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Original poster

He finally told me why he hasn't been able to tell me he loves me...

259 replies

Tearroller · 06/03/2024 22:59

My ex husband of 1 year came over tonight to talk about us potentially getting back together after we recently went on a few dates to see if we could revive our marriage. His request. I was saddened to end my marriage but needed so much more from him: love, sex, affection and commitment- all of which were missing. We have continued to get along and raise our children pretty well as a coparenting team. So, I was open to the discussion.

By the end of the conversation, I just feel so upset. First we both discussed our core values which are quite different in some ways, so we acknowledged that there could be some issues there. I talked about the things I needed from our marriage- all the things that were missing- him telling me he loves me, physical touch etc.

He managed explain for the first time (thankfully but upsettingly) that the reason he has felt unable to love me or be affectionate with me in recent years is because of these values. One of my values is freedom and primarily having the freedom to express myself, my feelings, my thoughts. He told me that he finds this unattractive and that because I am so open and expressive and will speak up about things I feel are wrong it has caused him to feel less attracted to me and unable to tell me he loves me. This value is such a big part of me that him basically implying that he sees this characteristic as ugly has really hurt my feelings. Although I am glad he has told me.

What do you make of this?
My head is spinning.
I feel like he has never really loved me for me if this is how he feels.
Will any man ever value this characteristic in a future relationship?

OP posts:
Karmakamelion · 06/03/2024 23:01

Thank goodness he is an ex. His inability to see the amazing open person you are is a flaw on his part not yours.
How was he when you were dating?

SgtJuneAckland · 06/03/2024 23:04

This depends on perception, I am an opinionated person so is DH, but we both recognise a time and place. My cousin argues with strangers on social media constantly and has to turn everything into a debate, she has a very strong opinion on everything, even things she knows very little about, she would describe herself as opinionated, in my view she would be difficult to live with.
I guess only you know where you sit on that spectrum.

5128gap · 06/03/2024 23:05

I think he's manipulating you. He knows you want him to find you attractive and act on it, so is using that as a bargaining tool to bring you into line. Not liking you expressing yourself is another way of saying he doesn't like you saying things he doesn't want to hear. Rather than listen and either disagree or take on board your opinions he finds it more comfortable to silence you, and is using the threat of not being attracted to you to do that. There is no point in being in a relationship that requires you to compromise a huge part of who you are to please the person. The cost is too high and the reward too low.

Candleabra · 06/03/2024 23:05

He came round to try and win you back, couldn’t tell you he loved you and said it was your fault. There’s a reason he’s been a ex. Throw this one back.

(Ps Do not give this behaviour headspace, the reason he’s saying this is so he can come back on his terms and behave however he wants by putting you down and making you doubt yourself. Of course you want the man you share your life with to say I love you. Ignore him)

VeryQuaintIrene · 06/03/2024 23:07

You sound lovely, actually. He sounds awful in several different ways. I think you are well rid, however much it hurts now.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2024 23:09

I'm curious as to how you "express yourself", because doing so isn't always productive or approachable. As the saying goes, there's two sides to every story.

pikkumyy77 · 06/03/2024 23:10

Where is the vomit emoji when you need it? Of course you can find a better man than this!

Moltenpink · 06/03/2024 23:10

5128gap · 06/03/2024 23:05

I think he's manipulating you. He knows you want him to find you attractive and act on it, so is using that as a bargaining tool to bring you into line. Not liking you expressing yourself is another way of saying he doesn't like you saying things he doesn't want to hear. Rather than listen and either disagree or take on board your opinions he finds it more comfortable to silence you, and is using the threat of not being attracted to you to do that. There is no point in being in a relationship that requires you to compromise a huge part of who you are to please the person. The cost is too high and the reward too low.

I think this is spot on

LadyNijo · 06/03/2024 23:11

5128gap · 06/03/2024 23:05

I think he's manipulating you. He knows you want him to find you attractive and act on it, so is using that as a bargaining tool to bring you into line. Not liking you expressing yourself is another way of saying he doesn't like you saying things he doesn't want to hear. Rather than listen and either disagree or take on board your opinions he finds it more comfortable to silence you, and is using the threat of not being attracted to you to do that. There is no point in being in a relationship that requires you to compromise a huge part of who you are to please the person. The cost is too high and the reward too low.

Exactly this. You’re supposed to do the ‘pick me’ dance by learning to keep schtum and just gaze admiringly at him. He’s saying ‘Shut down your essential character, and I’ll consider getting back together. If you’re good.’

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 06/03/2024 23:13

Sooo… he will express his love to you more if you are a good meek little woman with no opinions that contradict his own? Sounds like a lucky escape to me

mrsfollowill · 06/03/2024 23:13

Dear God he is awful- don't listen to him! and don't get back with him. It's your fault he can't tell you he loves you because you are yourself? Open, transparent and want to be you. What an utter bellend- run away from this one- there are men out there who welcome a woman who is 'herself' and speaks her own mind and doesn't bend to the will of a man. I'm angry on your behalf!

Sparklfairy · 06/03/2024 23:19

I had an ex like this, though thankfully never married him.

We both got chatting to a random man in a busy pub who for some unknown reason started bragging that he never used condoms. I asked him what he would do if he got a woman pregnant, cos child maintenance can get expensive...

I have a sarcastic way of shutting twats down but he just smirked right back at me and said "coat hangers aren't expensive, I'd just use one on her."

Straight back at him I called him disgusting and some comment about maybe he should use one on himself and stopping the problem at source. He went silent.

My ex literally cringed next to me and eventually said soooo and changed the subject.

I walked straight out and ex followed me. We had a row where he called me embarrassing, berated me for making him feel awkward and he "doesn't want a girl like that". I said what, that stands up for herself? He said yes. And that was it. All over.

The point of that somewhat oversharing story was I kicked myself for YEARS for opening my mouth and making HIM feel awkward. How dare I stand up for myself? I wasn't ladylike at all etc etc.

Funny how now I don't regret what I said one bit. Because that creep expected to upset and even scare me, and it was me shutting him up and leaving him shocked, rather than what he's used to saying things like that to female strangers. I think every woman has been left open mouthed in shock by something vile a man has said to us. Not this time.

You will feel shit for a while, but I hope you remember that story and it reminds you to hold fast to your values one day soon.Flowers

Inaspot21 · 06/03/2024 23:22

Sparklfairy · 06/03/2024 23:19

I had an ex like this, though thankfully never married him.

We both got chatting to a random man in a busy pub who for some unknown reason started bragging that he never used condoms. I asked him what he would do if he got a woman pregnant, cos child maintenance can get expensive...

I have a sarcastic way of shutting twats down but he just smirked right back at me and said "coat hangers aren't expensive, I'd just use one on her."

Straight back at him I called him disgusting and some comment about maybe he should use one on himself and stopping the problem at source. He went silent.

My ex literally cringed next to me and eventually said soooo and changed the subject.

I walked straight out and ex followed me. We had a row where he called me embarrassing, berated me for making him feel awkward and he "doesn't want a girl like that". I said what, that stands up for herself? He said yes. And that was it. All over.

The point of that somewhat oversharing story was I kicked myself for YEARS for opening my mouth and making HIM feel awkward. How dare I stand up for myself? I wasn't ladylike at all etc etc.

Funny how now I don't regret what I said one bit. Because that creep expected to upset and even scare me, and it was me shutting him up and leaving him shocked, rather than what he's used to saying things like that to female strangers. I think every woman has been left open mouthed in shock by something vile a man has said to us. Not this time.

You will feel shit for a while, but I hope you remember that story and it reminds you to hold fast to your values one day soon.Flowers

Awesome!! 🙌

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 06/03/2024 23:24

I couldn’t be bothered with the stress. He sounds utterly boring.

Inaspot21 · 06/03/2024 23:24

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 06/03/2024 23:13

Sooo… he will express his love to you more if you are a good meek little woman with no opinions that contradict his own? Sounds like a lucky escape to me

100% this OP. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you or your values, you just need a better man, one who accepts and values you exactly as you are!

Icedoatlattelove · 06/03/2024 23:39

This is really sad. He sounds like he's manipulative. Has he been like this in the marriage?

You deserve to be able to be yourself op. Keep Kim as an ex.

StrawberryWater · 06/03/2024 23:40

Poor little diddums man wants a little wifey that is seen and not heard.

One wonders if he expects you to walk behind him and look at the pavement lest you accidently look at another man.

Urgh. Be glad he's an ex. Move on from him properly and celebrate you got away.

PickAChew · 06/03/2024 23:47

He has reminded you that you are better off without him. Never lose your sense of self for a man. Speaking from bitter experience it doesn't magically make everything wonderful and you never seem to have given up enough of yourself for him. He would never budge an inch for you, anyhow.

southerncrossconservative · 06/03/2024 23:47

When you are with the right person your basic core values should align

If people frequently share strong opinions on certain issues that are in conflict with your views it can grate

Especially if they frequently share opinions when not asked, or that may perhaps be ill informed

Sometimes coming on too strong can push people away

Toning it down doesn't make you meek or subservient, it's just reading the room & being conscious of not dominating others or overriding their opinions

Many people assume they have the right to freedom of expressing opinions without listing it as a "core value"

Possibly identifying so strongly with this as being a "core value" could lead behaviour that others may consider unattractive qualities

Eg abrasiveness, overly loud/opinionated/ranting & talking at people, rather than having a two way conversation

Catoo · 06/03/2024 23:49

Sounds like a boring turd to me.
Don’t know how you kept a straight face to be honest. What a pile of BS.

Be happy he’s an ex. Let him go and find someone with as little personality as himself while you continue to shine bright without him.

💐

Morewineplease10 · 06/03/2024 23:50

Sounds like total bullshit because IT IS!

Please don't take him back op. What a tosser.

Newnamehiwhodis · 06/03/2024 23:53

This is about control.
absolutely a huge red flag, 🚩 and it’s his loss that he can’t say he loves an open, honest person.

please don’t give him any more of your life. He’d shrink you down, put you in a cage, and withhold “love” any time he felt you were not under his control.

Good for you for pinpointing a massive core value of yours - keep honoring it.

ouch321 · 06/03/2024 23:56

Really depends on what it is you insist on expressing so freely.

For example, "Your friend Mike has too much of a beer belly. I can't stand seeing it so I don't want you to invite him over any more."

Then I'm on his side.

"I prefer Hawaiian to pepperoni"

Then I'm with you.

So your post is too vague to say who is right.

Codlingmoths · 06/03/2024 23:57

He fundamentally doesn’t like who you are, getting back together is a bad idea.

Codlingmoths · 06/03/2024 23:59

In fact, ask him why he wants to get back together when he’s finally managed to articulate that he actually doesn’t like you?? Is it that he’s willing to tolerate you for convenience and sex? How nice.

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