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Original poster

Meeting Boyfriend's Daughter -age gap relationship advice

247 replies

Stepppingontoes · 27/02/2024 20:00

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

OP posts:
SomePosters · 27/02/2024 20:04

Only advice is to get away from this creep and look for someone at a comparable stage of life.

There is a reason women his own age didn’t want him… probably lots of reasons that will become apparent to you

Rania78 · 27/02/2024 20:05

He has to talk to her now. You are basically 5 years older than her. Literally very close. She will be shocked. Please insist that he talks to her.

Prawncow · 27/02/2024 20:05

Run.

Loopytiles · 27/02/2024 20:05

urgh, his poor DD.

Rania78 · 27/02/2024 20:06

SomePosters · 27/02/2024 20:04

Only advice is to get away from this creep and look for someone at a comparable stage of life.

There is a reason women his own age didn’t want him… probably lots of reasons that will become apparent to you

100%

And he found a young one he is able to manioulate.

Whattodo2024 · 27/02/2024 20:08

Grim

YouTulip · 27/02/2024 20:08

Well, she’s his daughter, even if she’s pretty much your age, so shouldn’t he be the one deciding, or asking her what she’d like to do?

A pub quiz sounds weirdly avoidant to me — like ‘Let’s think about European capitals in case we run out of conversation, or in case she screams ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS, DAD?’

AnotherCoffeeBreak · 27/02/2024 20:08

If you’re going to proceed, he absolutely MUST tell his daughter about your age before you meet her so she can process it. I would’ve been really upset and shocked if my 40 ye old Dad had introduced me to a woman closer to my age.

I have to say, though…are you really sure about this? Why are you moving into his house? You are at a stage of life where you should be building your own life, not latching on to a middle aged man’s life. That’s not a criticism. I’d just be worried if you were my friend or sister or daughter.

titchy · 27/02/2024 20:10

I'm shocked you thought of yourself as a step parent tbh. Grim. And why is it on you to suggest where to go or tell her how old you are? Why not him. Eyes open OP - he's getting you to do his 'wife work' already.

Ilovelurchers · 27/02/2024 20:15

Hmm, the replies are a bit harsh here. I don't think ALL age gap relationships are doomed personally - my mom and dad have a similar sized gap to you, and I like to think my dad is not a sleaze (they are still together now over 50 years later, so if he was a sleaze he kept his speaking quite isolated - I don't exactly know what "sleaze means in this context to be honest).

It's hard to know how his daughter will react, as we don't know her. But I myself have had an age happy relationship in the past where my eldest step son was only a few years younger than me (I was nearly 40 when I got into the relationship mind). I just treated the kids like friends really - I didn't try to take a maternal role particularly - indeed if anything they probably wanted me to take more of a maternal role than I did.

The only one I am still in touch with since that relationship ended a few years ago is the youngest of my four step kids (younger but still an adult). He and I get on well because we have stuff in common and can discuss anything, and maybe because I don't judge him in the way his parents tend to - it's kind of like a "cool aunty" relationship if anything.....

In terms of you meeting this young woman, definitely get him to tell her your age in advance, and just a quick brief meeting first of all I would suggest. Leave it up to her - maybe offer her to come out with the two of you shopping or cinema or whatever but in an unpressured way so she can decline if she prefers. Above all neither of you are obliged to have much of a relationship with each other. Nice if one grows organically, but I wouldn't force it on either side. She needs to be basically polite and respectful to you but that's all.

NameChangeAgain0224 · 27/02/2024 20:18

So how old were you when you met? 21 and 38?

He may not have been trawling the internet for young girls but he still found one.

You are way too young to be settling down with a man this age.

Fast forward twenty years when you are his age……with a 60 year old partner. Great for him and shit for you.

And what about children, do you want those in your future because when you start wanting them he is probably going to be about 50!

I imagine his daughter will be horrified, and rightly so.

HeddaGarbled · 27/02/2024 20:24

Problem with the pub quiz, you and she, who are contemporaries, will know all the same pop culture questions, and dad will know different ones, and that elephant is going to be charging through the room trumpeting loudly.

Original poster
Stepppingontoes · 27/02/2024 20:44

YouTulip · 27/02/2024 20:08

Well, she’s his daughter, even if she’s pretty much your age, so shouldn’t he be the one deciding, or asking her what she’d like to do?

A pub quiz sounds weirdly avoidant to me — like ‘Let’s think about European capitals in case we run out of conversation, or in case she screams ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS, DAD?’

I just suggested pub quiz because I know she likes a pub quiz and so do I, but you're probably right about that. He's a lot more relaxed about it and is sure she will be fine. He said he will tell her before we meet, I'm just stressed about it because I really love him and realistically if his daughter freaks out that will mean no living together

OP posts:
FairFuming · 27/02/2024 20:45

He should be actively trying to make the first meeting as successful as possible, by not giving his daughter a heads up he is saving himself an awkward situation and putting that on to yourself and his daughter instead which is way more of a red flag then the age gap.

Does he has form for prioritising his comfort to your detriment or is this an isolated situation?

Have you told him that you are worried about her reaction if she isn't told before hand? If so what was his reaction?

Original poster
Stepppingontoes · 27/02/2024 20:45

SomePosters · 27/02/2024 20:04

Only advice is to get away from this creep and look for someone at a comparable stage of life.

There is a reason women his own age didn’t want him… probably lots of reasons that will become apparent to you

Historically he's only had relationships with women 5 years either side of him

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepppingontoes · 27/02/2024 20:48

AnotherCoffeeBreak · 27/02/2024 20:08

If you’re going to proceed, he absolutely MUST tell his daughter about your age before you meet her so she can process it. I would’ve been really upset and shocked if my 40 ye old Dad had introduced me to a woman closer to my age.

I have to say, though…are you really sure about this? Why are you moving into his house? You are at a stage of life where you should be building your own life, not latching on to a middle aged man’s life. That’s not a criticism. I’d just be worried if you were my friend or sister or daughter.

He has a nicer house than me lol I've been living on my own since 17 and it's just the next logical stage in our relationship. I wasn't looking for this but I fell in love. He has agreed to talk to her, obviously I don't know her and he does and he's convinced she'll be fine with it, but I don't know if that's just wishful thinking

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 27/02/2024 20:49

I think she is unlikely to welcome you with open arms, OP.

Would you be thrilled if you discovered your Dad's new girlfriend was 25?

chrisfromcardiff · 27/02/2024 20:51

Stepppingontoes · 27/02/2024 20:00

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

If you really love this man, continue with the relationship, but PLEASE don't move in with him. You need to be building your own autonomous lifestyle in your own place. Have you discussed his feelings on housekeeping, cooking, money sharing? Given that he is so much older he may have more antiquated views than someone as young as you and sees you as the housekeeper he has been missing. Additionally, have you read through the many, many posts in the step -parenting section of Mumsnet? A lot of them reflect not very happy lives for the "stepmom." Even though you probably think you won't be in that role, you will be sharing the dad's house with his daughter, at least part-time. From what I have read, it can be hell. Please do a lot of reading in that section before proceeding with this. I wish you all the best.

Original poster
Stepppingontoes · 27/02/2024 20:51

titchy · 27/02/2024 20:10

I'm shocked you thought of yourself as a step parent tbh. Grim. And why is it on you to suggest where to go or tell her how old you are? Why not him. Eyes open OP - he's getting you to do his 'wife work' already.

I'm new poster so I didn't know where it would fit in best. He's not making me talk to her he's gonna do it I'm just stressed about it cos I want it to go as well as possible

OP posts:
Foxblue · 27/02/2024 20:53

If I'm honestly, the fact that he didn't say to himself 'oh she's far too close to my daughters age, this is weird, I don't want to be known as that Creepy dad' and not date you is red flag 1. Red flag 2 is that he hasn't told his daughter how old you are, which means he knows how it looks/knows she won't react well.
Like, I'm in my 30s and 23 year olds seem young - I just wouldn't be able to see them as suitable to dare at all?

Whattodo112222 · 27/02/2024 20:55

He sounds creepy op

Original poster
Stepppingontoes · 27/02/2024 20:56

Ilovelurchers · 27/02/2024 20:15

Hmm, the replies are a bit harsh here. I don't think ALL age gap relationships are doomed personally - my mom and dad have a similar sized gap to you, and I like to think my dad is not a sleaze (they are still together now over 50 years later, so if he was a sleaze he kept his speaking quite isolated - I don't exactly know what "sleaze means in this context to be honest).

It's hard to know how his daughter will react, as we don't know her. But I myself have had an age happy relationship in the past where my eldest step son was only a few years younger than me (I was nearly 40 when I got into the relationship mind). I just treated the kids like friends really - I didn't try to take a maternal role particularly - indeed if anything they probably wanted me to take more of a maternal role than I did.

The only one I am still in touch with since that relationship ended a few years ago is the youngest of my four step kids (younger but still an adult). He and I get on well because we have stuff in common and can discuss anything, and maybe because I don't judge him in the way his parents tend to - it's kind of like a "cool aunty" relationship if anything.....

In terms of you meeting this young woman, definitely get him to tell her your age in advance, and just a quick brief meeting first of all I would suggest. Leave it up to her - maybe offer her to come out with the two of you shopping or cinema or whatever but in an unpressured way so she can decline if she prefers. Above all neither of you are obliged to have much of a relationship with each other. Nice if one grows organically, but I wouldn't force it on either side. She needs to be basically polite and respectful to you but that's all.

I really appreciate this advice, I think the shopping thing is a great idea. I don't really want to be a 'step parent' as such, I just posted in there first because it seemed to make sense. The kind of relationship you describe with your step kids sounds more like what I want, but if she wants hardly anything to do with me I would also be happy to facilitate that. I think giving her as much control as possible is probably the way forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepppingontoes · 27/02/2024 20:58

HeddaGarbled · 27/02/2024 20:24

Problem with the pub quiz, you and she, who are contemporaries, will know all the same pop culture questions, and dad will know different ones, and that elephant is going to be charging through the room trumpeting loudly.

This did make me laugh, very very good point! I think I'll stick to my regular pub quiz team in retrospect

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 27/02/2024 21:00

if my dad had introduced me to his bloody 23 year old girlfriend when I was 18 I would’ve caused absolute hell if I’m being honest.
An actual nightmare if I’m honest.

hopefully she’s not as forthright as me and just is rude in her group chat.

there’s nothing to be said or done to smooth it over, just be nice and normal. Don’t be a suck up it’s embarrassing.

there no smoothing over the elephant in the room, either she’ll get over it. Or she’ll think is gross and stay away till you break up or get married.

Lemsipper · 27/02/2024 21:00

What on earth is he thinking? Of course he must prep her on your age beforehand. Id be really creeped out if my dad was dating someone who was 23 so having time to process it would be the bare minimum.