Meeting Boyfriend's Daughter -age gap relationship advice

[Stepppingontoes]

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

@Rosindub I don’t think so!

I don’t think that’s true, people are talking about their own relationships. And personally if I was suddenly single tomorrow I would have no interest in a man my age who dates girls half that age, would much rather be single. The concern about power imbalance comes from things like the OP saying that he’s explaining to her how to be less “immature and harsh”, how to relate to her friends, and what to do with her money.

There is always an element on these threads of fury that a single older man has been removed from the potential marriage market dressed up in faux concern about power imbalance.

I think the majority of 40 year old women wouldn't want to be with a single man who had dated a 23 year old because they would be put off that he felt comfortable doing so.

His prerogative of course but I think it's quite misogynistic to say that women are jealous / bitter about a man being taken off the market if it's a man they wouldn't want to date.

Yeah it would be a red flag to me.
The poster you quoted has a point though, there is a shortage of men in 40s for women in their 40s etc, the women don't want to have to go older, they want a man their age. It's messed up. So yeah it bothers them and is coming out on this thread. As well as issues about power imbalance etc

Ah, OP.

I was in about two year relationship when I was 22 with a 42 year old. I wasn't in love with him, but I did fancy him and liked him, and we did live together. Basically, it was fun. He was fun, very good looking, athletic, rich and liked to party. We lived in his penthouse in a city centre, traveled together, partied, went places. Life was a blur.

I don't regret a thing. Contrary to the popular belief here, he wasn't a creep, wasn't abusive, controlling, mean or coercive. I have no scars, trauma or regrets. He hadn't hurt me in any way. He actually did propose, but I didn't want to marry him and we drifted apart.

I wasn't serious with him and wasn't sure I'd like to be with him in long term, so my advice to you would be: don't rush into a 'serious' relationship/responsibilities/family life, DO NOT under any circumstances get pregnant now, and don't make him your 'whole world': keep your job, your friends, your studies, your money. At least for now, for a few years. Until you're REALLY sure. Otherwise I see no problem.

As for the daughter - it could go either way. But I, for one, disagree she will definitely be shocked and disgusted. Maybe so, maybe no. If my dad shacked up with much younger woman - I honestly wouldn't care. Well I'm 36 now, my dad's 60, so hopefully he wouldn't date 20 year olds, but a woman 20 years younger? Or even 30 years younger? Honestly, why would I even care, they both would be adults and my dad's private life/relationships are not my business. Same as my relationships are not his.

That said, I think he should tell her your age in advance.

I always liked and dated older men. Some time after the aforementioned fling I married a man one year older than me. It didn't work, we divorced three years after. Now my partner is again quite a bit older than me. We don't live together, I don't want to. He doesn't 'control me', we both have our money. Life's good and you like what you like.

@Shadowonasun could you have afforded to live in a penthouse without this boyfriend when you were 22?

This is all so yuck. A 42 year old shouldn't even be thinking of a 22 year old like that. Men that age are kids to me.
Was he like peter pan, really immature for his age?

He doesn't do the 'you're so mature for your age' thing that a lot of older men do, but he has helped me reflect on my behaviour at times and it's resulted in me realising I have been immature or harsh

Ugh, that sounds awful. He's correcting you like a child.

I've 4 kids in their 20s and 30s and I can't get my head around a 40 year old dating a 23 year old. I find it a bit sad. I get being attracted to people of different ages but generally I'm friends with people that are a similar age to me.

You hurry to move in and have kids is also a really bad idea. What's the rush?
If you are doing a PhD then you are going to busy for a while and presumably you want to have a career afterwards. I don't get the rush to settle down.

I've been in the situation of the daughter and have been introduced to a few of my Dads girlfriends who were close in age to me when I was in my 20s. I wasn't that fussed to be honest. I felt they were silly and I thought my Dad was a bit of a creep but as they weren't serious relationships they didn't bother me. I remember finding it funny tbh.
My son in laws Dad recently dated someone the same age as my son in law and that went down like a lead balloon.

I'm in my late 50s and the thought of being with a man in his late 70s would be very unappealing indeed.

Well my brother 28 is married to someone almost 50 and they are happy bunnies so age difference doesn't matter I don't think if your in love and its lasting. One of my friends her hubby is 19 years older and they've been married a few years and have 2 lovely children aswell. So what some find odd others will find perfectly fine

As I wrote yesterday I was that 19 year old with a 23 year old stepmum (well they married when I was 21). I am 64 now and stepmum is 68. She was married to my dad for over 40 years until he passed away at 93. They were completely devoted. I call her at least twice a week. I have a half sister (39) and 2 older brothers. My whole family get along. It can work. It depends on the people involved. My stepmum always seemed older and they got to know each other at work. My dad retired at 55 and looked after my sister whilst encouraging my stepmum in her career. They always welcomed and supported my older brothers and I. We never questioned their relationship as they were so good together and included us.

I think it can work but I do believe it is the exception and not the rule. And you may see hppy couples but you never knownwhat is going on behind closed doors.

Honestly…who cares?? Jesus wept.

Yeah sorry, forgot we're only supposed to care what men think. Not those silly, jealous, embittered, troll-like old women who are just angry that another splendid man has been taken out of their potential dating pool.

Jesus wept, indeed.

@taylorswift1989 i wasn’t the poster who said that for the record about the man being out of the dating pool. I think that’s absurd tbh so we can agree on that.

I’m saying why would OP care what her DP’s friends or their wives think? It’s none of their business.

Nearly everyone cares what people think - especially when they're young. Other people's opinions of us can make a massive difference at certain times in your life, e.g. starting a career, moving to a new place, starting a new relationship.

Plus it matters because if your partner's friends don't like or respect you, or simply have nothing in common with you, you're going to be more isolated and it potentially puts strain on the relationship. Your partner wants to go to dinner parties with his friends but you hate going because you feel like you don't have much to talk about, or your partner goes alone and you feel left out. Or you're there with everyone's kids and they're all your age and you feel super awkward because you don't know how you fit in... All kinds of possibilities here.

When you are with someone the same stage in life as you are, you make friends together, which helps bond your relationship. You have loads of things in common, which makes you feel part of a community. Those are really healthy and important parts of life.

I'm not saying that age gap relationships can never work - clearly, some do. But in my experience, at that age I was too young to understand all the ways in which I was being damaged and diminished by my age gap relationship. Even though he was a good person and I loved him, it took a lot from me. I wish I'd had someone my own age that I could have naturally grown and experienced that time of life with.

If you care that much about what people think there's no way you can be happy. I'd like to think if OP's DP's friends and their wives were disrespectful it would be a clear cut choice for the DP to side with OP. You're making soooo many assumptions here though. I have a 15 year age gap with my husband. A few snide remarks made at the start, it's accepted now and how DH's friends thought or their wives though of me really had no impact whatsoever. I just think you're being a bit to narrow on this when in reality friends and their wives have little little impact. Me and DH have a group of friends (we are all very into football) and they treat me as equal and the age gap is never mentioned.

Granted there are lots of possibilities but your DP's friends and their thoughts on the relationship really should not be the pinnacle of a relationship.

OP, if you're happy and no one is getting hurt there's no reason anyone should be saying anything nasty or ageist or judgmental.

Granted there are lots of possibilities but your DP's friends and their thoughts on the relationship really should not be the pinnacle of a relationship.

I never said that they should be or were the pinnacle of a relationship? I was simply answering your question about why it does matter what others think.

You say yourself you have a group of friends with your DH and they treat you as equal. If they didn't, I'm sure it would cause problems. It doesn't mean you can't have a relationship, but it would bother you, I'm sure, if your DH's friends all disrespected you.

You're making soooo many assumptions here though.

Well, yes. I mean, so are you. Neither of us actually knows what OP's relationship is like or what's going to happen. I'm sharing my experiences that relate to the OP, you're sharing yours. I'm pointing out potential red flags, based on what OP is sharing about how her boyfriend treats her and the fact that he isn't showing consideration for her or his daughter with regards to them meeting. You're sharing your experience of having an age gap relationship that works for you. Your assumption is that OP's relationship will work out as yours has. My assumption is that it may well not work out, and I'd urge her to not get pregnant or make any financial commitments until she's really sure that this is right for her.

OP, if you're happy and no one is getting hurt there's no reason anyone should be saying anything nasty or ageist or judgmental

I think it's quite possibly the daughter who will be hurt by this relationship. Hence the OP posting in the first place.

Well if they hate me they do a great job of pretending to like me since some of them spend time with me independently and are people I consider friends. If they had been talking behind my back I would be very upset but also think it was weird they invited me to so many things.
Weirdly the only one I don't get on with super well is 26, and it's just a clash of personality. But she is still pleasant.

With regards to my PhD I am mainly doing it because I love my subject - it's not really about a job. Also I am on track to get it funded (through scholarship schemes, not my boyfriend).
As for kids, it's just something I've always wanted and have primarily dated with the intention to have children - which is why I would have said no way if you'd asked me 4 years ago if I would go out with someone so much older. While I would love my own children, I would also be open to adoption say if I found out I can't have them - because I want to be a mum, not because I want to pass on my genes or anything like that. I know it's not popular these days but having children is what I want to do more than any job. While I love my education, and think it benefits children to have a well educated mum, I see it as a passion project more than a career path.

Is that your level of understanding from this thread?

@Stepppingontoes What arrangements have you made to protect yourself financially when you move into his house?

I'm sure they don't hate you.

The last time I looked there was no shortage of middle aged men. Plenty enough for any of us who'd want one, and then some! There is admittedly probably a shortage of middle aged men that discerning women would consider. However, ones who date very young women don't really fall into that category as they are typically pretty creepy, youth obsessed (which isn't a great prospect given youth doesn't last for any of us) and/or, like the OPs man, immature and irresponsible. My point is, tempting as it is to accuse women of jealousy over the supposed great prize that is the aging man, I think you're barking up the wrong tree. If it weren't for concern for younger women, I'm sure most of us would be glad to have these sleazy characters taken out of the way.

It's great you are happy with your guy. But this thread is not about you or your relationship.
When people comment and talk about general relationship preferences - these are not based on one relationship that works/doesn't.
And in that general sense - women in their 40s do not actively chose men in their 60s as dating partners/relationship material. And they don't need or have to. It makes no sense on most levels - including the life expectancy, etc.

Men don't turn into trolls at 60. It's more that when they target 40yos on dating apps and get offended with lack of success that it gets commented on.

And that is not ageism to say that.