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Original poster

Car in his name? Am I doing right thing - possibly dv

209 replies

Feelingalone35 · 17/03/2024 10:22

Hi I’ll try and keep it short
We are buying a used car which is 16k
He hasn’t been good with money ( no savings ) and is putting 5k in his parents gave. I’m paying the rest from my savings I had before meeting him , it will clear my savings . He wants the car in his name as said it’s cheaper I’m wondering if I can be the keeper and he be the main driver ( to get the cheaper insurance he wants) I’m just having doubts about this , I’ve agreed to put it all in his name but the last week he’s been horrible to me calling me a c*nt etc it’s a regular occurrence of being mean then the next day it’s like nothing happened it’s been going on years .
my main question is about the car as we are purchasing it this week and I’m scared I’ll lose all my savings and have no legal say on the car. So what should I do ? If he agrees , I can be the legal keeper and him the main driver would that be ok and give me more security in the future ? Thank you

OP posts:
cerebuswannabe · 17/03/2024 16:37

OP please listen to every single poster on this thread. No you don't have to give him your 11k savings, that is your life line! Do you understand you give him that then you are stuck! What happens the next time he is physical with you! Do you want your kids to be brought up around violence and manipulation?

2chocolateoranges · 17/03/2024 16:44

The more you tell us the worse he sounds.

he financially controls you by giving you £20 a week
he emotionally controls you by moving you so far away from friends and family isolating you and telling you not to drive as you’re crap, this brings you down, doubting yourself.
he physically abuses you.

please think if this was your daughter telling you his what advice would you give her?

you’d tell her to run for the hills and get rid!

buying a car with this idiot is the least of your problems!

Pinkbonbon · 17/03/2024 16:47

'I've changed my mind'. Let him buy the second hand cheaper car if he wants one in his name.

I'm assuming you're worried about him kicking off if you change your mind. But if you don't change your mind, you'll spend your whole life worried about him kicking off, forever. With no escape fund.

Cakeandcardio · 17/03/2024 16:52

So what if he killed himself?
Doesn't seem like you would lose much and your children will certainly be happier without their mother being called names in front of them.
Do NOT give him your life savings. Use it to get away from him.

BlueEyesBrownHair · 17/03/2024 16:55

Use that £11k to get out x

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 17/03/2024 16:57

Feelingalone35 · 17/03/2024 11:01

Thank you everyone I will look into calling woman’s aid for a chat.

I do trust him but the last few months haven’t been great so I’m cautious about the car going in his name , we do need the car though we live quite rurally ( moved away from our hometown a few years ago ) and struggled with walking most places and now health issues mean we do need it

im unsure if I want to separate i guess I’m so reliant on him I don’t think I could do it . As he pays for everything he gives me £20 a month that’s all . So I’m lucky I do have savings locked away if needed. Our youngest (7) has emotional needs etc so wouldn’t cope with him leaving if it ever happened. No I’m not married to him .
I know everyone saying no to the car but I don’t think I have a choice now as it’s all set up ready to buy with the dealership so I think my main thing is trying to get him to agree to let me be on the invoice as the buyer .

Right you cannot do anything on £20 a month. You need to leave him. I know it’s easier said than done but genuinely he is going to take all your money and you will be so reliant on you what’s to stop him abusing you in every single way.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 17/03/2024 17:03

Do you get child benefit into your account? If not get it changed asap. You are the main carer so you should get it. As a sahm it also gives you NI credits until your youngest reaches 12.

SlowlyLurking · 17/03/2024 17:06

Please do what other posters have suggested and call the dealer explaining you're being financially abused and to ask them to please find a reason to not sell you the car as refusing would compromise your safety. There's no legal obligation but any decent person would help.

There's no real way for you to own the car without your name all over the paperwork. You need to sign to own the car and then he can be the main driver on the insurance as that doesn't prove ownership. Please don't do this OP.

thirtyeighty · 17/03/2024 17:08

Sorry if it's been already answered but why exactly does he want/need the car to be in his name?

Morethan4hourssleep · 17/03/2024 17:10

Op please, please listen to what other posters are saying. Your posts are heartbreaking. Please don't give him this money, it's your lifeline and your chance to make a better life for yourself and your children.
You can pull out of the car purchase, people do it every day and the world doesn't end.
Use your savings to leave when he's at work. I promise you your life will only get better once you leave him. Please don't trap yourself further.

qotsa · 17/03/2024 17:16

2chocolateoranges · 17/03/2024 16:44

The more you tell us the worse he sounds.

he financially controls you by giving you £20 a week
he emotionally controls you by moving you so far away from friends and family isolating you and telling you not to drive as you’re crap, this brings you down, doubting yourself.
he physically abuses you.

please think if this was your daughter telling you his what advice would you give her?

you’d tell her to run for the hills and get rid!

buying a car with this idiot is the least of your problems!

£20 a month 😞.....

ThePoetsWife · 17/03/2024 17:18

thirtyeighty · 17/03/2024 17:08

Sorry if it's been already answered but why exactly does he want/need the car to be in his name?

Cos he is financially abusive

WeeOrcadian · 17/03/2024 17:18

DO NOT BUY THE CAR

Bin the prick

WinterDeWinter · 17/03/2024 17:18

Feelingalone35 · 17/03/2024 10:34

im not really sure what to do , for context we have two children and the family car is needed now for health reasons etc .
I don’t know why I agreed to put it all in his name I guess he convinced me it’d be better and cheaper.
I have tried to leave him years ago but he threatened suicide and we got back together and had another child. I do feel trapped but I don’t think I can separate as too many ties and he pays the rent and bills I don’t work as he works full time doesn’t want me working so it’s very hard to find a job around his . Also as I’ve been out of work so long it’s hard to find an employer who would give me a chance . Both children are at school during the day and I do housework etc .

You leave and then whether or not he wants you to work is irrelevant.

You’ve been brainwashed by him but it sounds as though you are starting to wake up! That’s great. It’s time to leave - because if you stay your male children will think it’s ok to abuse women and your female ones will end up in abusive relationships like yours.

Terrribletwos · 17/03/2024 17:24

Feelingalone35 · 17/03/2024 12:38

Yes we’ve been looking at cars for a while and seen a couple that are cheaper 12k ish but he said it’s no good and for some reason the budget kept going up.
It has to be automatic that maybe why it does seem expensive. Before I met him I worked full time and that’s where my savings came from.
He knows about them yes as it was locked away for future and was going to give dcs 1k each at 18 .
We do need the car it’s all set up with the car place now and he’s the one they contact so I’m unsure when we go how to say the papers need to be in my name .
if the car goes ahead is it possible to still separate if I decide to in future ? The main thing is the house is in both names it’s housing association but he pays all the rent etc and would claim he has no where else to go .

But what makes you believe you are reliant on him when he only gives you £20 a month! You could leave and have a lot more by claiming benefits for a start and then looking to get a job. Also, you could find support for you and your child.

Please, you don't need to do this!

unsync · 17/03/2024 17:28

Please don't do this. It seems to be the very last thing you have that could help you leave. Once he's got his car, things will be so desperate for you. I hope you realise that he is abusing you financially and emotionally. You can get help to leave. He has already taken so much from you, please try and find the strength to not let him take this.

I know that it can seem that there are no options but to keep doing what you are doing, but you can have a different life. I was very trapped, but now I am free and life is good. Please speak to your local Women's Aid and ask for help.

Terrribletwos · 17/03/2024 17:32

Feelingalone35 · 17/03/2024 13:48

In answer to some questions, The original plan was to buy a car around 10k which we both put 5k into . But it soon became clear it wasn’t possible to find one in this price and he kept putting the budget up and I agreed not sure why I suppose he convinced me.
Yes I do drive however I haven’t for a good number of years , at the start of the relationship I had a car but after a couple of years he convinced me to sell it , he would moan about my driving ( at this point he didn’t have a license) and it became not a nice experience driving . Also said cars drain money etc anyway I sold it ( this was when we lived in a big city ) so managed without .
We since moved to rural area 4 hours away from families and it’s hard without a car and much needed now .
No I was in contact with family until around 4 years ago so now the relationship isn’t good and that’s due to many issues I can’t go into .
I’m not sure if I’d qualify for any benefits if I have these savings but I do think the car sale will have to go through , yes I am scared of him if I pull out. He can shout and physical a couple of times not a lot.
He works full time and tries to help people when out ( hold door open for elderly or see them struggling) it’s like he is nice to everyone else apart from me . Been with him 15 years . I am 35 . I just don’t know what to do this is first time I’ve wrote it all down .

I think you can have 16k in savings before your benefits are affected but worth checking that out.
But, of course, you must leave him regardless.

thirtyeighty · 17/03/2024 17:54

What would happen if you said to him I'm not comfortable with buying the car in your name when I'm paying mostly for it? I want it in my name.

jannier · 17/03/2024 18:05

He really has done one on you won't let you work total financial control...aka coersion and financial abuse. And your kids seeing this are being abused. You absolutely can pull out of the purchase and support will find you a home away from him. With 11k your in a good position and he knows it.

CadyEastman · 17/03/2024 18:08

I know that it can seem that there are no options but to keep doing what you are doing, but you can have a different life. I was very trapped, but now I am free and life is good. Please speak to your local Women's Aid and ask for help

Well done for getting away and building a new life for yourself Flowers

CadyEastman · 17/03/2024 18:14

He can shout and physical a couple of times not a lot.

When you say that he's "been physical a couple of times not a lot" what do you mean @Feelingalone35?

You make it sound as though it's perfectly normal to "be physical" and almost seem to be excusing it.

Any sort of violence is not acceptable in any relationship.

You deserve so much better than the life you're giving yourself and your DC right now.

therealcookiemonster · 17/03/2024 18:17

I don't think OP is coming back 😞

Appleass · 17/03/2024 18:17

I just dont get why you are putting all your savings into a car ! What an absolute waste of money !

CadyEastman · 17/03/2024 18:17

He can shout and physical a couple of times not a lot

Sorry that first bit should have been made bold as it was a quote from the OP.

CadyEastman · 17/03/2024 18:17

therealcookiemonster · 17/03/2024 18:17

I don't think OP is coming back 😞

I just hope she's ok.

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