Car in his name? Am I doing right thing - possibly dv

[Feelingalone35]

Hi I’ll try and keep it short
We are buying a used car which is 16k
He hasn’t been good with money ( no savings ) and is putting 5k in his parents gave. I’m paying the rest from my savings I had before meeting him , it will clear my savings . He wants the car in his name as said it’s cheaper I’m wondering if I can be the keeper and he be the main driver ( to get the cheaper insurance he wants) I’m just having doubts about this , I’ve agreed to put it all in his name but the last week he’s been horrible to me calling me a c*nt etc it’s a regular occurrence of being mean then the next day it’s like nothing happened it’s been going on years .
my main question is about the car as we are purchasing it this week and I’m scared I’ll lose all my savings and have no legal say on the car. So what should I do ? If he agrees , I can be the legal keeper and him the main driver would that be ok and give me more security in the future ? Thank you

Just read that back. Slowly. Run the fuck away while you still can!

This!!!
I wouldn't be buying a loaf of bread with him, never mind a car!

This thread is a very sad read OP. He has isolated you from family and friends, destroyed your confidence and is now going to take the last bit of financial independence you have left. You could use that money to leave him and get back on your feet. That would be a far better use for it than buying him a car.

Please listen to all the voices above. I am lucky never to have been in your position, but I have read several threads where the wisdom of mumsnetters have helped people like you to escape men like your partner. Please, please listen.

As others have said - if you do have to go ahead with the car or more likely cannot face not doing it - phone the garage and say you are putting the vast amount of the money in so you are to be registered keeper - the car is yours and he can be on the insurance. If you were brave enough I would pull out of the sale and buy a cheaper car which is 50 50 .

He's good at spending your money isn't he?

I would not use all my savings on a car. I don't believe it is impossible to find a cheaper one. Maybe this is the question which crystallises things for you if he refuses you saying you don't want to spend all your savings when you can perfectly well buy a cheaper car.

The car sale does not have to go through , the garage will have come across this so many times. It only has to if you are scared of his response. I do think the car is not your main problem , but it taking all your savings and it being in his name is a massive problem.

Good luck & try to be brave and just say you have changed your mind.

All best to you 💐

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

He stole your 20s away and now you are 35. Make your 36th year on this planet a far happier one by leaving him. He has and will continue to use and abuse you or until he decides you are of no further use or ornament to him.

Sorry just seen other posts - say you are the owner not registered keeper

I’m also thinking your home life till you met your abuser has not been that great. Of course I do not expect any detail re that but if you are nodding your head in any recognition of that statement I would not be surprised. Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous poor life experiences, are being further eroded by this man now. The effects on your children of all this is incalculable and furthermore it will come back to bite them in adulthood and their own adult relationships.

You have valid concerns.
You know deep down his treatment of you is wrong otherwise you would not have posted.

He’s almost managed to bleed you dry emotionally and he certainly will bleed you dry financially particularly if you give him the money for this car. He wants to use your money to take your last bit of actual financial independence left.

I'm afraid you are locking the door of your prison and handing him the key.

Oh god OP, he's upping the budget because it now wipes our your one and only monetary life line to leave him.

Please don't do this OP, your my age! This is young, this doesn't need to be your life. Please please protect yourself.

OP you CAN pull out of the car purchase. it is your money. He has convinced you that you can't say no, can't leave. this is simply not true. until you have paid the money and signed on the dotted line you can 100% back out. just pack your stuff and leave. go stay with family or rent an airbnb/hotel for a few nights. then call him and tell him it's over.

I can 100% guarantee you his behaviour to you will get far worse once you buy this car. as he knows there is no way you can run away. he is purposefully getting you to spend ALL your savings so you can't run away. it's a classic.

how do you even know for sure the car is worth 16k? I am pretty sure that he is lying and will be pocketing a large chunk of the money himself. 16k for a used car is waaaay too much.

if you have 11k in savings you can easily move out, pay a deposit to rent a flat somewhere more easily accessible. buy a car if you need, apply for Universal credit and child benefit and start looking for jobs. your kids are in school so you can definitely work. your child with additional emotional needs will probably be doing far better away from your abusive partner where he isn't witnessing this abuse.

don't fool yourself. if this goes on like this, he is harming your children and they will carry the emotional scars for ever. at something he may even start abusing them! also, if social services get wind of his abuse, you WILL lose the children and when that day comes (and that's not an if, its a when if you stay with this man), you will have lost everything.

So he expects you to put your savings into buying a car which he will then own, and which he won't let you drive? So he can sell it if he wants and bank the money.

I hope you see how unfair and illogical this is. And I hope you can see this man is abusive. Because he is. This isn't a partnership. It isn't a loving relationship. It isn't a respectful, supportive relationship.

It is an abusive relationship.

Please talk to Womens Aid and very soon. Please get in touch with your family and tell them the truth. Can you talk to the children's school? To your GP?

Please keep talking here, but if you can start to tell people IRL that would really help you.

You need to get away from this man as soon as possible. It will be better for your childen as well as for you.

@Feelingalone35 also OP, you will qualify for benefits as the threshold for savings is 16k I think. but you can check your benefit entitlements online

truth is even without benefits 11k is more than enough to live on while you find a job

As others have said, once he has this car, you'll be penniless.
No savings of your own, and still no independence as he'll say only he can drive the car.

He could also sell the car and keep the money. You'll have nothing.

Just wake up please! I seldom comment on posts like this, but this is frightening!

Go to WA tomorrow and maybe CA or a solicitor. Pack your stuff up and move out, even if to a hotel for a week or so.

Inform the schools and start a new life well away from him!

This is one of the saddest things I've read on here.

OP, imagine another life. One where you laugh, relax, earn money, go shopping, meet friends, drive your own car. Imagine how you're doing to get there and what the next step is. You've already reached out here - that's the first step. And ask for help IRL too- that could be your next one?

You have 11k in savings with which to leave him and support yourself until you find work. You can also claim benefits and child support.

Don't stay with abusers. Don't spend all your savings on them. Don't put things you've nought in their name.

They all fucking threaten suicide. Its abuser handbook 101. They won't kill themselves. And if they actually did then it would be a good thing because it would free you and the kids from the total psychopath.

And your 7 year old will handle him leaving far better than seeing his mother abused for the whole of his childhood. We don't stay in abusive relationships just because our kids will find them ending difficult.

You have to be the adult. If a child will throw a tantrum if you feed them anything other than ice cream, does that mean you only feed them ice cream forever? No. It means you feed them a healthy diet and power through the backlash because its the right thing to do in the longterm for your child. Even if its hard for them at first because they're used to nothing but the icecream.

Talk to the car dealership. Get out of the deal.

I understand you feel committed to buying this car, and it's so frustrating that from an outside perspective, we can all see that you're not. I completely relate to how trapped you must feel and how isolating, confusing, and overwhelming it is to be in your situation. You think there's no way out so you'd better just go along with things and try your best not to upset him. There is a way out. You're really not as trapped as you currently feel. And you're really not committed to buying this car.

I know you're scared of how he might react if you pull out of buying the car, but chances are the abuse IS going to get worse once he's drained your savings. I don't want to scare you, but you need to understand how serious this is. You'll never have peace, you'll never be able to appease him, and you'll never have your freedom if you stay in this relationship. Your savings are your life line. Do not hand it to him.

The savings are YOURS. You earnt them, therefore buy a car which is much cheaper and is in your name. If you are scared of his reaction and fear changing your mind then you are not in a good relationship with a good person and really need to keep your savings, so that you can leave the relationship. As scary as it will be it is possible and you and your children deserve to live life free from fear.

He’s physically, emotionally, verbally and financially abusive.
you have been cut off from any friends and family.
he will not let you work, or allow you independence from him

you have a safety net though, your last bit of freedom and he’s about to take it, for a car for himself. Do you really think he’s going to use that car to help you? Does he usually help you?

you’re saying you have no choice. You do.

you say you can’t afford to pay bills if he left but you have 11k? That would help you for a little while. You could claim child support and benefits.

go to womens aid and leave him this week. If you want to go back you can after (you shouldn’t) but get safe for now, protect your money.
don’t listen about the suicide, it’s just another form of abuse.

Do not wipe out your savings for a 2nd hand car that won't belong to you.

You might aswell burn your money.

Use this money to get yourself and your kids away from this abuser.

If you leave you could take the 11k and put down a deposit on a place to rent then use it to live on for a while. At 11k you can still claim benefits. Entitled to is a good website you fill in questions and it'll tell you how much you can claim. Remeber to clear it from ypur history. You will also be able to get disability benefits on top of that. Also child maintenance.

Do you want to be closer to your old friends and family? You'd at least be 4 hours away from him that way with a bit of support.

Leave a letter while he's out and just go. Turn your phone off or block him.

Remember a car losses its value as soon as you buy it. Dosent matter if you have a claim to a car worth fuck all compared to your 11k.

I’m not sure if I’d qualify for any benefits if I have these savings

Yes you are. Gave a read about claiming benefits here.

And anyway, you could always spend some of the savings on doing things like buying an older car for yourself so that you could drive you and your DC around and have a but of freedom.

You could replace a bit of furniture or buy yourself and the DC a few new clothes.

You could even book a holiday for yourself and the DC.

You have choices OP. Do not the threat of violence tie you to this man forever.

Seek help and get away safely. Do it as soon as you can

You have 11k to improve yours and your dcs lives. Whether that’s getting away from this man, or buying a small cheap car in your own name, or keeping it safe for their future.
don’t just hand it over to your abuser instead.