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Original poster

Finance wants me to sleep with another man

424 replies

Melly1991 · 22/02/2024 21:12

Title says it all really. Could do with some advice on this. It’s been going on for years. He has never been able to drop it.

I honestly am in two minds. He has said try it and see if we like it, and we can do it again. If not we never have to do it again. Why should I sacrifice something like this for him? He even mentioned introducing another couple a few times, that’s one thing I could never see him with another woman. I’ve said this a few times but he still mentions it sometimes but he has agreed for me to be with a man first and he is desperate to watch in the same room.

I don’t know whether I should go through with this unless I am 100%? Should he not be worshiping my body for himself and not someone else? We have been together 13 years but our sex life has honestly been amazing, I’ve never had any concerns. We are getting married early next year.

It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I wish he would drop it but he won’t and to be honest I’m concerned now we don’t have the same sex drive anymore/ want the same things?

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 23/02/2024 00:04

SharkieAndGeorge · 22/02/2024 22:02

OP this is called cuckolding. Google it. It's not necessarily the case that his ultimate goal is to engineer a quid pro quo where it means he "gets" to sleep with another woman. Some men get off on seeing their partner having sex with another man. I don't get it. But I strongly suggest that it's not going to be a one off, you do it once and he's happy. You do it once and he'll want it again and again.

It's horrendous that you're clearly not into it and yet he'd be ok with it if you acquiesced, and reluctantly went ahead with it. You realise that means he would actually be turned on by watching you have sex with another man when you weren't fully consenting. That's absolutely disgusting. Do you really want to marry a man like that?

This. Any man who isn't turned off at the thought of you being coerced is a bad man.

hothotheatbag · 23/02/2024 00:08

Placemaking so I can come back and tell you my story. It didnt end well.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 23/02/2024 00:09

Of course if he accepts your "no" this may be a deal breaker for him. The thought of living the rest of his life without the chance of a threesome may appall him. He may break the engagement.

L0bstersLass · 23/02/2024 00:09

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/02/2024 23:33

What do you think he will be doing during your ‘experience’ with the other penis owner? What do you think he will want to do after it ?

Send him a text and tell him that you are not his property to lend out for other men to use. Then send a text to book the removal van.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen - this is an excellent point and it's disturbing.

@Melly1991 Think hard about the first part of her post.
And then, think even harder about the second.

You and this horrid man are not compatible. Consider yourself lucky that you are not married.
Of course it will be dfficult to decide to leave someone after so long, but what he's asking you to do is not something you are interested in.

What would your friends think if you told them? Or your parents?

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 23/02/2024 00:09

I can't imagine planning a wedding to someone with this going on in the background.

He can't even talk to you about it, I bet he's having a wank when he texts you at work, getting all turned on at the thought of you being flustered. What a creep.

SquirrelMadness · 23/02/2024 00:12

OP please, please don't go through with this. This is sexual coersion. Agreeing to sex that you're not fully comfortable with could be incredibly traumatising for you. Don't do it.

Someone I was in a relationship with pushed me for something similar. I'm so glad that I didn't go through with it, and that I got out when I did.

Anything other than an enthusiastic yes is not consent and a good partner should know that. Trying to push someone outside of their comfort zone with constant badgering is not ok. Take care of yourself.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 23/02/2024 00:17

This has been going on for years.

He knows that of you had any real interest in this you would have done it already so it's blatantly obvious it's not something you have an interest in.

And yet he persists in asking again and again.

He has no respect for you and your boundaries and is hoping he will wear you down eventually.

I wouldn't marry him. If you do sleep with another man, it's not the end of it, it's actually the start of it and the requests will keep going and probably get more uncomfortable.

Leave him.

Seablue9 · 23/02/2024 00:24

Melly1991 · 22/02/2024 21:12

Title says it all really. Could do with some advice on this. It’s been going on for years. He has never been able to drop it.

I honestly am in two minds. He has said try it and see if we like it, and we can do it again. If not we never have to do it again. Why should I sacrifice something like this for him? He even mentioned introducing another couple a few times, that’s one thing I could never see him with another woman. I’ve said this a few times but he still mentions it sometimes but he has agreed for me to be with a man first and he is desperate to watch in the same room.

I don’t know whether I should go through with this unless I am 100%? Should he not be worshiping my body for himself and not someone else? We have been together 13 years but our sex life has honestly been amazing, I’ve never had any concerns. We are getting married early next year.

It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I wish he would drop it but he won’t and to be honest I’m concerned now we don’t have the same sex drive anymore/ want the same things?

I'm sorry to read this.

The fact is there are people who get involved with this type of behaviour because they are seeking the thrill of something that really doesn't exist beyond a strong couple relationship. The grass isn't always greener and seeking to find out usually ends in trouble.

theduchessofspork · 23/02/2024 00:26

Are you.. crazy?

Why are you with this bloke? This is clearly an obsession with him and you just aren’t into it.

In 5 years you’ll be on here starting threads about your cheating husband.

Just get rid of him.

thebestinterest · 23/02/2024 00:39

I know a girl whose bf pestered and pestered her to do this. The bf eventually ended up hiring someone to rape the girl, while he watched. He told the rapist that his gf was into kinky stuff like that and that if she fought or anything to ignore …

It’s one of the most horrific traumas anyone has ever shared with me. 🙁

Rachie1973 · 23/02/2024 00:57

It’s a ‘thing’ for some people and fair play to them. It wouldn’t be for me and clearly isn’t for you so it’s a hard no.

He should be respecting your choice. Not banging on and on about it like a whiny child wanting all the cookies.

xile · 23/02/2024 00:59

phobiaofsocialmedia · 22/02/2024 21:56

Been an account for years now - finance dep get blamed for bloody everything.

It's all that double entry - it gets to you after a while.
(Fellow beancounter)

QueenBitch666 · 23/02/2024 01:01

Grim and creepy 🤢

OssieShowman · 23/02/2024 01:03

Get out now. This will only get worse once you are married.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 23/02/2024 01:04

Melly1991 · 22/02/2024 21:33

@LadyKenya I've said no but then left it open to him again and said I'm
Not 100% and not 100% yes ..

Why would you say this? To avoid an argument? It's not something you can half do. You can't 'sort of' have sex with another man.

This is either a whole hearted ' yes' situation, or else it's an absolute no.

iwafs · 23/02/2024 01:06

Call the wedding off or regret it forever.

Does he even understand what marriage is? The bit about forsaking all others, perhaps?

How is this twat any kind of good prospect for you?

If you’re been with him 13 years, he’s had plenty lf
time to grow up.

Different if you are both on the same page re an alternative lifestyle shagging others - in which case, marriage doesn’t really seem appropriate.

CraftyTaupeOtter · 23/02/2024 01:06

If you don't like it you don't 'have to' do it again? You don't have to do the first time! Who does he think he is telling you to do something so intimate with your body for his pleasure - even if you don't like it at first.

SheepAndSword · 23/02/2024 01:40

CherrySocks · 22/02/2024 21:16

Tell him to piss off

I was just about to say that 😁

2021x · 23/02/2024 01:55

OP- if you are still here it sounds like you do not want to have sex with any one outside of your relationship, and that is a personal boundary that you don't have to be flexible on.

It also sounds like you have some low self-confidence/esteem and it is possible that your relationship feeds off of this.

Do you have anyone in real life that you can trust to speak to. If not maybe consider try a RELATE counselling service session on your own to get your thoughts out in a non-judgemental way.

MidnightMeltdown · 23/02/2024 01:59

Ok I've not read the whole thread, but let's get this straight:

He's asked you to sleep with another man, you've told him that you don't want to, and he is now continuing to pester you about it?

Why are you marrying this man??! Have you lost your mind? Get out now!!

ByBreezyZebra · 23/02/2024 02:15

My partner of 12 years went through a weird obsession of this kind of thing too. He would constantly ask if we could have a 3 some.. or more so just watch me with another guy. He wanted to go out to bars and watch me flirt with other guys then pick them up. (I didn't, I don't even go out anymore I'm too old!)
I think he enjoyed other guys looking at me on the rare occasion we did go out? Then he went through another thing around the same time of asking me about the other guys I'd slept with before him, where we did it and what circumstances. I used to be quite promiscuous in my 20s and I think it turned him on?
I believe it's called a cuckolding or hot wifing kink.
Anyway needless to say I never agreed to such a thing and kept telling him I was hurt that he would be want to share me.
If he even mentions it I just say don't start this again. He's quite low in confidence I'm not sure if that's to do with it.. like a she's mine kind of thing and he likes that he's with someone who has the ability to turn other guys on!? I dunno.
He hasn't mentioned it for a while but I know he watched programmes like open house on channel 5 or whatever it's called.
It's not just your partner, it's probably more common than you think.

MsRosley · 23/02/2024 02:34

Honestly, OP, your relationship is dead in the water. Even if he agrees to drop it, you now know he is bored with your current sex life and wants to sleep with other people. It's pretty much a guarantee that your marriage will be miserable, especially if you have kids.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 23/02/2024 02:57

Leave.

He will never let up going on about it. He'll want his itch scratched until you do it.

If you get married, he'll keep quiet until then as he knows you don't want to, but it will start again after you marry.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2024 03:02

@thebestinterest
That rape is awful, terrible.

I can only go by my experience of my dh asking to do something with me I didn’t want, years before we married. I’d had it done to me a few years prior without my consent and knowledge until after the event (I was very young) and I was in pain for a days after. He never brought it up again. We’ve been married for 25 years now. This is a man, who wants to be with me more than to perform that dd act. I am sorry, I don’t think you can really say the same thing. For this reason, I wouldn’t marry him and I would split, hard as it is to imagine starting again. If you have children, you will be very much physically depleted and he doesn’t respect you or your needs. That would give me a great deal of cause for concern.

EBearhug · 23/02/2024 03:13

Apart from anything else, what about STDs and the risk of pregnancy

Swingers are pretty good at using condoms (better than other men on OLD, IME,) and you can ask that they're tested.

Not that it's relevant - the OP clearly doesn't want to do it. He clearly does. There are issues around communication- I'm with those who think it's probably not a relationship to continue with. At the very least, you need a fzce-to-face conversation where you make it clear it's no.

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