BIL making disgusting jokes about his wife via group family chat.

[Satonthesofa11]

Would you put up with that?

It’s really disgusting the kind of jokes he says about his wife on the family chat. Things about anal and easy access. The parents are on this chat. Is this type of thing normal?

@PossumintheHouse he can twist anything to make a joke.

So it's your husbands and BILs family chat, she's married in like you? Just so I get it.

But yeah either way it's inappropriate, if that's his families sense of humour I don't know what you can do about it, what's your DHs opinion? Could he start putting "bro, think you meant that for your private chat with wife, we don't need to know that " like jokey, keep that info to yourself type comments?

TBH if the rest of the family is comfortable with this, I don't rate your chances of making it change.

I'd post a few 'yuck' or 'how unpleasant' type comments, then mute or leave the group if nothing changes. Or get DH to spell out that it's gross.

I'd also be on the lookout for signs of domestic abuse - it's humiliating and belittling her, suggesting a lack of respect in sexual activities - that can be a sign of other abuse. Or he might just be an immature idiot.

I wouldn't be up for this at all.

Let's hope your daughters don't go for a man like their dad. I'm going to leave this group now, it's not for me.

Let them think what they like about you, there is no way I'd silently align with this.

What does your husband say about it? If he doesn't like it but keeps quiet for the sake of keeping the peace, then I'd encourage him to speak up. If he honestly finds his brother talking about anal sex with his SIL in a chat with his parents acceptable and funny then I'd be wondering what he was saying about me in other groups.

What does your husband think of the crass jokes?

He's not in the MET police by any chance

Sorry but... ON A FAMILY GROUP CHAT?!?! Um that is really weird. Not just by BIL but the whole family. Why has nobody pulled him on it?!

I dread to think what behaviour goes on behind closed doors that that poor woman is not a fan of

She does suffer with anxiety and low self esteem as she has said in the past.

@Satonthesofa11 and everyone sits and laughs at her on a family WhatsApp group, wow! No wonder she has low self esteem

She suffers from those MH issues because of him, further not helped by other members of the family. What does your DH/ partner say?

Personally I would be speaking to her on a one to one basis and let her know how I felt and see how she is.

Next time an inappropriate message pops up. ' sorry .... I'm going to be leaving the family chat. Your misogynistic jokes make me and others uncomfortable. This is a family group and it's not the 1070s.'

You're just as bad as them for witnessing it all and doing nothing.

And you still haven't answered where your husband is in all of this. I suspect he joins in with laughing emojis, and THAT is what actually makes you uncomfortable, but you're choosing to spend your energy on moaning about it on Mumsnet rather than address the actualll issue.

@crumblingschools I think it’s because she laughs along with it instead of saying I’m not liking it people think she is ok with it.

I was just wondering if it was normal to joke like this in family’s. I didn’t think it was but it definitely sounds like it’s not.

@OrlandointheWilderness

😮

I mean : obviously. Privately send her the link for help getting out if abusive relationships and leave the group chat.

I really dislike the advice to remind him of how he would feel if the daughters suffered similar abuse. He may feel differently but its not because of some newfound respect for women but because of feelings of ownership and dominance.

I would just say “I am not on this whatsapp to hear these stupid sex “jokes” or to be involved in this pathetic performance of guy shit. Im out.”

@Satonthesofa11 what does your husband say about his brother commenting like this? I think I would avoid the entire family if they go on like this.

Next time he says something id immediately leave the chat and tell your husband/any of the family who ask that you can't stand the misogyny.

WHAT DOES YOUR DH THINK ABOUT IT OP?

You are studiously ignoring this question.

OP you still haven't said what your husband thinks of this. That would be very key for me.

The "jokes" are revolting and wildly inappropriate but if the rest of the family, including the wife, are all over the chat with their laugh emojis, there's absolutely no point even trying to pull them up on it. It's not normal generally but it's normal for them.

However if my husband was OK with it on any level that would honestly be a dealbreaker for me.

Instead of saying anything confrontational I would keep a look out for your SIL. She may need your support and help at some point.

You are part of the conditioning if you aren't saying anything, or just by tolerating it. You're saying it's OK with your silence.

I didn’t want it to be about my partner. He has mild autism and it goes over his head. He only talks on the chat about really boring stuff lol.