H likes sub/fantasy of cuckold/humiliation

[SoAlone1981]

And I’m fed up.

So we’ve gone for the first time months without sex because I’m just not willing to act on his kink/fetish. He won’t ask for sex or push for it because well it defeats his need.

To be honest I went months without it and thought I could convince myself to be celibate but last night I just needed sex. And I caved, I did some dirty talking said to him imagine if you had to watch someone have sex with me etc cos I know it turns him on and we’d have sex.

Afterwards I feel humiliated I find sex is functional and I’m also in the lead all the time.

This is 21 years of this relationship.

This is one thing amongst many, I don’t want to split our family we have two young DD.

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

I’m in therapy.

Can anyone help? Is this the right place to post?

The biggest piece of advice I would give you is to TALK about all of this with someone, a close friend maybe? Everything starts to feel a bit less scary, a bit less daunting and a bit less overwhelming when you share it with someone.

You deserve a healthy, loving and mutually fulfilling relationship, and the absolute best thing you can do for your daughters is model for them the kind of relationship you would be happy to see them involved with in years to come. That starts with loving yourself enough to leave a situation that no longer serves you. Think about what advice you would give your daughters if they were in your shoes and follow that.

Your ignorance is on display again. You seem to have a deep rooted problem with people you consider "weird" or "not normal". It's not a good look. Makes you look uptight and repressed.

I am not "lecturing" anyone, or claiming to have "authority" over anything. However, this post is partly about a Cuckold fetish isn't it. I have far more authority over that subject then you. Don't I?

As for being open and honest you are wrong again. We are as open and honest as you can be about private things.

Now..... Give it a rest

@Crunchingleaf oh my goodness yes!!! I knew on my wedding day, as I walked down the aisle I bloody knew. I knew but I carried on, because to the outside world everything he is and is from was/is a million times better than my childhood or upbringing. He had/has everything.

Except yes I take on the load so so so much, including his, so he can function daily, if I didn’t exist to carry so much. I don’t know how he’d cope .

I am only now starting to focus on myself.

@Mrsttcno1 I’ve touched on the details a little with my mother, I explained we have no relationship. But she knows by that I mean no sex life. She has stayed with us often and witnessed his stress, his OCD etc.

She has said she would support me to leave him and I should not worry about anything.

I am in tears writing this, at my desk. Just not functioning. I have so much on at work, with the kids that this is making me so cross and tired.

First of all OP you should not have to fulfil a fetish that you find distasteful. End of.

You married young and you both had not yet dealt with family/early trauma so it is understandable that you might find yourself drifting apart as mature adults.

I was involved for a couple of years in the fetish/kink 'world' and it is not uncommon for men to have these fantasies and become obsessed with them. Not uncommon especially with men in high profile jobs who hold a lot of control/power at work but want the opposite in their sex lives. BUT this only works if their partner is also interested in and enjoys the sub/dom dynamic. No one should try to force this into a partner who is repulsed by it and withdraw intimacy unless sex is about their kink. That is completely unacceptable.

OP, it sounds like you have reached the end of the road with this marriage and you might both be happier on your own. You would have time and space to work on your self-confidence. understand better what healthy relationships are about and find a more suited partner.

Some people might be happy to just stay in the marriage as friends/parents only and take sex out of the equation (the kinky partner can always fulfil his needs with 'professionals') but do you really want a loveless marriage?

Kids are almost 13 and 9. I just feel this could really set them both back. 9 year old is already an anxious child.

@SoAlone1981

You asked what is fuelling this type of fetish and suggested porn.

I think porn plays a part for some. Men that view porn and watch these "studs" feel like they cannot ever be like them. They don't have a huge penis, they don't have great stamina etc etc. So instead of imagining themselves being the one with the woman, they take on a voyeurs role. This can lead to having a Cuckold fetish.

However, some men are just naturally submissive. My DP is very submissive sexually. He is made that way. Your partner is not. While the sexual acts that he likes (pegging) are most associated with submissives he is not submitting to you. He is trying to get you to submit to him. You do not want too, but he persists. It is unhealthy.

@SoAlone1981

I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

Just to pick up on your point about your youngest being anxious though. It's not a given that this will make her more anxious. She may realise that her mum is not very happy already. She will absolutely realise your DH's issues. You leaving a situation in which you are not happy may be the thing she needs to see for her later life.

OP I was wondering if he might have ASD? I know people on here hate that being suggested but anxiety and OCD are frequently comorbid with ASD and you say he's very controlling and doesn't like anything that he's not prepared for which would be pretty typical. It might also mean that he has absolutely no idea that you're not enjoying his kinks because to him you seem to have been indulging them and you haven't ever clearly told him that you don't want them (I don't think) or exactly what it is that you do want.

I definitely think it's something you should consider as it could be put a different slant on things. Not saying you should stay together whatever the case but it might make things easier to understand. I also think he needs to give up his job and find something less stressful as he is clearly not coping with it and that is impacting everyone.

Agree with this.

Parents can work very hard to shield children from what’s going on but so often the children are still struggling. Even when they don’t understand what is happening they just know that they don’t feel safe or secure.
As my child’s counsellor once said to me. Sometimes for children it’s the better outcome for the child if the parents separate.

@takemeawayagain yes I have considered this as my therapist has thought this, of course based on my stories to them. But yes it’s a thought, not to judge but all his friends are white techy and geeky. Very high achieving family and MIL deffo has traits, hence she’s so controlling!

After my first marriage broke up, I was very lonely and vulnerable and when my friend introduced me to her widowed cousin, I was so pleased to have met someone who seemed really nice. The first time we slept together was very "normal", it wasn't exactly earth shattering but it was OK. He must have been testing the waters, as he then started introducing his weird kinks. The shock I had when I walked into the bedroom to find him handcuffed to the headboard, wearing his dead wife's underwear and with things shoved up his bottom, is something that stays with me to this day. He played on my vulnerability and made me feel as if I was the weird, boring one, so I'm ashamed to say I went ahead with things a couple of times and did what he wanted, even though it sickened me and he knew it. I was very vulnerable and he exploited that. I just wanted a "normal" man, someone who wanted me for me and didn't need all the "accessories". Luckily, I met my dh and we both wanted the same things but, nearly 30 years later, I still feel shame when I think about what that selfish man wanted me to do just so he could get his kicks, even when he could see I was uncomfortable with it. If it doesn't feel right and doesn't make you happy, then please don't do it.

As a fellow kinky person: read the fucking room. This thread isn't about what works for you, it's about what works for the OP and she doesn't want this.

The first rule is that if she isn't saying yes, she's saying no, right? Well, OP isn't actually willing and he's overriding her reluctance. That's a huge huge problem that would get a man kicked out of any well-run play party. OP needs support in leaving this man because a) they aren't well-matched sexually and b) he doesn't respect her. This isn't about "kink-shaming", it's about him not respecting her as a person.

That some women are ok with cucking is true, but it's also not relevant to this thread.

No one should try to force this into a partner who is repulsed by it and withdraw intimacy unless sex is about their kink. That is completely unacceptable.

This is true.

(the kinky partner can always fulfil his needs with 'professionals')

Please don't suggest that a man paying a woman to set aside her reluctance is an acceptable option. It isn't, it's paying to rape someone.

Who on earth are you talking to 🤣 If you read the whole thread you will see that this post was my response to the thread becoming a bit “pro kink” or “against kink”, which is entirely unhelpful for the OP because the ONLY opinion or view that matters is hers as this is HER life and her situation. If I don’t like apples, it doesn’t make any difference to me whether 100 other people do like apples, it doesn’t make me like them any more!

Also, if you bothered to read the full thread, I’ve repeatedly said OP should absolutely not be having any sex that she does not actively want. In fact I believe that was something I stated in my very first post. I’ve also repeatedly encouraged OP that she deserves to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship, and should not remain with somebody with whom she is incompatible.

Where on earth have I said that what “some women” are okay with is relevant? In fact, I have REPEATEDLY, said the complete opposite as I’ve again and again said the ONLY opinion that matters is OP’s. I’ve even said exactly that IN the reply of mine that you’ve quoted.

Maybe you should “read the fucking room”, the WHOLE fucking room, before you chuck your 2p in next time love

Hello thank you for your opinions I just wanted to say thanks.

I can state that over the years I have done what H has wanted, or it’s evolved that way. I don’t think it’s ever been a matter of consent it’s like it’s always been like that so I’ve gone along with it. There has been the very odd occasion (I can count on one hand and they were memorable) where we have just had vanilla sex, but it’s functional and not been connected but at least no ‘play’.

H has experimented with wearing make up, he liked me to put it on him. It turned him on for me to tie him up and put make up on him.

It would turn him on for me to spank him and cause him pain.

I honestly just went along with it. It sounds so weird but I had a one night stand before H, it was quick sex but I recall falling asleep and the man was just stroking me while I slept. Nothing pervy. I remember that as one of the most loving caring acts from a man. And I knew him for all of 8 hours.

I just want a normal loving relationship, where I don’t have to start a dirty story about me being shagged by someone else to turn him on. He is submissive so he won’t start sex or initiate it, it has to be me and I have to go into dominant role.

I guarantee your nine year old will be less anxious without a controlling stressy father overseeing their every move.

I had a relationship with a guy who wanted sex to be like that. It was so wearing. I ended it after a few months. I can't imagine being in it long term but I can imagine, and feel from your posts, the erosion of your self esteem.

I think you know what the only option is, you just have to find the route to make it happen.

Not that it's really relevant but in a femdom paid situation the man rarely actually has sex. In fact, the less he's allowed to have sex, the more excited he is 🤷🏻‍♀️

@VanGoghsDog yes he needs ‘permission’ from me to be allowed to have sex with me.

Hi @SoAlone1981 I am so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to say, dont ever think of yourself as less than or 'weak' in anyway for whatever choice you make regarding your H. You are far far stronger than you realise. You have done what it takes to survive.
You made a point earlier about why your H chose you, it is likely that he saw a vulnerability and either intentionally or unintentionally took advantage of that. Yes, kinks are not uncommon but his has had a devastating impact on you and him. If that is the only way he can feel sexual pleasure then I pity him and others who experience similar. I just wish they didn't drag others into their kink, especially people who have experienced trauma and are vulnerable. He needs to meet like minded people to fulfill that need.
No more sex. If you need to scratch that itch I would seriously suggest looking elsewhere and I wouldn't feel a shred of guilt doing it.
Never feel ashamed, you did what you felt you had to do. You are strong, you are a fighter. I hope you realise your worth through therapy and start the process of freeing you and your children from his dysfunction.

I am very sorry@Mrsttcno1. I meant to quote @Rachel757677's last post and tapped the wrong quote button.

Better that than him taking what he wants without consent.

ETA: I think you mean as in he has to beg you? Not so good.

H has experimented with wearing make up, he liked me to put it on him. It turned him on for me to tie him up and put make up on him.

Run. Next, it will be your clothes. Sissification fetish is a gateway drug into autogynophilia and the trans widows' support threads illustrate how that ends for you.

I can’t see him becoming trans, he’s not keen on it.

Sorry that didn’t make sense, he’s not keen on men who identity as women.