Meeting Boyfriend's Daughter -age gap relationship advice

[Stepppingontoes]

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

Massively this.

Are you at university too?

just thinking, do those that think omg, hold celebrities' to the same standards ?

Yes, finishing my masters this year, then going on to do my PhD so I will be a student for a while.

All the best with your studies

I can't imagine how he thinks he can predict what her reaction will be at all. it's such a unique situation in life isn't it.....there is nothing which is similar to 'my dad is dating a girl the same age as me' which she will have experienced/reacted to, on which he can base this opinion

@Stepppingontoes

I was you many many years ago,
and i am another poster after my experinces i had with far too much older guy,

can see the error of my ways and regret it,
going off the rails and getting involved with someone like that,
the relationship was out of balance kilter it was a very weirdly disturbing dysfunctional relantship at times,

definate Wouldn't recommend this type of relationship dynamics to anyone,
not even to my worst enemy,

looking back i didn't know myself as i was still understanding myself i was younger than you,
I was niave and very vunerable been though a lot of traumas shit beforehand ,

Making me very needy,

Reflecting about it now,

Why don't you date similar or guys who are a few or just several years older?

why such a big age hike jump to dating some one twice a old as you?

What kind of relationships do you have with your family and especially your father then?

There's a reason why older men such as that are acctracted to someone so much younger than them,
it's because you are naive and more likely to accept put up with a bullshit that they come out with,

often men like that have deeply pschological issues that they will attempt to disguise or and deflect project in ways to scapegoat their deeply undesirable insecurities and other issues,

the scapegoat is whatever niave vulnerable women who has relationship or is involved with them ...

Red flags waving like a spring fayre village bunting

Age gap aside OP, if you intend to have children with this man after your studies are complete, bear in mind there is lots of new research into the health risks to the child when the father is 40+.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health

I'm going to skip the whole age gap is horrible. God knows in my youth I dated someone much older. Saw him recently and he is a little old man. I was horrified. But that's neither here no there. What I will say is if he does not warn his dd ahead of time this will go terribly. Even if he warns her it may still. But to have this girl pop up to the table and see a girl nearly her own age will be disastrous. He needs to speak to her first.

Your 23 and he is 40. You lived alone since you were 17 and I feel that there could have been a number of reasons for this. This man knew to look at you that their was a big age gap between you. He probably realised early on that you would believe what he told you, that you be open to do what he wants and not spot the red flags he has.
A woman closer to his age has the maturity and more life experience to be aware of what he is really like. His daughter is only 5 years younger than you and it seems he has not told her your age. I can't see her been happy with you in his life.

This man is giving off creap vibes. I have a female relation not much younger than you. She is in university. She is going out with a man who is her age and at the same stage in university. They meet in each other students house, get cheap takeaways, go out the odd night and go to parties with friends. They meet up with their friends on their own. They will be doing final exams and masters in the next few years.
I know this girls parents and they would not be happy if she got involved with a 40 year old man with a daughter a few years younger than their own. I also know this girl would have no interest in a man of 40 and her friends would tell her don't go near that creap.

At 23 you have your whole life ahead of you. Stay in university and end things with him as long term he has nothing to offer you. Your at totally different life stages. If you want kids down the line I can't see him going back to the new born stage at 45 to 50 years of age.
I know a man who had a baby around this age group a few years ago and he recently found out that his child has autism.

I know several men in their mid 40's and above. They are beginning to get or have health issues like been overweight, high blood pressure, have diabetes or sleep anopa.
I have seen men around his age getting involved with younger women because they don't want to be alone and they want someone to care for them in their old age.

I know a lady in her early 60's and she wants to go places and do things. Her husband is 10 years older than her and he won't go anywhere. I know another lady who recently spent years at home caring for her husband before he died. He was 10-12 years older than her. She is both physically and mentally exhausted after doing this.

At 23 you deserve to find someone of your own age or perhaps 2 or 3 years older than you. They are at the same life stage of being in college, starting their working life or working towards a promotion in work. You have far more in common and can work towards building a good life for you and him as a couple.
17 years of an age gap is a large. If he retires at 67 your only going to be 50/51. You could end up dealing with a kid and and an elderly husband at the same time.
You deserve better than to end up in this type of situation.

Your 23 and he is 40. You lived alone since you were 17 and I feel that there could have been a number of reasons for this. This man knew to look at you that their was a big age gap between you. He probably realised early on that you would believe what he told you, that you be open to do what he wants and not spot the red flags he has.
A woman closer to his age has the maturity and more life experience to be aware of what he is really like. His daughter is only 5 years younger than you and it seems he has not told her your age. I can't see her been happy with you in his life.

This man is giving off creap vibes. I have a female relation not much younger than you. She is in university. She is going out with a man who is her age and at the same stage in university. They meet in each other students house, get cheap takeaways, go out the odd night and go to parties with friends. They meet up with their friends on their own. They will be doing final exams and masters in the next few years.
I know this girls parents and they would not be happy if she got involved with a 40 year old man with a daughter a few years younger than their own. I also know this girl would have no interest in a man of 40 and her friends would tell her don't go near that creap.

At 23 you have your whole life ahead of you. Stay in university and end things with him as long term he has nothing to offer you. Your at totally different life stages. If you want kids down the line I can't see him going back to the new born stage at 45 to 50 years of age.
I know a man who had a baby around this age group a few years ago and he recently found out that his child has autism.

I know several men in their mid 40's and above. They are beginning to get or have health issues like been overweight, high blood pressure, have diabetes or sleep anopa.
I have seen men around his age getting involved with younger women because they don't want to be alone and they want someone to care for them in their old age.

I know a lady in her early 60's and she wants to go places and do things. Her husband is 10 years older than her and he won't go anywhere. I know another lady who recently spent years at home caring for her husband before he died. He was 10-12 years older than her. She is both physically and mentally exhausted after doing this.

At 23 you deserve to find someone of your own age or perhaps 2 or 3 years older than you. They are at the same life stage of being in college, starting their working life or working towards a promotion in work. You have far more in common and can work towards building a good life for you and him as a couple.
17 years of an age gap is a large. If he retires at 67 your only going to be 50/51. You could end up dealing with a kid and and an elderly husband at the same time.
You deserve better than to end up in this type of situation.

I think it's very concerning he hasn't in a yr and half thought it prudent to mention to his daughter he is dating someone her age. And that to suddenly appear with someone she could be friends with and introduce you to her is bloody unfair on both of you.

It worries me a little bit that you say you were living independently at 17, and whether this is contributing to your decision making now. I hope he is just a genuine nice man and that the age gap is a coincidence but for me, it's a little unusual. I'm 32 and don't have anything in common with 21 year old and he was 6 years older than me when you met. A night out with a 21 year old sounds rough and I think naturally a lot of the power etc is going to lie with him in your relationship, you will naturally defer to him for decisions, and there's potential for the dynamic to be difficult.
When you're in your 40s and he's retired how will you feel? When you have kids and he is 50 when they start school? He might look great now but 50 odd year old men won't be so attractive when you're my age.

Also in the interest of transparency, when I was 18 I was in a relationship with a man who was 38. It was absolutely dysfunctional and unhealthy and he totally only wanted me because I was naive and easy to confuse. At 32 now there's no way I would tolerate 5 minutes of his shit. I also moved out and was living independently ended up living with him, I'd had a nasty childhood and thought I was a big adult and boys my age wouldn't get me. Turns out actually I was not a big adult and I did not have the skills to navigate a relationship with a man so much older than me. I think of him now and feel sick and cannot imagine still being with a man in his 50s 🫠

My husband was 39 when I was 23 and we had just had our first child together.
We have now been together 20 years.
I was 20 when we met and he had a teenage son from his first marriage, he took it well to be honest, it probably helped that I didn't 'parent' him and 20 years later we all get on well.
The hand wringing on here is hilarious sometimes.

You and his DD night be able to have a laugh over the elephant one day, depending on what she's like, Id keep that one in the back pocket for now.

He definitely needs to tell her and well before not a day or two before so she doesn't feel ambushed by it. She might be pisses he didnt tell her from the start. It is a significant gap, especially because 23 and 40 are very different life stages for most people, but I don't think that necessarily means it's creepy or doomed to fail, but you will be starting out with more possible issues stacked against you.

One issue that might or might not be a biggie for you is that if you want to have a family with this man the relationship won't be able to develop at a natural pace as it might with someone of more similar age. You've automatically got a ticking clock if you want children and you will be a more complex family set up from the start, which might be hard on you all.

Just to add I wouldn't rush the moving in. His daughter still regards his house as her home. It's not fair to either of you to be living together without some time building a relationship with her first. As other posters say, she could end up being home very regularly. As that progresses you can see whether this is going to work for you or not. If I were her, I'd be very upset that someone was being moved in that I had never met or barely knew. It's better to prevent a falling out than try to fix one.
You're clearly a smart capable young woman and you've a lot to offer any partner. There's no rush for you to move in, commit, have children. That can all happen on your timeline.

Of course it's a lack of consideration. He's made an assumption - that she will be fine - and hasn't bothered to take time to think about why she might not be, what he can do to make things easier for her, or for you. My assumption would be that this is because he doesn't really care. Or because he's used to manipulating her into 'being fine' with any of his behaviour?

You sound so young, OP. Maybe your boyfriend is truly a great guy but there's no equality in your relationship. When you reach his age, I suspect you'll be horrified to think about how young you were.

Most decent men in their forties dot look at women the same age as their daughters as potential wives. They look for women their own age and stage in life, because even though a much younger woman might be attractive and fun, she doesn't know anything about life, she doesn't have any experience, she isn't a fully rounded person with her own character yet. And decent men want woman who are all that, who are on a level with them.

You said yourself he's not interested in hanging out with your friends - of course not. He wouldn't be interested in hanging out with you either if it wasn't for the sex and the chance to present himself as the all-knowing authority.

Fine for a fling - have fun, learn from him, make some financial investments(?) That's all great. But don't hitch yourself to his wagon, because that's not going to take you anywhere good. I wouldn't want to meet his daughter at all - nothing good can come of that, for any of you.

🤢

There are tons of men to fall in love with at your age. For God's sake don't move in with some much older guy with a daughter not much younger than you. And whatever you do double up on your contraception.

if my dad had introduced me to his bloody 23 year old girlfriend when I was 18 I would’ve caused absolute hell if I’m being honest.
An actual nightmare if I’m honest

Why?
It's OK to not be happy about the age gap, but causing hell why be such a brat?

Because she's 18? Tbh I'd probably have been the same way. At 18 you're still growing and brain is still maturing. You don't necessarily have the ability to understand consequences or care about them.

The thing is, that's still true at 23. You feel like you're fully grown up, but the scientific literature (and experience) tells us that it's going to be a few more years yet until you are really mature.

Because I would’ve thought he was a digusting perv, who after Id been at uni for 2 terms was moving his teen bride into our house.

though if he’d have told me beforehand I wouldn’t even agree to meet and just not stay with him.

as I said I was pretty forthright at 18.

As for his friends, yeah they're older than me, but I still find them quite easy to get along with, they all seem to really like me, and they say they've never seen him happier. My friends like him, but he doesn't hang out with them extensively

So you are absorbed into his life but he won't be absorbed into yours? I wonder as you have lived alone and been independent since you were 17 that you are drawn to him for his stability. You seem determined to be with him long term, just please keep your friendships and build your career and a nest egg for yourself.

Why are you asking about advice about what to do with her? You are practically the same age as her?
Why did his first marriage break up? Was it for the long term gf?