Finance wants me to sleep with another man

[Melly1991]

Title says it all really. Could do with some advice on this. It’s been going on for years. He has never been able to drop it.

I honestly am in two minds. He has said try it and see if we like it, and we can do it again. If not we never have to do it again. Why should I sacrifice something like this for him? He even mentioned introducing another couple a few times, that’s one thing I could never see him with another woman. I’ve said this a few times but he still mentions it sometimes but he has agreed for me to be with a man first and he is desperate to watch in the same room.

I don’t know whether I should go through with this unless I am 100%? Should he not be worshiping my body for himself and not someone else? We have been together 13 years but our sex life has honestly been amazing, I’ve never had any concerns. We are getting married early next year.

It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I wish he would drop it but he won’t and to be honest I’m concerned now we don’t have the same sex drive anymore/ want the same things?

OP, there's something really revolting about him persistently texting you to ask about this.

He's trying to wear you down into saying yes. He sees your uncertainty as a way in.

Open relationships or swingers (whether we agree with them or not)
only survive because both consenting adults are totally on the same page. They have 'safe words' and an identical view of sexuality.

This isn't going to work for you. You're either really into doing this or you're not. Your uncertainty is your gut-feeling saying No. Listen to it.

It really is revolting that he won't speak to you and is instead trying to grind you down by texting over and over. He most definitely has a porn habit and a fantasy that he can't shake off. A part of me agrees that this is about him wanting sex with someone else.

If you agree to do it even just once, it will escalate and he'll want you to do it again and again. I imagine he is building up to wanting a foursome. Once will never be enough for him and he'll keep wanting more. I would get out while you can. Tell him one last time that if he asks again you will end the relationship. Do you really want to marry someone who has such little respect for you and your values?

I’m sorry but your answer is a mixed message
a bit ohh I’m not sure persuade me

ether say yes or no irrespective what the question about you haven’t said no so logically it’s still on the table
it’s ether false hope or gaslighting

say no or stop complaining

You have been together for 13 years that is long time to be thinking about watching you having it with someone don't you think? Why would he not face you to say it to you is the question? Is he embarrassed to admit his messed up fantasy? You are saying you have great sex but he has his other fantasies does he feel the same sorry ( just a thought)? I would not like someone l want to get married to to be fantasising about me with someone else to be frank. The fact he is repeatedly saying it despite you saying no. I think you have to seat and he has to be honest with you and you with him how you feel and him with you whether this is a deal breaker? Say no and hold your boundary. Really think about it you are getting married this is a lifetime commitment what happens if he says now that you are married he would like to have it that way what would you do then ? No respect yourself and respect your body, your body is sacred. So far you have said no why, l assume because you don't feel comfortable and don't want to do that. Stick to your no and have a candid spoken conversation about it. If he is not happy with your no have respect for yourself and walk away. Although if someone is repeatedly having these thoughts and telling you when are they fantasing about this? Why marry especially if you are not comfortable already a red flag? What happens if you can not fulfil what he wants when married? Please please think about it do you really want to marry someone who is continually pushing your boundary like that? You did not want to fulfil hus fantasy now giving you cold shoulder ummm red flag again??

There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy or two...
I have spoken about all my fantasies with my wife of 18 years and we have a clear boundary of what we accept and don't. Over the years, Most of my fantasy ideas my wife has completely fulfilled to beyond my imagination! 😍😍But anything either of us were not comfortable with we left well alone and it was a non Issue.

I asked about a threesome once. We talked about it at least for 2 days prior to kids about the dynamics and the repercussions it could have, the risks, etc. We even watched a few videos about it.

Sure it could be exciting and new and all that... but We finally decided that was not us and it's not what we wanted for our relationship and we are both really jealous types and it's not come up since as neither of us have that interest anymore. We are dedicated and focused on eachother. Full stop.

If he is "desperate to watch" you there are two things I would suggest that could fullfil the fantasy without risk:
Bedroom toys/sex dolls and a video camera...

If you have suggested that and it's not good enough for him, as a man myself I would say he is hankering to have an excuse to sleep with another woman... So you have some tough choices to make. Sorry 😔

But your "no" should be enough.

13 years is a long time... Long enough for him to have stopped and moved on from the idea!🤷🏻‍♂️

Did I read right you are going to marry him???
If my husband even suggested this to me, I'd pack his bags and show him the front door, id want to be with someone that showed me respect and getting off while watching me with another man is not respect in my opinion, especially since you have said no, he sounds very manipulative and has issues.
But this all depends if you want to share him with another woman down the track, I wouldn't be doing something you regret

... or he's just greedy. Thr sound of this bloke makes my stomach turn.

Honestly call the wedding off!

I've been in this situation before and just from my experience, it's not you with another man he wants to see it's the other man. He's hoping you'll feel comfortable and then he'll join in but not nessacarily with you.
It then leads to him being with someone and you can't call it cheating because you've done the same and you were there.

However if you refuse, chances are and again from experience, he'll go off and find it for himself behind your back anyway.

Sorry if my reply seems abit brutal but just trying to warn you and be honest. I wouldn't trust it. The fact he can't let it go even when it's making you feel uncomfortable is a massive red flag.

I don't think there's an issue with him asking, there are lots of happily married couples out there with alternative sexual preferences.

The issue i'd struggle with, is that he's not respecting your boundaries and trying to bully you into doing what he wants by constantly badgering you about it. That's not respecting you and your boundaries.

If it's a deal breaker for him, he needs to walk away from the relationship now and find someone who is willing to do this, not try to mould you into something you're not

I don't agree with giving people ultimatums, but in this case I really think you need to tell this guy, either this stops or you walk. It isn't what you want. Don't be bullied Into anything

Don't do it, just tell him no.
No matter what he says he will hold it against you in the future everytime you fall out.
If you enjoy it too much he will get jealous and start asking you to compare him to this other guy and if you don't enjoy it he'll say you spoiled his fantasy.
If he wants another man involved in your relationship then tell him to sleep with him.
You don't want to be marrying someone who behaves like this take this man's advice and find yourself a nice guy who just wants you for you.

Everyone is entitled their own kinks.... As far as they go, it's not a totally crazy one, each to there own... However, BOTH parties need to be ok with it. The moment pressure or guilt is applied is a big no no... Also, I think for many, the fantasy can be quite different to the reality, and the reality is, if YOU have any doubts or discomfort regarding it and did it anyway, to make him happy and had a bad experience whether that be physical or emotional it would most definitely have a negative impact on your relationship and likely be something you wouldn't be able to get past.

His reaction is telling you everything OP. He won't give up on you. He will keep on about this until he wears you down. He may wait until after you're married but he hasn't accepted this.
He isn't showing you any respect. Retain your self respect and, up to you but I'd definitely leave him.

Trust your gut feeling ,this is a bad idea .Unless you are 100% sure you're relationship is rock solid .This can cause jealousy and doubt .I would seriously be questioning about marriage if he keeps asking about it ,because it wont stop and why should you sacrifice yourself because of his wants .Its one thing to fantasize about it (which is fine ) but another thing to actually doing it .What if seeing him sleeping with another woman and he enjoys it that it makes you feel worried .If he loves you he would not make you feel like you have to do it .x

☹️ Like I - and other PP - said, he isn't going to change. It's up to you to decide if you want to put up with this insidious, low level pressure for (potentially) your entire married life...

I think you would hugely regret it and may feel violated if you are only doing it to keep your fiance happy. And I don't think one time would keep him happy either, sadly - he will want more of it - and eventually most likely will want to bring in another woman too. It's tough but you might not be compatible with him long term.

Yep. I am monogomus and we have a very spicy sex life!

I have logged in especially to respond hopefully save you. My ex was like this with his fantasies. Not 3some but he was wanting me unconscious so I wouldn't know. Choke out etc. But same nagged and nagged kept asking for sexts and wouldn't leave it until he got what he wanted. I tried some stuff naively thinking it would be end of it when I said no not again tried it hated it not again. He would ignore my boundaries. Constantly trying to choke me. This culminated into rape as I slept having medicated me without consent. He then took a mistress and left for someone more naive. I went to police but they couldn't prosecute cos I didn't go for a couple of yrs. It gets worse. He needs to respect your boundaries. He doesn't. Get out DO NOT MARRY HIM. There are men out there who will respect and love you. This isn't love this is a man using you. I fear you won't listen to me but please approach a women's abuse charity cos I am telling you from the bottom of my heart this has the hallmarks. Please please sack this guy off xx

Is he showing you any respect?
As painful as it is after so long, he doesn't, so it's over.
Think it hurts now? Trust me, if you carry on, it's not even started

CRm83 I am sorry to hear what happened to you.

OP I am curious, why now after 13 years are you considering marriage? Was something holding one of you back?

Also, were you quite young when you met him and is there a big age gap? Sorry to ask but he sounds manipulative, very.

Er, not wanting your fiancé to sleep with other people doesn’t make you “the jealous type”!
Him wanting you to sleep with other people makes him a weirdo.
Leave him, now.

Why are you not just telling him it’s an absolute no. Never. 100 percent no? Why do you keep hedging it?

Please don’t sacrifice your own values and wishes. Our values are all we really have in this world and finding someone who shares them is important. Your fiancé is not that person. If he can try to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do then he is deeply selfish and unpleasant. This will not be a one-off, he will not change.

Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't listen to you?

He has listened OP hasn’t said no she’s said she’s not 100%

if it’s no it needs to be no not maybe

if someone told me I’m not 100% about something i wouldn’t interpret that as a no