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Original poster

Getting Married but already living in my house

214 replies

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:46

I need a bit of advice as the internet law seems a bit fuzzy.

Myself and my partner are getting married soon. I bought my house many many years ago and have been living in it with my kids since then. My partner has just moved in with me before the wedding and is wanting to make big changes to the house both structural and decorative. Its taken me a while to get used to the idea of us living together and thats why its taken me so long to agree to it and to accept his proposal.

I dont want him on the deeds to my home as it is mine, I've paid for everything to do with the house including a new central heating system just before christmas. He has not asked to be put on the deeds but he is wanting to make structural changes (new fence as he doesnt like the one we have even though theres nothing wrong with it, new patio as again he doesnt like stone etc) Not only can we not afford this right now but he has already had workmen out giving quotes while I've been at work.

He has also made some comments where he'd like us to get our own house and I've asked what we would use as the deposit and he said for me to sell my house and use that as he has no equity anywhere (he currently house shares with his friends).

I'm a bit concerned about the money side of things as I've always said that my home will belong to my kids when I go as they have lived in it most of their lives and I paid for the whole things.

Ive no idea what I need to do, are pre nups worth it?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/02/2024 19:42

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:55

I wrote a will when my second child was born leaving everything to both my kids so if I dont change that will he still have a claim on the house?

Wills are invalidated after marriage.

DO NOT marry this man.

ProjectsGalore · 28/02/2024 19:43

Quite apart from any of the other great advice on this thread.......marrying a man who is already massively overstepping your boundaries is never going to end well. I'm voting with the please don't do it club!

Nanny0gg · 28/02/2024 19:43

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:57

We dont (and never will) have kids together. Both my kids I had from my previous marriage which ended 14 years ago, thats when I bought my house and have just paid off my mortgage as I do have a decent job luckily.

Please don't give that away.

Lighteningstrikes · 28/02/2024 19:46

DO NOT get married.
He is after half your house.
You have been warned.
It’s a tale as old as time.

FluffyToesMeow · 28/02/2024 19:46

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:55

I wrote a will when my second child was born leaving everything to both my kids so if I dont change that will he still have a claim on the house?

Yes he probably will do. Talk to a solicitor op.

FluffyToesMeow · 28/02/2024 19:47

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 15:01

We have been together for 5 years and he would not be homeless as he does have other options if I was to kick him out.

He is a great step-father to my kids and they love him to bits as he has a lot of time for them.

Tell him how you feel about it being your house. See how he responds.

coldcallerbaiter · 28/02/2024 19:48

I would go as far as saying that if you marry him, you are jeopardising your dc.

I reckon he will insist on getting cash to the contractors and having the invoice in his name. The cash will prob come from OP. Even if he pays for it, it will be an ulterior motive to get a stake. What sort of man with a business has no savings? Has he lost a home before? Was he married before?Simply no reason to marry him.

TheWorldisGoingMad · 28/02/2024 19:49

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:53

Thanks everyone, I have been having second thoughts about marrying him recently too as he's becoming very difficult and I feel like I have to include him in every decision I make about the house but he doesnt do the same. He does pay half the bills and food etc now he's moved in but didnt when he had his own place which is reasonable I think as he wasnt staying at mine too often.

I just dont want him making decisions without talking to me about them and also the house doesnt belong to him. I've told him no about the fence due to being in a conservation area and the fence we have is one of the handful we are allowed.

You know the answer. He is waving big red flags in front of your face....
He's already taken over as if it's a sure thing. Perhaps it was his plan from the start when he knew you had a house you'd paid off. Sorry to be so blunt, but I know someone it happened too. Their house is now worth over a million and they are getting divorced. She will lose half of it as it wasn't protected.

There is no way in hell, I'd be even living with a man like this, let alone consider marrying. He'd be out.

So many warning signs... Ignore them or justify them at your peril.

crockofshite · 28/02/2024 19:49

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:55

I wrote a will when my second child was born leaving everything to both my kids so if I dont change that will he still have a claim on the house?

Marriage will invalidate any current / old will.

Anyway, don't marry him. He's getting ready to cash in.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/02/2024 19:50

Please please get proper legal advice before you make any drastic decisions.
You have kids. You have a well-paid job and you own your current house outright. You need to protect your own financial interests.
He is not going to.

I've asked what we would use as the deposit and he said for me to sell my house and use that as he has no equity anywhere (he currently house shares with his friends).

HE DOESN'T LISTEN TO YOU. He has got workmen in for quotes behind your back for projects you have already said can't be done or are low priority.

Those are quite important things to on which to simply disregard your wishes and opinions. If he ignores your wishes on that - what other things will he decide he knows best about? He's acting like he already owns your house and is in charge of how you live.

TheWorldisGoingMad · 28/02/2024 19:51

Parentofeanda · 28/02/2024 18:28

definitely dont marry, this happened to my mums friend. The guy ended up with 50% of the house and 50% was split between her 3 children ( not his )

was awful, they were only together 4 years, married a year

This happened to my friend too. It's as if it's planned. Find a gullible woman with assets... wine and dine her. Keep up the act long enough for her to fall for you. Get married. Then they can drop that act because there's nothing the partner can do. Easy money. Harsh but true. Yes it probably works both ways.

DaffodilsAlready · 28/02/2024 19:52

Yes, why would you marry him?
You have security in your house and responsibilty for your DC. He doesn’t have anything to contribute and he is already acting in an entitled way. It’s quite controlling - he is showing you that he can and will bring contractors onto your property and he is denigrating what you already have by suggesting it is not good enough and needs improved. It’s not relevant whether the windows or the fence need doing first, the point is that he has no right to be involved.

coldcallerbaiter · 28/02/2024 19:53

So he has a business or share in one? Well half your house will be by far the best business deal he has ever done.

EmmaEmerald · 28/02/2024 19:59

TheWorldisGoingMad · 28/02/2024 19:51

This happened to my friend too. It's as if it's planned. Find a gullible woman with assets... wine and dine her. Keep up the act long enough for her to fall for you. Get married. Then they can drop that act because there's nothing the partner can do. Easy money. Harsh but true. Yes it probably works both ways.

Show quote history

It is always planned.

BlueSkyBlueLife · 28/02/2024 20:00

I dint know if you are still reading @suziesue45 but I would postpone the wedding telling him that you feel adjusting to a life together isn’t as plain sailing as you thought it would be.

The stuff about getting quotes wo talking to you, thinking if spending money he doesn’t have etc… would be an issue for me wo the issue marriage could bring. It very much feels like his mode of functioning in a partnership is that he is charge and you do as you are told.

As you have only just started to live together, I’d suggest a cool down period tbh.
Get to know him living together. Him leaving socks all over the place. Him only ‘helping’ with the housework. Etc etc

Because let’s be honest, how people are when you live in two different houses, even when you spend ,oafs of time together, is not the same as how they behave when you live together.

I feel it’s simply too early days for you to jump into such a commitment, esp with two dcs.

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2024 20:11

your will won’t be valid if you marry him. Your windows that need fixing don’t matter if you marry him as you’ll have sold your house and bought one that’s both of yours despite him having no deposit and when the relationship ends or he dies you will have to sell that house to pay back his share and there will be no house to leave to your dc. Don’t marry him. Look how comfortable he is IGNORING your wishes without being married! The utter cheek of him to call in tradesmen for quotes on your house knowing you don’t have the money for it and don’t want to… once you’re married he will call in the tradies and sign them up to do the work then you will be the one scrambling for money to pay them… you will never be truly happy or comfortable again. The discomfort of ending it is a walk in the park compared to the long term misery and insecurity of going through with it.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/02/2024 20:17

I need a bit of advice as the internet law seems a bit fuzzy.

Seriously, @suziesue45 ?! What did you search for?!

BestieNo1 · 28/02/2024 20:19

Trust your gut and at the very least delay it.
See what his response is to that and it will tell you what you need to know.
Something smells fishy to mess xx

CheeseyOnionPie · 28/02/2024 20:20

Mrsttcno1 · 28/02/2024 14:53

Once you are married then deeds or not he will be entitled to 50%.

Also even if you remain unmarried, if he is going to do substantial work to the house he will still likely have a case for having a financial interest in the house.

…and he probably knows this, hence pushing to make structural changes. His idea to get a house that is both of yours by selling your current place and using that for equity is no different to him asking to be added to the deeds. He’s trying to get his 50%. I wouldn’t marry him unless I am happy to give him 50%

EmmaEmerald · 28/02/2024 20:21

I was actually wondering what "the internet law" was referring to but thought maybe it was shorthand for finding a legal answer online.

@suziesue45 when I made a will, solicitor emphasised that it immediately becomes null and void upon marriage. I struggled to keep a straight face because even 20 years ago....ain't nobody getting their hands on my money that way!

CherryRipe1 · 28/02/2024 20:23

Two sisters in my extended family owned a property as joint tenants. One lived abroad & the other in the house. The elder one in the house married a penniless bum and loser then a few years later she died of an aneurysm. The vulture thought his luck was in but the house reverted to her sister and he got stuff all. Hah! The twat kept trying to find out about the deeds/ownership etc while his wife was alive but she kept stchum. He got a shock. Are any of your kids over 18? Perhaps you could do a joint tenancy deeds with one of them or tenants in common so they own a split? You must get legal advice!!!

carly2803 · 28/02/2024 20:25

do not marry him

encourage him to buy his own property and have an asset to himself, such as a flat (which is what i would advise a woman in the other way round!)

live together, do not let him pay towards the mortgage or ask him to leave and live separately!

Catoo · 28/02/2024 20:25

If I recall, Linda Bellingham’s husband changed mutual wills after her death so that her sons got nothing and he got it all. Think he evicted them from a flat she owned too.
Definitely don’t get married!
Or get a water tight ‘prenup’ type arrangement.

DumpedByText · 28/02/2024 20:29

What's yours becomes his as well if you marry. It will become matrimonial property, so why would you get married if you don't want him to have a claim!

JCLV · 28/02/2024 20:40

Please think seriously before marrying this man. He is bringing nothing financially and you have your children to think of.