BIL making disgusting jokes about his wife via group family chat.

[Satonthesofa11]

Would you put up with that?

It’s really disgusting the kind of jokes he says about his wife on the family chat. Things about anal and easy access. The parents are on this chat. Is this type of thing normal?

MAKING BELITTLING DEHUMANISING JOKES ABOUT HER IN FRONT OF HER IN LAWS IS ABUSIVE.

(in caps to make sure it sinks in OP - you are really minimising this)

I think you are fairly immature and lacking in confidence @Satonthesofa11 if you are allowing yourself to be used as an audience to another woman’s degradation. Explain what you don’t like about it to your husband. Tell him that you aren’t going to sit by while a family member is treated like this. Then address it directly whenever it happens.

I've only read OP's posts and a few others.
No, it's not normal. It's disgusting. I could not be any part of it.
The whole family sound awful TBH, and OP is just going along with it and making excuses (her DH having autism is not a reason for him not understanding how inappropriate this is, being ignorant is a reason though).

Couldn't have put it better myself.

God, I can't stand men like him. What a pathetic fuckwit.

Not my type of humour but there you go. It perhaps says more about the type of family you have married into.
Making jokes about anal with his wife on a family chat group says a lot

I have removed the app. I feel alienated as it is from the family as I don’t get their humour and I don’t have similar likes etc or have much to talk about. We don’t really meet with the brother or spend time with them, they very much keep themselves to themselves.

Disgusting and disrespectful. I would say something.

I wasn’t sure if because I’ve been through abuse I was being too sensitive. I really dislike women being made into sex objects and not feeling like they have a voice. But that’s only because I’ve suffered that personally.

I do think the brother has disgusting views of women and is very immature. He would not be my choice for a partner but she is always posting about how much she loves him and they forever etc etc.

Our the parents his or hers? I think even if others are okay with it that could be the abusive atmosphere they perpetuate or that nobody knows how to call him out.
I'd be saying x I think this is really inappropriate and disrespectful to all women I don't wish to read soft porn or your fantasies please keep your comments off of this WhatsApp group it's supposed to be to keep us all updated.

Is this type of thing normal?

It's normal in some families. I've known one or two.

You can push back against it if you want, but it won't make you popular. Whatever you say, neither BIL nor his parents are going to have an epiphany ("OMG, I never realised, I'm so sorry SIL, and OP, please help me grow and become a less crass person"). "Only having a laugh, lighten up a bit eh?" is a much more likely reaction, with the word "woke" probably being muttered too.

You could maybe have a word with SIL to try and find out how she feels about it. Maybe she loves BIL and is OK to just ignore the crassness, and would prefer not to have a fuss made. But unless SIL says "Actually it would be really good if you could tell BIL to fuck off", don't feel bad if you contribute nothing but silence on the WhatsApp when this type of shit happens, because it won't change a thing.

We have been invited to a friend's party. A very small group of us offered to contribute to the food if she wanted. A couple of weeks ago she sent a list of the things she'd like us to contribute. I put myself down for crisps and nuts, then after some consideration asked how many I was buying for. The reply was she hadn't got all the responses but about 100 people. Am I being unreasonable thinking that it is unfair to ask us to contribute enough food for that amount of people?

@samarrange thats exactly the response I will receive because I’m the black sheep in this situation I feel.

I think you don't get to police how other communicate.

I have been with DH since my teens, over half my life and going strong as ever and as such we have a sense of humor about each other without getting offended over every little thing.

We are very much of the 'northern' attitude where we can call each other a cunt among a million other more creative 'insults' as terms of endearment etc...

Apparently this does 'translate' to some people but hey its not their relationship. Them getting 'offended' on our behalf because they aren't comfortable enough to have a laugh in their own relationship won't change anything it just makes them look like they have a stick firmly up their ass. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean the 'little woman' needs saving from the 'big bad man'.

@housethatbuiltme its not a two way thing on the chat. Me and my partner say all sorts of things in private which probably wouldn’t be acceptable on a family chat. But would you talk about getting easy access trousers for your wife to your parents so you could get anal whenever you wanted…ewww
no.

You are definitely not being too sensitive. He sounds revolting. You keep saying he's just immature but I feel like this somehow excuses his behaviour. It's disgusting and misogynistic and demeaning.

You’ll need to start your own thread for this, it’ll get lost in here.

🤮

I wonder if it’s something to do with the power imbalance. I could be projecting my own experience. She has never worked and relys on him financially and to drive her around etc so she accepts this behaviour. I do really doubt she likes to be talked about, don’t think anyone would.

I would hope that the parents are just embarrassed and pretend to find it funny. I would call it out and then leave the chat

Another day, another slew of posts about shitty men being, well, generally just shitty, misogynistic and bullying towards women.

The older I get, the more I dream of a female-only utopia!

But that's resolved nothing. You've still not stood up to this horrible behaviour. Nothing had changed. You might as well have stayed in the chat if your intention was to let this person belittle another unchallenged.

If you're not going to say anything, at least leave the group.

I doubt everyone else finds it funny, it's the mob mentality in action. Why does he even have to communicate with her via this message board - don't they live in the same house? He's displaying all his contempt for her for you all to see.

I'd post sometnext time - maybe just one word like 'revolting' and leave the group.