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Original poster

He finally told me why he hasn't been able to tell me he loves me...

259 replies

Tearroller · 06/03/2024 22:59

My ex husband of 1 year came over tonight to talk about us potentially getting back together after we recently went on a few dates to see if we could revive our marriage. His request. I was saddened to end my marriage but needed so much more from him: love, sex, affection and commitment- all of which were missing. We have continued to get along and raise our children pretty well as a coparenting team. So, I was open to the discussion.

By the end of the conversation, I just feel so upset. First we both discussed our core values which are quite different in some ways, so we acknowledged that there could be some issues there. I talked about the things I needed from our marriage- all the things that were missing- him telling me he loves me, physical touch etc.

He managed explain for the first time (thankfully but upsettingly) that the reason he has felt unable to love me or be affectionate with me in recent years is because of these values. One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts. He told me that he finds this unattractive and that because I am so open and expressive and will speak up about things I feel are wrong it has caused him to feel less attracted to me and unable to tell me he loves me. This value is such a big part of me that him basically implying that he sees this characteristic as ugly has really hurt my feelings. Although I am glad he has told me.

What do you make of this?
My head is spinning.
I feel like he has never really loved me for me if this is how he feels.
Will any man ever value this characteristic in a future relationship?

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 07/03/2024 00:07

5128gap · 06/03/2024 23:05

I think he's manipulating you. He knows you want him to find you attractive and act on it, so is using that as a bargaining tool to bring you into line. Not liking you expressing yourself is another way of saying he doesn't like you saying things he doesn't want to hear. Rather than listen and either disagree or take on board your opinions he finds it more comfortable to silence you, and is using the threat of not being attracted to you to do that. There is no point in being in a relationship that requires you to compromise a huge part of who you are to please the person. The cost is too high and the reward too low.

Totally agree. If he tells you he finds this quality unattractive it’s a way of manipulating you into silence. He is an ex for a reason. You’d be mad to go back to him!!!!

WestendGrrls · 07/03/2024 00:12

It doesn't sound like you are compatible. Be glad you are coparenting well together and find someone who shares your values and isn't embarrassed or turned off by your opinions.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 07/03/2024 00:20

Why would you entertain the possibility of getting back together?

He does like you as a person. He told you that .

Anotherparkingthread · 07/03/2024 00:22

He literally came over to gaslight you into being less yourself, to make his life more comfortable and easy.

He's pathetic.

Escapingafter50years · 07/03/2024 00:24

Ugh. He's blaming you for being you.
If you weren't you he'd love you. Fuck that.
Do not change for him. He has not been able to accept you as you are. He can't show love, only manipulative tactics.
Run.

pizzaHeart · 07/03/2024 00:36

One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts.
Can you elaborate a bit? It sounds too vague and a bit too formal. What exactly you did to express yourself/ your feelings/ your thoughts? And what sort of freedom we are talking about?

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/03/2024 01:09

Shut up you stupid woman who says things I dont want to hear. Get back in your box and be meek and lovely and sweet.....oh and do your hair and make up before I get in from work....

FUCK THAT!!!

Tell him to do one. Very VERY lucky escape there. He cant say he loves you because he doesnt I am sorry to say. He loves the woman he wants you to be. Is his mother a "yes dear" woman by any chance?

FWIW, my partner, who is not perfect and actually I am having a few issues with at the moment, is very proud of the fact that I am just like you. I can well imagine me saying something like the PP to "coat hanger" man (urgh, that made me shudder) and DP would be anything but embarrassed, he would tell people about it in a very proud way!

oakleaffy · 07/03/2024 02:08

Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2024 23:09

I'm curious as to how you "express yourself", because doing so isn't always productive or approachable. As the saying goes, there's two sides to every story.

Do you scream in the Sistine Chapel, @Tearroller when overcome with Great Art?

If not, he's being unreasonable.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3178898-DH-embarrassed-by-my-sensitivity

therealcookiemonster · 07/03/2024 02:19

poor diddums

tell him to fuck off and get a blow up doll if he wants a woman who doesn't express her opinions

Snoozymoozy · 07/03/2024 02:22

So basically if you get back in your box and keep your mouth shut, then you might just be worthy of his attention.
What a prick. Tell him to get fucked.

BelindaOkra · 07/03/2024 02:27

oakleaffy · 07/03/2024 02:08

Do you scream in the Sistine Chapel, @Tearroller when overcome with Great Art?

If not, he's being unreasonable.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3178898-DH-embarrassed-by-my-sensitivity

Edited
Show quote history

Oh my god - that’s a classic surely. Hilarious.

Depends OP. I’m pretty clear in my opinions & wouldn’t like to feel shut up by someone else, but I I’ve also come across plenty of ‘I’ll say what I see’ types who would pick a fight in an empty room. If he’s being controlling and expecting a meek wife I’m with you, but if you’re a bit loud and aggressive in sharing your opinions (even when no-one is interested) I’m with him!

Either way it sounds as if there’s an unresolvable problem at the core. I’m sorry.

oakleaffy · 07/03/2024 02:33

BelindaOkra · 07/03/2024 02:27

Oh my god - that’s a classic surely. Hilarious.

Depends OP. I’m pretty clear in my opinions & wouldn’t like to feel shut up by someone else, but I I’ve also come across plenty of ‘I’ll say what I see’ types who would pick a fight in an empty room. If he’s being controlling and expecting a meek wife I’m with you, but if you’re a bit loud and aggressive in sharing your opinions (even when no-one is interested) I’m with him!

Either way it sounds as if there’s an unresolvable problem at the core. I’m sorry.

Show quote history

@Tearroller Definitely reminded me of the Sistine Chappell {sic} screamer.

I had to resurrect it and was laughing all over again. 😂

''I get very moved by certain types of art and music, so much so that I occasionally cry. Last year we went to the Louvre and I ended up silently weeping at a number of art works. When we got out of the gallery DH admitted that he finds it all a bit over the top and unnecessary - as if I do it on purpose!
^^
Anyway we've just got back from Rome. I became a little overwhelmed in the coliseum when I thought about the violence and death that had taken place there. DH said I was the only one in the entire place crying and he was fed up with it. I explained that I don't do it on purpose, it just gets to me.
^^

We went to the Sistine Chappell the day after and I ended up screaming at the MichaelAngelo. A number of tourists tried to console me but DH just walked off muttering "for fucks sake". I felt so stupid. When we got out DH had a massive rant at me about how I spoil everything for him and he often wishes he was with someone normal who could visit places without making a scene. He also declared that he no longer enjoys travelling with me. I'm gutted because travel is the main thing we do together. AIBU to think I can't change who I am or should I??''

Sandanista · 07/03/2024 02:34

What a pile of crap

Alwaystransforming · 07/03/2024 02:39

There could be 2 sides to this.

On one hand he could be trying to manipulate you into being silent. Telling you to essentially pipe down. Lots of men do this.

But on the other hand, I know people who 'like/need to express themselves an their feelings'. And sometimes it goes into quite toxic behaviour. They believe they have right to not only have an opinion, but to force other to listen. They have the right to express themselves whenever, wherever they want withiut consideration of tbe other person. One person I know is a family member who tried to make my mums funeral all about her own feelings about my mums death. It's mean her being incredibly horrible to my dad because 2 years after my mums death, he got a girlfriend and she doesn't approve. I have cut off the family member.

I have an ex and I loved that he was very communicative. I really loved it, most of the time. However, he couldn't accept that i nneded to sometimes need to decompress. I couldn't always have the deep and meaningful conversation when he wanted. Turns out I am ND, which I didn't know at the time. But the more he pushed to have these conversations and have them often, the more I needed time to decompress. Which meant he had even more to express, which meant I need more time and it became very miserable for both of us.

Ultimately, though, you aren't compatible. It's doesn't men's he never loved you for you. People change. Something they previously liked about someone can becomes a reason they no longer like them. Sometimes something can attracted you to someone but long term, its not compatible with you.

Alwaystransforming · 07/03/2024 02:42

oakleaffy · 07/03/2024 02:33

@Tearroller Definitely reminded me of the Sistine Chappell {sic} screamer.

I had to resurrect it and was laughing all over again. 😂

''I get very moved by certain types of art and music, so much so that I occasionally cry. Last year we went to the Louvre and I ended up silently weeping at a number of art works. When we got out of the gallery DH admitted that he finds it all a bit over the top and unnecessary - as if I do it on purpose!
^^
Anyway we've just got back from Rome. I became a little overwhelmed in the coliseum when I thought about the violence and death that had taken place there. DH said I was the only one in the entire place crying and he was fed up with it. I explained that I don't do it on purpose, it just gets to me.
^^

We went to the Sistine Chappell the day after and I ended up screaming at the MichaelAngelo. A number of tourists tried to console me but DH just walked off muttering "for fucks sake". I felt so stupid. When we got out DH had a massive rant at me about how I spoil everything for him and he often wishes he was with someone normal who could visit places without making a scene. He also declared that he no longer enjoys travelling with me. I'm gutted because travel is the main thing we do together. AIBU to think I can't change who I am or should I??''

Show quote history

I did think of the listing chapel thread reading the Op. It's an extreme example.

But it really does depend on what exactly 'One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts' means.

Not just to Op. But to him and others, Op may think it's entirely reasonable times she expresses herself. Other people who know her may not.

Guavafish1 · 07/03/2024 02:47

Don't let him make you feel insecure. He is trying to shut you down.

CurlewKate · 07/03/2024 03:37

So either you shoot your mouth off hurtfully or inappropriately OR he wants a partner who keeps quiet and nods and smiles. Honestly? Only you know which it is. How do other people react to you?

TheSandgroper · 07/03/2024 03:49

He wants sex, basically, and is telling you what you need to do for him to get it.

It’s best that he’s an ex.

thebestinterest · 07/03/2024 03:51

Keep him the in the bin. Move on. That value is one of the most beautiful, important values. How dare he.

OrangeCrusher · 07/03/2024 03:55

oakleaffy · 07/03/2024 02:08

Do you scream in the Sistine Chapel, @Tearroller when overcome with Great Art?

If not, he's being unreasonable.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3178898-DH-embarrassed-by-my-sensitivity

Edited
Show quote history

I think about that thread an unreasonable amount. 😂 It freaked me out as I’m prone to being a bit tearful at times, especially cathedrals for some reason. I’m now actually a bit scared to go anywhere near Italy.

Anyway, OP unless you’re threatening to thump people who disagree with you then don’t even think about changing for a man. No good can come from it.

ZebraD · 07/03/2024 03:57

Ask him why he wants to get back with you if he finds you unattractive?
and do don’t beat yourself up about it…there is someone out there who will def find you attractive.

Collywobblewobbles · 07/03/2024 03:57

I'm sorry, he stopped loving you because you express your feelings??

What are you supposed to do with them? Hide them in the attic?

Lay them at his feet for him to walk over?

He can do one.

Totally agree with the person who said he's manipulating you. And, boy, can you do better!

WandaWonder · 07/03/2024 04:08

ouch321 · 06/03/2024 23:56

Really depends on what it is you insist on expressing so freely.

For example, "Your friend Mike has too much of a beer belly. I can't stand seeing it so I don't want you to invite him over any more."

Then I'm on his side.

"I prefer Hawaiian to pepperoni"

Then I'm with you.

So your post is too vague to say who is right.

This sums it up for me

DreamTheMoors · 07/03/2024 04:11

My ex, pre-marriage, told me how amazing I was and how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have found me.
After we married, he spent the majority of my time telling me I was wrong and how stupid this or that comment was and how immature I was.
It took me 18 months and losing 30 pounds (2+ stone) down to skin & bones to leave.
I don’t regret it.
Don’t ever think that words don’t matter.

DodgeDoggie · 07/03/2024 04:12

Could be one of two things …

a - he wants a submissive partner who he can manipulate

b - you’re getting into fights about the smallest thing with every Tom dick or Harry, all your family and friends and he finds it overwhelming.