He finally told me why he hasn't been able to tell me he loves me...

[Tearroller]

My ex husband of 1 year came over tonight to talk about us potentially getting back together after we recently went on a few dates to see if we could revive our marriage. His request. I was saddened to end my marriage but needed so much more from him: love, sex, affection and commitment- all of which were missing. We have continued to get along and raise our children pretty well as a coparenting team. So, I was open to the discussion.

By the end of the conversation, I just feel so upset. First we both discussed our core values which are quite different in some ways, so we acknowledged that there could be some issues there. I talked about the things I needed from our marriage- all the things that were missing- him telling me he loves me, physical touch etc.

He managed explain for the first time (thankfully but upsettingly) that the reason he has felt unable to love me or be affectionate with me in recent years is because of these values. One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts. He told me that he finds this unattractive and that because I am so open and expressive and will speak up about things I feel are wrong it has caused him to feel less attracted to me and unable to tell me he loves me. This value is such a big part of me that him basically implying that he sees this characteristic as ugly has really hurt my feelings. Although I am glad he has told me.

What do you make of this?
My head is spinning.
I feel like he has never really loved me for me if this is how he feels.
Will any man ever value this characteristic in a future relationship?

Ah OP, if only you were a completely different person - then he'd be able to love you. You're not though so obviously he needs to stay an ex.

Sometimes you need to get out of the wood to see the trees.

I don’t know about you but I would find it very difficult to have sex with someone who is constantly critical and OTT. I would call that self respect.

The OP has been totally silent about what kind of things he doesn’t like her to express, looking at the OPs first post, where she goes in great detail about his horrible behaviour but leaves all her own behaviour out of the post, I would say that he came back because as they are doing such good work at parenting the children he wanted to give it another go, but he is probably now at home wondering why he tried.

Oh my goodness. Yes definitely another man will value this characteristic - because they value You. He sounds pretty awful, withholding affection because you speak up and speak your mind is terrible behaviour. I’m sure you aren’t rude to people, there is sometimes a time and place for letting people know what is right and wrong - but so long as you act with empathy and care it’s perfectly reasonable to take your place in the world. Does he have a poor attitude to women asserting themselves generally?

This. You haven't given enough information to make a call here.

I mean racist, sexist bigots probably say they're just "having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts".

What are you actually saying that upsets him?
Because I'm all for being "open and expressive" but only if there is respect and sensitivity there as well.

Maybe he does want a meek little woman.
Or maybe you're a foul mouthed bigot.
I don't know.

You split up for a reason.

If this is how he proposes to “win” you back then I hope he doesn’t work in sales or for the diplomatic corps.

Pffft it sounds like bullshit because it IS bullshit.

100% manipulation. He is trying to bring you down a peg or two he’s knocking your confidence .
If you got back together he would have the upper hand and be in control and I think this is where your problem stems .
You are a strong women with your own views and thoughts and he can’t handle it.

He has low self esteem and doesn’t come to you sexually as he is intimidated .

This is a hill problem not a you problem .
Tiek to move on OP say thanks but no thanks .

You know how it would go, don't you?:-

'I'll come back and be affectionate as long as you don't question me.'

A month later:

'Uh - where's that affection you promised?'

'DON'T QUESTION ME!'

There aren't two sides to every argument by the way. As Superman said " there is a right and a wrong in the universe and its not difficult to see which is correct."

Of course there could be two two sides to an argument.

I know of people who liked to "express" themselves with racist, homophobic or misogynist views (these werent friends, they were people I encountered at a toxic work environment several years ago). Would you still argue they were right to do this under the guise of "self expression" no matter how hateful the view?

I am not suggesting for a moment OP is doing this btw, but there are always two sides to any story and Op has not elaborated in any meaningful sense on what these views actually are for us to know what her self expression actually entails. Therefore, we cannot flat out say she is 100% right. Her self expression could be hateful for all we know. I suspect it isnt, but until she gives us an example how the heck can we judge it?

I think you’ve had a lucky escape. I escaped an ex like this, but only after it got much, much worse. He just wants an obedient submissive woman who never makes him feel that he might have something to address about himself or his behaviour. He’s never going to treat you well. I know it feels awful right now but in time you’ll look back and see that it’s not you.

Frankly, he sounds like a wanker and I suspect this is just a tactic to control you.

But let's give him the benefit of the doubt - long term relationships and marriages are based on mutual respect and similar values. If you don't have that, then you're better off apart anyway.

I am afraid none of us can really answer this question as we don't know how you 'express' yourself.

I have met many people who express themselves too bloody much. They are emotionally unintelligent and quite frankly they say inappropriate things at inappropriate time in inappropriate forums. They justify all of this by saying they are speaking 'their truth.'

Are you one of these people? If so, your ex may have a point.

Or your ex could be a dickhead.

As PP have said, context is everything. ExDH had ‘opinions’ on many topics and it made life extremely unrelaxing. And it was part of the reason I fell out of love, not the opinion but the behaviour. Sometimes he’d deliberately take a contentious -twatty- viewpoint (being catcalled is a compliment) simply to get a rise. But his desire to express these opinions and inability to judge situations was partly down to various MH and related alcohol misuse.

Have strong views on human rights or racism, is very different to feeling the need to let everyone you know think ‘that guy’s a prick because he didn’t indicate in time’, or choosing to piss people off by being a sexist twat just because you’re in the mood for an argument.

All that being said, if anyone told me ‘having opinions’ was intrinsically unattractive, I’d give them no more of my time.

He's still negging you, isn't he, despite the divorce? Can't be nice, has to be critical and on top to keep you down. That's not how someone who really loves you behaves. I think yet again he's shown you who he is and why it was never going to work and I'm sorry and a little bit annoyed with you that you seem to be surprised by it.

Why are you focussing on fairly abstract concepts like core values and not focussing on the fact that this is a man who says he wants to get back together with you — and then tells you he doesn't like you and he wants you to change. Focus on the way he makes you feel bad about yourself. He's clearly not a nice man but he's also an idiot for saying he wants to get back with you and then kicking you. When he's showing you very clearly what a bad partner he'd be for you, recognise it and hold him at arm's length. These dates have to stop and you need to reduce contact to the business of parenting.

Oh, and to answer your final question, yes — there'll be a man out there who loves you for who you are. Go and find him. Stop angsting over your ex and get out there and date other men.

"this is a man who says he wants to get back together with you — and then tells you he doesn't like you and he wants you to change."

This x100

"These dates have to stop and you need to reduce contact to the business of parenting."

This ^ is sound advice.

I think it's BS and personally I wouldn't give it time and energy, especially if EXH.
Live for yourself and enjoy it.

Don't you find it slightly ironic/hypocritical that he shouldn't be allowed to express his own views to op about their relationship?

If I was considering getting back with someone and there were previous issues, I'd be wanting to discuss those issues.

Hi OP. Please update us to provide more detail on what you mean by freedom and ability to express yourself.

These are great buzzwords and on a superficial level I agree with the posters who have said he's a walking red flag and manipulative, and that you shouldn't be pressurised to change your personality.

But if he loves you, and the majority of your personality, but is sick of the drama that comes with you being inappropriate, rude, judgmental and over the top, and as part of the reconciliation is raising this in the hope that you can reignite things if you are able to moderate it, I'm not sure he is being unfair.

But you don't know what her views and opinions are ! She doesn't say ! Different values could be anything - you have assumed like a lot of posters that he is wrong ?

Surely posters need to hear from OP more examples of what she means ?
What values are different ? Too little information here to immediately assume that he is wrong ?
Why are you assuming from this that he likes a woman to be meek with no opinions that contradict his own ? When you don't know what opinions of hers he finds unattractive?
Some values and opinions can be very unattractive! unless we know more we surely can't assume HE is in the wrong.

I mean, she could want the freedom to believe in and express all sorts of conspiracy theories. Until we know more, we can't just assume that he's unjustified.

Absolutely right - we don't have enough info here to know who it is that has the problem.

On the other hand, I think we have enough info to say that this relationship has an extremely low chance of working out, either way.

"First we both discussed our core values which are quite different in some ways, so we acknowledged that there could be some issues there. I talked about the things I needed from our marriage- all the things that were missing- him telling me he loves me, physical touch etc."

Doesn't sound good, and doesn't sound like any of this is going to change.

You are assuming a lot here based on little information OP has given
She doesn't say anything being inappropriate, rude, judgmental and over the top does she ?
Obviously people don't tend to say these things about themselves !!
She says she like freedom to express her thoughts and opinions and their values are different but she doesn't give any examples or go into detail.
You listed a lot of negatives there ? A person can have strong opinions and core values and thoughts that very positive too.
Unless we know what it is he doesn't like about her core values then surely it is best to reserve judgement until she tells more ?

It all seems to be a moot point anyway. OP has a base value/requirement/whatever you want to call it, and the ex isn't prepared to accept it. It's a base level incompatibility.

Indeed. It's better to get it all out in the open and decide if there's any hope without someone compromising themself too much.

How can you say she sounds lovely ?
She does nt tell us what values and opinions it is her ex doesn't like about her
She says she has a value/ belief that is important part of her but she doesn't say what that is - it could be anything !!