Getting Married but already living in my house

[suziesue45]

I need a bit of advice as the internet law seems a bit fuzzy.

Myself and my partner are getting married soon. I bought my house many many years ago and have been living in it with my kids since then. My partner has just moved in with me before the wedding and is wanting to make big changes to the house both structural and decorative. Its taken me a while to get used to the idea of us living together and thats why its taken me so long to agree to it and to accept his proposal.

I dont want him on the deeds to my home as it is mine, I've paid for everything to do with the house including a new central heating system just before christmas. He has not asked to be put on the deeds but he is wanting to make structural changes (new fence as he doesnt like the one we have even though theres nothing wrong with it, new patio as again he doesnt like stone etc) Not only can we not afford this right now but he has already had workmen out giving quotes while I've been at work.

He has also made some comments where he'd like us to get our own house and I've asked what we would use as the deposit and he said for me to sell my house and use that as he has no equity anywhere (he currently house shares with his friends).

I'm a bit concerned about the money side of things as I've always said that my home will belong to my kids when I go as they have lived in it most of their lives and I paid for the whole things.

Ive no idea what I need to do, are pre nups worth it?

If you don’t want to share your assets then don’t marry

but he’s going to be constantly feel like he’s living in someone else’s house no security and could be out on his arse at any minute he’d just be a glorified lodger

if it was the other way round he’d have his arse handed to him in MN

you need to be completely honest and say you don’t want to share

Pretty sure a subsequent marriage invalidates a previous will.

You need to take proper legal advice on whether there is a failsafe way to protect your assets for the children. This is not the time to worry about how expensive lawyers can be. It will be a small price to pay for protecting your children’s financial future and for your own peace of mind.

He already sees your assets as his if he is calling in builders for quotes. In fact he sees that he can make the decisions for you because he knows better! Protect what you have built up for your children, don't marry this man. You say you have health issues, if you died and he was left as guardian of your children, do you think you could trust him to do everything right by them? If he remarried, I think your children would be left with nothing.

Your first concern as you state above is your kids stability.

You sound very financially stable and level headed.

Your partner, shortly after moving in to YOUR house is trying to get work done without your agreement or consent - you don't think the works are neccessary. I am wracking my brains why he might do this and nothing I can come up with puts him in a good light:

1. He is generally spendy and gets a high from spending money. So even though you don't need to change your fence or paving he will get a high from doing it. Might explain why he has no assets of his own. Also why he wants to move to bigger/better no doubt, while having no money..

1. He is after a willy waving ego boost. He won't be saying to the tradesman "it's my partners home and I wanted to treat her to a new patio". He will be portraying the house as his/both of yours and happy to go for expensive materials as a display of how "successful" he is to the tradespeople.

1. One of the more sinister reasons - he knows if he pays for changes/maintenance to your home he can start to build a claim against it.

1. At the moment if you separate you and your children will remain in your home. That is stability. If you sell up, buy a more expensive house and separate (even if ring fence your deposit) your children will move to the new house and then if you separate and have a mortgage not affordable on your own or have to buy him out they will have to move again. Made worse if they have to move areas/schools. If you have married you could lose a chunk of equity along the way making it harder for you to buy/pay your mortgage. Your children will not have a legal right to stay in the home or sell it even if 18+ as he will own some and perhaps all of it.

1. If you marry and pass away the chances of your kids getting all you want them to is slim. Your spouse will have rights and if you have cut him out of your will I expect fight for the money.

The only thing I will say in this man's favour is if he is a serious life partner that you love and you can see him raising your kids if you died/growing old together then you wouldn't want him to be homeless if you died. I would suggest that you both save a deposit and buy a rental property 50:50 which would be a suitable home for him if you died and a bit of equity in his share if you split up.

Don't get married. Think about what you gain from marriage (a day with a bit of fuss/ a nice holiday?) and everything you and your children stand to lose.

Do you have life insurance/death in service? If so you need to make sure your nomination is up to date and reflects your wishes. I would keep a copy and give a copy to a trusted person - parent/friend. If you get married and still want your kids to receive this pay out update it again/send a letter to state although you got married you still wish your kids to receive this. As these pay outs are awarded at the discretion of the funds I think to avoid inheritance tax if you get married they might assume you would want your spouse to have it.

Yes - if you marry him, I believe he can claim half (depending up on how long you are married) and your kids get to share the rest, assuming he hasn’t taken out a mortgage on it in the interim and frittered away any equity (yep, it happens).

Do not marry him unless he is bringing an equal share of assets - one way to do this is to buy a property together as ‘tenants in common’ - you pay half and own half; he gets a mortgage for the other half and owns that half (if paid off, otherwise the bank owns it technically LOL). Then your half would be protected for the children if you have willed it to them and they can insist upon a property sale upon your death to release the monies.

Of course, this would not remove underling tension, I suspect, nor his resentment that he only owns a share in the house, especially as he could not do works to the house without your consent.

tbh, I would refuse to marry him as it makes no financial sense for you and your children to do so - the opposite, in fact. Remain as partners. If this upsets him, then you will know that he was hoping to get a share in your assets as evidenced by his getting workmen around - so I’d move on and look for someone more solvent next time, and/or be clear that with him/a future DP that you have no intention of marrying anyone unless they are financial equals and happy to ensure your premarital assets are ring-fenced for your children.

To check the spotty advice we are giving, you can book a free consultation with a solicitor, or citizen’s advice, to be sure you know where you stand.

"if it was the other way round he’d have his arse handed to him in MN"

Although there can be double standards with the sexes I am not sure your statement is true in this case.

Woman moves in to house and starts getting quotes for work done/wants to marry but brings nothing to the table and there won't be joint children.

I think the poster would still be urged to protect their assets for their children. Posters would equally worry that the woman would inherit and cut out the kids or divorce and walk off with the equity.

It is very different to a couple deciding to have a child together - where people are usually urged to get the protection of marriage as they might need to go part time/pay child care fees/work less to care for a child and potentially a disabled child.

please, please protect yourself and your family.
Is he bringing the same value of assets to table when you marry.
He is starting to sound very dominate - do you really want this?

I would not marry, why do you need to marry?
If it doesn't feel right, it is not right, listen to yourself.
Otherwise do a new will leaving everything to the children in your death with a small token to him, therefore leaving him little room to contest (heaven forbid).

Bit like many women then who pop out a few kids unmarried and then lose everything. Interesting to see the tables turned.

What does he spend his income on if he has no savings? The asset will default to 50:50 on marriage unless you state otherwise. Get good legal advice to protect it, if you go ahead with a wedding. His attitude is undermining and will erode your self confidence.

Never marry someone who's not the father of your DCs.

You are disinheriting them.

He could divorce you and take most of what would go to them or if you pre-decease him he'll get your whole house with no obligation at all to give a penny to your DCs.

Have a wedding/party/celebration but don't sign a legal marriage certificate

I would pay to go and see a solicitor before getting married.

A marriage is a legal document giving protection and responsibility to both partners. It is, imo, essentially a financial contract.

You are RIGHTLY wanting to protect your dcs - you come with assets, he doesn’t. By looking at the marriage from the angle of a financial contract, you want to know how and if you can protect your assets.

The way he is behaving NOW is an issue. You aren’t married and he is already doing stuff that should be decided together on his own and Wo involving you.
Today it’s a fence and a patio. Tomorrow??
im sorry but I’d take that as a sign of him becoming controlling. And with the background of the difference in assets etc… I’d have a big issue with it.

My partner has just moved in with me before the wedding and is wanting to make big changes to the house both structural and decorative. Its taken me a while to get used to the idea of us living together and thats why its taken me so long to agree to it and to accept his proposal

This sounds as though you had to be cajoled and persuaded - ie. your gut has been telling you all along that you don’t want this. You’ve apparently managed perfectly well raising the kids and paying for your home until now (you have my admiration). However, he is offering nothing except himself - and I noticed you didn’t make a single reference to how good he makes you feel, how loved, what a lovely guy he is, how incredible he is with your kids. That omission is a bit deafening. 🚩

He has not asked to be put on the deeds but he is wanting to make structural changes (new fence as he doesn't like the one we have even though theres nothing wrong with it, new patio as again he doesnt like stone etc)

He doesn’t need his name on the deeds to prove a right to half of it in court if a) he is married to you and b) he can evidence that he has invested money in the fabric of the house. I think he knows this - am curious how he plans to fund this when he doesn’t have money for a deposit on a house… but I guess this is a cheaper way to ‘buy’ 50% of a property? Paying half the bills for living expenses doesn’t count in law unless he is also paying towards a mortgage from a joint account with you?

Really, I would show him the door.

He’s seen what you’ve got, and he wants to claim a stake. Don’t marry him, you and your kids have everything to lose and apparently nothing to gain. Just don’t - and make it crystal clear that any alterations to YOUR house are on YOUR terms (and not at his expense, as you can see where his mind is going). A lick of paint is one thing, fence and patio are not in the same league. Be very very careful OP, this won’t end well.

Sorry - didn’t mean to quote the OP’s entire opening post 🤦🏽‍♀️

If it was the other way around, so a man with children and a house and a woman with no assets and no dcs, then my advice would be the same. Getting married and/or having no protection re the house is dangerous.

IF as a couple, they wanted to them have children of their own, then things would be different and getting married or having some financial arrangement in place would be essential.

Re him risking to be out ‘on his arse’, well yes.
That’s the situation any unmarried person who doesn’t have their own house/assets is.
The answer though is why is it the case?
That man has a business. Is that doing so badly that, even when housesharing, he couldn’t put any money aside and never has?
A discussion on the financial implications would be needed then.

Ofc he doesn’t need to just now because marriage means he doesn’t need to make any effort save but would rather make grand plans to spend money they dint have. Already…

Don't marry him, OP. He can still live with you if you want him to, but never marry him. Call the wedding off. Just say you're having second thoughts.

Why would you marry a man who has no money and no assets? Why would he want to marry a woman who owns her own home, eh?

Do not legally tie yourself to someone unless you want to financially tie yourself to someone. Don't let him pay for othe work on the house.

You need really good legal advice before doing this.

@suziesue45 9one thing I’d look at carefully is his attitude to money, regardless of the marriage stuff.

Is spending money he doesn’t have on things that aren’t needed a normal pattern for him?

He's got plans for your house and I think you need to be very cautious about marrying him. He's showing his true colours of wanting to be in charge etc.

Have you discussed ring fencing the house with him? I just wonder what his outlook of this is? His reaction may be very telling.

*Why get married at all?

The whole point is to merge your assets and liabilities, establish a joint household. That's why it is exists as a legal thing.

It sounds like you don't want to do that with him, and it doesn't make sense for you. So in that case, please don't walk into a purpose-built legal structure that will make your concerns joint concerns. And remember a husband will inherit everything unless your will specifies otherwise.*

This. I just don't understand why you are getting married if this is how you feel. In fairness to him, if I married someone I would expect to share all assets etc. he hasn't been respectful but I don't think it's wrong to want to be on the mortgage when you are married. It doesn't sound like marriage is a good option for you and that's fine.

I haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure someone will have said this already, but upon marriage, your existing will becomes null and void

Your house will become a marital asset so think very carefully about what you are doing

Yes, good point. Any existing will becomes void on marriage. He may well have expectations of how you might arrange your new will, and his expectations may well not have your children’s best interests at heart.

How old is he?

I doubt he would be interested in marrying you if you had less than or the same as him. He knows your house is probably not up for grabs ie putting jointly in both names, so he suggests selling it and get another, but laughably wants you to contribute all the funds…

You have no real need to marry, you will not be having children together and you want to leave your dc all your assets. He wants to muscle in.