H likes sub/fantasy of cuckold/humiliation

[SoAlone1981]

And I’m fed up.

So we’ve gone for the first time months without sex because I’m just not willing to act on his kink/fetish. He won’t ask for sex or push for it because well it defeats his need.

To be honest I went months without it and thought I could convince myself to be celibate but last night I just needed sex. And I caved, I did some dirty talking said to him imagine if you had to watch someone have sex with me etc cos I know it turns him on and we’d have sex.

Afterwards I feel humiliated I find sex is functional and I’m also in the lead all the time.

This is 21 years of this relationship.

This is one thing amongst many, I don’t want to split our family we have two young DD.

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

I’m in therapy.

Can anyone help? Is this the right place to post?

I’m at a loss. Thanks to everyone for the support on here. I do appreciate it.

His kink and his MH are all about control. And part of his kink is giving him some relief from the excessive control he feels he has to have in other parts of his life. This would be an excellent thing to discuss with a sex therapist - Relate often have them on staff. Do you think he would go if you told him it was essential? He maybe shocked to hear you are fed up of his kink if it has not been discussed before but sex has to be give and take, and without discussion and exploration, it may not be possible to find something you both like. It may not be possible anyway, but from what you have said, it is worth a try.

@Atethehalloweenchocs gosh thank you!!! I will try to see if he’ll see Relate.

You are welcome @SoAlone1981 . If there are not specialist ones at your local Relate, you could try COSRT - College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists. But Relate are generally really good. His need to have relief from control (the humiliation, sub thing) is a reaction to his excessive need for control elsewhere (OCD is a classic over control condition). This is why so many men high up in the establishment are into BDSM. He may find he is open to other sexual things if his overall MH is better but he genuinely may never have made the connection between them. It also sounds like he does not see his anxiety as a real problem (which is not uncommon) - ime people like this are often shocked to hear how it affects people around them. It is like their anxiety is a set of blinkers and they cannot see around them.

I hope you can work it out so you have a more fulfilling life. It is hard work being in the dom role - that is why people get paid so muchfor it!!!!

I think you really to remember that what you are describing is a relationship where things worked because you did things his way. Not just in the bedroom but outside of it too.

So when you start stating boundaries, it goes per shape.

Yes sex therapy might help. But I think there is more than sex therapy that is needed. Esp when you say that stuff outside the bedroom were better maybe you’d be more open to fulfilling his fantaisies too.

Are you really saying you are ready to stay in that marriage with all the issues your dh has, in or outside the bedroom, and him refusing to do anything about it, fir the next 10 years??

If you talk about not disrupting the dcs too much, I’d separate now.
Before your oldest start GCSE and then A levels.

Otherwise, even if you desperately want to put a stop to it all, there will GCSE so can’t do that. 2 years passed. A level can’t do that to dc1. 2 years again have passed. Oh but dc2 is 14yo now. GCSE soon. Can’t do it …. Etc….

This is abuse! Being coerced into his fetishes is abuse.

Why did you stay for 21 years and have 2 young children with him?. How will you surmount it when he won't get help?. If you can't leave then you have to accept it.

I am working on him trying to get help. I think it’s my therapy that’s opened my eyes to the dysfunctionality? of the sexual side and least and also opened my eyes to his anxiety.

I feel trapped on finances too, we earn relatively similarly for now, however I do the bulk of kids running around as I’m self employed and we also privately educate the kids. We don’t have a spare pound to spend on running another house.

he’s not a bad person, he’s just anxious and got these control issues. But I’m finding them increasingly intolerable.

brick wall and head come to mind! I worry about dying and leaving my girls, and him. I don’t know how he’d cope.

Does he have any notion that he is the root of any of your unhappiness? Because honestly I doubt he will get therapy until you lay the issues out for him. Stressful job or not your house of cards is very fragile.

@Wallywobbles I have in some ways. But it’s like speaking to a brick wall. I don’t know if it goes through one ear and out the other cos he thinks maybe I won’t walk away ever? I don’t have the guts cos I do love him. I don’t want to break up the family. But I’m starting to resent him a lot. I spend my evenings upstairs watching TV on my phone, browsing on MN, reading, I don’t even sit with him anymore. He comes to bed at 11ish and reads, we talk a tiny bit but he doesn’t like to talk too much as he likes to unwind before bed by reading.

I’m just a bit tired of it all.

Can i just say for my ExH my unadorned self was not enough for him sexually and the sex was either awful or abhorrent to me. My self worth was horribly impacted by it.

I met my now DH at 43. Despite the fact that I'm fat, just stroking me is enough to excite him and the sex is blissfully uncomplicated. And he's a very good sort!

Ah @Wallywobbles how lovely for you both!

You don’t love him it’s clear. His sexual preferences also revolt you. Leave. Your children won’t be better off for witnessing a loveless/ repulsed couple.

Thanks @Wallywobbles I’m fat too. I wonder if he is all I’m worth, horrific I know. I mean I have random men hit on me, annoying flirty school dads giving me a look or two. I just recoil cos maybe I think I’m so undesirable. But I know I’m not. I’m clever, so bloody clever, I can work a room. I’ve got a pretty high powered job. I just can’t get my head round all this I’m putting up with.

Our lives are so intertwined and H isn’t a bad man! He’s bloody hot too, tall, muscular etc. I used to wonder why he was with me and I think now it’s cos well I know how to turn him on and play the role. Honestly I just want someone to want me for me. Not for the dirty talk. Just to touch me, love me. Make love to me. Not me talking dirty to get some sex.

I also know now after last night I won’t have sex again for months cos it messes me up like this when I do it. FML.

don’t have the guts cos I do love him

you absolutely do not love him. This isn’t love. It’s being tied together through fear.

@Flowerfairie then why haven’t I cheated on him? What’s the fear?

How can I upend the kids lives? I hate we’ve put them in Private school because then we’d have the money to separate.

I used to wonder why he was with me and I think now it’s cos well I know how to turn him on and play the role

this is one of the most depressing things I’ve read. He is with you because you’re unconfident and overweight and therefore you ‘demanding’ sex turns him on??? Stop it op. You are better than him. Way way better.

@SoAlone1981 children are fine as long as you’re open and honest with them (not that their dead has a weird sexual kink!). The fear is just being without someone you’re so used to. I know it well. I was with my ex for 21 years too. Since uni. We both hung around 10 years longer than we should

@Flowerfairie it’s because I have no one telling me that I’m beautiful. Maybe friends, family when I’m dressed up and make up on. When I want him to tell me I’m beautiful and I want him to love me and my body.

He needs me to tell him what to do in bed, for example last night i really wanted sex it had been months and I just could not hold off. So I knew that all I had to say was imagine someone was in this room watching us, imagine I was being f’d by someone else, it got dirtier etc it turns him on then I tell him to f me. That’s it. It lasted like 5 mins and I pushed him off me. Cos I came literally in 2 mins. I mean it was just awful.

@Flowerfairie we are the same since our Masters so straight after uni at another Uni we met.

I cannot afford to leave, we can’t afford to leave each other cos we need our combined incomes to fund the kids schooling. We can’t run two houses.

Your have a lot of problems with your husband. However, if he is turned on by the thought of you being with someone else, and you are sexually frustrated, why not kill two birds with one stone and find a lover.

No-one tells me I’m beautiful either. But they don’t need to - I really don’t care!

it’s tough about the schooling. Are they in senior school?