H likes sub/fantasy of cuckold/humiliation

[SoAlone1981]

And I’m fed up.

So we’ve gone for the first time months without sex because I’m just not willing to act on his kink/fetish. He won’t ask for sex or push for it because well it defeats his need.

To be honest I went months without it and thought I could convince myself to be celibate but last night I just needed sex. And I caved, I did some dirty talking said to him imagine if you had to watch someone have sex with me etc cos I know it turns him on and we’d have sex.

Afterwards I feel humiliated I find sex is functional and I’m also in the lead all the time.

This is 21 years of this relationship.

This is one thing amongst many, I don’t want to split our family we have two young DD.

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

I’m in therapy.

Can anyone help? Is this the right place to post?

PS I’ve name changed been on MN for about 13 years.

Do you want your daughters being raised by a man who has so many issues?

Honestly I would bide my time until the children get a bit older, then clear out. They shouldn’t have to suffer for their dad’s kinks.

This is one thing amongst many, I don’t want to split our family we have two young DD.

Very, very few people relish the thought of ending their marriage, but there are certain instances where that is the only reasonable course of action.

The level of dysfunction in your marriage is insurmountable, and the impact this will have on your children will follow them throughout their lives, nevermind the fact that you are clearly miserable. Who wouldn't be?

You need to get out, and quickly.

I’m not sure I do but the kids adore him. But yes I’m biding my time. He needs help so much help.

Why is the level of dysfunction insurmountable? The kids are thriving, genuinely doing well.

but I wish he’d get therapy.

his kinks don’t affect our DD. Sorry to be defensive but this is 21 years.

Biding your time for what? All that's accomplishing is exposing your kids to more dysfunction. Your children will still adore their father, but they would no longer have a desperately unhappy mother.

Did he always have this kink/fettish? If so, why has it taken 21 years for you to get fed up of it when it would usually be a matter of weeks?

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

that is and will continue to effect your children. It’s one thing if he seeks help but what’s the point when he doesn’t care?

@Opentooffers i have been in a lot of therapy myself and realised through childhood traumatic experiences, later sexual assaults, some child sex abuse of me that I don’t really have the respect for myself. He was my first boyfriend and first proper sexual adult experience that wasn’t an assault (as a child or as an adult). He is was caring and loving in other ways, from a good family, good job, overall good prospects and to the outside world we’ve built a great family home. So I guess I’ve just stuck with it.

his kinks don’t affect our DD.

Anything that affects you, affects your kids.

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

If he refuses to get help, it's insurmountable.

But won’t they be exposed to the dysfunction whether I’m here or not? Isn’t it better I’m here and support the kids should something about his dysfunction arise? Eg when he’s controlling on their homework I balance it and help the kids. If I wasn’t here then he would be controlling probably even more so without me there.

With the advent of the net and now smartphones - every man I've met at clubs etc years ago wanted to do threesomes etc etc - its not for everyone but some couples go for it others don't.

We used to go to a suna/steam room club may years ago in kent and the owner an older man than us at the time was telling us that most men that came to the uni-sex suna wanted to see their OH with another man etc etc but only a few saw it all the way through

You know what you want and don't want, it is your choice, your body.

My OH was a pest about doing stuff but as time went on and we were really happy, we experimented and both were happy but I would not do something if I did not want to. Btw, this is all many blue moons ago

I suggest you guys go out for walks etc more so, a bite to etc, little breaks, walks on the beach but it is your choice - good luck with your OH

Perhaps it’s me that’s changed then. I don’t want that anymore. That I want to be desirable not a toy and I want to be loved/made love to?

BTW - too much made-up stuff on the net about sharing OH's and many are easily led believe the tripe they watch thinking it is "genuine couples" when they are not but actors.

We all do and if when we get that, we are all happier. Tell him but I'm sure you have

personally I would request he gets help before letting him have unsupervised access.
you’re already protecting dds from his controlling personality and you’ve fallen into the trap many abused women do in that thinking ‘it’s not as bad as…’ means it’s good.

regardless of his kinks etc sit him down and say 1. I’m not doing it get over it. 2. Get help for your controlling behaviour. 3. Get help for stress and anxiety. Either he puts his family first or he leaves.

He was my first boyfriend and first proper sexual adult experience that wasn’t an assault (as a child or as an adult). He is was caring and loving in other ways, from a good family, good job, overall good prospects and So I guess I’ve just stuck with it.

You're living a sunk cost fallacy. All of those marginally positive things don't automatically make a successful partnership.

to the outside world we’ve built a great family home.

The "outside world" doesn't actually have to live in your home or live your life, though. What does it matter what the opinion of these outsiders is?

you need to tell him to drop it and respect your boundaries. You’ve said no you’re not interested that should be the end of it. It’s fine to have kinks but you shouldn’t push them on your partner, it should be I want to try this, is this something you’re open to? If the answer is no then that’s the end of the conversation

You deserve this. You will never have this if you choose to stay in this marriage.

@DistingusedSocialCommentator I have but I don’t think he knows how. We were very young about 21/22 when we met. Prior to me he said he’d struggled with sex as he’d struggled with condoms and an erection. Probably because these women were too young or unable to feed his fantasties. I don’t know how it has happened I fell into this dominant role. I come from a dysfunctional family (dad alcoholic died young) I had to from an early age take charge of things, mum didn’t speak English very well. Part of me thought DH was better than me, educated from a well off family. At no point did I consider they had faults. I just went along with it all.

@Aquamarine1029 i know. I feel
hopeless.

I think you have 2 separate issues to tackle/think about here.

1. His kink/sexual desires, there is in general nothing wrong with him having these. Everybody has their own sexual preferences and interests, there’s nothing wrong with that, the “problem” though is if your partner does not share them. You absolutely should not engage or participate in sex that you don’t want, and it’s not fair for anybody to force their kinks/desires onto you if you do not share them or want that. It’s important that you know you are able to say you don’t want that & don’t feel you have to do that. The issue is though he isn’t wrong for having those desires and you can’t change them, so if this is a hard line for you, which it sounds like it is, then it does likely mean the end of the relationship unless you are both willing to live in a sexless relationship forever more. Staying together when you have opposing “desires” or kinks does just mean you will both find yourselves ending up having sex that one of you is unhappy with or doesn’t want and honestly that isn’t fair on either of you.

2. His other behaviours, need for control, OCD, stress, anxiety etc. These are things that he COULD work on, but he would need to want to, for example therapy. You can’t make him do this work, it has to come from a desire to change himself because otherwise it will never last.

It's not hopeless. You have options. You can make new choices. The only thing keeping you in this marriage is you.

@Mrsttcno1 absolutely I agree. I am not forced into it. I want sex therefore I then play the game I know will turn him on, he doesn’t know it’s not consensual or it’s not what I want, because I just know that’s the only way he will get turned on.