He finally told me why he hasn't been able to tell me he loves me...

[Tearroller]

My ex husband of 1 year came over tonight to talk about us potentially getting back together after we recently went on a few dates to see if we could revive our marriage. His request. I was saddened to end my marriage but needed so much more from him: love, sex, affection and commitment- all of which were missing. We have continued to get along and raise our children pretty well as a coparenting team. So, I was open to the discussion.

By the end of the conversation, I just feel so upset. First we both discussed our core values which are quite different in some ways, so we acknowledged that there could be some issues there. I talked about the things I needed from our marriage- all the things that were missing- him telling me he loves me, physical touch etc.

He managed explain for the first time (thankfully but upsettingly) that the reason he has felt unable to love me or be affectionate with me in recent years is because of these values. One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts. He told me that he finds this unattractive and that because I am so open and expressive and will speak up about things I feel are wrong it has caused him to feel less attracted to me and unable to tell me he loves me. This value is such a big part of me that him basically implying that he sees this characteristic as ugly has really hurt my feelings. Although I am glad he has told me.

What do you make of this?
My head is spinning.
I feel like he has never really loved me for me if this is how he feels.
Will any man ever value this characteristic in a future relationship?

Stuff him.

If something is important to you then don't let it go. I don't care how opinionated you may or may not be; effectively telling you to shut up is not on.

Bin him and don't let him mess with your head.

Or tell him the same: I love you but not when you do thst thing you love.

Unless you are really strident and overbearing (which your tone does not indicate) there are two possibilities, neither good, one slightly less bad than the other. The first is that he is the kind of spineless person who avoids conflict at all costs and will let things go for an easy life. If you are not, he may blame you for not doing this.
The second is he wants a mindless little wifey who is seen but not heard.
Either way, sounds like he needs to stay ex.

@Atethehalloweenchocs he is a huge number 1. He has no boundaries, never challenges anything and is a bit of a floater, agreeing with whoever gets the most likeability in day to day life. Spineless is probably a good way of describing him. He's hugely conflict avoidant, well generally avoidant really. I often think it's partly the reason I've gone strongly the other way because I've felt I've had to be strong enough for two of us. I haven't felt very protected by him at all over the years.

You're just not compatible

This is MN and there bounds to be a lot of LTB comments.
No one here has a balance view on your marriage because we only hear one side of story.
One thing is certain is your exH has eaten his humble pie and beg for reconciliation. This is not easy for a man like him. It may not ever happen again if you give him a harsh rejection.
I feel that OP is surrounded by people who support your side of view. Sometimes it’s not what you say your opinion but how you say it.
There is no need to make a rush decision. Perhaps try counselling to see if there are major issues that you can both compromise for each other and for the kids.
It was stupid for him to say he doesn’t “love” you when begging for reconciliation. Most b**ds say these words to any women, just to get laid.

He certainly wasn't begging for reconciliation @Minefield231 . The best reason he could give for wanting to get back together was to watch TV together from what I could fathom and to help each other parent. I don't personally need help with that.

I've begged him, literally begged for him to go to counselling so many times. It's a no from him.

100 percent agree with this.

Is it “humble pie” to say “I could be arsed to take you back if you cut out your tongue?” That’s quite the definition of reconciliation you have there.

OP you sound like an excellent human being! If he doesn't like that about you, you're obviously not meant to be together.