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Original poster

He finally told me why he hasn't been able to tell me he loves me...

259 replies

Tearroller · 06/03/2024 22:59

My ex husband of 1 year came over tonight to talk about us potentially getting back together after we recently went on a few dates to see if we could revive our marriage. His request. I was saddened to end my marriage but needed so much more from him: love, sex, affection and commitment- all of which were missing. We have continued to get along and raise our children pretty well as a coparenting team. So, I was open to the discussion.

By the end of the conversation, I just feel so upset. First we both discussed our core values which are quite different in some ways, so we acknowledged that there could be some issues there. I talked about the things I needed from our marriage- all the things that were missing- him telling me he loves me, physical touch etc.

He managed explain for the first time (thankfully but upsettingly) that the reason he has felt unable to love me or be affectionate with me in recent years is because of these values. One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts. He told me that he finds this unattractive and that because I am so open and expressive and will speak up about things I feel are wrong it has caused him to feel less attracted to me and unable to tell me he loves me. This value is such a big part of me that him basically implying that he sees this characteristic as ugly has really hurt my feelings. Although I am glad he has told me.

What do you make of this?
My head is spinning.
I feel like he has never really loved me for me if this is how he feels.
Will any man ever value this characteristic in a future relationship?

OP posts:
Autienotnautie · 07/03/2024 04:16

I bet he doesn't.

So ultimately if you learn to keep your mouth shut he might feel more attracted to you?

Be glad he's an ex.

Autienotnautie · 07/03/2024 04:19

Reminds me of my ex who left to 'teach me a lesson' thinking he would come back a few months later and I would be grateful. Unfortunately I learned I would be far happier single.

Fraaahnces · 07/03/2024 04:21

I call bullshit on his reasons. HE wants freedom etc but doesn’t want you to be independent and confident. The way you have described his explanations is insulting to your core being. This man is trying to make you take the blame for why he is utterly inadequate instead of looking at himself. He is for the bin.

TheHangryAzureBird · 07/03/2024 04:21

Alwaystransforming · 07/03/2024 02:39

There could be 2 sides to this.

On one hand he could be trying to manipulate you into being silent. Telling you to essentially pipe down. Lots of men do this.

But on the other hand, I know people who 'like/need to express themselves an their feelings'. And sometimes it goes into quite toxic behaviour. They believe they have right to not only have an opinion, but to force other to listen. They have the right to express themselves whenever, wherever they want withiut consideration of tbe other person. One person I know is a family member who tried to make my mums funeral all about her own feelings about my mums death. It's mean her being incredibly horrible to my dad because 2 years after my mums death, he got a girlfriend and she doesn't approve. I have cut off the family member.

I have an ex and I loved that he was very communicative. I really loved it, most of the time. However, he couldn't accept that i nneded to sometimes need to decompress. I couldn't always have the deep and meaningful conversation when he wanted. Turns out I am ND, which I didn't know at the time. But the more he pushed to have these conversations and have them often, the more I needed time to decompress. Which meant he had even more to express, which meant I need more time and it became very miserable for both of us.

Ultimately, though, you aren't compatible. It's doesn't men's he never loved you for you. People change. Something they previously liked about someone can becomes a reason they no longer like them. Sometimes something can attracted you to someone but long term, its not compatible with you.

This.

It’s not necessarily him being manipulative or wanting a quiet and meek partner. It’s not impossible that perhaps your freedom to express means that you can be quite difficult.

Talking from experience, I sometimes used to get carried away when DH and I would talk about things, but in reality it was me ranting and raving and DH must be wrong because his view doesn’t align with mine and mine must be the right one because it’s right and fair, and so on. It resulted in DH simply shutting down whenever he could see me getting worked up in a matter and I’ve seen matured and learnt to have a discussion and learnt the concept of agree to disagree.

Only you know which category you fall into.

WalkingaroundJardine · 07/03/2024 04:23

That doesn’t sound too good. As women get older they develop more confidence to be their authentic selves and if they are the personality type to want to express their thoughts and opinions verbally then being able to freely talk to the person closest to you is important.
It doesn’t sound like he is the right fit for you.

Yellowroseblooms · 07/03/2024 04:46

Well as I've aged I made the discovery that I don't need to say every thought that pops into my mind. For example, there is no point in arguing with utter twits as they are never going to be smarter or better informed or make better contraceptive choices. On the other hand, there are occasions where it is important to say what you think.

Yellowroseblooms · 07/03/2024 04:47

Oh, saying what I think, I don't think you should take your ex back at all and he sounds fairly toxic.

Lampzade · 07/03/2024 04:50

5128gap · 06/03/2024 23:05

I think he's manipulating you. He knows you want him to find you attractive and act on it, so is using that as a bargaining tool to bring you into line. Not liking you expressing yourself is another way of saying he doesn't like you saying things he doesn't want to hear. Rather than listen and either disagree or take on board your opinions he finds it more comfortable to silence you, and is using the threat of not being attracted to you to do that. There is no point in being in a relationship that requires you to compromise a huge part of who you are to please the person. The cost is too high and the reward too low.

This
Tbh you are both incompatible. Do not go back

badwolf82 · 07/03/2024 05:33

SgtJuneAckland · 06/03/2024 23:04

This depends on perception, I am an opinionated person so is DH, but we both recognise a time and place. My cousin argues with strangers on social media constantly and has to turn everything into a debate, she has a very strong opinion on everything, even things she knows very little about, she would describe herself as opinionated, in my view she would be difficult to live with.
I guess only you know where you sit on that spectrum.

I used to have a friend like this. She saw it as being opinionated and honest but so many people saw it as being rude and abrasive. She alienated so many friendships over the years because of her total inability or unwillingness to read the room and temper herself or conduct herself in a reasonable way with people with different viewpoints.

Noicant · 07/03/2024 05:37

Ah so he likes you as long as you shut the fuck up. So he doesn’t actually like you very much at all tbh.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/03/2024 05:40

Why on earth would you want a relationship with this wanker anyway?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/03/2024 05:45

TheHangryAzureBird · 07/03/2024 04:21

This.

It’s not necessarily him being manipulative or wanting a quiet and meek partner. It’s not impossible that perhaps your freedom to express means that you can be quite difficult.

Talking from experience, I sometimes used to get carried away when DH and I would talk about things, but in reality it was me ranting and raving and DH must be wrong because his view doesn’t align with mine and mine must be the right one because it’s right and fair, and so on. It resulted in DH simply shutting down whenever he could see me getting worked up in a matter and I’ve seen matured and learnt to have a discussion and learnt the concept of agree to disagree.

Only you know which category you fall into.

Show quote history

I used to have these tendencies when younger. I have since matured and somewhat mellowed. Dh can also be exuberant and a bit of a bull in a China shop at times.

Edit - to add, I’m sure we are ott for some people.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 07/03/2024 05:52

People are mirrors to our own insecurities. What he doesn’t find attractive in you is because it’s shining a light on something he’s uncomfortable with in himself. He needs to look at himself and ask why your freedom of expression is causing him so much discomfort. What is he fearing? Anyway, it doesn’t really matter. What he thinks about you is non of your business.

Stay in your power & move on.

Rewis · 07/03/2024 06:04

One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts.

I don't really understand what this means?

However, if this is a core value for you then it is non negotiable and you're not compatible

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 07/03/2024 06:18

Rewis · 07/03/2024 06:04

One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts.

I don't really understand what this means?

However, if this is a core value for you then it is non negotiable and you're not compatible

Same, does your 'freedom' mean your share them (how?) Regardless if inappropriate/people don't want to hear? Do other people get granted same from you with their freedom and truth?
I've found people who go on about things like this mean 'only i should talk, my opinion only matters'.

ChristmasFluff · 07/03/2024 06:21

When the core values are different a couple will never be happy, because core values rarely change. It doesn't even matter what you mean by 'freedom to express myself' - he's trying to get you to be a person you are not and will only love THAT person, not you.

Of course other men will be different - there are plenty who value women as people and not as domestic appliances.

That's the reason he wants you back - not to do with love.

He wants to get back with you because he has realised it's hard to find such a efficient domestic appliance to replace you. Only get back with him if you are willing to be together on those terms.

MrsJellybee · 07/03/2024 06:34

Ah, the Unquiet Woman, the Scold’s Bridle and The Taming of the Shrew. Tell him we’ve moved on a long way since the sixteenth century. Stay his ex.

Northernsouloldies · 07/03/2024 06:45

I'll love you if you agree with me.... here's an idea mate .. Fuck off.

pickledandpuzzled · 07/03/2024 06:55

Presumably you don’t find his core value of ‘I am the only one allowed to express opinions, Tearoller needs to pipe down’, attractive so it’s over anyway.

This relationship is over, however, I’d ask a good friend whether you are open to the point of abrasive rudeness before starting another one.

Nicole1111 · 07/03/2024 07:03

If he’s referring to you having the freedom to talk to him about things you’re unhappy about within the relationship, he’s essentially saying I’m upset I can’t control you and behave as I want, without you being compliant, not challenging me and doing as you’re told. I’d avoid a reconciliation like the plague.

swayingpalmtree · 07/03/2024 07:10

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 06/03/2024 23:13

Sooo… he will express his love to you more if you are a good meek little woman with no opinions that contradict his own? Sounds like a lucky escape to me

This. This is what I think of it.

He is apparently only willing to express love to you if you resemble some kind of stepford-robot wife who agrees with everything he says and has no mind of her own.

What an absolute fcking tosser. Don't get back with him- he'd be better off with a shop mannequin - thats the perfect woman for him, she'll never disagree with him, doesnt have her own wants and needs or opinions and won't ever challenge him.

HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere · 07/03/2024 07:15

He's confirmed that you've made the right decision in separating from him.

Sounds as if he wants someone pretty, meek and mild. Ugh.

SevenSeasOfRhye · 07/03/2024 07:32

I really dislike men who go into long, detailed, philosophical explanations about why they can't commit to someone. It's pure self-indulgence on their behalf, they are wanking along to a vision of how deep and clever they are. And it's invariably bollocks - it boils down to the simpler explanation that they are still hoping someone 'better' will come along. OP is well rid.

itsgettingweird · 07/03/2024 07:34

I think you did well to get out of a relationship that requires you to suppress who you are and have your own thoughts and feelings.

My advice is to stay out of it.

Easy to say I know but I've been there and it's best long term.

user1492757084 · 07/03/2024 07:37

Sad for you.
You can't tell a person how to feel.

He is being honest, as hard as it is for you to hear. He doesn't feel warm towards you when you are opinionated. Could be that his opinions have been getting further and further away from yours or could be that he finds little space for him to express himself in amongst your noise or that he has realised that expressive people are too liberal or something.

You need to live with some one who likes you as well as loves and respects you.