I haven’t read the whole thread OP, but have read your posts. To be honest I haven’t got past page 2 because reading it is making me feel physically sick. The risk you are taking with you and your children’s financial security is HUGE. You have a good job - please go and see a proper solicitor and talk to a financial advisor before you take one step further. What is the point of having resources if you don’t use them to your benefit?
You have a fully owned property which (at this moment in time) no-one can take from you. A roof over your heads, a source of income if you weren’t living there, something for your children to own or sell if something happens to you. This puts you in a very rare and privileged position.
If you cannot cast iron ringfence the house you shouldn’t marry this man. If the first thing he said when you decided to move him in/marry him wasn’t “I don’t want to take from you and your children’s existing financial security - let’s sort out some paperwork to make it clear I don’t and never will have an interest in the property” (I’m assuming it absolutely wasn’t…) then he does not have your best interests at heart.
It’s great you’re in a stable relationship and that your kids love this guy. He might be wonderful and just a bit dippy about money, or making assumptions about the wondrousness of your relationship and how nothing could ever go wrong… perhaps he has not previously been divorced and spent the past 14 years raising children, working and paying off a mortgage… BUT YOU HAVE.
Is that something you want to have to do again, 14+ years older?
@NuttellaAndPuppyLover ’s suggestion isn’t off the wall, but the desparity in your circumstances and the fact you have children, still makes this an incredibly risky move.
The only way I would countenance a shared property is if premarital assets were ringfenced and he agreed paperwork confirming he had no claim on the existing house.
I can understand that he may not feel your house is a shared home because it has been yours for so long and, well… it’s not a shared asset. And maybe he would prefer to live somewhere which is your joint venture.
That, in itself, is not totally unreasonable. And if you choose, in future, to buy together and live somewhere as a family, then you both put down deposits, take out a joint mortgage, own in the manner Nutella describes and build a joint nest egg together. If you choose to rent your house out to fund this that’s your perogative - it raises your income while retaining your security. His share of that property can be dealt with in his will as he pleases, and your part can go back to your kids or him or whatever you want to do.
Or, he uses his savings (I presume he does have savings or assets of some kind right?) to buy a property of his own to which you have no claim, (as he isn’t paying rent/mortgage at yours he should have some funds for that - he can always do a buy to let to get the ball rolling), which he can then build equity in and benefit from/move into should you split or if something happens to you and the children decide to live in or sell the family home.
But he shouldn’t be living with you AT ALL without some paperwork in place and FGS do not let him spend one penny on your house (I think food and bills is fine - but check with a solicitor).
You are not some starry eyed twenty something building a life together. You have built one. You have tangible assets and a place to be safe, for you and your children.
You say you have had some health scares in recent times - one sure fire way to decimate your health and well-being is to put yourself back into financial insecurity. Don’t do it. If he can’t see past this, and isn’t as keen as mustard to help protect you and your children’s security, then I’d be seriously questioning his motives.
Be smarter than this.
Work out what works for you, pay for good advice on the ins and outs and how what you want can work legally/practically. Then, and only then, talk to him… and stick to your guns.