and give things a chance.

Im made to feel like I’m over sensitive and overprotective over my daughter and that I get defensive over her straight away. When someone tells your over reacting or taking things the wrong way all the time you start to believe It and think your the problem.

I've read your previous posts also and my friend, as lonely as it might be sharing your time as a Co parent again, won't be as lonely as when your daughter won't even entertain being around you because she's been so let down.

Your girlfriend is an absolute tit, tell her to grow up or fuck off.

I've got 2 different fathers to my DC and if my DP treated my DS like this I couldn't allow him to live with us any longer, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Also I usually give new mums leeway due to pnd etc but targeting you DD is a dick move.

I had a friend actually who had similar, maybe this is something that you can relate to? He was unfortunately widowed really young and met his new gf when his dd was around the age of your DD, gf moved in and adored dd, doted on her, got pregnant with a DS and became vile to DD. Turned out she'd wanted a girl and because she'd not got the girl she felt entitled to, she took it out on the dd? I'm not sure if this is the case here but it was for my pal. GF actually left him with DS when she went.

AgentJohnson · 20/03/2024 17:47

What was she like before you had a child? Was she possessive of your time with your daughter beforehand? If you’ve already split over this issue and your child isn’t even one, it sounds like that this isn’t a recent issue and it wasn’t taken seriously enough. It isn’t about wrong or right, it’s about expectations. Your gf clearly sees your daughter as separate and perhaps secondary to your son and herself. You want to blend your family and your gf doesn’t. Unfortunately, you can’t go back in time and spend more time thinking about the realities of having a second family.

What can you do now? Sit down with your gf and discuss this properly with clear expectations. Negotiations need to be had and agreements made, concrete ones, vague promises to ‘do better’ are not good enough.

InfiniteGoodVibes · 20/03/2024 18:57

SamW98 · 20/03/2024 13:30

I agree with you. I don’t see any issue at all with him dropping in for a short time so his DD gets to see both her parents on Mother’s Day.

I cannot fathom how that can be seen as prioritising his ex over his current partner in the slightest. It’s about adult exes working together to do what’s best for the child.

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I also agree.

I cannot imagine getting upset let alone angry over this. Far too many women take the silly day too seriously anyway, but to begrudge a child the joy of giving her mum flowers is rotten and says everything about gf character.

@Georgina1987 Had we had a child together and he went to see his ex on Mother’s Day I would be very upset too!

Grow up!

Stil16 · 20/03/2024 19:05

Dominic1990 · 19/03/2024 11:31

Hi,

I posted before about another issue, the reason for me coming here to get peoples view as I like to know it I’m right in how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and I do not want to speak to friends/family about issues and they judge my gf. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable or being too protective of my daughter, as when I raise as issue I’m being made to feel in the write and have started to think maybe I am.

i have 9 yo daughter I was with her mother for 12 years and we have a very good co parent relationship. me and my gf have a son who will be 1 next week on Friday on Thursday me and his mum are going to take him out together to the zoo and on the Saturday we have a get together with some her family and on his actual birthday I said about having my daughter and she is saying no As it should just be us as a family and should be all about our son, I did reinform her my daughter is part of my family. And I stated we have Thursday together when we go out to the zoo, however this doesn’t matter as it’s not his actual birthday,

Please let me know what you would do In this position or if you have been on her position and understand.

I have a stepdaughter (now 17 met her dad when she was 8) we have a now 6 year old son together and I would never exclude her from anything. She was the first person we told I was pregnant, came to apts, was there when we found out the gender and at all birthdays and family occasions. She is as much part of our life as our son…DH buys presents for her mum and I have no problem with this at all. In fact I couldn’t love or respect my husband if he were any different. I’m not going to lie occasionally it is hard, but I have to appreciate that her mum is always going to be in our lives so it’s better for everyone to get along and accept that sometimes that will be about things that aren’t necessarily my business… The children should always come first. It won’t help any of the relationships with you all if you allow it to be any different

Magicmonday24 · 20/03/2024 21:56

so your daughter didn’t get to give her mom flowers on Mother’s Day because it would upset your gf ?! Wow. That is another level of crazy / controlling.

sound like you need to sit your gf down & tell her that your daughter and your son together son are siblings - whether she likes it or not - she doesn’t get to exclude your daughter as and when she chooses.

Lastly your daughter is clearly noticing your behaviour is changing due to this gf. This is not ok.

you need to stand up to your gf and explain to her why she is wrong. Better yet show her this thread of replies.

MsDogLady · 20/03/2024 23:15

Re his sitting GF down and reading her the riot act:

In his 2 threads, @Dominic1990 has made it clear that he has repeatedly spoken to his GF about her mistreatment of his DD. They even separated over it for a while, yet the abuse and marginalization continue. She is relentless and he has relinquished his agency in order to please her.

It is clear from his previous example of GF kicking him out of the car in the rain as punishment for buying DD a cookie that she is also abusing him. She rides roughshod over his boundaries and attempts to safeguard DD, and does her best to bamboozle him that he is over-protective and over-sensitive.

My heart breaks for DD, who already suffers from severe anxiety. She must absolutely dread going to that home. She must have to grit her teeth to keep from crying when being marginalized and criticized by her dad’s monstrous GF. As long as he stays with her, he is choosing to sacrifice his daughter.