Meeting Boyfriend's Daughter -age gap relationship advice

[Stepppingontoes]

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

Because, like many immature people, she thinks that it is all about her, and thinks she gets to dictate to others.

I wonder what he will think of you and his daughter hit it off and become good friends…..

I wonder how he will feel seeing his GF and daughter being ‘as one’ and so close in age….

Will it make him feel like he’s got two daughters I wonder.

Will it make him see how big the age gap is when you have more in common with his daughter than you do him?

It might give him the Ick.

Be careful OP. I dated a man in his early 40s when I was in my mid 20s. He seemed lovely and I too thought that I was in love with him.

It wasn't until I got a bit older that I realised how controlling he was and how unequal the power balance in the relationship was.

I'm now in my 30s and cannot imagine dating someone in their mid 20s. You might think that you're grown up but you won't see how weird this is until you get a bit closer to his age.

He should definitely warn her of your age. Be prepared for her to take this news very badly. You are both adults of course and it's not the biggest age gap in the world, but even so she's quite likely to get the ick over it.

Or maybe some of us have been there and got the t-shirt

I wish someone had warned me when I got mixed up with an older man in my 20s

Very well put. Most of the posters on here come across as very embittered.

OP, please ignore the doom merchants and go for it!

We're all hoping he's not ever seeing OP as another daughter, however friendly she becomes with his daughter

I dated a 40 year old was 23 too OP. He looked younger and certainly didn’t seem too old to me so I understand your age gap. Women mature faster and some men ever slower than others. However, to his daughter it will seem really strange and he needs to pre-warn her. Otherwise she’ll be thinking her dad is a pervy weirdo!

Ah I feel sad that you have been living on your own since 17 😔
I'm wondering if you are looking for a father figure OP?

My two cents: If you could become a 'sister' type friend to your partner's daughter, that could be lovely. She's got a mum. She's not looking for a stepmum or second mum. She's not even looking for a sister. And actually, all of that takes a lot of pressure off of you to 'be' something. Just be yourself and be a friend.
You two could actually develop a really lovely friendship. And because you're not too much older than her, you can probably bond over music, similar interests, fashion, whatever. I actually see this potentially going in a really positive direction. It may be a bit bumpy initially. Or maybe not at all. She really might be fine about the age gap from the get go.
A pub quiz sounds like a lot of fun! That's a really good idea. Good luck, OP.

For those saying the age gap is fine, how would you feel if the OP had met the daughter first at a student group and the dad had then hit on the OP as one of his daughter’s friends? Wouldn’t that give you the ick?

@SerenityNowInsanityLater does that sound right to you, be like sisters, with one of them sleeping with the dad?

Personal choice op. But I was in love at 23 and thought I was going to marry him and have children. After 2.5 years I couldn't stand him and now at 38 I don't know what I was thinking! I was 'in love' at 25, 28 etc. you will 99.9% most likely feel differently in a few years. But if you happen to be 1% then good luck to you.

Half your age plus seven is a good rule of thumb. So as a 40 year old, the youngest person you could date without being a total sleazebag would be 27.

When I was 19 I was in a relationship with a 34 year old year. We saw each other off and on for years. He was a good man and very kind to me in lots of ways, and of course I loved him. I would have done anything for him. But now I see how damaging that relationship was to me, long term. How it changed me and took my opportunity to have all the firsts with someone my own age and stage in life. I had to grow up so fast and pretend to be a mature person when I wasn't really. It alienated me from family and friends my own age, because our lives were so different. I look back now and think that, although he wasn't a bad person and he did care about me, if he was actually a good person, he wouldn't have taken up with someone so much younger. He took so much from me without meaning to and caused so much damage.

It's not being "embittered" (what a nasty comment) It's having been there, done that and lived to tell the tale.

My dad is in his 60s, so I would probably be a bit weirded out if he dated a 23 year old, but I would still meet her if he wanted me to (partly because I'm nosey). If he started seeing someone 20 years younger or even in their 30s I would probably not be too bothered, it's his life and I would want him to be happy. I also don't really see him as an old man, because he's not sickly or frail. A lot of replies are saying 'what will you do in 20 years when your partner is 60 and old' and to me that seems strange because none of the 60 year olds I know are like that.

@Stepppingontoes what about he retires at 60 and you have another 20 years to go? What if you wait to have children until you are about 35, he will be a very old dad when your DC hit the teenage years. Maybe think when he is 70 70 not 60, in my experience of mine and DH's parents that's when health issues have become more frequent and debilitating, even if they were very fit and healthy in their 60s

As previously stated I moved 10 minutes away so my cousin could have my room when she was in need of somewhere to stay (by my own choice because I did not want to share a room with my sister). I was well looked after, had help and regular contact with my parents who saw it as an opportunity to get me ready to live alone at uni. I have a farther figure... my dad. Who I like, get on with, and spend time with. He has met my boyfriend and of course he wasn't thrilled at first, neither was my mum - but now they accept him and like him because he makes me happy and a better person.

It's not being "embittered" (what a nasty comment) It's having been there, done that and lived to tell the tale.
I agree with this. What I've noticed on a lot of threads where a young woman is asking for advice on a relationship with a much older man, especially one who has older children, is that there's a lot of posters who are willing to reflect on their own experiences to help others.

There's some maturity that comes from being able to say "looking back I thought.... This was positive.... This wasn't... On reflection I'd advise any woman looking at a similar situation to step back and take another look at the situation/look for some red flags that I didn't see until I was older and my perspective changed". I really respect people who can do that.

Update: I spoke to him today about talking to his daughter. He was planning on seeing her tomorrow for lunch, so he is going to mention it to her then. I expressed that I was reluctant about it and he said that before we do anything together he will giver her time to process it and we can go from there. I asked what he will do if she freaks out and he told me that's not for me to worry about. We are also putting off me moving in for a bit and I'm just going to move a bit closer (my lease is up and closer to his is actually better for work and studying).

I also asked why he is so sure she will be fine about it and he said he just knows her and she's his daughter etc. I pushed it a bit and he basically said she will just want him to be happy and is a 'live and let live' kind of person. I guess that makes sense, but I imagine it's easy to live and let live with others, maybe less easy when it's your dad.

In what way does he make you a better person @Stepppingontoes

@crumblingschools I don't mind working while he's retired, he will probably retire early anyway the way things are going. As for children, I have always wanted to have them younger which I know is a bit controversial in this day and age but that's just how I feel. My mum had me older and always says how much easier it was when she had my older siblings because she was young, even though there was less money. The health issue thing is a concern, probably not at 60 but I do acknowledge that it could become a problem and that even the fittest person can't beat ageing.
EDIT - just seen your response about making me a better person - he has taught me loads of things, and helps me be a bit more reflective. He doesn't do the 'you're so mature for your age' thing that a lot of older men do, but he has helped me reflect on my behaviour at times and it's resulted in me realising I have been immature or harsh. He doesn't make fun of me for it or make me feel bad about it though which I appreciate. Also a big one is stress management - I am considerably less of a stresshead and it has made my life so much better from personal relationships to grades.

Choosing lifepath involves probabilities.... Driving is dangerous, yet we do drive. To reduce risk we don't drive in broken down vehicles and without glasses, for eg. So - this is no different.

Yes, of course - you can become a carer if you end up with a person your age.
But - chances are much higher if you CHOOSE someone 20years older.

This is not personal, and is not about your life. You have made your choices and have lived it already. OP still has those choices in front of her. It's still an early relationship - she is not all in. And she needs to realise what she is choosing.

She of course does not want to hear any of that....

@Stepppingontoes The 60yos that you see around you - that you say are still spring chickens and not old looking. Do you find them sexually attractive?
If yes - then, you will be OK at 40 with a 60yo partner.
And I know you must be thinking that 40+yo women are ancient and not sexual, but you'll be really surprised. I can tell you that most of my friends in their 40s are having a lot of sex - and do NOT look at 60yos as potential partners. They are not attractive to us. And - so many men start having ED problems already into their 40s and 50s....
It's hard for you to imagine that your young looking 40yo boyfriend would start aging really quickly. And especially as he is now doing the predictable thing men do when dating younger women - dressing and acting younger. But, nature is what it is.

thing is I think, at this stage you have no idea if you will mind working when he has retired, you haven't even started your career yet.you don't REALLY appreciate that being fit doesn't protect you from illness/disability. There are loads implications that you just can't really understand, I think. obviously age gap relationships DO work for some people and you might be one of those but the odds aren't in your favour. And from an older person POV, the thought of being in a relationship with someone who is 17 years younger feels really inappropriate. proceed with caution and good luck

Do you give him similar feedback on his personality? This sounds like feedback on a good manager not a description of a good relationship.

It's not the age gap so much but the closeness in age to his daughter,that I personally find a bit icky.
He's sexually attracted to someone his child's age and that's just off putting.

"he has helped me reflect on my behaviour at times and it's resulted in me realising I have been immature or harsh"

god he's really done a number on you. He must be fucking delighted with himself, such arrogance.