H likes sub/fantasy of cuckold/humiliation

[SoAlone1981]

And I’m fed up.

So we’ve gone for the first time months without sex because I’m just not willing to act on his kink/fetish. He won’t ask for sex or push for it because well it defeats his need.

To be honest I went months without it and thought I could convince myself to be celibate but last night I just needed sex. And I caved, I did some dirty talking said to him imagine if you had to watch someone have sex with me etc cos I know it turns him on and we’d have sex.

Afterwards I feel humiliated I find sex is functional and I’m also in the lead all the time.

This is 21 years of this relationship.

This is one thing amongst many, I don’t want to split our family we have two young DD.

He’s got a lot of issues OCD, needs control, gets easily stressed, has anxiety. He isn’t willing to do anything about all these issues.

I’m in therapy.

Can anyone help? Is this the right place to post?

@Rachel757677 cos it’s all in his head. He doesn’t actually want that and I don’t want to have someone else for sex and a husband at home.

I think you’re all telling me it’s all unsurmountable and the only thing to do is separate.

@Flowerfairie Prep and Senior we have years of this. Years.

It is only ever insurmountable if you feel as if you have exhausted all possibilities. Have you?

@Rachel757677 no - I need to make it black and white for him and ask him to have therapy for his anxiety.

Can you agree to live separate lives in the same house? Is there a spare room?

Yes we have a spare room. Yes we could but what’s that modelling the kids?

*to the

Well crack on with that OP. If you still love him it is worth a bit of extra effort given how long you have been together.

Good luck....

Mumsnet, while great in many many ways, can at times promote a bizarrely Victorian attitude regarding the benefits of the traditional nuclear family. Many posters seem to believe that children are significantly better off if raised by two biological.parents still in a couple relationship with each other. . (of course many also don't believe this, but....)

In the real world almost everyone I know agrees that it's absolutely possible to co-parent just as effectively, if not more so, without being together in this way.

Staying together for the children is just not necessary. You are sacrificing yourself on an altar of your own devising, for nobody's benefit.

Many women would love your husband's kink, believe me. You find it repulsive and degrading. So stop.

Find your happiness and let his find his. And be excellent parents who love their kids, separated. You can be friends too. You just quite patently don't make good sexual partners, and prolonging the charade benefits nobody.

Sorry, I just realised I missed this. Don't suppose it is worth my saying that it is possible for children not to go to private school? Or for you to live in smaller houses/a less expensive lifestyle?

Anyway, that's your choice. I think your ideas for your husband to have therapy to change his sexuality is wrong and quite dodgy tho. You are looking almost at some kind of aversion therapy? His sexual preferences are who he is - he is not obliged to change them because they don't suit you. (equally you aren't obliged to cater to them).

I sound really harsh there, I am sorry. I can see you are in a mess - hope you find a way through it. It sounds hellish.

Sorry, it's why kinks are lonely. It's the kinks that are desired, not the partner. It's very one sided and selfish. No intimacy. It's really fucking lonely when you want a real connection.

But I don't think you can change him, not after all this time. And it sounds like it's really hurting you so you need to change something. Does he know this is how you feel?

Mumsnet, while great in many many ways, can at times promote a bizarrely Victorian attitude regarding the benefits of the traditional nuclear family. Many posters seem to believe that children are significantly better off if raised by two biological.parents still in a couple relationship with each other

not to derail but I’ve never got this vibe. If it’s not making you happy it’s not making your children happy

Kinks are lonely. I’m not looking to change him. So yes then it’s not what I want anymore.

it is hellish, it’s beyond mentally hellish. A month ago I did just want to leave, die even.

Nah. You dont want to die. You want to do what many of us women have done - get out of a shit relationship and truly live again. You can do it. I believe in you

Thanks @Flowerfairie

OP

you can’t square the circle. Something has to give. You don’t want to split up because it will disrupt the kids and you don’t want to be intimate with him (understandably) because you want entirely different things in bed.

Sleeping in separate rooms may make these two things easier. Tell the kids one of you snores or whatever.

It's far better than what you're modelling now, I assure you.

it is hellish, it’s beyond mentally hellish. A month ago I did just want to leave, die even.

You lie to yourself that your kids have no idea what's going on in your marriage or how desperately unhappy you, but I promise you, your kids know. Children always know how unhappy their mother is.

I really feel for you, you're in an awful position. I understand that you don't want to disrupt your girls' lives by blowing everything apart over sex...but it's not just about the sex, it's the whole dynamic between you that's diseased, and you can't change that because the dysfunction is on his side and he's doing nothing to address it. I think unfortunately your unhappiness is likely to increase the longer you are in this marriage, he can't fulfil your needs and his sexual wants are repulsive to you (they would be to me as well). I think in your shoes I would have to bite the bullet and split; a clean break would be kinder to everyone than a long drawn out decline. Your girls would be upset, but they would adjust. And you deserve to be happy and have peace of mind and the chance of a relationship with someone you are compatible with.

I’ve just come to the spare room as we’ve had an argument over control around homework. Long story just something that’s been brewing all day, but I’ve been upstairs and him downstairs. I have taken all this on board, the relationship is diseased and the kids will know and see the arguments. It’s so sad as they’re doing so well. They’re such great kids. This will just be so sad for them.

I also want to say it’s all coming to a head because of my therapy. I’ve been working very hard with a therapist on a number of issues for a long time, and I’ve seen a big shift in myself, my boundaries etc recently. This is just part of all that. What was acceptable to me in the past, is no longer acceptable.

That in itself is a huge protective factor for your kids, @SoAlone1981 - they'll have a mother who knows her worth and has boundaries and self-confidence. They need that, not a mum who's sad and struggling.

@sprigatito it means I’m able to advocate for them with him and do things right for them. It’s been such a journey. If I think about my beginnings and where I am now. Thank you

I wouldn't even wait, just leave now.

OP, don't have sex with him again. Get a Hitachi Wand and you quickly won't feel the need to.

his kinks don’t affect our DD. Sorry to be defensive but this is 21 years.

If they did, you'd have a much bigger problem. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Divorce doesn't stop him from seeing his kids. Just leave.

He has been like this for 21 years so you decide to have children with him? He needs help and your children do not need to live with this why do you need to be told this?