BIL making disgusting jokes about his wife via group family chat.

[Satonthesofa11]

Would you put up with that?

It’s really disgusting the kind of jokes he says about his wife on the family chat. Things about anal and easy access. The parents are on this chat. Is this type of thing normal?

That’s just the risk you take, surely. You speaking up might not go down well, but it could also be the thing that makes her think, even just a little bit, that this isn’t normal or acceptable. One day, as her daughters get older, it could be the thing that helps her leave when she’s had enough.

Or, you could just say nothing and watch their daughters grow up in a house that shows them it’s okay to allow a scumbag man to disrespect them.

The daughters are already teenagers and quite timid themselves. She keeps them at home all the time as she believes everyone is talking about her.

OP, just speak to her privately, tell her you've left the group because her husbands comments about her are disgusting and demeaning. Offer her support, if she is timid and has anxiety she may welcome you advocating for her, and potentially her daughters.If she rebuffs you at least you've tried.

MAKING BELITTLING DEHUMANISING JOKES ABOUT HER IN FRONT OF HER IN LAWS IS ABUSIVE.

(in caps to make sure it sinks in OP - you are really minimising this)

YES. Your previous relationships must mean you have a pretty low bar yourself. This is frankly appalling and I'm utterly disgusted this family is going along with it.

That poor woman. Publicly humiliated and no one having the guts to speak up. Horrible behaviour from everyone.

All the more reason to speak up, then. It seems like a very unhealthy dynamic, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was abusive in other ways, but okay - just keep quiet if that’s what you’d prefer.

You keep saying she’s timid, won’t leave the house, and have implied she’s paranoid, etc. Does that sound like a healthy person to you?

In most cases, people are not like this by default - it’s learned behaviour because someone is training them to be this way or else face the consequences.

This woman obviously needs help. Her girls certainly do, and you keeping quiet is helping no one.

Yep. Making her think everyone thinks he's right and she's wrong to dislike this awful disrespect.

I feel so sorry for the daughters. Also if your DH has only "mild" autism and doesn't ever speak this way himself, then surely he understands this is not ok? Surely after you've explained it to him, he can see the point? And surely, he can also see how incredibly "timid" (your own words) his nieces have become, that they are kept in the house and don't dare say anything. Does that also "go over his head"?
I'd use the classic MN here, You have a DH problem as much as a BIL/PIL problem. DH is staying in the chat not expressing an opinion and appearing accepting of all that vile talk. If I were you, I'd be telling him that I don't want to see any of his family again, bar from his nieces and SIL (who probably need someone to step in and help).

💯 this.

Don’t think you will be able to change this woman and if you do try you could be accused of shit stirring

I think your husband needs to talk to his brother as he sounds vile

It's a little scary actually. Sounds like she has been beaten down and isolated by her husband. Do you think that could be the case? Perhaps worth having a look online about supporting people in that sort of situation. I don't know the whole story but it is certainly giving red flags to me

I get what you are all saying but I can’t make her do anything. I’ve been there and the only thing that made me do something was to decide myself that I deserved better. To walk away from his money and not worry about what people will think of me. To get a job and sort myself out. Other people pointing it out did nothing to help. She is part of the co dependancy at the moment. She’s on the chat all the time showing her dinners off she has made for him or the things she’s done for him. How much she loves him and all he’s done for her etc etc.

@Turniptracker I don’t think this is the case. I think they depend on each other. She needs him to provide the environment where she doesn’t have to work yet she gets everything she wants so looks good to people on the outside. In return she is doing all the house and child raising and she looses power over her voice in return. It’s very codependent.

Again, you’re completely missing the point of what people are saying. Of course you can’t make someone do something they’re not ready to do.

Nobody is saying that by you speaking up, she’ll immediately wake up and realise she’s being abused and will file for divorce.

There’s a good chance you’ll be told to mind your own business, but the point is, you have nothing to lose by at least trying.

You don’t know for certain that she’s not unhappy and feels embarrassed by these messages, you’re just assuming because of her adding laughing emojis and posting about how happy she is on Facebook.

So, by speaking up, she will maybe realise she has some support, and this will make it easier for her to speak with you in confidence.

You might not get through right away, but you’d at least be planting a seed.

Keeping quiet is far more likely to ensure that she never wakes up for herself.

@Satonthesofa11 You're here complaining about a lot, and with plenty of evidence, but you do nothing.

This continues because the bunch of you are either utterly spineless or equally revolting characters, encouraging his behaviour.

Tell him he’s an ass, leave the chat or any of the other useful things you can do.

You say he’s not abusive, but you’re uncomfortable because you know what he’s doing is wrong. You haven’t said she makes equally repulsive comments, which suggests she’s enduring, not enjoying.

Get the group admin to remove him or leave the group and reset up without him in it.

Totally grim and disgusting!
Are the parents okay with this
" humour"?

How can it be normal???
Come on!

@Enigma52 OP said previously that the parents find it funny. What an awful family, and of course far from normal.

Well if the parents find it funny, what can you do? That's the " humour" of the family it seems. Awful.