Meeting Boyfriend's Daughter -age gap relationship advice

[Stepppingontoes]

Hello mumsnet, this might be a bit long because there's a bit of context. I (23) have been with my boyfriend (40) for a year and a half now and we are thinking of moving in together, so he thinks it's time I met his daughter (18). I know age gap relationships are controversial on mumsnet so let me get some context clear:- we met in real life, he used to come into my work a lot and we hit it off. He was not out trawling tinder for 20 somethings. - I thought he was younger, about 30 because he looks good for his age (and in general in my opinion) and because he would always come in with his dad and his dads friends who are 60s, so next to them he looked young. - No, he was not married when I met him. Had been divorced for 10 years. - He does not normally date younger, ex wife is older, ex long term GF was two years younger. - I do not normally date anyone significantly older than me, have always said 30 is my hard cut off but I guess God had other plans. - Yes my family do know, they have met him and like him. My parents were a bit hostile at first but he won them over. - I will be moving into his house and his daughter sometimes stays there when she's back from uni. Just including these things because I think they're relevant and I feel like they answer the common questions. He has had regular contact with his daughter and she knows he has a girlfriend, she wants to meet me. He has only introduced one girlfriend to his daughter since he split with her mum so I am feeling pressure. I am looking for general tips, ideas for where to go/what to do (I was thinking maybe a nice pub quiz or something I know she likes a quiz). Obviously I am also looking for advice on the elephant in the room... she will definitely know I'm younger than her dad when she sees me. Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know. I feel like maybe if she was prepared for the shock it would help? I don't know if I'm overthinking this. Any advice would be great. I posted this to step parenting but on retrospect it's probably better on relationships. Also no one responded and I'm really in need of some advice Ps sorry if there's typos English instead my first language!

You're getting a lot of hassle on here. I've been in an age gap relationship too and I don't think it has to be sinister, sometimes you love who you love. Advice would be to wait before moving in, and really think about what life will be like in 20 years, because the gap is nothing now, but will be. That doesn't mean you won't have a happy life together, but please really think this through and remain independent so you never feel trapped. Do not have kids for at least another 5 years, you need to build your own life and grow and develop. Anyone your age should do this. As far as the daughter goes, he needs to tell her first. Give her time to process it, and then you can meet when she's ready and willing. Expect her to not be on board. All the best

My daughter is your age and I’m around your boyfriend’s age. There was also the same late teens gap between me and my parents. She often tells me about older men who come onto her and how repulsive she finds them. I was the same. I cannot even begin to understand why a very very young adult would be attracted to a forty something man. They usually aren’t unless they are rich in which case the money is the attraction.

Even more perplexing to me is how a forty something year old man is attracted to such a young woman. Even reducing it down to looks I’d argue that a thirty year old is still at her peak and they’d at have more in common. 23 and 40 is extremely drastic in a way that 40 and 60 isn’t.
My DD and her friends are very young people. If she was dating a 40 year old we would interject and she’d thank me later.

For what it’s worth we know a few guys who often date much younger women. They are all problematic people. At your age you don’t question things like an older woman would so they get away with being dysfunctional . One married an 18yr old when he was 38. When she was 32 she left him. She said that when they had a daughter she realised how he had groomed her.

Also, living alone since you were 17 isn’t great. You still need looking after. I was also living alone at that age and it’s so far from the norm that you start to believe you aren’t the same as everyone else your age. That you’re more worldly and know exactly what you’re doing. Don’t deprive yourself of your youth because you’ve been catapulted into adulthood.

As for the daughter, it makes it even worse because he has a very literal representation of how vulnerable young people are. It’s not an abstract concept to him. He also has completely ignored how upsetting and embarrassing this will likely be for her. That speaks volumes.
Dont meet her. Have your fun and get him out of your system.

Take a good look at his dad. Do you find him attractive?
Most 40yo women do not find 60yo men attractive. Age difference increases with age as the older partner ages quite fast.
Look up Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, so you can get an idea. (they are from before your time, but are big stars in the grown up world). They looked OK next to each other when they met - now his is an ancient person next to a still young looking woman.

I get the attraction of an older and more financially secure man for you. It feels nice and grown up to be with grown ups. But the reality is that you are in very different stage of your life.

Human's brain matures by about 21-23. And then you are meant to learn and discover the world and your place in it. Meet different people, have relationships. Have fun. Then you can settle down in your 30s without regrets.

If you skip this phase - because it feels nice to be with someone more experienced and settled - you won't really get to live your youth. You'll move straight into his middle life phase.

What often happens to people who did that - they wake up in their 40s and regret their choices.

By all means - date him. Have fun and all. But don't rush into settling down. You have a long life in front of you and you are only young once.

How would he feel if a 35 year old was hitting on his daughter and more importantly how would his daughter feel because it's pretty much the same thing? How she views 35 year old men or her dad's friends hitting on her will likely play a large part in her reaction.

I think you should skip trying to do something with her like a table quiz or shopping. She doesn't need to be entertained or encouraged to like you the same way a young teenager would. She'll make up her own kind snd not shopping trip will have an influence on the outcome.

Meeting you with him casually for a coffee or even for a drink or lunch would be far easier and less of an event etc.

I think you are being very naive if you think that his daughter won't have a problem with the age gap.

You've been together a year and a half, haven't met her and he has managed to avoid discussing your age - there is no way that this wasn't intentional.

Your life is typical of someone your age - You rent, you study.
Any photos of you would show your age.

He hasn't told her because he knows she will be appalled that he is in a relationship with someone HER age.

You also mention you've lived alone since you were 17. This suggests you are vulnerable - in that you don't have close family support.

Please don't be fooled that his support means love. Love should be equal and nothing about your relationship sounds balanced

My father introduced me to his new partner when she was 22 and my Dad was 49. (and I have 2 older brothers). I had no idea of her age at that time. I was 19 and at Uni and stayed with them quite often. My Dad had recently divorced my Mum. They went on to have my sister when my Dad was 55. My Dad and my stepmum were devoted until he passed away age 93. She is still grieving for him after 4 years and we are all very close. I guess they were so well suited and they always included me and my brothers.

It's quite a cliche, I've been single since I was 39 so 6 years now and have had 20 something men hitting on me since I first become single. All the 40 something men are out there hitting on the 20 something women

I’m in an age gap marriage of around the same sort of difference and I have a stepdaughter, although there’s a slightly bigger gap between us than there is between you and your BF’s daughter. She and I get on very well and always have, and I’ve been with her father for 30+ years now. Your BF should absolutely talk to his daughter first to prepare her for the fact you’re of her generation rather than his own. I’m under no illusions about how lucky I was that my DSD accepted me from the off, and I can only hope you’ll be equally lucky while warning you it may not happen and that’s a completely valid reaction on her part.

If a man stays fit and healthy, the 40s/60s scenario isn’t necessarily the horror show some MN factions would have you believe. I will say though, that it’s getting harder now I’m in my 50s and my DH is in his 70s. His health isn’t great now and I’m his carer as much as I am his wife. But we’ve had a wonderful life together and I don’t regret anything - especially as he’s more decent, respectful, thoughtful and kind than most of the men that feature in MN Relationship threads.

Regardless of his age it is a concern he is trying to manoeuvre you into a position where you are dependable on him for housing and financial support.

Meant to add OP, do not put yourself in a position where you’re financially dependent on him. I’ve always worked and would have been capable of supporting myself from day 1 if it had gone tits up, and for at least some of the time (and of course again now that he’s retired) I’ve been the higher earner. Retaining your own financial independence is vital - advice I’d give to all women TBH, regardless of their or their partner’s ages.

I have questioned him about why he is so sure she will be okay with it, he just said he knows his daughter and to trust him - which I do. He isn't the type to bury his head in the sand about things and normally faces issues head on, so maybe he's right and she will be cool with it. I don't think it comes from a lack of consideration but then again it's hard to say.

I think you would be closer to step sister than step parent 😂😂

Her dad says she's not asked how old I am and he hasn't approached it with her. My gut feeling is that he should mention it before we meet, but I really don't know.

@Stepppingontoes He's lying by omission; there's no reason for his DD to think you would be so much younger than him, and just 5 years older than her. Think hard about why that would be.

There is no way I would give up my job! Yes he does have more money than me (would be a bit worrying if he didn't) but he is actually helping me invest etc. since we have been together I've practically doubled my savings - he gives sound financial advice. I have been very aware of this because I know financial abuse is a risk in this kind of situation but I really don't think he's like that, and if he is I can always leave (better off than I went in).

"He knows his daughter and to trust him"..... this is why he is with a gullible 23yo who just assumes he is an older and wiser man.

Any grown up woman his age would have told him to cut the crap. Of course a 19yo daughter will be weirded out by him dating someone who could be her mate.
And this is exactly why he never told his daughter your age.

This is not a relationship of equals. You look up to him, he treats you as a naïve person that you are. This is why men go for much younger women - as they are easier to control.

To the poster above who is a carer to her H in her 50s. I am nearing that age - and have no desire to be someone's carer. I have divorced in my 40s and have enjoyed dating and finding a new partner near my age. We travel, have fun, have great sex, etc.

Of course - health problems can happen at any age. But - with massive age difference - the chances of older partner having problems increase.
Why make that choice when there are plenty of younger fish in the sea...

He is defiantly just forty, either that or his passport is fake. He did have her on the younger side though. As for how we met, I work at a golf club and I was working at the bar, he was there with his dad and his dad's friends. We started talking and then he came back a few more times with his dad who's very into golf... it kind of just happened from there naturally. I did pursue him a bit, but he was very respectful and nice. He wasn't sleazy or anything like that, just flirting then he asked for my number and I gave it to him.

If she's 18 then she's been away at uni for 4.5 months, so the 'occasionally stays when she's home from uni' is very recent. In her mind she might live with him half of the time s ASD be expecting that in the holidays. Do you know what the situation was pre-uni.
Either way she really needs to know. He needs to talk to her face to face and then introduce you properly.
You haven't been seriously together very long if you haven't met his daughter. Is moving in the safest or most sensible course of action for you at this point? A year and a half feels like a long time but if he didn't take the relationship seriously until a few months ago us it in fact too soon?

He needs to tell her upfront that you are 23.

I have a 23 year old daughter and would be very worried for her in your situation. I would definitely advise her not to move in with him.

Those investments you talk about - are they all in your name? can you see cold hard numbers of money in your name that you can access at any time? or did you give him money to invest and he showed you returns on investment on paper? Because in one case, maybe yeah. In the other - you are being scammed.

We are in Scotland so she went at 17 - maybe should have put that in OP sorry.
He has talked about me meeting her before and I've kind of been putting it off because it made me anxious. Recently I've just kind of thought I should bite the bullet because I'm not going to get any less anxious and can't put it off forever.

No, in my name and it's more teaching me about it vs just saying do this do that, or me handing over my money and him dealing with it. Also financial literacy stuff in general to help me save more.

definitely echo that he needs to tell her/discuss before hand and ask her when/if she wants to meet you.
There are red flags though -what is your previous experience? why are you attracted to someone who is your dads age? i remember at your age thinking people who were early 30s at most were beyond the pale! from both sides it worries me - he should want more of an equal relationship than being able to impress a naive twenty something with his financial acumen!

To the poster above who is a carer to her H in her 50s. I am nearing that age - and have no desire to be someone's carer. I have divorced in my 40s and have enjoyed dating and finding a new partner near my age. We travel, have fun, have great sex, etc.
Of course - health problems can happen at any age. But - with massive age difference - the chances of older partner having problems increase.
Why make that choice when there are plenty of younger fish in the sea...

Of course I don’t dispute that it increased the odds I’d end up where I am when I fell for an older man in my 20s. But if you don’t want to run the risk of becoming someone’s carer, don’t get married at all unless you don’t believe “in sickness and in health” means anything. The support has by no means been all one way over the years. We’ve had a happier and stronger relationship than many of my friends who paired off with men closer to their own age and who are now divorced - or in one case widowed - so choosing a younger man is no guarantee of marital happiness.

you answered the question his daughter is likely to ask,

is he planning to do the cringeworthy second family?

the problem from the daughter’s perspective isn’t just likely to be that you are young. It is that you will be wanting to hit the same life milestones as her.

Ask him how he would feel if his daughter was having sex with a 35 year old. Because in my experience men who date women much younger than themselves, particularly if the women is younger than 25, never seems to want it for their own daughters of the same age. I never understand this.
You were 21 when you met him as a 38 year old.

Previous experience? Do you mean with dating? I've only been out with people my age or a bit older, always said my hard limit is 30, but I guess God / the universe or whatever you want to call it had other plans. He is younger than my dad, my parents had me late so my dad is in his 60s, so I guess he is in a whole other generation to my parents. I don't really see my parents as old people though, they're pretty sprightly. Ultimately I just like him for him, he is very funny and I'm a sucker for someone who can make me really laugh I guess. He is also clever and takes a keen interest in learning new things, I study a totally different field to what he studied and he really makes an effort to engage with my interests and studies. Yes the fact he has money is nice, I like his car and I like a nice meal out, but I'm not destitute or anything. He helps me better myself at the end of the day and I like to think I help him be better in some ways too.