Meeting Boyfriend's Daughter -age gap relationship advice

[Stepppingontoes]

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

Hi I do know his views on housekeeping and cooking and stuff like that, he's very equitable about it and a really good cook so I normally do the dishes and he cooks, we tend to split things like that. Generally he pays for most things because he earns more, and I'm pursuing education something he's very supportive of and helpful with. We will not be moving in straightaway, we've also discussed me moving close (he owns his house and I rent my flat so that's why I'm the one moving). It wouldn't be a total relocation, I could keep my job and would actually be closer to uni, I'd just be in another area of the city. We're discussing this now because my lease is up and my landlord is selling the flat

Fast forward twenty years when you are his age……with a 60 year old partner. Great for him and shit for you

Well Amal seems very happy with George Clooney.

Have you discussed his feelings on housekeeping, cooking, money sharing? Given that he is so much older he may have more antiquated views than someone as young as you

Antiquated? He's only bloody 40!

He's quite healthy so he'll probably be alright at 60 (fingers crossed I'll be alright at 40!). We've talked about children and he's open to having more. If I had them I'd probably want them sooner rather than later, probably in the next 5 years - and he knows this, which is part of the reason he thinks it's time to introduce me to his daughter

Mumsnet always thinks anything that is even a little outside the norm is awful and unspeakable.

My grandfather's second wife was only a few years older than my mum. They were a bit older than you and your dp's dd, but they got along great all their life, and now in their 80s still have a friendly relationship.

My father had partners that were only a few years older than me too, it didn't bother me at all. I in no way saw them as stepmothers, and I didn't live with them, but they seemed nice enough and made him happy, so I didn't have any objection.

He is adamant that his daughter will be fine with it, so I'm glad to hear you were fine with it. Hopefully she's like you. How would you describe the relationships with your dad's partners, like an auntie or friendly? Anymore insight into that would be helpful

That age gap is not something that would interest me but you sound like you have your head screwed on OP, so best of luck to you

Haha that was my thought too! Nothing sorts you into your generational boxes like a pub quiz!

TBH, not auntie at all, just generally friendly, not particularly close.

They were just my dad's gfs, I didn't really feel like I had an independent relationship with them, but I liked them well enough.

My mum and my step gran had a closer relationship, mostly because they had same age dc - my uncles are a little younger than me. I always delighted as a child in announcing that they were my uncles and watching people's puzzled reactions. I was very close to them, and my gf and step gran did a lot of childcare for my mum.

I was a completely different woman at thirty than what I was at 23. And then again at forty and so on.

The biggest difference was from the early twenties into my thirties.

You are younger than my daughter and my advice would be to enjoy your fling with this guy for a year or two and then you will start to see changes in yourself as you will want different things and want to do different things to what he likes to do.

His social circle will be men and their wives in his age group and you will be the odd one out.

Likewise he will look and feel ridiculous in the company of you and your peers.

Don't move in with him. Have weekends with him but don't move in.

I love him and see a future with him, if it was just a fling there would be no reason to introduce me to his daughter. As for his friends, yeah they're older than me, but I still find them quite easy to get along with, they all seem to really like me, and they say they've never seen him happier. My friends like him, but he doesn't hang out with them extensively, which I understand because frankly why would he want to sit around all day and drink pink gin with us! I have more in common with his friends than he has with mine, but I think that kind of comes with the territory of our age gap.

This thread has made me think though, I probably won't move in with him, just move closer for now...

You're going to get very bias views on here as a large number of mumsnetters have been left for the younger woman, or are currently tryimg to work through affairs, or are terrified of it happening to them.

There seems to a consensus that if you can shame age gap relationships and brand any man who looks at a younger woman a creep and a pervert, then they can change the narrative to make it something taboo and bad. Perhaps they hope to sway popular opinion with this, though that would be quite hard given most male celebrities date considerably younger women and age gap relationships arent really viewed as much of an issue.

His daughter definitely needs to know about the age gap before she meets you. Her dad is pretty much dating someone her age/life stage, that will be hard to take, don't spring it on her when you're there, it might not be pretty.
Also from someone in an age gap relationship, do yourself a favour and get out now. Have you thought about children? Do you want, does he want more? Does he want to be a new dad mid 40's

My parents had a 17 year age gap. My mum was the youngeone. It prematurely aged her as my dad got older the age became apparent. It's a huge gap between 43 and 60 different stages in life.

Im a woman and had a boyfriend 14 years older..great at first...i was in love..as time went on i realised the age gap..he was getting old man. We were together 5 year.
Its not always embittered women who've been dumped or exchanged ..its women that have been there

Ignore the haters on here but equally do be careful although u seem quite sensible

You seem a very mature person for 23, so PLEASE ignore all the immature people who dismiss your boyfriend as a creep etc simply because of the age difference.

No doubt it will initially be awkward meeting his daughter but absolutely no reason why you shouldn't develop a perfectly good relationship with her.

Never been left for a younger woman. I think it’s just that many of us who are around 40 now know that when we were 20 some 40 year olds seemed fanciable or like peers, but now we’re the 40 year olds we see early 20 somethings in a very different way, no matter how mature or level headed they are. From this side it does seem more obvious how much changes in that time. However good looking a 25 year old man is, I’d feel exploitative and weird getting into a relationship with him. Especially when there’s a financial mismatch too, the younger person is giving up so much that they don’t even realise they are losing. Your twenties go by fast, and the freedom you have to establish who you are in the world and in relationships doesn’t come round in the same way again. Slotting into the life of someone a generation older is one of those insidious things that seems like adventure and growth and forward motion at first but can very easily turn into you waking up at 35 wondering where half your life just went.

I'm your SO age and my dd is a year younger than you.

Honestly if my ex called her up and told her he was planning to move in with a 23 year she would be disgusted.

Her and her friends talk about creepy middle aged men who hit on them. She thinks they are vile, and I'm fairly confident her dad would be lumped into category. She would be mortified. I can't imagine her wanting to be in public with them she d be worried about them being confused for sisters.

He has to talk to her seperately, before you meet. I also would keep your expectations very low as to what type of relationships you may have with her. I would aim for polite and non confrontational.

Ignore these comments 24 year age gap for us and 22 years together if it feel right go for it if the daughter doesn’t accept it then that’s up to her

This is not a good long term bet for you.
Fast forward to when you are 40 and he's heading for 60.
Trust me much older men become really unappealing with time and they often do not age well.
Run.

One thing I'd say is that if you move in with him, make provisions for your own future and own wealth. Ie, if you move into his house, great, but start saving for a deposit on a house of your own.

Best case scenario, you're married in a few years, everything is joint and you have a nest egg in your account in case of emergencies - everyone should have that fund.

The worst case scenario, ie you're together 4 or 5 years, not married, and then break up, means if you don't have a nest egg or a house of your own, you'll end up with nothing except whatever he chooses to give you.

I don't know how to say this without sounding patronising but it is an actual fact that at age 23 your brain is not yet fully developed. You are going to change so much between now and 25 and 25 and 30. You will feel like a different person.

It's one thing moving in and having kids with someone when you're the same age and stage of life and it's the first time for both of you. You grow and change together. But when one person has done it all before, it's not the same.

And his daughter is basically at the same life stage as you are - she is unlikely to be cool with this. Why is your bf so sure she'll be okay? The lack of care for his daughter is a massive red flag.

I really do think that this relationship will rob you of something if it persists long term. You’re already talking about him earning more than you, having a nicer house than you, you moving into his house, him potentially funding your education. It’s not going to be a relationship of equals.

I’m sure he’s lovely and says all the right things and probably thinks he means them, but when push comes to shove, he’s the boss.

Think about how great it would be to build a life with someone who is your equal, to choose a home together, furnish and decorate it together, build your careers alongside each other, sometimes one supporting the other, sometimes the other way around, plan a family together if that’s what you choose, have shared friendship groups.

You could have a perfectly nice life with this man, but it won’t be the one you could have without him.

So he was 22 when his daughter was born?Thats quite young in many European countries, maybe not where you are….but are you sure he is (only) forty?

You met when you were working, and he and his father and his father’s friends were customers? Maybe in hospitality? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Please, please don’t have children until you have a bit more life experience, not just under this man’s roof.