BIL making disgusting jokes about his wife via group family chat.

[Satonthesofa11]

Would you put up with that?

It’s really disgusting the kind of jokes he says about his wife on the family chat. Things about anal and easy access. The parents are on this chat. Is this type of thing normal?

It's weird and what's weirder is a grown woman like you enabling it. Seeing abuse and not calling it out. Because.... this is very very toxic behaviour.

And I'm sorry to be harsh but you are not protecting your daughters because you aren't saying anything. This toxic behaviour seeps through the generations. If you do not say anything you allow for this crap to be carried on in the family system.

How can I call it out when they all get on so well. No one seems offended but me. They all go away together multiple times a year.

Not for you to comment or call out. Clearly this is their family culture.

You've married into a weird bunch. I'd minimise contact and stay out of it.

Commenting will only start a fight you cannot win.

I do tell my other half I don’t think it’s right. He doesn’t do it or speak to me like it or about me in front of them like that. She also needs to speak if she doesn’t like it. I can’t tell her what to do or about her children, surely she needs to protect them.

@wevegotthepower I don’t join in with any of it and they see my face when it happens in person.

People voiced their opinions about my abusive ex and it pushed me more towards him as it was a them against us dynamic that happened.

Does he call his brother out, though? If not, he’s just as bad.

I get why you feel uncomfortable saying something when it’s not your family and they all seem to find it amusing, but I would have serious concerns about sharing children with a man who didn’t stand up for women when witnessing his scummy brother behaving like this.

I think they are just so used to him now @PablosTescoBar. They all just say oh that’s “Steven” just being Steven lol. It’s not like he will stop or change his views.

How depressing that this vile pig has daughters. Girls need to be raised by supportive dads who champion women. They also need mums who role model strength and not meekly putting up with sexist male bullshit.

What a fucked up family dynamic you’ve married into op. Shame your DH is conveniently turning a blind eye and not supporting you in your justifiable frustration. He should be calling it out for the sake of his nieces if nothing else.

What you are doing is called enabling. It matters very little if his family find him funny (maybe they don't, maybe they don't know any better)

We call people out (and it doesn't have to be a dramatic announcement- despite this behaviour warranting one) because we are trying to break cycles of abuse/ misogyny/ mistreatment/ trauma permeating the future generations.

You are joining in because you are not standing up for women.

@Newyearnewusername2024 I understand but she is joining in. They know I don’t share the same opinions as I’ve expressed it in the film choices they watch. I don’t find them funny. I don’t join in on the chats about the films or any of the chats really. I think she is conditioned to be like them as they met extremely young and have grown up with them. I’ve come along a lot later.

I think you are missing the point, perhaps because it's too painful.

You don't do it for them. You do it because it's the right thing to do and it is very likely to help benefit this toxic family system, and all who encounter them, in the long run.

Op has made around 35 posts and has no intention of taking any action about these comments whatsoever.

@Wheresthescissors actually I said previously that’s I’ve removed myself from the app.

I don’t see how me making a comment to these family members will have any effect on them as a family as they all have the same view.

Oh well, that’s fine then - just back to business as usual 🙄.

No, you probably won’t change their minds, but it might be the first time someone has ever stood up to their shit.

What’s the worst that can happen? They never speak to you again? Hardly a loss for you and your daughters, is it?

You said this woman is timid, so did you ever think that she would just love someone to stand up to him on her behalf? Yeah, she should also be speaking up, but sometimes it’s not that easy.

The little weasel needs to be shamed into at least keeping his foul mouth shut, or at least made aware he’s not actually viewed as the hilarious comedian he imagines himself to be.

But, no - just you sit back and basically tell everyone through your silence (including your husband), that it’s acceptable to speak to women like that.

I honestly couldn’t be with a man who just stood there and let his brother speak to a woman like that (whether she laughed along or not).

I’m sure he’s a “lovely guy” though 🙄.

@op

"I’ve got girls and I hope one day that never happens to them. I will not be raising them to be spoken to like that definitely."

But you don't address this with your husband? You let it " go over his head"?

Why are you not drawing his attention to how unacceptable it is? How will he know what's acceptable or not with his girls if he doesn't understand these kind of comments are foul?

@Satonthesofa11

If anyone you’d think the mum might say that’s enough but nope. Me being on the outside of the family would make no difference

mothers never critize their adult sons only their daughters

Yuk. I'd leave the group and leave your DH revolting family to it 🤮

"Sorry everyone, this kind of talk makes me very uncomfortable so I will just leave the group. Love to all"

And you leave without waiting for any reply.

The best way to make a point without challenging. You just set a boundary and remove yourself for the situation. No one can force you to stay in a place where they are making you feel uncomfortable.

And they could easily say that you have the same view because you just nod along.

Courage calls to courage. Be the one to say what everyone is thinking.

Agree

I'm sure lots of people in history have used the exact same reasoning/excuse to do nothing and let verbal and physical abuse continue .....it is abuse even if she appears to accept it

@jannier but is it abuse if she doesn’t care and it doesn’t effect her and it’s just terrible banter?