H likes sub/fantasy of cuckold/humiliation

[SoAlone1981]

And I’m fed up.

So we’ve gone for the first time months without sex because I’m just not willing to act on his kink/fetish. He won’t ask for sex or push for it because well it defeats his need.

To be honest I went months without it and thought I could convince myself to be celibate but last night I just needed sex. And I caved, I did some dirty talking said to him imagine if you had to watch someone have sex with me etc cos I know it turns him on and we’d have sex.

Afterwards I feel humiliated I find sex is functional and I’m also in the lead all the time.

This is 21 years of this relationship.

This is one thing amongst many, I don’t want to split our family we have two young DD.

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

I’m in therapy.

Can anyone help? Is this the right place to post?

I have wondered about the homo/bi-sexuality as (god I hate writing this but thank god it’s anon) but I think I mentioned I’ve used a strap on him, which I had to stop I couldn’t cope with it.

I think the conventional nature of the relationship absolutely suits him, I mean maybe he should be set free too, to actually be who he wants to be. To be honest we can argue and I can suggest therapy etc, the last two days I’ve slept in the spare room. It’s only cos we did have sex and that sets me back for a period of time, before I fall into a time of no sex and just getting on with life.

Try to except that not everyone is like you

Take your own advice.

And furthermore try not to depict your fetish as common, when it's not.

This poster does not need you cheer leading for cuckolding relationships, just because you're in one. She's not even comfortable with what she's being cornered into doing, just to get some intimacy.

Read the room.

Instead you're just insensitively cheer leading for your lifestyle choice. Nobody cares if you and your man both have a cuckold fetish.

This is about the op and her marriage, which is not a cuckold relationship, nor does she give the slightest signs of wanting it to be.

He hasn’t asked to be choked. He likes to be treated as a slave to satisfy me sexually. I’m not sure if that’s the same or something else.

Why does he need help? Lots of people "get off" on their own sexual fetishism. Its just not for you.

You need to decide if its a deal breaker for you. It seems it is. So thats that

You shouldn't be coerced into anything you are not comfortable with

He needs therapy as he’s from a ‘good’ family with a multitude of their own issues that as with all middle class families linger behind a facade of success. His dad is dominated by his mother, it’s a very matriarchal family.

He has (H does) have anxiety, OCD and health anxiety, issues with control.

You can not go on like this OP. You must make a stand and put a stop to this situation. It sounds deeply unhealthy. I know it is difficult for the many reasons you have spoken about in this thread. However, you can find the strength.

No one should ever partake in sexual acts that they are very uncomfortable with. EVER!!!!

*I think I mentioned I’ve used a strap on him, which I had to stop I couldn’t cope with it"

Oh op, this sex life sounds so shit & fucked up for you. As it would be for the vast majority of women.

(Ignore the fetish cheer leaders who just can't stay off threads like this).

If you can't split for to private school fees etc, what about an open relationship. An open one in which you no longer have to have sex like this and he can find partners that share his fetishes?

You could also hopefully find someone for an average/typical sex life.

Then perhaps split when the kids are through school.

@Xenoi24 this is my possible plan, my fear is well what this models at home. Does it mean we will just function as friends at home? Sleep in separate rooms.

strap on stuff was in our 20s I’ve not done that for years. I think it was his idea. I didn’t even know what one was. I’ve just fallen into this pleasing him. I think back to when we conceived the girls and I feel sad that they were not acts of love. I got pregnant first time with both so I know exactly what they were.

@SoAlone1981 from everything you said it seems like his kink is least of his issues and the direct result of untreated mental health issues he has

he needs to sort out his anxiety, need for control and OCD before he can even begin to address while getting humiliated turns him on

There is a popular theory that people who in everyday life have extreme need to control their environment are more prone to develop these kinks because that's the ultimate form of relaxation for them - they have no control and someone else is in charge

basically he needs therapy, loads of therapy

My therapist has told me too that this would not be usual for most men. So I know it’s not usual.

As a starting point, you need to talk to him.

@PaintedEgg he needs tonnes of therapy possibly more than I had. He’s reluctant, he’s so fearful maybe? Or gets cross when I mention it. I don’t really know what more to say, I’ve got a recommended therapist from my therapist: but he’s not entertaining the idea.

@OrlandointheWilderness i do I try. I am so in crisis mode at the moment I can’t focus on my day job. I don’t want to be near him or look at him. I don’t want to interact with him. I’m forcing usual communication for the sake of the kids.

You are an ignorant person. At no point did I say it was "common". I said it was becoming more common, which it is.

Secondly I am not a cheerleader for any life style. However, if a post is about a certain subject it is generally a good idea to get a perspective from all sides, both positive and negative, especially if like me you have experience in the subject. You have known.

Thirdly, I have suggested that the OP has to get this situation under control given how unhappy it is making.

Now.... Once again. Make an effort to be less judgemental, more open minded, less bitter about other people relationships.

Then you need to finish it.

I think it would be most helpful for the OP to just set aside all debate of whether different people see this kink as a positive or negative, a worry or commonplace, everybody has different opinions on things and that is I suppose what makes us all unique!

He is not wrong to have these interests and equally OP isn’t wrong to not have them, it just means you want different things sexually and that is okay, so you just need to look at what your options are. Sexless relationship? Both looking elsewhere sexually? Or you separate? It’s entirely up to you OP. Realistically it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks of a kink, all that matters is what YOU think as it is your sex life impacted, if you don’t like it then it really doesn’t matter if the rest of the world does or doesn’t, you can leave a situation that does not work for you x

Oh, do just give over.

And stop lecturing & instructing people "Once again .." as if you have any authority, you don't.

You have been tone deaf to the op's situation and feelings. You're just derailing the thread now.

Many many people won't think your fetish and lifestyle are positive things.

As I pointed out, I bet you could not be open and honest with people about it, outside of the fetish community.

Maybe you need to deal with that in a thread of your own, instead of posting unhelpful posts here.

@OrlandointheWilderness I do not know what to do but thank you for your advice. @Mrsttcno1 yes it seems those are my options.

@Rachel757677 what is driving the rise? Pornography?

@Xenoi24 thanks for your efforts to keep it on track.

I remember when my youngest was born we ended up in separate bedrooms, he was absolutely fine leading this separate life. I forced us back into a bedroom together as I was so so lonely and the girls would talk about Mummy’s room and Daddy’s room. I didn’t want them to see this as normal. And now I’ve spent the last two nights in a spare room.

He would be absolutely fuming if he knew I had this thread.

I have a session tomorrow with my therapist who has heard me go round in circles about this, but I’ve never been at such a crisis point. A point of just hating him. I hate I hate him. I don’t think I actually hate him, it’s a crisis cos I love him. But I have so much anger in me. I can’t believe I made so many bad decisions, I just wanted to be loved by someone. I had an alcoholic father who died, a mother who showed very little if not no affection.

i had no modelling of a good relationship. I suffered from neglect as a child too. I just wanted some love.

I'd be questioning if it's a true kink or a escalation of porn addiction op. If you head over to reddit love after porn you'll find lots of resources and women in your situation. Perhaps from there you can see if it feels like its the case.

Do you think maybe now, for whatever reason, you’re at a crisis point because you have just realised that you cannot go on like this?

There’s nothing wrong with admitting you want a better life and relationship for yourself. I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood. It may be worth reframing your current situation in your mind to think of your children now- You have daughters who are learning from what a healthy relationship looks like by watching you and their dad. Would you be happy if in 15 years time you are watching them in relationships like yours, or would you want better for them?

You can model a good, healthy, loving relationship for them now. Believe me that will make a much bigger difference to their lives than private school x

@Mrsttcno1 yes I think so. I’ve just reached a point but I can’t talk to anyone as it’s so embarrassing, I see it as a reflection on me. I see it as a reflection on my worth. Or my attractiveness to men, I’ve always been abused by men. My dad would often comment on my obesity , H has never really said a positive or negative word to me about my appearance; it’s like I’m invisible, he’s never said oh you have a great ass or lovely boobs! He’s never said you have gorgeous eyes.

@Mrsttcno1 yes I know this re modelling of relationships and school. I know. Thank you for your support.

@MightyGoldBear perhaps, when he was in a separate bedroom I remember picking up his wank tissues once. A lot of them.

I am going to share a small bit of my past because some of your story absolutely reminds me of things I have experienced.

I had a chaotic, dysfunctional childhood and then ended up having a child with first guy that showed any interest in me. I absolutely ignored the massive red flags waving at me. I definitely knew in my gut it wasn’t right for me. As is typical of these situations my Ex had many issues himself. My eldest wasn’t born out of love. The sex was terrible and I always felt dirty and ashamed afterwards.
Over time I changed massively. The biggest change was accepting that I am a worthwhile person who deserves respect. He didn’t change or work on his own demons and to this day cannot accept that he has any problems. I stayed longer then I should mostly due to fear and finances. Before we left my child had friends and did well in school, seemed happy. DC absolutely flourished when we left. I finally got to be the mother DC deserved.

The other thing was I took on the weight of his problems as well as my own. Almost like it was my job to look after him because he had so many problems. I made excuses for his behaviour but never gave myself any kindness at all. Maybe this is something you might be doing too.

I wish I could give you a big hug OP. You sound like you have come so far. You mightn’t be feeling like you can leave him but maybe right now you can drop the rope and just focus on yourself and the kids.