H likes sub/fantasy of cuckold/humiliation

[SoAlone1981]

And I’m fed up.

So we’ve gone for the first time months without sex because I’m just not willing to act on his kink/fetish. He won’t ask for sex or push for it because well it defeats his need.

To be honest I went months without it and thought I could convince myself to be celibate but last night I just needed sex. And I caved, I did some dirty talking said to him imagine if you had to watch someone have sex with me etc cos I know it turns him on and we’d have sex.

Afterwards I feel humiliated I find sex is functional and I’m also in the lead all the time.

This is 21 years of this relationship.

This is one thing amongst many, I don’t want to split our family we have two young DD.

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

I’m in therapy.

Can anyone help? Is this the right place to post?

@WandaWonder his anxiety was never bad when we were young. It’s the stress of his job, some health issues (physical) that have caused the anxiety. Regarding the sex. I went a long with it; I had a traumatic past (explained above). He comes from a good background, is good looking, professional and I thought ok this is something I can put up with, more recently well over the last 20 months or so I’ve been having pretty intensive therapy and this is affecting my boundaries.

That’s it really. We are where we are, admonishing me for having children with him isn’t really going to help. As I said the kids are genuinely thriving. They are loved.

@Ilovelurchers it does make me think if I could actually cope with a more dominant male. It’s clear the dynamic has worked somehow over the last 21 years.

Due to my chaotic upbringing I do have a need for some control in my life and maybe that’s translates to the bedroom where I’ve been able to hold the controlling role. But now I kind of want to relinquish that control.

Surprised there are women out there that would love this fetish/kink!

You are in a codependent relationship OP. You can't fix him. You need to leave.

There are lots of women out there who would love & share this kink, there’s also lots of women out there who share the opposite kink & want to be dominated by their partner, there’s also lots of women out there who prefer there to be no power exchange at all in their sex lives and like everything totally equal. Nobody is wrong or right, there is no “normal”, it’s just simply a case of finding a sexual partner who shares your interests. You and your husband have obviously got opposing interests and so aren’t sexually compatible but that doesn’t mean either of your desires are wrong, they’re just mismatched

’Sorry to be defensive but this is 21 years.’

That’s fuck all when you consider that you aren’t compatible, that he needs professional help and that you continuing to force your children to live with him because you, ‘don't want to split the family’ will do much more harm in the end.

We are compatible in other ways, shared interests and values in other parts of our lives.

It is therefore a lot to throw away. The kids are thriving as I’ve said.

What is our co-dependency? The finances I guess mainly cos of our decision to educate the kids in private school, we’ve lost that ability to run two houses.

I am one of those women.

Cuckolding is becoming more and common. However, it rarely works because most of the time it is the man that wants it and pushes for it and not the woman and that is not what Cuckolding is about.

It should be initiated by the woman as it is with my DP and I.

It's amazing that when a person comes here asking for advice (yes, with no s) that what they get is a pile of abuse. No, cockholding is not common. I want a connection with the person I'm having sex with, as do many people I speak to it about. I do talk about sex, I'm not a prude. I want it to feel good, my partner takes joy in making me feel good. As I do for them. If you have to add extras to get off, then that's what you're getting off on. The other person becomes irrelevant. It's lonely. Being lonely destroys your sense of worth, please remove yourself from this OP. You aren't letting your kids down at all, but think how much happier you'd all be if you could be fully there for them once you're back to your own self. Sending hope x

I think cock holding is pretty common. Cuckholding is not.

Yes...... But others are different. I most certainly do not have to have a connection with someone I have sex with. I only need to be physically or sexually attracted to them.

Good for you, but that's not a sustainable relationship imo. Sex is often the glue that holds a relationship together. If it isn't based on the other person then there's nowt sticking you to one and other.

I'd imagine it would be the vast minority.

MN posters tend to be unrepresentative. Especially when they get onto subjects like this.

Personally I'd find it a massive massive turn off - sexually and in the wider context.

If you separate and your p/h dates and tries to introduce this to his sex life; the women he dates will think "ah, so this is why a good looking, financially secure, apparently respectable man is single".

He'd only have luck on fetish sites, and people often don't want relationships with the people they encounter on fetish sites.

One poster said you're incompatible.

That sort of statement irritates me.

He'd be incompatible with most women.

Most hetero women don't want to sexually dominate, penetrate etc their partner, and don't get turned on by that dynamic.

it does make me think if I could actually cope with a more dominant male

It's possible to have sex (and a relationship) without someone being dominant.

You could meet a man who's neither dominant nor submissive - in my experience that's where most of them reside sexually.

Again, it depends on the people involved. My DP and I have been together for four years and for 90% of that time he has been my Cuckold. Our relationship is as strong as ever.

Well the op doesn't appear to want to enter a cuckold relationship so, not sure what the relevance to this thread is.

Also, outside of fetish sites, I bet you'd never let anyone know about the fact you're in a cuckolding relationship; because people don't view it as normal or positive. In fact they'd view it is pathetic, dysfunctional and, weird and subsequently your relationship as a bit of a joke. Cuckhold is the ultimate insult about a man in pretty much all cultures (and that's when they don't even know/go along with it, let alone engineer or consent to it).

Tell it to people/let them find out and see their attitude.

It's similar to posters coming on here and saying sex work should be seen as neutral. It simply isn't. If people know a woman is a sex worker, they have an attitude towards her, they are way less likely to want yo associate with her and if they're parents, her kids would end up isolated and later teased mercilessly about her "work".

It's all very well trying to depict things as normal and common and positive,but the fact is that you couldn't actually be honest about those things and not be affected socially/in your interactions with other people. Because they are not generally seen as normal, common or positive.

Back on op; it's not common, it's a fetish, it's not really positive because she's not enthusiastically consenting to it, she's resigning herself to it to get some intimacy. She also thinks her background might have contributed (and not in a positive way) to her going along with it.

As well as the dissatisfactory sex life, dominated (no pun intended) by this fetish - which is not her fetish ..... it would be hard for it not to affect your overall feelings for the person.

Thank you @Xenoi24 my very limited (bar sexual assault on me as a child, teen and young adult) so my consensual sexual experience before meeting H wasn’t purely vanilla, one chap in particular was very pushy for me to do things I didn’t enjoy so I went along with it thinking well that’s normal.

It’s so so so so so bloody sad I actually fantasise about brief one night stands I had as that sex was more loving and these men didn’t even love me. God I feel so fucked and in a mess. I’m so glad I have a therapy session tomorrow.

I cannot afford to separate, my kids need these schools we are paying for due to a multitude of failings in their state schools. I am so stuck this is my problem. If I didn’t have private school to pay for I think I could leave. I don’t want to leave I want to stay as a unit but I feel so destroyed.

H is so ‘manly’, muscular, tall, good-looking and successful. I mean I think people wonder why he’s with me, probably because I’m the only he could find who would do all this for him.

I mean he can’t be happy can he?

You've gone along with his fetish and reluctantly go along with it now so he gets what he wants.

He also gets the respectable, conventional life .. which many people want very much - especially if he's from a "good" family.

So maybe he is, who knows.

In some cases men wanting to be submissive and having a cuckold fetish is actually an expression of homo/bi sexuality.... Do you think he's definitely just hetero & submissive etc.?

Oh do grow up and try to make your point without resorting to insults.

You are wrong. There are people who know the nature of our relationship. We do not advertise it but we not hide it either.

People like us do not care what people like you think is "normal" or "weird". We are not bound by societal norms or boundaries like you are.

Our relationship is not a "joke" as you suggest. He is the only man I have ever loved and he feels the same way. It is something we value above all things

Now...... Once again. Try to except that not everyone is like you, and if they aren't, don't be bitter and insulting because it makes you come across as a deeply mean sprited and judgemental individual.

I mean I think people wonder why he’s with me, probably because I’m the only he could find who would do all this for him

Don't be so hard on yourself, I'm sure you're an attractive and nice woman.

Women tend to think all men want models but in my experience, there's happy with attractive/pretty women.

As to whether he'd struggle to get a typical woman to happily go along with his fetishes; no, I don't think he would.

This would be utterly beyond "conservative" women's ken/comfort level, and even less conservative women would mostly not be up for a sex life involving dominating their male partner, cuckold fantasies, pegging etc. If you're the same poster I remember from before, he also wanted to be choked, which I think most women would be disturbed & turned off by.