He finally told me why he hasn't been able to tell me he loves me...

[Tearroller]

My ex husband of 1 year came over tonight to talk about us potentially getting back together after we recently went on a few dates to see if we could revive our marriage. His request. I was saddened to end my marriage but needed so much more from him: love, sex, affection and commitment- all of which were missing. We have continued to get along and raise our children pretty well as a coparenting team. So, I was open to the discussion.

By the end of the conversation, I just feel so upset. First we both discussed our core values which are quite different in some ways, so we acknowledged that there could be some issues there. I talked about the things I needed from our marriage- all the things that were missing- him telling me he loves me, physical touch etc.

He managed explain for the first time (thankfully but upsettingly) that the reason he has felt unable to love me or be affectionate with me in recent years is because of these values. One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts. He told me that he finds this unattractive and that because I am so open and expressive and will speak up about things I feel are wrong it has caused him to feel less attracted to me and unable to tell me he loves me. This value is such a big part of me that him basically implying that he sees this characteristic as ugly has really hurt my feelings. Although I am glad he has told me.

What do you make of this?
My head is spinning.
I feel like he has never really loved me for me if this is how he feels.
Will any man ever value this characteristic in a future relationship?

So he wants a robot? Yeah but no but. Wave him off into the sunset OP.

you’ve married him and had a child with him though, shouldn’t this stuff have been discussed before all that?

When I read your post my first thought was that he's lying and that's not the real reason....

Gawd, what a catch.

Here's a nice dating profile for him for after you dump him for once and for all:

WLTM a woman who doesn't want to be told she's loved or experience physical affection.

Must keep her opinions to herself and not value freedom.

Must be grateful for whatever pathetic crumbs of attention I throw her and NOT I repeat NOT challenge me or ask for more.

So he wants a woman who sees everything from his point of view and agrees with everything he does. He wants someone to hide in the background and no doubt propell him forward? I can't help but get a sense of self importance and mysogomy from him. Be glad he is an ex

I agree with those who have suggested that he is manipulating you into shutting up.
He sounds a little like my ex who used to describe me as ‘crossing a line’ and being ‘mentally unstable’ whenever I spoke up about any negative feelings about his behaviour.

It does sound a bit controlling, as if he's prepared to 'have you back' on his terms and wants to subdue you. However, could you give an example of 'free, expressive' behaviour he doesn't like?

What a vile man! He wants a quiet, subserviant woman and is grooming you to shut yourself down to meet his needs.

Get rid. Gross!

AKA “no drama” 😂😂😂

I'm not sure I quite understand what you mean by freedom (does he shut you down all the time or are you someone who needs to express every thought?) You're upset at his confirmation to you that you're incompatable but you coparent your DC well together which is a huge positive. Grieve for the end of that relationship in that form, but maybe take some time to confirm and reflect upon what's important to you with any future partner.

love, sex, affection and commitment- all of which were missing.

Also doesn't want to hear your opinions...
I don't see anything there that forms the basis of a marriage. why on earth would you get back together?

“I’ll come back but only if you agree never to voice your own opinion, I don’t like being criticised or disagree with”

Ex you say? Keep it that way xx

I guess it depends on what it is you are expressing? You want to have the freedom to express it but maybe he has doesn’t agree with what you are saying? It could be be this rather than not wanting you to say anything?

Anyway it would seem you are not compatible.

So he might love you if you shut up. Is that correct?

I’m sorry OP but your opening post reminded me a lot of my SIL. Like you, she feels that “communicating” about how she feels or saying what she thinks is an intrinsic part of her personality that she should protect and us respect. But as someone said above, there is time, a place and I will add to that an issue of respect as she is at times absolutely horrid and often ruins the day for the rest, examples of her needs to express:
—Mil got a new necklace she is very happy about: Mum are you going to go out with that??? It looks like a dog collar!

-she is a fussy eater, at a restaurant, she always makes the point to say to someone “I cannot believe you can eat that much/that shit”

-she walks around “communicating” what she thinks of the people just around her: she is too fat, he looks awful, look at the horrible acne of that guy, she has no taste…

If someone tells her that’s not nice, she will say she says what she thinks and the people are too sensitive or correct their ways.

Naturally, if what she was spreading was love and honey with her communication nobody would be complaining but the constant level of nasty comments have caused her so many problems at work, with friendships, her own family and a divorce so that the only real company who has stuck with her is her mother, but even her complains that SIL is unbearable.

So rather than assuming your exhusband is trying 100% trying to exercise control on your freedom of expression, have a frank conversation with yourself as what he may have tried to tell you is that he would like you to be kind and constructive when you express yourself, and if too negative/unnecessary to keep it to yourself… as most people do.

How dare you have opinions and feelings, the very nerve.

Ps. He needs to fuck off back to the Andrew Tate crowd.

speak up about things I feel are wrong

Generally I would say that a man who tries to control what a woman says is a really bad thing, it’s controlling and manipulative.

But it depends what he doesn’t like you saying. If it’s negative or it’s putting people down then maybe he has a point. Or it could be political differences.

For example, you might think it’s wrong that in this country we look after refugees, or that we give benefits to people who are out of work. I would find it very unattractive if a man was to express right wing views. Context is everything really.

Let’s assume that you are right and the Op is actually rude and abrasive .

In that case , why is he trying to get back together with her ?

And why would it stop him being able to hug , kiss and have sex with her while they were married and living together and raising their kids ?

And why had he never thought to mention this to her before during the years of their marriage? I can’t believe that the Op never asked him why he was so distant / unaffectionate / uninterested in sex?

I call bullshit. He’s a manipulative controlling prick and you are well rid of him OP.

One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts. He told me that he finds this unattractive and that because I am so open and expressive and will speak up about things I feel are wrong it has caused him to feel less attracted to me and unable to tell me he loves me.

He wants a wife who will sit down, shut up and take his shit with a big smile, and have no needs of her own. You should be overjoyed that he doesn't think this person is you.

He's phrased it like this to exploit your interest in getting back together and make you feel unattractive and desperate to fix that feeling. It's negging dressed up in a cloak of bullshit.

Pity the poor woman who gets whatever passes for love with him.

Woah! Thank goodness he's an ex. Steer clear and don't take that pos back. He wants an emotionless robot, not a wife.

Yes to this, if she is as some posters suggest a really abrasive person who says offensive things, why is he trying to get back together with her? Surely he should say I can’t love you as I don’t like the things you say and so we are not compatible

Well he’s basically telling you to shut up and do as you’re told isn’t he?

Your openness is fundamentally who you are.

If he doesn't love this, he doesn't love you. That is hurtful and sad, but better accepted now than 20 years down the line. Who the hell wants to have to repress a core value just to try and earn their husband's love?

Let’s assume that you are right and the Op is actually rude and abrasive

In that case , why is he trying to get back together with her ?

Thats a fair point. But OP said "in recent years" so does that mean her abrasiveness (if it is that) has got worse? People do change as they get older.

As for the hugging/kiss/sex thing, when my ex was telling me everything I did was wrong and I should do it his way, the absolute last thing I wanted was to have sex with him because he made me feel rubbish about myself. Why would I then want to sleep with him after that?

I am not saying you're wrong btw, but I can see how constant put downs or criticisms would erode intimacy in a relationship because it happened to me. His personality became a complete turn off.

On the other hand, he could indeed be a horrible controlling narcissist.

The OP really needs to give some examples of what "expressing herself" means as its too vague to really make a judgement either way.

I’ve never been a relationship with someone like this, but I’ll try to answer on the basis of that past friendship.

why is he trying to get back together? Maybe because despite this offputting characteristic he does still love many things about her and also wants to make it work for the sake of the family? My ex friend had many good qualities which is why we were friends for a long time, until several incidents of “free expression” tarnished it too much.

Why would it stop physical affection? Have you ever heard of the ick factor? If someone is behaving in a way that really bothers you it can really put you off them!

Why wasn’t it mentioned before? Maybe it was mentioned, more subtly. From my experience with this friend, any time anyone tried to gently raise the problem with her she would fly into a rage and insist that she was right. After several other friends “broke up” with her over this behaviour I tried to tackle the issue with her and she absolutely would not consider that there might be anything wrong with her behaviour - everyone else was wrong and she was right.

This might all be completely wrong and maybe he is just a terrible asshole. Hard to know without more information.

One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts.

I mean no-one can really comment on whether he's reasonable or not without knowing more.

If he means "you talk too much / wear clothes I don't like", that's not reasonable.

If he means "you exercise your freedom by disappearing for days on end, spending money we don't have, and causing arguments with everyone" then he might have a point.