H likes sub/fantasy of cuckold/humiliation

[SoAlone1981]

And I’m fed up.

So we’ve gone for the first time months without sex because I’m just not willing to act on his kink/fetish. He won’t ask for sex or push for it because well it defeats his need.

To be honest I went months without it and thought I could convince myself to be celibate but last night I just needed sex. And I caved, I did some dirty talking said to him imagine if you had to watch someone have sex with me etc cos I know it turns him on and we’d have sex.

Afterwards I feel humiliated I find sex is functional and I’m also in the lead all the time.

This is 21 years of this relationship.

This is one thing amongst many, I don’t want to split our family we have two young DD.

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

I’m in therapy.

Can anyone help? Is this the right place to post?

There's a difference between wanting to fuck one and wanting to be one.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

(the kinky partner can always fulfil his needs with 'professionals')

Please don't suggest that a man paying a woman to set aside her reluctance is an acceptable option. It isn't, it's paying to rape someone.''

You misunderstood my meaning: I was referring to professional Dommes who don't have sex with their clients by the way.

If he does have ASD (it’s mild if he does have it) but if he does, how do I change anything? I can’t can I?

you cannot change anything

he is solely responsible for his mental health - he should be seeking treatment for his issues, he should be ensuring his symptoms don't affect others. You can be supportive only if there is anything to support - as it stands he expects enabling and you don't need to put up with that

His fetishes are one thing, but your kids are also growing up with a dad who had unmedicated anxiety and OCD, and they probably can sense tension and lack of loving connection between parents

His selfish choice to not do anything about his issues is affecting everyone around him

It doesn't matter. If he behaves in ways that disgust you, you have the right to end the relationship.

No one owes autistic people a marriage or even a date, and I say that as someone autistic.

Just to say I’ve finished on an unintentionally extended session with my therapist and I am slightly in a better place, although still feeling at a very vulnerable point.

Ultimately I have to decide what I want to do, I have the choice now not to have sex. As the sex won’t be on my terms. I also see I live in a controlling environment. The therapist has also asked me the question is he bi-curious, is he possibly gay? You know he has never commented on another woman or said another woman is pretty or good looking.

Anyway I am in a pretty vulnerable place but I have some security in that I live in a safe environment, I have choices. For now I feel better for your support and my therapists. I have a lot to work out and work through. I am glad I came to the forum and but this on the board. I hope it might help someone else one day. Thank you.

It doesn’t sound like he compliments anyone on appearance- you, other women, men etc. He may just not do that.

even if he is not gay or bi-curious, you are still not compatible and you will never be, while his issues are creating toxic environment for your kids

ultimately, he is a product of generational trauma, do you want your children to end up like him?

You do seem more positive today OP.

For all the negatives we say about the internet. It is nice to be able to reach out and confide in people. It’s hard to confide IRL because you don’t want pity and people mean well but unless they have been in a dysfunctional relationship they don’t get the toll it takes on you. You are seeing clearly the impact this is having on you so hopefully that will allow you to make whatever changes you need to be n your time.

To pick up on your Question about ASD. I have an autistic child. It’s absolutely my job to help him figure out how to cope with the challenges his ASD presents. I strongly suspect my ex is autistic but it was never my job to help him manage it. However, I often felt like he was my responsibility because he wasn’t coping and wouldn’t do anything about it.

@Crunchingleaf interesting you say that as my therapist has said with my propensity to rescue that I am taking on more of his issues than I should. That is what you’re saying about your ex? There is a lot of work to be done, I’ve been seeing this therapist for almost two years and this is pretty much the first time I have mentioned any of this.

I also feel like it’s my responsibility so taking on more in the home. I don’t know how he’d survive without me cos I do so much to make his life easier (sacrificing my own).

I am feeling somewhat better after this talk and with the therapist today. I feel a little bit more in control. Slightly like some of the fog is lifting. I will work through this. It can’t be what it was before.

I can see loads on Reddit about pegging and how a lot of straight men love it, but I’m confused because well gay men wouldn’t be pegged cos they are with a man already so it would only be ‘straight’ men?

Have pegged one of my male partners (who happens to be bi)

Gay/bi/straight is about attraction to men/both/women.

Butt toys are about nerve endings and prostate stimulation, which is nothing to do with sexual attraction.

Also, not all gay/bi men have anal sex.

Thanks @PansyPolly I didn’t know that about Gay men.

Look up "sides" in a gay sex context.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia thank you. I imagine he is bi-curious rather than gay. I think I’m what would be known as an ‘alpha’ female so that probably feeds into his attraction to me.

I feel like his overall submissiveness has held us back in life, and probably what’s not helped is me carrying him to the extent I have. It’s not helped him grow as he’s been happy for me to do everything from managing the house finances to the kids. He’s happy to do chores around the house but not anything that requires thinking and as long as I do what I need to do to give him the space to do those chores. Anyway, I’ve just got to keep perspective and work out what I want.

@SoAlone1981 sorting everything out for his life to be easier for him is not being an alpha female. It's you being manipulated. Which is the same problem as your original post. For some reason, you are choosing not to see it.

@Hellsmells it’s not I’m not choosing to see it, I’m not sure how I am being manipulated. He’s not getting up in the morning and manipulating. He’s a good, kind man. Honestly! He doesn’t pester me to have sex, I’m the one that has to go to him, granted I have to play to his fetish.

I’m sorry I don’t see it. I am really trying. I am just feeling incredibly sad and confused at the moment.

I think it’s just easy for him (of course it is) that I do everything during the week. But he will help at weekends, he’ll go out and get lunch stuff, do lots of laundry etc. we have a cleaner.

My FIL is a really nice man, but he has (oddly, although maybe it's a hint that i should look after his son better) told me that he likes being with my MIL because she does everything for him. He doesn't have to think about anything. Not money, not their future, all down to her. But he does help to keep a tidy and well decorated house. His life is organised for him. Is it manipulation? I dont know. I'm not sure my MIL understands how deliberate his inaction is. It suits them both, I think. But it doesn't sounds like it suits you anymore. Obviously not exactly the same situation, but you sound worn down. And upset. You are allowed to not be his caretaker.

@Hellsmells yes I’m unhappy but I don’t want to make a rash decision. Thanks for sharing your family story it doesn’t sound dissimilar

He doesn’t pester me to have sex, I’m the one that has to go to him, granted I have to play to his fetish.

I know you can't see it yet, but that is a form of controlling behaviour.
Asking you for sex is normal in a relationship. But he isn't asking for sex that you both want, which is why you are describing him asking as 'pestering'.
He has withdrawn from mutual physical affection and makes you approach him. Does he describe you asking him for enjoyable sex as 'pestering'?

@SoAlone1981 He doesn’t pester me to have sex, I’m the one that has to go to him, granted I have to play to his fetish.
That is manipulative.

I should say he doesn’t ask for sex, he doesn’t pester me for sex.

I don’t think he can see what he does is abusive he’s not doing it from a place of malice. It’s the way he is I think cos of his fetish?

If I go to him for sex he’ll say he’s tired or it’s not the right time. If I play to his fetish then he will have sex with me. That’s it basically. He’ll have sex cos he is turned on. If I talk to him during the day and we agree we’ll have sex later, he then will say he’s too tired, even if we did agree we would.