He finally told me why he hasn't been able to tell me he loves me...

[Tearroller]

My ex husband of 1 year came over tonight to talk about us potentially getting back together after we recently went on a few dates to see if we could revive our marriage. His request. I was saddened to end my marriage but needed so much more from him: love, sex, affection and commitment- all of which were missing. We have continued to get along and raise our children pretty well as a coparenting team. So, I was open to the discussion.

By the end of the conversation, I just feel so upset. First we both discussed our core values which are quite different in some ways, so we acknowledged that there could be some issues there. I talked about the things I needed from our marriage- all the things that were missing- him telling me he loves me, physical touch etc.

He managed explain for the first time (thankfully but upsettingly) that the reason he has felt unable to love me or be affectionate with me in recent years is because of these values. One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts. He told me that he finds this unattractive and that because I am so open and expressive and will speak up about things I feel are wrong it has caused him to feel less attracted to me and unable to tell me he loves me. This value is such a big part of me that him basically implying that he sees this characteristic as ugly has really hurt my feelings. Although I am glad he has told me.

What do you make of this?
My head is spinning.
I feel like he has never really loved me for me if this is how he feels.
Will any man ever value this characteristic in a future relationship?

My take:

He has taken a year away from you to realise that 99.9% of women are in touch with their feelings and emotions. He thought he could find a mythical woman who would screw him on a long term basis but not want any emotional attachment. Couldn’t find her because she rarely exists. Now he’s given up and has come back to see if it’s an option to have you back but for you to suppress your feelings and emotions and change who you are to be with him. The answer is NO!

Apologies if posted already, but your situation OP is a Harry Enfield skit

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w&pp=ygUfaGFycnkgZW5maWVsZCBrbm93IHlvdXIgbGltaXRzIA%3D%3D

I suppose it all depends. Standing up for your principles is a good thing. I respect those who do. However, I have also known people over the years who become consumed/passionate by various issues. Every conversation or interaction is dominated by someone's political interests and passions it can get pretty exhausting. Or become very insistent on challenging other people whenever and on any occasion because they feel they have to 'tell it like it is.' Challenging other people's bullshit can be the appropriate thing to do at times too depending on the circumstances. I mean it got to the stage where you argued with his family - reasonable possibly or possibly not.

Only you know the balance and whether it was reasonable or not. Some of your update sounds like he would not even complain in circumstances where it might have been appropriate. But you also said that you have more conflict around you than others. Can see how that's draining too.

This one is not for you and more importantly, you are not for him.
It is good that you can co-parent well. Celebrate that.

Going forward - be careful in your relations with him. He is clearly attempting to manipulate you. He seems to have a hold on what will make you feel bad too. Do not always believe what he says. Protect yourself.

I don't think you ever love someone 'because'.

Saying you don't love someone 'because' - is just not loving them.

You love them or don't.

It is perfectly possible (even usual) to dislike (or even hate) something about someone you love.

This guy is preternaturally boring. You were listening to this bull for how long?
Now you know why he is an ex.

@5128gap has nailed it. He sounds bloody awful, steer well clear of a reunion

Good Advice.
From your comments on fairness OP and the work/volunteering you do, it sounds like you have confidence in and know yourself pretty well OP. That's hard earned. Don't let someone derail you and doubt yourself.

Exactly!

Your core values? This is work speak now how you talk to your husband. 🤢

Oh for goodness sake! Of course people have core values outside of work! People have ethics, morals, goals, pleasures, joys, etc….If you can’t express them joyfully within your intimate relationships where can you express them?

That sounds very weird, does he want you to be seen but not heard? Don’t get back together, you don’t sound compatible

I have core values. Doesn't everyone?

I admire you for standing up for yourself and those around you. Without people like you women still wouldn’t even have the vote. We need more people like you, who can say what needs to be said without getting stressed about it.

I can only do it when I have to these days because I find it too stressful. I do comment a lot on here about the gradual and planned removal of the NHS and the social safety net and the many suicides it has caused. No-one seems to care🙄. People’s apathy is ruining this country. Your ex and his family are pathetic.

Perhaps they just think she's a bore?
Depends on just how much she pushes these aspects. A lot of people want to spend time watching telly, reading, doing hobbies and generally just enjoying life. If she's always fighting injustices and being outspoken it can be a bit full on.

Tell him to fuck off as you need to find someone who loves you for being you, someone who admires you for standing up for yourself and others.

It’s great to want to be a better person, but that doesn’t mean changing your core values or beliefs to make someone else happy.

You sound totally incompatible so your split is probably for the best. While many posters say men don't like opinionated women, I should add I am a woman and don't particularly like people (men or women) who constantly feel the need to express themselves. I like people who have views, opinions and are capable of critical analysis, I don't respect sheep, but the time and place for expressing those views is very relevant. I would not be friends or in a relationship with a person who has an argument with a stranger in a pub or who spends time arguing online. This does not mean I'm weak or conditioned to please men, or without my own opinions. I just find people like that extremely unattractive to be around.

Lucky escape, OP! Find someone who values you, the real you, and doesn't seek to change you.

He sounds vile.

So he can't take any criticism?

Bah!

Next!

He only finds you attractive when you adore him, flaws and all. No one is perfect.

Watch Jimmy on Relationships and ask your DH to watch it too

I think he's making excuses for sure and blaming you for his failures. He either has a secret woman or he is gay.

I forgot to add that during the discussion, I explained to him why I don't think he wants a relationship at all, but a housemate come housewife who will do as he pleases (which he obviously denied). I already had a list prepared of what makes a healthy, intimate relationship and explained how he doesn't seem to want a lot of what is on that list. It was clear that his ego was knocked and he became uncomfortable. It was obvious by the end that trying again isn't really an option. In a weird way, it's the most productive conversation I've ever had with him.

I would like a relationship again, but not with a man who can't value me as a person and still love me with my flaws and who doesn't want even the bare bones of a healthy, intimate relationship. I think I posted this last night when I was just getting my head around what he has said. I already knew at that point that I was done. But if I'm honest, deep down I always knew he didn't like me anyway. It started 7 years ago after the birth of our second born when I began asserting my needs a bit more. As odd as it sounds, I felt the love for me fall away from him back then. He hasn't said he loves me in years.

So walk away and enjoy life.
Best wishes OP.

He's said he doesn't love because of who you are, your values etc.
There's nothing more to be said really.
You changing, even if you could or thought it was desirable to do so, is not going to make him love you. He's said loud and clear what he thinks, so time to just draw a line under the relationship and move on.
And yes, he's an arsehole who is trying to make you toe the line.
But he doesn't respect you, and won't respect you even if you do what he says.

This is fantastic news, Tearoller.
Realisation!
Get shot of him and have a bloody brilliant rest-of-your-life with your DCs.
Best wishes to a fabulous woman.
Mel 🍰🌻

You didn't just stand up for yourself love, you stood up for all of us. Thank you and well done 👑

And OP - this guy doesn't deserve you. Kick him to the curb and get on with your life 💪