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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting Married but already living in my house

214 replies

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:46

I need a bit of advice as the internet law seems a bit fuzzy.

Myself and my partner are getting married soon. I bought my house many many years ago and have been living in it with my kids since then. My partner has just moved in with me before the wedding and is wanting to make big changes to the house both structural and decorative. Its taken me a while to get used to the idea of us living together and thats why its taken me so long to agree to it and to accept his proposal.

I dont want him on the deeds to my home as it is mine, I've paid for everything to do with the house including a new central heating system just before christmas. He has not asked to be put on the deeds but he is wanting to make structural changes (new fence as he doesnt like the one we have even though theres nothing wrong with it, new patio as again he doesnt like stone etc) Not only can we not afford this right now but he has already had workmen out giving quotes while I've been at work.

He has also made some comments where he'd like us to get our own house and I've asked what we would use as the deposit and he said for me to sell my house and use that as he has no equity anywhere (he currently house shares with his friends).

I'm a bit concerned about the money side of things as I've always said that my home will belong to my kids when I go as they have lived in it most of their lives and I paid for the whole things.

Ive no idea what I need to do, are pre nups worth it?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 28/02/2024 17:59

Op

You can still get married, you can still leave your house to your kids, you can still do a whole heap of things

Just see a solicitor first

But you mentioned you’ve been having doubts about him - if that’s the case don’t bother with a lawyer just dump him!

MissSookieStackhouse · 28/02/2024 18:00

As others have said, if you marry him, your house immediately becomes a shared marital asset. That means if you divorce, he gets half. So, if you die (after getting divorced) your kids will only inherit your half of your house.

Please get proper legal advice, don’t just take the advice of strangers off the internet! (Even though many of us here know the score from previous experience!)

His behaviour sounds very suspect. It’s really worrying that he’s making financial plans about the house which you know nothing about. Very dodgy!

EmmaEmerald · 28/02/2024 18:09

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 15:22

@Onl it was for our long term future together and for my kids so they had a bit of stability. Theres a lot of health issues gone on with us all over the past few years and there was one thing we wanted to do for a bit of stability. I just dont want my kids left with nothing if I go first and also dont want him making changes to my house without my consent or even a conversation regarding it. The house needs new windows before it needs a new fence.

Sorry if being thick, but how does you getting married give the children more stability? I thought it would give them less stability.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/02/2024 18:12

EmmaEmerald · 28/02/2024 18:09

Sorry if being thick, but how does you getting married give the children more stability? I thought it would give them less stability.

Show quote history

Exactly! OP, you’ll just be handing half their inheritance away to someone else!

@suziesue45 are you reading these posts and have they changed your mind about getting married?

mustardseedandmoonshire · 28/02/2024 18:20

once you are married (unless it is very short-lived), then your assets become shared. So YES, he will have a claim on your house. Once that ring is on, i'm afraid it isn't "your" house anymore, regardless of whose name is on the deeds or what you've put in your will. if you want it to be yours and then your kids' then don't marry him.
i speak from experience - my husband did extremely well out of our marriage - he brought very little in and took half of everything on exit.
proceed only if you are prepared to give up half your house (and pension and savings) if it goes wrong..

AgentJohnson · 28/02/2024 18:20

You shouldn’t marry him!!!!!! Behaviour is a language and what do you think he’s telling you? The fact that he’s getting quotes for work done on an asset that he doesn’t own speaks volumes.

As soon as you marry him, your financial exposure to him will change and he’s obviously banking on it.

DO NOT GET MARRIED! You aren’t ready and the communication between is nowhere where it should be. You sound like someone who is being railroaded into a situation.

Catoo · 28/02/2024 18:22

Holy crap OP.
I am anxious reading this.
Do not marry this man. As soon as you do he will have a claim on your house that you’ve worked so hard for.

He’s a bullying presumptuous arsehole.

Get him moved back out. Ask for help from friends if you think he will refuse to go.
💐

TheGreatGherkin · 28/02/2024 18:24

The house/finances are important but I don't think that is the main issue. The fact that he is ignoring your boundaries and keeps pushing you on issues after you have said no to is more concerning. You are having doubts about marrying him, that speaks volumes. Don't marry him.

Parentofeanda · 28/02/2024 18:28

definitely dont marry, this happened to my mums friend. The guy ended up with 50% of the house and 50% was split between her 3 children ( not his )

was awful, they were only together 4 years, married a year

NewFriendlyLadybird · 28/02/2024 18:28

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:55

I wrote a will when my second child was born leaving everything to both my kids so if I dont change that will he still have a claim on the house?

You need to see a solicitor. If you get married, yes he will have a claim. But if you’re thinking that way, I don’t think you should get married.

Mrsgreen100 · 28/02/2024 18:28

Don’t marry him , but choose to charge he rent
you could loose half your home
been there done that
if he wants to buy his own place and rent it out do that instead

Towerofsong · 28/02/2024 18:35

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 14:55

I wrote a will when my second child was born leaving everything to both my kids so if I dont change that will he still have a claim on the house?

I believe that as soon as you get married, that will would be considered superseded by your marriage

BusyMummy001 · 28/02/2024 18:36

MirageAC · 28/02/2024 18:28

This website provides a pretty good summary on the issue at hand: https://www.birkettandcosolicitors.co.uk/what-happens-to-property-if-i-owned-before-marriage/

The paragraph on ‘mingling’ is important - ie, if DP pays for improvements on the property once married, then the asset may come to be considered a matrimonial asset. It all gets messy and would end up in a nasty court case…

Knackeredmommy · 28/02/2024 18:37

Have you told him that you plan to leave the house to your kids and not put him on the deeds?
People on MN always tell women with assets to not remarry but surely women do and can protect their interests, you need proper legal advice.
That being said, he sounds dodgy and is already acting like the house is his..

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 28/02/2024 18:37

Why would you marry him? There's no benefit to you or your child. All risk is weighted towards you.

Berthatydfil · 28/02/2024 18:39

Dont marry him. Why would you if you dont have or want joint children.

You arent bringing equal assets into the marriage and he is already showing a posessive nature to your house - this will get worse when married.

If you get married any previous will gets invalidated and he will inherit most of your estate unless you make a new will “ in contemplation of marriage to mr x”
However even if you did that he could still claim your estate if you were married and you didn't make provision for him.

So he could easily disinherit your children fully or substantially.

Dont marry him.

Starspangledrodeopony · 28/02/2024 18:47

You’re his cash cow, you know that right?

You’re his path to property ownership.

Don’t marry him. Get him out.

Renamed · 28/02/2024 18:49

Look, marriage is essentially a financial contract, always has been, whether that meant as formerly that a husband controlled all his wife’s property, or whether he only gets a portion on divorce. If you want 100% of the house for your kids you’d better not marry. Doesn’t mean you have to split up.

pokebowls · 28/02/2024 18:59

NuttellaAndPuppyLover · 28/02/2024 15:11

If you put the marry him / not marry him aside, you can buy the new house as tenants in common. This is what I am doing - and you can stipulate who owns what % and who pays mortgage / bills etc. you'll have to do a deed trust (in which you'd also specify that your portion goes to your kids on your death). I'm paying a solicitor about 600 quid to have this done and will then pay for our wills to be written. In my case I don't have doubts but we are both aware I'm putting in more equity so I'll own more than half the house.

This or just don't get married. He can live in your house and pay half bills plus extra (less than rent but enough to pay for living in your house) but just don't get married. You have dc. You have no intention of having more. There is absolutely nothing in it for you to get married

HarrietStyles · 28/02/2024 19:01

suziesue45 · 28/02/2024 15:09

I'm not sure if its fair to say I dont trust him, I told him no to the fence and my reasons why and he said he was looking into it for us and our home and to make the value higher (not sure a fence would do that mind) and he always seems to have an excuse as to why he's doing certain things. He has his own business and has a will where his business partner gets that if anything was to happen to him so he has that as an asset but with it being a business its nothing he could do much with to get funding for a house really so that doesnt help me.

I do honestly love him and he is an amazing person I'm just a bit worried with the financial side of things and I dont want my kids to have nothing if the worst happens.

So you get married, and you die - your old will is invalid and he gets the house.

But if he dies, his business is left to his business partner, not you.

Doesn’t sound fair does it?

If you really must get married - speak to the best lawyer you can afford and make sure your home is protected. And then make a new will after the marriage to make your wishes clear.

Whiskerson · 28/02/2024 19:08

Stormbornform · 28/02/2024 16:09

If you are marrying him you are combining assets and financially supporting each other. If you don't want to do this then don't get married (but then don't expect the relationship to continue - there are plenty of threads on here by women in your partner's position told to leave the relationship if he's not prepared to commit financially via marriage)

They are told this when they have, or are planning to have, children with him. This comment seems quite disingenuous, given that the OP says she isn't planning on having children with this man. You must know there is no end of men wanting a woman to bear his children without marrying her.

minmooch · 28/02/2024 19:25

I live with my partner in his house. It is our home but it is his house. I own my own house that I rent out.

We will not get married for all the financial implications. My partners house will go to his kids on his death and my house to my child on mine.

I don't pay towards any structural items at our home, and neither does my partner pay anything to my house.

We are not going to have children together so there is no need to merge finances.

We have lived together for 6 years and are no less committed for not being married.

If we were going to have children together I would approach our situation differently but there is no need.

If I was in your situation, kids own your own home outright, partner has no assets of how own I would not in any way consider marriage.

godmum56 · 28/02/2024 19:29

LISTEN to what his behaviour is saying DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

LiveLaughCryalot · 28/02/2024 19:32

Why would you hand over half of something that you have worked incredibly hard for and may secure your children's future? Is he that good? I'm a parent and I just cant imagine putting anyone else before my kids. He's just a man OP, he's not gold plated, he's not your saviour. He is just a man.
If you don't plan on having children together then why would you risk it? Tbh, I wouldn't marry him even if you were planning children.
I would say the same to a bloke posting too if he was in your situation.
You need to wise up, I can't believe a grown woman who has a good job and owns her own house, didn't know that marriage invalidates a will. I'll bet he knows.

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