H likes sub/fantasy of cuckold/humiliation

[SoAlone1981]

And I’m fed up.

So we’ve gone for the first time months without sex because I’m just not willing to act on his kink/fetish. He won’t ask for sex or push for it because well it defeats his need.

To be honest I went months without it and thought I could convince myself to be celibate but last night I just needed sex. And I caved, I did some dirty talking said to him imagine if you had to watch someone have sex with me etc cos I know it turns him on and we’d have sex.

Afterwards I feel humiliated I find sex is functional and I’m also in the lead all the time.

This is 21 years of this relationship.

This is one thing amongst many, I don’t want to split our family we have two young DD.

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

I’m in therapy.

Can anyone help? Is this the right place to post?

@Aquamarine1029 i feel hopeless because I know it would destroy the girls

Have you seen this thread, OP? The OP (who has a username like yours but is 10 years younger by the look of it) has a fiance with similar tastes but he’s pushing her to actually have sex with another man. If your H got to that stage, what would you do?
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5013979-finance-wants-me-to-sleep-with-another-man

Not seen it @EmpressaurusOfTheScathingTinsel i will read it, my H would not ask me to have sex with another man. It’s the fantasy of it that turns him on the humiliation mental thought of it. Not the act itself. In a sense if I chose to sleep with someone else then I think he would still stay with me, it would possibly turn him on in some way. Bizarre I know!

In that case I think you really need to cut your losses and leave, you should not be engaging in sex that you don’t want.

I suppose it depends on how you really feel deep down about his desires/wants. Do they fit into your category of “absolutely not” or are they in a category of “not my personal interest but willing to play that way occasionally”. Is it a hard limit as in “absolutely not” or is it something that although it isn’t YOUR kink you are willing to engage with occasionally, that’s a decision only you can make obviously. Is there a conversation to have whereby you explain clearly that you don’t love that kind of sex, but you would like xyz instead, and depending on both of your views you can perhaps come to a compromise or meet half way if you really don’t want to just walk away?

Ultimately, you’re not sexually compatible. So that means your options really are:

1. A completely sexless relationship
2. One or both of you ends up engaging in sex that they don’t enjoy/aren’t really interested in
3. You open the physical side of your relationship up (if you really don’t want to split up) and so he can go find somebody to fulfil his sexual desires with and you can do the same.

Thank you @Mrsttcno1 for making it so black and white for me, those are my choices. I suppose I’ve sat in the camp of it’ll do but I don’t have a lot of sexual experience beforehand so I watch things like Normal People or recently One day (I know so so so ridiculous) and try to imagine a time in my 20s like that which we didn’t have, I remember him asking to use a strap on on him, which I did for a period of time then I just couldn’t do it anymore. I did try to be the DOM, I did the stuff he wanted. Dog leash, I even urinated on him, but then I said no. I tied him up, I put make up on him. It makes me feel so disgusted in myself. Maybe I did get a bit of a kick out of it, but now I feel desperately sad.

I just want someone to love me for me, I’m not saying he doesn’t love me as a person. I’m not sure really, he’s not overly emotionally engaging, is like a little toddler sometimes with his tantrums.

He has a stressful high powered job and I just kind of go along with stuff so I don’t cause more stress.

Part of the reason I’ve stayed is because I’m from a different culture and religion to my H. I had to battle with my family to marry H. So it would be the humiliation of that too.

The kids are doing well academically and sport wise. They have a good community of friends and both at excellent schools. A lot of what they do could not be replicated if I was to move back near my family who are are 150 miles from us. I guess I wouldn’t take them away from their lives here of school family and friends. Especially the 13 year old. They are close to H parents too, I anticipate a lonely life on my own. If I left. Other times I consider how much a house would be and perhaps I could do it.

I’ve sat in the camp of it’ll do

I know someone who stayed in an unhappy relationship because he didn’t hit her. Set your bar higher, you deserve better.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever stopped for a minute to think about what YOU might want @SoAlone1981 ? Why don’t you do exactly that, have a real honest think about what YOU would like?

Whether you stay or leave is of course entirely your decision, and I completely understand that it’s easier said than done when you factor in children, practicalities of housing, schools etc, so that is a decision for only you to make. BUT in the meantime I do think it’s important that you have an open & honest conversation about your sex life, both of you being completely honest about your wants, likes & dislikes, hard limits & soft limits. You cannot go on as you are and it may be that a big ugly honest conversation could find some middle ground between you, or even an agreement to have no sex, or have sex with other people.

@Mrsttcno1 I know where you are coming from, this is the stage I’ve hit with my therapist. Where I’m trying to build a life for myself outside of the marriage, meeting friends. Exercise. Finding hobbies. I’m on anti depressants too for my own anxiety and mid depression. I’m trying, I really am.

and yes it’s the choice of a sexless marriage I think now, as after last night I feel just used in a way. I actually said it to him straight after, it had been months and I felt so desperate for sex I was willing to do whatever for it. It feels awful, I feel so so disgusted with myself.

The kids are thriving now.
There is no reason why they won’t be thriving if you separate.

And don’t be fooled, if he has as many MH issues as you describe, incl OCD, this will affect your dcs. They might not realise because it’s their normal and they’re young. But it will, regardless of how ‘amazing’ they are finding him.

His MH issues I would say are anxiety, issues around control, unable to cope if something is unplanned/not planned his way, OCD since we got broken into and health anxiety too.

I have had a lot of therapy and very good therapy, I really need him to have some therapy. I have suggested someone very good to him. He did some personality profiling for a job and the HR lady fed back to him he has control issues and needs therapy!

Personally - I'd hold on for a bit. Your child is 13 - so not that long to go before they finish school. And - what is 5 years if you already been together for 21.

You can actually have a lot of fun while you are waiting your time. You are already working on doing hobbies and more time with friends. I'd also get in shape, and tell him you need more from sex life.

If he can't do sex the way YOU need it - then you'll be taking a lover. On your terms. It's only fair after his kink ruling your sex life for this long.
I have a feeling he won't be against it and your sex life will actually improve.

Once kids are done with school - you can decide what you do.

@Sashya this is sort of where I’ve got to with my therapist too, that it’d be too disruptive for the kids. The youngest is 9 though so it’s a long time.

I need to focus on myself.

I’d watch cheaters if I were you OP, it’s on bbc one and there’s a couple with a similar situation. Might help you decide what to do!

The thing is OP in terms of your relationship, how much would this change how you feel, or your likelihood to stay?

I totally agree if he is struggling with stress etc then therapy would be beneficial to him, but it is not going to change his sexual desires and kinks. And it seems from this post that that’s the real problem for you, you’re not sexually compatible and so the result is you’re almost “performing” when you want sex.

So yeah, he could have therapy, but you’re still going to have the same issues in the bedroom.

This is why I initially said I think you need to look at this as 2 separate issues.

The sex/kinks is what it is, you cannot change that about him. The mental health side yeah, he could possibly change, but would that be enough to make you then overlook the sexual issues, which seem to be the dominant issue you are facing based on your posts here?

If your partner is so awful that YOU need therapy, the time to leave is long since come.

Imagine getting therapy thinking you can mend a wound - when the knife is still lodged in it!

Remove the knife. Then you might not even need therapy. But if you do, it'll have a chance if actually working!

@Pinkbonbon I don’t have therapy just because of him, but of course our marriage comes up in my sessions with the therapist.

@Mrsttcno1 thank you again, in away I feel if he got therapy to deal with his behaviours then I could deal with the bedroom stuff, I don’t know if he can change his job is super super stressful and he’s struggling I can see. The exacerbates his control issues and other things like OCD etc.

The more I try to exert my boundaries where I’m not such a pushover the more it seems to make him cross in our daily lives, the more I’m advocating against his control stuff etc.

The sexual side I think I could possibly sacrifice, since I started sertraline I do have less of a sex drive.

"he doesn’t know it’s not consensual or it’s not what I want, because I just know that’s the only way he will get turned on."

Has this always been the case, as in, have you always or usually had sex in this femdom way and he isn't aware that it's not what you want?

@PansyPolly pretty much, I mean I can maybe remember once when it was a bit him leading but it’s always me dominating.

That’s why I think he liked the strap on. Which in the end I just couldn’t do.

Perhaps you should seek the best looking, well hung stud you can find...and enjoy a night of fantastic sex!
Your Hubby can't complain when he's desperate for you to do it...if you're getting grief and sounds like you need a good seeing to....go have some fun!

@HappySoulMate I guess I’m seeking a deeper connection. Not just sex.

Yuk! You don’t need this. Was he always this way?

@43ontherocksporfavor yes, it’s so painful to think of everything I wasted sexually anyway: of course I’m beyond grateful for my DDs and the rest of the life I’ve built with H. I’m just frustrated.

It gets to the point where I fantasises about the few men I slept with before I met H. They were more domineering and in control. And it was not many maybe 3. And it wasn’t long term cos it was while at Uni. H was my first proper relationship.

Should I just find someone else for the sex?

Nobody else on here can answer that. Sex should never be dominated by either partner in my opinion. As you acknowledge, your history is playing a large part. Get lots of support and therapy if you can. Good luck.