Meeting Boyfriend's Daughter -age gap relationship advice

[Stepppingontoes]

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

Oh just spotted a typo omission mistake on my post
I ment,
why don't you date men of similar ages of yourself ect @Stepppingontoes ?

It’s not your issue but he needs to tell her your age. It will come as a shock if he doesn’t. Plus if you’re planning on living with her at times you need to make sure you get on. Does he want the same things as you in the future. I wouldn’t plan things I would just go with the flow and treat her like you would your friends as they are similar age I guess!

I know you can't help who you fall for, but I have honestly never 'got' why a young woman just out of her teens would want to be in a relationship with a 40 year old man. Virtually old enough to be her dad. It is a massive power imbalance as some people have said, and it is a bit icky. I can see why HE wants to be with a young fit young woman, but I can't see why SHE wants to be with him. Not long term anyway!

I am guessing that he comes across and as older, wiser, mature, and sensible, not a flighty, flaky buggar - or snappy and a bit aggressive like (some) younger 'men. And she's all excited - with these 'he'll look after me and nurture me and guide me and teach me so much, and 'older men are so good in bed' kind of thoughts.

But I don't think many of these relationships can work long-term. I know some people come onto these threads, and say their parents/aunt & uncle/nan and grandad etc etc etc, had a 25 year age gap and they are still together 40 years later etc etc etc, but IMO, these are the exception, rather than the rule.

And quite honestly I have known very VERY few age-gap couples in real life. There was one couple who I met who were neighbours of DH when I first met him... He was 42, she was 21. They had started seeing each other at 36 and 15. Yes really. It was 30 years ago, and even then people were like He was a friend of the girl's dad, and it caused an absolute shitstorm.

They got married at 19 and 40, and most of the 2 sides of the families, didn't come. There was around 20 people out of 50 invited who actually came. They had 2 kids close together when she was 21 and 23, and when the kids were 15 and 13 (and she was 36 and he was 57,) she left him. Moved in with her parents for a while til she was allocated a council house. Said she hated being with a boring old man who moaned all day, and had constant health ailments. And she had no intention of being his 'carer.'

Another couple are one I know now. She is 29 and he is 57. For some reason, she is obsessed with him, and is his admin clerk, his nurse, his maid, his secretary, his sex partner, and everything he wants her to be. They have been together for 3 years, and her friends say she has turned from a vibrant, go-getting, fun-loving, ambitious mid 20-something, to a boring, dull, miserable, old woman who NEVER goes out with people her own age now, and dresses like she's 65. Their words. Don't shoot the messenger!

I also used to know a woman, some 15 years ago who was 42-43, and was with a bloke 20 years younger. All she did was brag about how 'great' the sex was, how she would HATE to be with an old man in his 30s or 40s like us other women in the office, and how much better in bed her man was () and how he had soooo much energy. Upshot was, he was dull and boring, never acknowledged her friends, rarely spoke to her family, and sat on his arse all day, refusing to get a job, just living off her. Utter cocklodger. Yet she thought we were all jealous of her with our 'ancient' husbands between 33 and 46. PMSL!

But yeah tl;dr. I am not a fan of age gap relationships, I would never get into one, and I can't see how they can work out long term.

You need to closely observe how he treats others and the relationships he already has. This will indicate how he will treat you in the future.

He is happy to ambush his daughter. Guess her feelings for her without asking her/prepping her. He is happy to move someone into her home without thinking about how that impacts her. This is a selfish immature mentality. He isn't even recognising that it's just oh it'll be fine.

You have anxiety about it you're concerned for her - that's empathy he isn't showing he has learnt empathy despite having an extra 20 years on you and all the life experiences that would naturally develop it like having children. He isn't providing either of you with any emotional support or care about a meeting that's potentially going to damage his relationship with his daughter or with you.
It's very selfish.

This is the time in the relationship he is on his best behaviour. I'd expect your life to be very lonely and unequal if you were to stay with him.

She hasn't been a teen for 4 years,

This is spot on and really good advice.

He may know his daughter well, but unless he's done this to her before with previous girlfriends, how can he possibly assume he knows how she'll react or that she'll be okay with it?

A good man would have been thinking on this for a while. He would understand that his daughter will naturally find it creepy or uncomfortable to think of her dad with someone who is basically her own age. She may well be defensive about her mum's feelings, she may well feel aggrieved that he is behaving in such a cliched way, and she might feel that he is breaking a boundary as her dad by not protecting her from skeevy male behaviour. Would he be okay with her dating a 40 year old?

A good man would want to give her time and space to feel comfortable with the idea and only when she was okay would he think about introducing you to her. And then he would be thinking carefully about how to do that, working with you on a strategy for how you approach her, and making sure that you feel comfortable, because he would understand your natural anxiety about the situation.

Instead, what you've got is a man who tells you to trust him, it'll be fine. He wasn't even going to tell his daughter until you insisted on it!

Come on, OP. You're young and in love, but surely you can see this man does not treat the people closest to him in a loving and kind way? Where is his empathy for his daughter and for you? Why isn't he showing any leadership in this situation? Where's his instinct as a dad to protect his daughter?

Sorry, I know I've said a lot on this thread but I hope some of it is making you think, OP.

What kind of relationships do you have with your family and especially your father then?
My relationship with my family is good, I see them almost every Sunday for church and Sunday dinner. I love my dad, he has always treated my mum really well and I can count on one hand the number of times he's raised his voice at me or any woman. He has his flaws, but he can't help being scouse 😂.

Like I said, I didn't go out looking to date someone older than me, I wasn't looking to date anyone at the time we met, wasn't online dating, didn't give my number out, politely declined people who chatted me up when I was out. I just really liked him as soon as I met him even though I wasn't planning to.

I remember when I was 23 ish and I started dating a 30 year old and even that age gap seemed huge.

I remember telling my parents and they weren’t too impressed.

My sister is 43 and has a partner who is 16 years younger than her and I find it so uncomfortable. He’s just so, so young. She is the happiest she has ever been but I find it very hard to be in his company because it’s like being around a child.

My husband is 43 and after reading this thread yesterday I asked him if he could ever be in a relationship with someone in their early twenties and it was a definite no. He said when he meets women of that age they just seem so young and it would be so inappropriate to even think of them in “that way”. He said he can’t understand at all why a man in his 40’s would want to be with someone in their early 20’s unless it was sex based, status based, or if he liked having some level of control or power over her.

One of DH’s friends is early 40’s and he likes younger women, said he wouldn’t date anyone over 25 and to be fair we all just think it’s so grim. It’s predatory behaviour.

You come across as very naive OP.

A previous poster said something along the lines of you perhaps being drawn to him because he can offer you some form of stability and security and whilst that may be the case, you need to really think about the future you want and whether being with someone 20 years older than you may hold you back.

As for his friends, yeah they're older than me, but I still find them quite easy to get along with, they all seem to really like me, and they say they've never seen him happier. My friends like him, but he doesn't hang out with them extensively, which I understand because frankly why would he want to sit around all day and drink pink gin with us! I have more in common with his friends than he has with mine, but I think that kind of comes with the territory of our age gap.
This to me really stood out.

Your boyfriend doesn't hang out much with your friends because there's a natural, and understandable, maturity gap.

Whereas his friends are older, more experienced and are probably well versed in socialising with a range of people so it doesn't feel awkward.

I could be way off base here but it sounds like you might have fallen into the trap of thinking you're mature for your age and that's why boyfriend is interested and his friends are friendly.

The talk of meeting his daughter, moving in, possibly having children in a short time frame seems quite like a rushed fairytale. I'm not opposed to age gap relationships but there's a lot of factors here that feel imbalanced.

Living alone since 17 - lots of people have mentioned this so I just want to say it's not because I was kicked out or anything horrible. I moved out because my younger cousin was moving in with my parents due to serious issues at home and I moved so she could have my room. My choice, wasn't forced or anything. Had some financial help here and there to start with from my parents (deposit, stuff for my flat, the odd bit of help with my heating bill while I got used to budgeting, and the occasional treat). I didn't leave because I was abused or something horrible happened to me, and I didn't move super far. I understand why people assume the worst but it wasn't like that.

Wait - your parents moved you out at 17 so they could give your cousin your room? That's so sad, OP. How hurtful. I'm sure you were doing the kind, 'mature' thing, but you were too young to be out on your own. Why didn't you go to uni and move into halls?

No wonder you're drawn to this guy. He's old enough to be your dad, and he treats you with that kind of authority - teaching you and guiding you, taking care of you financially etc.

But unfortunately, the rest of the experience is likely to be replayed here, too. I.e. he will move you out in order to move in someone younger. We replay the dramas in our life until they're resolved.

Sorry in advance to sound like an armchair psychologist, but that sounds like you took on a very adult role in the family when you were still very young and in need of being looked after and guided as you stepped out into the world. Presumably your cousin also consumed everyone’s attention, not just your literal place in the family home. And now you are with a significantly older man who is advising and supporting you. It’s not wrong to want those things, but getting them from a romantic relationship that will close a lot of options down for you might be more tempting if you are deep down feeling a bit of a wound around not having them when you should have? And at the same time you’re the one now worrying about the impact on someone else, a young woman, and he’s not actually fulfilling his dad role to her very well by not talking to her in advance. Not a good sign that his support and guidance can always be relied on in the long term.

He does hang out with my friends sometimes and I still spends a lot of time with them. I have made sure I am not isolated from them and don't ditch them for him - it's annoying when anyone disappears as soon as they get a partner, regardless of age gap. We do somethings with my friends like pub quizzes and if we go out for the day, but no he doesn't want to come clubbing with us (even on 80s/90s night 😂). He has no issues with me going out and having a life, he is supportive of it which is something important to me.
I've just posted addressing why I moved out so young, it wasn't abuse or anything horrible it was for logistical reasons and I was supported while I settled in. I understand why people assume the worst when I say I was out at 17 but it's not like that.

I'm asking for advice because I am anxious.
As for the first marriage, they split up because she left him for someone else who she is still with. I have had this confirmed by other people so I know it's true (I was suspicious of it when he first told me). I have briefly met her once and she seems nice but can't say I know much about her other than that. His ex gf was around 4 years after they divorced and they were together for 2 years - still amicable.

What will you do if his daughter isn't happy about you?

OP your 21, live your life. I wish I could tell my 21 year old self this.

Dont be looking to settle down and make house with a 40year old man, you're at two different stages in life and you'll regret it should it not work out. Also remember, there will be a reason it didn't work out with the older women. Younger girls are easier to manipulate, I dont mean that to sound horrible but its really true

I was a 10 min walk from my parent's house so I used to go back all the time, it doesn't seem like a bad thing or a big deal to me but maybe I will look back when I'm older and resent them for it - but I really don't right now. I didn't move to halls because I was doing my advanced highers (to go at 18) instead of going at 17. I had the option to share a room with my sister but she snores.

You only want a baby so soon because of his age. You're a baby with daddy issues, don't be a cliche. Go to therapy and fix yourself..stay away from creepy old men.

I've thought about this a lot, I would probably give it some time at first, make an effort, see what she wants. If she wasn't happy no way would I move in or be around when she's at home. I would try and express that I love her dad, not after his money or anything like that - but only if she would give me the time of day, no point telling her all that if she is too angry or upset to listen. I would probably give it a year and if she still was adamantly against it I guess I would have to leave, because at the end of the day her relationship with her dad is more important than my relationship with him. I would be devastated, but because of how much I care about my dad I do see that their relationship is more important.

I've told him this and he said time is probably an important factor but that he thinks she will be okay because he is happy. I think maybe this is naive on his part but then again I don't know her. I would want my dad to be happy, but I also can't really relate because he's with my mum and not going anywhere.

My cousin, that I dearly love, entered into a very similar situation. Ultimately she was hurt and so I instinctively want to warn you away from this relationship. I think you should pay a lot of attention to how he regards his daughter's feelings. It will tell you a lot about him and how he will treat you. Please keep your eyes open.

Wow. Harsh replies!

Consider your future in the relationship before you take it further. When you are 43 (middle aged?) he'll be a 60 year old man. If you marry then you could be a step grandparent before you are 30 and if you have a family together he'll potentially have children and grandchildren the same age. You'll very much always be at different stages of life.

Once all of that is seriously considered and you are as sure as you can be then meet the daughter. Im not sure her dad needs to address the age difference before you meeting? If she chooses to raise it afterwards with her father then that's between them.

When I was 19 my dad introduced me to his then girlfriend, like you she was 5 years older than me. The responsibility is absolutely not yours, but please encourage your boyfriend to tell his daughter beforehand. I was blindsided and (rightly or wrongly) really uncomfortable. Had I walked into the cafe where we met and my dad had just acted like it was completely ‘normal’ it would have been even more awkward. Honestly had I not known already, I think I might have assumed she was someone else, and my dad was waiting for his girlfriend to join us.

As for what you should do when you meet, do nothing. You’re meeting your contemporary, she could easily be a friend of one of your friends. Any attempt to ‘force’ a bond I think will be really uncomfortable.

My dad and his girlfriend stayed together for a few years after I met her, and we got on. But we both knew it was odd.

How would you feel if your parents split up and your dad started dating someone your age?

Yes, it is. The ageism and steriotyping is ridiculous. And of course dragging out the "your brain is not fully formed" bullshit to a 23 yr old. Funny how we used to be functioning adults, often married with children or with a career at that age.

when my parents split up my dad began a relationship with someone who was 7 years older than me. We got on well, I never saw her as a mother figure and she never tried to be anything other than a friend. She had been through similar with her parents so was in many ways more supportive than my dad was able to be. They were together for about 5 years in the end and we never had any issues. I really liked her, I could see she had empathy for me and advocated for me with my dad when he just didn’t get some of the emotional stuff.

although in a weird twist of events highlighting the age gap her younger brother pursued a relationship with me, he was only a couple of years older… 😂

I hope it works out well for you all. I do agree with some of the comments regarding being careful not to isolate yourself/become too dependent on him just yet. I speak from experience when I say that you can’t really know someone fully in just a year.