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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting Married but already living in my house

214 replies

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:46

I need a bit of advice as the internet law seems a bit fuzzy.

Myself and my partner are getting married soon. I bought my house many many years ago and have been living in it with my kids since then. My partner has just moved in with me before the wedding and is wanting to make big changes to the house both structural and decorative. Its taken me a while to get used to the idea of us living together and thats why its taken me so long to agree to it and to accept his proposal.

I dont want him on the deeds to my home as it is mine, I've paid for everything to do with the house including a new central heating system just before christmas. He has not asked to be put on the deeds but he is wanting to make structural changes (new fence as he doesnt like the one we have even though theres nothing wrong with it, new patio as again he doesnt like stone etc) Not only can we not afford this right now but he has already had workmen out giving quotes while I've been at work.

He has also made some comments where he'd like us to get our own house and I've asked what we would use as the deposit and he said for me to sell my house and use that as he has no equity anywhere (he currently house shares with his friends).

I'm a bit concerned about the money side of things as I've always said that my home will belong to my kids when I go as they have lived in it most of their lives and I paid for the whole things.

Ive no idea what I need to do, are pre nups worth it?

OP posts:

Bkjahshue · 28/02/2024 14:58

As others have said don’t marry him; he’ll go after the house.

Sashya · 28/02/2024 14:58

Please do not marry him. Certainly not without talking to a lawyer and making sure your house is protected. It happens over and over - new spouse appears and if something happens to you - house goes to them. And kids are left with nothing (or very little, if they decide to fight).

Do not do it.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/02/2024 15:00

Do not get married, and I would ask him to move out because he is riding rough shod over your wishes and your home
There's potential for him to do the same with you, if you become his wife.
It doesn't matter if you're both on the deeds.. your home will become a marital asset.
Please think of yourself and your DC

Original poster

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 15:01

We have been together for 5 years and he would not be homeless as he does have other options if I was to kick him out.

He is a great step-father to my kids and they love him to bits as he has a lot of time for them.

OP posts:

LittleGreenDragons · 28/02/2024 15:02

said for me to sell my house and use that as he has no equity anywhere
HA HA HA HA .... you've found yourself a broke, financially incompetent, future cocklodger.

Don't get married, after a certain number of years all your assets become his. Your marriage will take precedent over your will.

If he's taking control of house repairs/changes without your consent already then he is not a good man to have around your children. Kick him out, date from afar if you have to.

SilentlyCorrectingYourSpelling · 28/02/2024 15:02

I would be seriously questioning whether his motives for marrying you are predominately financial. Luckily he's shown his hand early, so you still have time to protect your assets and your children's inheritance. Don't marry him!

Original poster

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 15:03

I know wills dont pay out until I'm dead but I was thinking of my kids there too, if I do die then they would get the house and my other assets but if I marry him they wouldnt :(

OP posts:

Mmmmdanone · 28/02/2024 15:05

If you divorce he will have a claim to half your house, and it sounds like he will definitely go after it. In fact it sounds like you don't even want to marry him so don't. I speak from bitter experience.

Whiskerson · 28/02/2024 15:05

Why get married at all?

The whole point is to merge your assets and liabilities, establish a joint household. That's why it is exists as a legal thing.

It sounds like you don't want to do that with him, and it doesn't make sense for you. So in that case, please don't walk into a purpose-built legal structure that will make your concerns joint concerns. And remember a husband will inherit everything unless your will specifies otherwise.

Mrsttcno1 · 28/02/2024 15:06

I suppose the question I’d be asking myself if I was you, is why are you getting married if a) you don’t trust his intentions and b) you don’t want to be tied in to the legal/financial protections that marriage provides?

At that point I honestly don’t really know why you’d bother even thinking about marriage, you don’t want to become one legal/financial entity, you aren’t going to have any children together, you don’t trust him not to fuck you & your children over, so why even think about marriage?

2Old2Tango · 28/02/2024 15:06

Even if you don't marry him, if he contributes significantly to maintenance/upkeep of the house throughout the relationship, and he can prove his expenditure, then he may be able to make a claim against the house.

Im assuming you're older, if your marriage ended 14 years ago, so he's probably a similar age? How has he got to his age and have no significant savings?

This man has a bloody cheek organising contractor quotes when he's only been there 5 minutes and not discussed things with you.

StrawberryWater · 28/02/2024 15:08

Go and see a solicitor and protect you pre-marrital assets (ie your house). Do not marry this man until you have your equity protected.

Personally I would not move a man in to my house who a) wasn't financially secure or had his head screwed on properly. He's bringing nothing to your relationship in terms of money (I mean wake up and smell the coffee he still flat shares and would be homeless if you split up!) and b) who thinks he can take over and just make financial decisions using your money. Who's going to pay for all these improvements? You. That's who. Say no.

Do not move him in, do not marry him and certainly do not buy a house with this man unless he can bring 50% equity (or near enough) to a future property purchase and even if you do buy somewhere with him you should protect your assets.

Original poster

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 15:09

I'm not sure if its fair to say I dont trust him, I told him no to the fence and my reasons why and he said he was looking into it for us and our home and to make the value higher (not sure a fence would do that mind) and he always seems to have an excuse as to why he's doing certain things. He has his own business and has a will where his business partner gets that if anything was to happen to him so he has that as an asset but with it being a business its nothing he could do much with to get funding for a house really so that doesnt help me.

I do honestly love him and he is an amazing person I'm just a bit worried with the financial side of things and I dont want my kids to have nothing if the worst happens.

OP posts:

NuttellaAndPuppyLover · 28/02/2024 15:11

If you put the marry him / not marry him aside, you can buy the new house as tenants in common. This is what I am doing - and you can stipulate who owns what % and who pays mortgage / bills etc. you'll have to do a deed trust (in which you'd also specify that your portion goes to your kids on your death). I'm paying a solicitor about 600 quid to have this done and will then pay for our wills to be written. In my case I don't have doubts but we are both aware I'm putting in more equity so I'll own more than half the house.

Original poster

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 15:12

@StrawberryWater He wouldn't be homeless if we split up as he does have other options which I dont want to go into on here as its a bit outing. He house shared with 2 friends in a large house before he moved in with me, they paid the rent 3 ways and he now uses that money to pay for the bills and other expenses in my house.

OP posts:

CatLevelCare · 28/02/2024 15:12

My god, this is terrifying. I hope you are listening to the advice given.

Original poster

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 15:13

@NuttellaAndPuppyLover Thank you, this is the type of advice I was looking for and that sounds like a really good option. I will look into that and then speak to him

OP posts:

Onl · 28/02/2024 15:17

What are you reasons for wanting to marry him? Do you want to show him how much you love him, do you want everyone to know how much in love you are or do you feel more comfortable being married. If you work out the actual reason why you want to get married to him it might be easier to realise that it's a bit pointless if you are the one with more wealth.

Original poster

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 15:22

@Onl it was for our long term future together and for my kids so they had a bit of stability. Theres a lot of health issues gone on with us all over the past few years and there was one thing we wanted to do for a bit of stability. I just dont want my kids left with nothing if I go first and also dont want him making changes to my house without my consent or even a conversation regarding it. The house needs new windows before it needs a new fence.

OP posts:

NuttellaAndPuppyLover · 28/02/2024 15:23

@suziesue45 - in all honesty, the solicitor suggested and even said I would have to sign a disclaimer if I decided not to do the deed trust. Also my DP was the one to bring it up and said he didn't feel comfortable having 50% when he's not able to put as much equity. If you mention this to your DP, you'll be able to spot if he's making excuses or whether he can see his equity and children would be fully protected with a deed trust.

NuttellaAndPuppyLover · 28/02/2024 15:24

Sorry just realised I got confused. It's your child and your equity!!

Brumbies · 28/02/2024 15:25

I echo the dont get married answers.

This is fraught with problems, you just dont need.

Perhaps it's time to sit him down and tell him straight

GreatGateauxsby · 28/02/2024 15:25

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:55

I wrote a will when my second child was born leaving everything to both my kids so if I dont change that will he still have a claim on the house?

If you are married yes…

honestly do not marry him.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 28/02/2024 15:27

Please don't get married. How dare he plan changes to YOUR HOUSE. Honestly please get out of this, ASAP.

Mrsttcno1 · 28/02/2024 15:27

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 15:22

But the thing is if you don’t want to be financially tied together then what is this stability that marriage is going to provide?

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