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Original poster

Finance wants me to sleep with another man

424 replies

Melly1991 · 22/02/2024 21:12

Title says it all really. Could do with some advice on this. It’s been going on for years. He has never been able to drop it.

I honestly am in two minds. He has said try it and see if we like it, and we can do it again. If not we never have to do it again. Why should I sacrifice something like this for him? He even mentioned introducing another couple a few times, that’s one thing I could never see him with another woman. I’ve said this a few times but he still mentions it sometimes but he has agreed for me to be with a man first and he is desperate to watch in the same room.

I don’t know whether I should go through with this unless I am 100%? Should he not be worshiping my body for himself and not someone else? We have been together 13 years but our sex life has honestly been amazing, I’ve never had any concerns. We are getting married early next year.

It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I wish he would drop it but he won’t and to be honest I’m concerned now we don’t have the same sex drive anymore/ want the same things?

OP posts:
Moosegooseontheloose · 22/02/2024 21:57

If, after the convo he persists, you should dump him.

Lollypop701 · 22/02/2024 21:58

Honestly he’s pushing you into his own voyeurism and can then get a pass on shagging someone else. Even when f you are not keen

As with anything sexual anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. I’d Chuck him back in, as if this were s what he wants he’ll go looking without you sooner or later

purpletrees16 · 22/02/2024 22:00

Had a friend in this situation with a long term bf but too early for marriage ( late 20s). She hummed and hawed but didn’t want to but also wasn’t not adventurous so it also took her a while to realise it was a firm no. The experience that did was: one day he bought a male friend back to her flat for said activity. She made the friend leave. The relationship was over in days. He set himself up in a flat and then entered into a poly relationship with 3 other girls. They sorta stayed friends for a few years so all 4 would come to the pub. They were all on the same page so seemed happy.

She met someone else, is married, and has a wonderful DC and a house in the country.

ChaToilLeam · 22/02/2024 22:00

Melly1991 · 22/02/2024 21:33

@LadyKenya I've said no but then left it open to him again and said I'm
Not 100% and not 100% yes ..

Well, he’s just going to keep bugging you about it, isn’t he?

Tell him a clear and definite NO. In a way that he cannot pretend not to understand your refusal.

(Or simply ditch him, that’s what I’d do with a man who kept pestering me to do things I did not want, sexually or otherwise.)

TeabySea · 22/02/2024 22:01

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/02/2024 21:17

Don’t do it.

You don’t want to do it. You’d know if you wanted to.

If he had any respect for you he’d not be remotely pushing this when you’ve shown clearly that you’re not into it.

Absolutely. You've said no. He should respect your wishes.
If my fiancé behaved like this he'd be an ex.

SharkieAndGeorge · 22/02/2024 22:02

OP this is called cuckolding. Google it. It's not necessarily the case that his ultimate goal is to engineer a quid pro quo where it means he "gets" to sleep with another woman. Some men get off on seeing their partner having sex with another man. I don't get it. But I strongly suggest that it's not going to be a one off, you do it once and he's happy. You do it once and he'll want it again and again.

It's horrendous that you're clearly not into it and yet he'd be ok with it if you acquiesced, and reluctantly went ahead with it. You realise that means he would actually be turned on by watching you have sex with another man when you weren't fully consenting. That's absolutely disgusting. Do you really want to marry a man like that?

BCBird · 22/02/2024 22:03

Get rid.

WandaWonder · 22/02/2024 22:04

I would be running far far away

Waitingforsolong · 22/02/2024 22:04

MILTOBE · 22/02/2024 21:16

Blimey, I read it that the head of Finance wanted you to do this...

Me too ! I was ready to come on here and give employment advice as that’s definitely not part of any contract !!!!

EmpressaurusOfTheScathingTinsel · 22/02/2024 22:04

The percentages are just confusing matters. Just tell him no & if he mentions it again ditch him.

Riverlee · 22/02/2024 22:04

phobiaofsocialmedia · 22/02/2024 21:56

Been an account for years now - finance dep get blamed for bloody everything.

So true!

Riverlee · 22/02/2024 22:05

But seriously, LTB!

BananaPyjamaLlama · 22/02/2024 22:07

That would be an instant no and goodbye for me. Dont demean yourself op. x

Jennalong · 22/02/2024 22:08

At the end of the day it's your decision who you have sex with .
If you are a person that is happy having more than 2 people in a relationship then why not.
If however you are strictly a one person woman , then him trying to persuade you otherwise is coercion , and that should made you run for the hills .

Faz469 · 22/02/2024 22:08

Tell him it's 100% no, and you do not wish to discuss it again. If he holds his hands up and says OK, im sorry. Then maybe you can make it work. If he continues to put pressure on you....RUN!

Either way, his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Personally, I'd already be running, but I've been through this, and the guy turned out to be closet gay....

Eyesopenwideawake · 22/02/2024 22:10

Melly1991 · 22/02/2024 21:12

Title says it all really. Could do with some advice on this. It’s been going on for years. He has never been able to drop it.

I honestly am in two minds. He has said try it and see if we like it, and we can do it again. If not we never have to do it again. Why should I sacrifice something like this for him? He even mentioned introducing another couple a few times, that’s one thing I could never see him with another woman. I’ve said this a few times but he still mentions it sometimes but he has agreed for me to be with a man first and he is desperate to watch in the same room.

I don’t know whether I should go through with this unless I am 100%? Should he not be worshiping my body for himself and not someone else? We have been together 13 years but our sex life has honestly been amazing, I’ve never had any concerns. We are getting married early next year.

It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I wish he would drop it but he won’t and to be honest I’m concerned now we don’t have the same sex drive anymore/ want the same things?

Sounds like he has a cuckold fantasy.

buttons55 · 22/02/2024 22:10

Sorry to say but I was in an ending relationship before and towards the end we talked a lot about having sex with someone else or another couple, never actually did it though. I know a few couples where towards the end they discussed threesomes, etc.

billyt · 22/02/2024 22:11

And don't forget.

You can't undo things if you are daft enough to do it once.

Original poster
Melly1991 · 22/02/2024 22:12

@Eyesopenwideawake he does and that's the problem he can't let it go

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 22/02/2024 22:16

Melly1991 · 22/02/2024 22:12

@Eyesopenwideawake he does and that's the problem he can't let it go

Then it's up to you to decide how you proceed.

Ignore it, indulge it or end the relationship because of it. It's your body, not his fantasy fodder.

Confused118 · 22/02/2024 22:18

It's not the question that would concern me it's the badgering. No means no. Really does sound like you're not on the same page about things, what pleasure could he get from this if you're not into it?

barkymcbark · 22/02/2024 22:19

Just tell him that because you're not 100% then it's a no and to stop asking you. Tell him his behaviour feels like he's trying to bully you into doing something of a sexual nature that you don't want to do, and if he loves and respected you, he'd be ashamed of himself. Tell him before you get married so if it's a deal breaker for him he can walk away now, and if he persists in bringing it up you know he's selfish and only thinking of his own wants and needs

Lillygolightly · 22/02/2024 22:19

Honestly @Melly1991 you just have to give him a flat out hard no. If you know it’s not for you, it’s not for you.

Is he even sure he would like it? Has he done this with another partner before to be sure he likes it? If not that’s a huge amount to put on the line, things like this can change relationships irreversibly, and it would be a daft thing to do when a) your not keen on doing it in the first place and b) even more so if he isn’t sure he likes it or indeed how he/you would feel afterwards once the sexual thrill is over with. The fall out could be huge!

You have just got to be super upfront and honest and tell him that the answer is no and that it won’t be changing and that you don’t want to discuss it any further. If he doesn’t drop it, or brings up to you again I would really have some very serious seconds thoughts on marrying a man who seems to be quiet happy to continue to try to wear you down and erode your boundaries.

If he does this to you in this area of life I absolutely guarantee he does it to you in other areas of life too, it’s just been too subtle or you simply just haven’t noticed yet. Have a hard think and a cold honest look at the past and see if you can identify other instances or situations where he has manipulated you into something he wants, or pushed your boundaries on something.

SquirrelsAssemble · 22/02/2024 22:22

He knows full well you're not into it & thinks if he keeps pestering just long enough you'll cave.

And it's working, because you're so fed up you're here asking if you should ignore your own feelings (you use the word sacrifice) to shut him up.

Do you seriously think he's going to stop if you try & it and he loves it? He already doesn't give a fuck that after years of banging on about it, you're far from enthusiastic - I recon its got the potential to open a whole can of worms that will never go back in the tin. Emotions, potential guilt, what if it turns out he hates it & can't get over you banging another bloke? Will he turn it on you?

It all sounds a massive, massive turn off. Nothing is less sexy than guilt and pressure IMO.

Pointofreference · 22/02/2024 22:23

It would concern me that he'll not say what he wants to your face but only by text. He doesn't want to hear a no. By the same token if you've given him hope by not giving him a clear message that it's not want you want then he'll never give up trying, ( he probably won't give up on anyway.) He sounds pretty persistent. I'd find that really irritating and a real turn off.
This is a massive red flag if it's something you don't want, just by the way he's asking you and the way in which he's pushing it. If you both wanted to do it then that's completely different.

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