Car in his name? Am I doing right thing - possibly dv

[Feelingalone35]

Hi I’ll try and keep it short
We are buying a used car which is 16k
He hasn’t been good with money ( no savings ) and is putting 5k in his parents gave. I’m paying the rest from my savings I had before meeting him , it will clear my savings . He wants the car in his name as said it’s cheaper I’m wondering if I can be the keeper and he be the main driver ( to get the cheaper insurance he wants) I’m just having doubts about this , I’ve agreed to put it all in his name but the last week he’s been horrible to me calling me a c*nt etc it’s a regular occurrence of being mean then the next day it’s like nothing happened it’s been going on years .
my main question is about the car as we are purchasing it this week and I’m scared I’ll lose all my savings and have no legal say on the car. So what should I do ? If he agrees , I can be the legal keeper and him the main driver would that be ok and give me more security in the future ? Thank you

How old is he compared to you?. It was truly a sad day for you when your paths crossed.

Your relationship is a classic example of abuse and coercive control right down to changing locations, isolating you from your family and economic abuse.

I presume you are afraid of saying no to him hence you thinking you cannot pull out. However, he's already stuck the knife into you mentally; do not further stick his knife into your own self and future life chances by giving him this money for a car. That money is not his, its yours and your children's. You can use that for your futures.

Please please please do not buy this car. And please seek help. He is abusing you! You're cut off from all your family and have no friends. He's made it so you have him only and you're trapped.

Staying with an abusive man will impact your kids far more than splitting up.

He is 5 years older than me . I really cannot pull out of the purchase and it’s happening this week so I really need to think of what to do regarding the paperwork.

You might need a car because of living rurally, but you don’t need a £16k car!! You are mad handing over all your savings and your only means of leaving over to a man that you are having a bad relationship with. Open your eyes! If you split you will have a fight getting this car back even if it is legally yours. And it will have depreciated so you will only have a portion of that money left. It’s absolutely stupid to spend every penny of your savings and also borrow from family just to buy a posh car.

At the very least I'd insist it's in my name, but I'd not be buying a car for someone who calls me a cunt, let him buy a car for 5k that his parents have given him.

Just read you don't work and he gives you £29 a month - please please don't buy the car. You'll be trapped with no savings and a car that isn't yours.

I know it feels like it will be awful if you pull out, but trust me, it'll be a whole lot worse if you do.

And you absolutely can pull out of this purchase now. Right until you sign. Are you worried about him getting angry if you pull out? I just don’t understand why you’d throw your children’s future security away to buy him a fancy car. This money could be your get away money. It could be holidays for the kids, university funds. So many more important things..

He is absolutely making you use all of your savings on a more expensive car than you need so that you lose the one safety net you have to escape him. DO NOT do it! Also if you do go ahead but keep it in your name ensure that you keep the v5 as I've known people take the v5 and sell it behind their partners back and the garages don't check that the named owner is ok with it being sold.

You will manage if you leave him. It may not be easy but he would certainly have to give you more than £20 a month in child maintenance and the rest you can get on benefits until you are in a better position to get a job around school hours or a job working from home. Have a look at the 'work from home hub - uk' on Facebook. There are quite a few entry level roles that can be done from home. There are also lots of skilled roles too dependant on your background. He doesn't work you to work so that he has you trapped. Your children will grow up thinking relationships are where the woman has no power and is trapped. That's not good for them as it isn't good for you.

I hope you find a way out. Him threatening suicide is a classic abusive tactic to force you to remain.

He is doing this to deplete your savings and stop you from having the means to leave.

This is financial control.

Yes we’ve been looking at cars for a while and seen a couple that are cheaper 12k ish but he said it’s no good and for some reason the budget kept going up.
It has to be automatic that maybe why it does seem expensive. Before I met him I worked full time and that’s where my savings came from.
He knows about them yes as it was locked away for future and was going to give dcs 1k each at 18 .
We do need the car it’s all set up with the car place now and he’s the one they contact so I’m unsure when we go how to say the papers need to be in my name .
if the car goes ahead is it possible to still separate if I decide to in future ? The main thing is the house is in both names it’s housing association but he pays all the rent etc and would claim he has no where else to go .

For the love of god OP please listen.

This man has systematically isolated and financially abused you.

Do not buy this car.
If your family are nice contact them and tell them you need their help to leave.

Save your money. Use it to leave.

There is plenty of work out there.

And let me say this, I'm a lone parent, have been for 13 years. I can tell you that my life is peaceful. My Dd14 is fine. I left an abusive relationship and it was the best decision I ever made.

Staying in the relationship you are is teaching your kids bad relationship dynamics.

Why don't you have a joint account? You are a family so there should be a joint account for family things. Does he buy all the kids clothes, shoes etc? Are you able to order things for them or you online? How would you pay for those things? You should have access to family money for all of you.
I suspect he tightly controls what you are able to spend. That is financial abuse.
He wants to take ALL your savings. Pp have advised you buy a much cheaper car, but I'm guessing he wouldn't accept that - because he is abusing and controlling you.
You don't have to tell him that, you can explain that you need it for family emergencies and it would be sensible to buy a cheaper car.

Can you get back in touch with your old friends and family?

He is controlling your life and your thoughts. He is acting like all this is normal but it's not.

The boiling frog analogy is good because the abuse/control starts slowly and subtly and by the time it's it blindingly obvious to the outside world, you have adapted and see it as acceptable.

Also, be aware, abusers seem lovely at times. They can be great husbands/dad's some or even most of them time. HOWEVER, if he is abuse some of the time, that is the real him. The nice guy act is an act to confuse you and keep you. The being a great dad act is manipulating your love for your children. He is not a great dad as he is isolating and controlling them too.

Please don't give him your life savings. If you decide to leave, if he hurts your children, you will need that money to escape.

The purchase really dows not need to go ahead. In no world are you committed to it. If he is the one contact it is a fait acomplis it will go into his name. Even if he doesn't sell it from under your nose and pocket your cash. It will be worth so much less by 6 months time. It's a depreciating asset.

Call women's aid tomorrow. Truly do not let your savings go. You cannot do this! The budget coincidentally going up is just so that he could get his mits on every last penny of yours. You know he's doing it on purpose. You have absolutely no obligation to do it. Please don't. Women's aid will help you set up universal credit in order to be able to rent somewhere for you and the kids to leave away from his abuse.

Please look after yourself and the kids.

oh my! he's done a number on you hasnt he? use your savings to get away from this man. he knows you have that money and he's making sure it gets spent, trapping you for even longer. contact your family and leave

Do you really want your children growing up thinking it's acceptable to treat your life partner in this way ?
What does this tell a young boy / girl about life , love , respect , honesty and commitment?

Please keep your money and ditch him , I promise you even on UC your life will be so much richer

You must be scared of him OP, and that makes me worried.
If you weren't you could email the garage yourself and cancel the sale.
If you weren't you could tell him the funds are locked away and you need a certain time period before you can access them
If you weren't you could quickly transfer eg 5k into an account where it is locked away for 12 months, to at least safeguard some if it but keep some available for your new life.
If you weren't scared of what he might do, you could order an Uber and take your children to visit friends/family for a week (or more).

I know what it's like to be scared in this situation, you're not alone.
Women's aid can help, but please speak to them before the car sale.

Please please please do not use your savings on this car. This is deliberate he keeps upping the cost so you use all your savings and are well and truly trapped. Right now you have enough money to help you and the kids leave. Just get away from him. Tell him £5k is enough to buy a car, which it is and go, leave. Your son will learn to cope and you will be free.

@Feelingalone35 Please take heed of all the responses on here.
You CAN say no to buying THIS car. He can get a perfectly reasonable car for under £5k.
Move most of your money into another account which is less accessible - ie 30 days notice. You then cannot give it to him next week.

Think:
You give him ALL your savings. The car will go into his name because HE WON'T LET YOU put it in your name.
HE then decides he doesn't want you & the kids anymore & tells you to leave/he leaves.
YOU have nowhere to go & no money. You are not married & have no rights.

Ring Women's Aid. Find a local Women's advice line. Get some help.

It is not an easy decision but for your sake & that of the kids, LEAVE. And take your money with you.

So he’s emotionally and financially abusing you and has isolated you from family and friends. Text book abuser then. You really really really must not put the car in his name. If he challenges you say you need to seek legal advice. Then you really need to think about what you want long term for you and your children.

Why can you not pull out of the purchase? Have you signed any paperwork yet?

Phone the garage explain the situation, that you are being financially abused and really don't want to spend all your savings on the car but are too afraid of his reaction if you pull out. Ask the garage if they can make an excuse for not selling you the car.

He has chosen a car intentionally, so you no longer have a safety net of any savings OP. He is doing this to make sure you have nothing bar his 20 quid. You should not hand that money over.
However, if you go ahead, make sure your name is everywhere, on everything. You are putting in a bigger share, you need to be main everything on it. That needs to be something you stand firm on.
Please, please get your head down and try and figure out a path out of there. It may take months but you will gain strength knowing that your exit is closer.
Your world seems so so tiny. It will blossom away from this 'man'.

It makes sense that he would want a car which wipes out all your savings. You will have no claim to the car. I take it you don't feel able to back out because you are scared of his reaction? Out of curiosity, does he tend to shout and rant? Has be been physically abusive since the incident when the neighbours had to call the police?

You absolutely can pull out and should. Yes I understand the consequences as you feel threatened.

But say no I've changed my mind and let him work out what to do next.

If he does anything threatening towards you, call the police. Get back in contact with your family if they are supportive.

Please do not put all your savings into a car in his name. You say you trust him, but honestly, if anything ever happens (and he sounds like an arsehole anyway tbh) I promise you you'll regret it.
I know it will be awkward and uncomfortable to raise it and he'll kick off about having it in your name. There's a reason for that. Because he's got you over a barrel if you put YOUR money into a car in HIS name.
But it's worth the angst. Protect yourself.