H likes sub/fantasy of cuckold/humiliation

[SoAlone1981]

And I’m fed up.

So we’ve gone for the first time months without sex because I’m just not willing to act on his kink/fetish. He won’t ask for sex or push for it because well it defeats his need.

To be honest I went months without it and thought I could convince myself to be celibate but last night I just needed sex. And I caved, I did some dirty talking said to him imagine if you had to watch someone have sex with me etc cos I know it turns him on and we’d have sex.

Afterwards I feel humiliated I find sex is functional and I’m also in the lead all the time.

This is 21 years of this relationship.

This is one thing amongst many, I don’t want to split our family we have two young DD.

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

I’m in therapy.

Can anyone help? Is this the right place to post?

But I know if I play to his fetish then he will have sex. I just need to talk to him I think as I think me playing to his fetish is so normalised.

I am just very tired and fed up.

I agree a big talk is needed @SoAlone1981 if this has been “the norm” in your sex life for essentially your entire relationship then I think you are going to need to sit down together and be very blunt about the facts- that you don’t share his interests- and if you do want to stay together then you need a very honest, frank and open conversation about what things look like for both of you going forward x

@SoAlone1981 I think you're right in that when it comes to sex he is not manipulative, it has just always been this way so why would he want to change anything?

just keep in mind that once that talk happens it may mark an end of the relationship (which is not necessarily a bad thing)

@PaintedEgg thank you and @Mrsttcno1 I know yes it could mark the end. I do love him so much though, I do find him super attractive and we make such a good team. It will be very hard, I can’t imagine finding anyone else, but I know I don’t have to find anyone else either. I’ve just turned 43 so I have time I think.

Also I can’t imagine seeing him with someone else, I feel like it’d kill me.

You never know it may not be the end, is it possible that he doesn’t realise you only do this to humour him, if that’s never a conversation you’ve had before? It may not be a major thing for him to “go without”, for some people a kink/fetish like this may be all consuming in the bedroom and something they can’t be aroused without, but that’s definitely not the case for everybody. There are people for whom it is just one sexual interest/turn on, it’s not the be all and end all of sex for them it’s just one of the things that turns them on and if you have always just went along with it then I suppose he’s never had any reason to act any differently. You never know it may be that when you have an honest chat you can find some middle ground if you wish to try and stay together

I hope it’s not @Mrsttcno1 cos I’ve given so much to this marriage.

@SoAlone1981 his kink is not necessarily "bad", in itself is fairly common and harmless. If he has no reason to suspect you don't like it then I don't think it would occur to him out of the blue.

And if he will be fine stopping it then his other issues still need addressing

He’s had a good few days at work so been a bit more affectionate just cuddling, talking to me etc. It was the anniversary of us getting engaged and I remembered he didn’t but he eventually did and gave me a kiss. I feel so sad hanging on for these bits of affection when he’s not stressed. It’ll placate me for a few days before I spiral again. I guess his emotional unavailability makes me
spiral more than the lack of sex.

He has agreed to therapy but said he’s too stressed with work to look into it. I don’t think he’s deflecting cos if he says he’ll do something he will. Perhaps now work is a tiny bit calmer he will speak to a therapist. He does generally like to make a joke of/laugh off things when I try to have a serious conversation. I’ve booked in extra therapy for today. I’m calmer and I need to work on my boundaries, I’d also like to understand our co-dependancy and how that is unhealthy.

He's breadcrumbing you.

The kink, fetish stuff would be more than enough for me to leave. The other ones on it own if he is doing nothing to address them would be as well a separate list of reasons to leave.
All together scream to me if he doesn't care why would I?

He’s not the sort of person to breadcrumb, he’s not consciously treating me in one way or another I think he has ASD. I’m not sure, I know there is a huge correlation between work stress and how he treats me.

@Epidote because of the kids.

When he’s stressed with work he has no time for me, it’s about stress management for him. He doesn’t show me any affection when he’s stressed. He’s generally very tense and just about coping/trying to keep order.

His job is very high up/stressful job.

It's like a different person posting now OP. I just think you are in for a lifetime of sadness with this man. It isn't just the kink stuff is it? He's very highly strung and for him to function you need to be propping him up.
This MUST have had an affect on your children. I dont believe for a second that growing up in a house with this man hasn't affected them. Are they anxious children by any chance?
You have one life. One amazing, short and beautiful life. Your husband is draining yours.
I think the best thing to do is continue in therapy and stop thinking of ways to cope with living like this. Work on you. I wish you and your children the very best.

Edited for appalling spelling.

@LiveLaughCryalot thank you, yes my youngest is having counselling for anxiety. I think my eldest is anxious a bit too but not too bad.

I know it’s like I’m a different person I don’t know what’s happened to me, maybe it’s like that breadcrumb of affection has propped me up. I don’t know what to do.

Don't worry about knowing what to do right now. Concentrate on the therapy. Step back from revolving your life around his needs and start building yourself up. Put him and his needs on the back-burner.
He isn't some deep, mysterious man who is hard to figure out. He is a garden variety self absorbed dickhead with mummy issues who managed to wangle himself an amazing woman who was prepared to put herself last and him first. That needs to stop. The more you give these type of men the more they take. He will think NOTHING of your misery, your children's issues. All he thinks about his himself.
Thats not me saying he's an abusive, manipulative arsehole by the way. He obviously has many issues regarding his domineering mother and all of his behaviours will stem from his upbringing INCLUDING the submissive/kink stuff. That's not your problem right now though. You have given enough. Please, concentrate on you and your children. Stepping back will also prepare him more for when/if you do decide to leave.
I really hope you start to see your worth and soon!

@SoAlone1981 this is how generational trauma works. His parents were certain way, so he turned out certain way...and now your children are turning out the same way

He does not have to be an awful, abusive person to have bad influence on his kids. He may be a loving, nice guy, but his grocery list of untreated issues is clearly ruining mental health of literally everyone in your family

Thank you @LiveLaughCryalot thank you @PaintedEgg I am focussing on myself.

Just really really want to say thank you to everyone who has taken time out of their lives for me, a total stranger. I am so grateful for the support. I will be updating as time goes on.

Hi, I think you might just be over reacting a little, that’s just his thing and he seems to be a good person, I would just relax go with the flow, you might enjoy it. You won’t know till you go as they say

Because she doesn’t want to. And that’s all the reason she needs.

I think after 21 years she knows if she likes it or not.

Not really. As she hasn’t tried. She may love it

Hi not sure why the thread has restarted - I’m still in therapy working through a lot of stuff. There has not been anything really sexual or intimate. We are doing okish. I just need to sort my ‘head’ out and work out what I want. Taking it slow. I think I can after 21 years