Meeting Boyfriend's Daughter -age gap relationship advice

[Stepppingontoes]

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

Well said @Sashya and @5128gap
I want a 60 year old man when.. shock horror.. I'm 60.

I get the compulsion to want kids but I don't get the rush. You are only 23. That's young. Look at the stats, look at education levels of younger Mums, look at outcomes.

Why are you not fussed about a career. It all sounds odd tbh.

It feels like the leaving home at 17 has had some strange influence.

Well this is the thing @LunaNorth we are all projecting from our own experience when we post.

Those who are in long term relationships or marriage with an older male partner may feel defensive or concerned when reminded of the stats about men and ageing.

Those of us ( in our 40s) getting unwanted 'likes' from men in their 60s (rather than men of our own age) get called bitter. That's fine I'm thick skinned enough to own my bitterness, but I'd still rather be single than date most of these much older men on the apps thanks.

Exactly.. bitter for wanting someone our own age like a normal person!

Final update:
Hi, thanks for all your feedback and help. I have taken comments into account and will be careful. The one about writing boundaries down and checking in each month is actually great advice that I will take forward in all my relationships, romantic or not.
He spoke to his daughter over lunch today. We are meeting Sunday for drinks and food. She was surprise apparently but wanted to meet me, she was apparently a bit shocked, asked how we met, what I do, and some other questions. She has requested to follow me on instagram which I accepted. I'm not going to message her and say hello or anything, my initial instinct was to like some photos or say hi but she probably wants to process it a bit so I'm just going to leave that until Sunday. Her Dad said he will check in and ask if she still wants to come later next week and also made it clear she can wait longer if she wants, Sunday was her choice and she picked where we are going.
Obviously I wasn't there to see her reaction, but the fact she's willing to come and suggested a date and place is a good sign. Also if she does back out I wouldn't be surprised or anything, I did think Sunday was kind of soon, but that's when she's next free and if that's what she wants that's great with me. I'm very happy she (seems) keen.

that’s a really offensive remark. It may not be as common to have an age gap but it’s not abnormal. I’ve been in relationships my own age and would pick my 15 year older DH every single time trust me this relationship is the most ‘normal’ I’ve ever been in. You sounded more bigoted than bitter!!

Good luck OP I expect it'll be really awkward but you sound sensible and thoughtful so hopefully you'll make it work in the long run.

My only advice is give up on any ideas of being like a step mum or auntie because that implies some sort of hierarchy. Just be someone that coexists alongside them without imposing.
Also, no matter what happens just make sure you keep out of any daddy daughter disputes. It sounds obvious but I imagine it could be easy to get drawn in.

At least you and his dd will have loads in common roughly the same age and both at uni.

Poor advice.
Age is just a number op.
If your happy with your op don't worry about anyone else.
Its none of their business.
Some of the happiest and longest relationships I've known have been with people with age gaps.
People of the same age break up all the time don't they.
Can't be the age then, it's the relationship between two people that's Important.

His daughter should be happy for her dad not horrified.

He might not like all her choices.
Life's hard enough what right have people got to put pressure on others.

Lots of men have children later in life, sometimes they make better dad's.
You sound incredibly naive.

The way he communicates seems to be a bit of a red flag to me.
He seems to shut you down by saying "don't worry about it" and not letting you express or discuss your concerns about anything with him.

Does he do that for other things?

In a way it can seem like a good thing because it can come across like the person is trying to not let you worry about things, but it can be incredibly frustrating/maddening/dismissive if that's how they handle everything.

Just read the whole thread OP, and now that you realise that you have daddy issues, have been abused as a teenager, and are now dating a predator that will eventually manipulate and abuse in any and every way possible just cos he's older than you, I just want to wish you good luck in meeting the daughter and hope it all goes well.

But as in any relationship you should be aware of dynamics shifting, and remember a man doesn't have to be older than you to be an asshole to you 😉

@Tillybud81 don’t be so condescending and patronising and wise up. You’ve absolutely no place or justification to say that whatsoever.

What?! Who am I being condescending to? All the psychoanalysts on here that have decided all sorts of things about this poor woman?

And why don't I have justification to say it?

Are you ok?

This would gross me out if it was my dad dating a 23 year old when I was 18 myself. Why can’t he date his own age? 🤮

Everything else aside and taking a non-judgemental approach to motivations, have you considered the physical and emotional consequences of such an age gap? At a time of life she he will probably be slowing down and feeling the consequences of ageing and s lifetime of work you will not be. That 17 years can be a big difference and catch up with both of you. If you are thinking of moving in it's obviously a serious relationship. Have both of you thought about kids and what that means -for them and both of you?

Age gaps are not necessarily wrong but there are some pretty big consequences which should not be ignored.

He doesn't do the 'you're so mature for your age' thing that a lot of older men do, but he has helped me reflect on my behaviour at times and it's resulted in me realising I have been immature or harsh. He doesn't make fun of me for it or make me feel bad about it though which I appreciate.

Are you immature though or are you just 23?

There are different stages of adulthood and maturity and we tend to reach them as life naturally progresses and we learn through our own mistakes or life experiences.

If I was 40 dating a 23 year old (I wouldn't) then I would expect them to be a lot more immature than me.

I couldn’t date someone who was obviously more immature than me. I’m 33 and wouldn’t date someone 23 for this exact reason. I know women are generally more mature than men anyway, but there’s a big power imbalance here. I have a friend who married someone 15 years older than her and he’s subjected her to years and years of abuse because he’s so insecure. IMHO insecure men tend to go for younger, more naive women. It’s not always the case but it’s quite common. Be very careful.

Hi OP. I hope all went well today when you met the daughter! Best wishes for whatever you choose to do.

I can't believe how negative the comments are. The OP sounds switched on and sensible and is asking for advice about meeting the daughter. She isn't asking for relationship advice.

And I don't think it is appropriate for anyone on here to inform the OP of the psychological consequences of leaving home at 17, of which she is unaware. Especially when so many posters are assuming her older boyfriend is condescending.

I hope it all goes well.

How did it go?