BIL making disgusting jokes about his wife via group family chat.

[Satonthesofa11]

Would you put up with that?

It’s really disgusting the kind of jokes he says about his wife on the family chat. Things about anal and easy access. The parents are on this chat. Is this type of thing normal?

It is abuse. He ritually embarrasses her in front of his family. That's like saying she takes her beating quietly so she can't really mind...

He embarrasses everyone, he’s just a bit of a dick in my opinion but then I don’t live with him.

Many abused women appear to not care and go along with it being put in their place and degraded for so long it's all they expect ...it may also be learned behaviour on the husbands part as it's how he's seen the men in the family treat women including the father with the mother who plays along.
Should Rosa parks have moved on the bus, should Emily Pankhurst have shut up?

I’m just unsure if you can help people who don’t want or ask for help. It’s not up to me to decided what embarrasses her or what she finds offensive that’s for her to say I dont like it, she needs to find her voice. They are already aware of my opinion as I’ve been abused and they don’t talk like that about me. They think I’m stuck up and they just a family with “different” humour. It’s up to her to decided what she wants to accept. If she wants advice I’m here.

I don’t spent much time with them or take our children over. I have made my stance to reduce contract because they aren’t for me in big doses. Im the black sheep and always have been and I’m ok with that.

If I go back on the chat I will respond with a vomit emoji because I think it’s disgusting.

Well you do* *find it offensive, so maybe if you do express that then your example might help her to find her voice and help to shut the crass shitbags up. Everyone could do with the crass shitbags shutting up.

Perhaps but she declares her undying love every other week on social media for him and says they are together forever so I think she is far too dependent on him to say anything. I think he’s a bit narcissistic personally and she has never worked a day in her life or wanted to work and has no interest in ever going to work. I can’t see anything happening. All I’m doing is major myself more of a black sheep. Which is fine I suppose as I don’t have much in common.

*making

Why Dosen’t your husband say something to him?

I completely understand where you’re coming from, and the truth is, you can only help someone if they want to be helped.

However, I think the point that many posters, including me are trying to make, is that you don’t know whether she does or doesn’t until you try.

You’ve already said this woman suffers from anxiety and is quite timid, so from her perspective, she’s maybe thinking that everyone finds this funny, so she can’t say anything, and maybe just pushes her own feelings down to save rocking the boat.

Of course, it could be that she genuinely doesn’t mind (which is concerning in and of itself), but there’s nothing much you can do about that.

I would definitely go in and comment with something along the lines of “I hope nobody ever speaks to your daughters like that.”

At the end of the day, you’re already the black sheep, and having less contact with this family is hardly a loss, so it’s better to speak up and perhaps give this woman some support and courage to stop accepting this level of disrespect, rather than just stay quiet and allow them to think everyone is going to put up with it.

I would also be having a serious conversation with your husband about this. I know you said he’s autistic and doesn’t get it, but that’s really not an excuse. He needs to be made aware of the fact that these things are not acceptable to you, and why they’re not acceptable.

If he doesn’t understand the tone of such things, how will he understand when someone decides to speak to or about his daughters in the same way?

I wouldn’t take the loved up posts for social media to mean much.

People that are genuinely happy and secure in their relationship don’t need to do this, and in many cases, the couples that are always posting how amazing their relationship is, are anything but happy.

She probably is very dependent on him, and there’s a good chance she feels trapped in her relationship. You said they got together very young and she’s dependent on him for money.

The Facebook posts are probably her way of convincing herself and others that she’s happy with her choice.

I doubt she is.

Unless she stops the idea that she can’t work then I don’t know how she will get out financially. She has started at places then within days apparently they talking about her, people don’t like her so she leaves. It’s silly. She will be dependent if she keeps herself in the mindset that she needs him.

You say your DH wouldn't understand why this could be hurtful or harmful due to his autism. You have daughters. Whether he has autism or not, you have a responsibility to them to speak to him about why this could be hurtful or harmful to people so that he can understand it in principle even if he doesn't empathise or can't put himself in the shoes of the person on the receiving end. Because your girls may one day confide in him about dickhead partners of their own and need his support.

vile 🤢 what a creep

@whatsitcalledwhen yes I can and do speak to him about.

OP whether your SIL knows it or not she is in an abusive relationship: started young, enmeshed, doesn’t work, financially dependent, timid, isolated, low self esteem, children to worry about. She may not recognize that she has options—she may not have many options. But this is abusive.

You lrft the chat and it sounds like you have made your disgust known. If you see SIL in person you could offer her some support for leaving.

She may never leave, or take years to do it. But all you can do is draw a bright line for her benefit and that of your nieces.

They all find it amusing, you don't, nor would I. I'd just leave the group and if they ask why tell them you don't find the comments funny and you've no wish to be subjected to his childish immature nonsense.

"she needs to find her voice"

Why don't you practice what you preach?

You don't like it and yet you seem unable to find your voice, despite having an awareness of the factors that might be preventing her from speaking up.

@moderate I have found my voice and they don’t do it to me as they know I don’t like it. I don’t feel I can speak for others if the other person is not saying they don’t like it.

Have you thought about messaging her privately when he does it and asking if she is alright and that it feels like he is trying to embarrass and humiliate her as an outsider. Would she like you to step in and say something? It is abuse, it's disgusting and I genuinely cannot believe he says such vile things in a chat with his own parents. Wtf is wrong with him. I understand why you don't want to be party to it but at the same time if you know it is happening you do have some sort of duty to reach out to her I feel.

@Turniptracker Ive reached out so many times. Offered to go on play dates with the children. Offered other days out, she always turns it down. She sits at home and waits for his return from work basically. I start chats about going on days out etc but she rejects it all. I’ve said I’ll come and get the children so at least they can play with mine but she won’t let them out of her sight. She is too shy she says.

But you also don't like them doing it to her, yet you remain silent on the matter.

Plus, this goes beyond individuals. Although if you want some specific local harm, consider the girls from both families and the example being set.

As I said earlier, courage calls to courage.

And if she says actually I don’t have a problem and it’s nothing to do with you so don’t talk about my husband….

"if"